- Before the show, we’re shown clips of a charity softball game between the WWF and the Chicago media.  WWF wins the game and the 1-2-3 Kid does one of the gayest celebration dances ever afterwards.

Emanating from the brand new United Center, in Chicago, Illinois  

Your commentators are Vince McMahon and Jerry “the King” Lawler, who announce that last night Shawn Michaels and Diesel defeated the Headshrinkers to become the new WWF Tag Team Champions.

Fatu.  A missed splash by Bam Bam gives Fatu a 2 count.  Fatu clotheslines Bam Bam and he does the 360-degree sell.  Usually it’s Fatu on the other end of that move.  The Headshrinkers double-team to put them in firm control.  An elbow by Bam Bam allows him to tag IRS.  Samu goes for a crossbody and misses.  So then IRS goes for one and misses.  Turnabout’s fair play.  IRS whips Fatu to the ropes, which Bam Bam pulls down, causing Fatu to fall to the floor.  Both Bam Bam and Samu hit a crossbody to produce a double KO.  Samu gets the hot tag and hits baaaaack bodydrops on both heels.  A 2^nd rope headbutt by Samu gets him a nearfall.  As the Headshrinkers hit their finisher, Dibiase begins to distract the ref.  With the ref sidetracked, the heels double team.  Lou Albano gets on the apron to protest but Bam Bam knocks him right off.  This prompts Afa to come in and attack Bam Bam.  Referee turns around, sees this and calls for the DQ.

Bottom Line: Well considering my dread going into this match, these 4 produced a pretty decent little match.  They kept the action going and the crowd hot.  IRS is so much better suited in tag team wrestling.  I have no idea where they came up with that finish though.  I guess the same could be said about the booking of the entire tag division at this time.  ** ½

- Leslie Nielsen is shown in the back, hot on the trail of The Undertaker.  Hilarity ensues along the way.

- Razor Ramon says that he is going to take the Intercontinental Title back with the help of Walter Payton.  Walter Payton?  Leslie Nielsen?  Man, the WWF is pulling out all the stops tonight.

WWF Women’s Title Match: Alundra Blayze (champ) vs. Bull Nakano

Bull is from somewhere in the Far East so by law she comes out to the Orient Express theme music.  She is accompanied by Luna Vachon, who had nothing to do since Bam Bam joined Dibiase.  It’s a good thing too, since they were actually thinking about doing a wedding angle between them at one point.  And we all know how well those turn out.  Blayze offers a handshake but Bull kicks her and goes on the attack.  Bull goes for a powerbomb but Blayze escapes and hits a dropkick.  A big legdrop by Bull gets 2.  Out of nowhere, Blayze gets a hurricanrana for a nearfall.  Blayze misses a spinkick and Bull catches her and chokes her.  Bull hooks on a Boston Crab variation, but Blayze doesn’t submit.  Then she locks on a standing Sharpshooter.  Blayze still won’t quit though.  A sweet move nonetheless.  Adding to Blayze’s pain, Vachon chokes her while the ref is tied up with Bull.  Blayze tries to mount a comeback but Bull stops that with a back bodydrop.  Bull blocks a hurricanrana attempt and absolutely plants Blayze with a powerbomb.  Thinking she’s got it in the bag, Bull goes up top but misses a legdrop.  Blayze pops up and hits the German suplex for the 3 count.

BL: Well, I would have thought that they would have had Bull go over so that way the feud could continue.  But what do I know?  Having said that, this was a very enjoyable match.  That makes 2 for 2 in the pleasant surprise category.  I wouldn’t mind seeing more from the 2 of them and I don’t say that often about legit women’s wrestling.  ***

- Shawn Michaels and Diesel are talking to Todd and telling him they’re on Cloud 9.  They also say they overlook everyone.  Gotta love shoot comments that aren’t meant to be shoot comments.

WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Diesel (champ) vs. Razor Ramon

Razor flicks his toothpick Diesel’s way to show him he means BUSINESS.  A few rights by Razor send Diesel to take a breather.  Diesel chokes out Razor in the corner with his boot.  Razor decides to no-sell it though.  After planting his face into the mat, Diesel slaps a sleeper on Razor.  Wow, a little early for the resthold Kev.  Razor is able to suplex his way out of it.  Back on his feet, Diesel throws Razor to the outside.  With the referee distracted, Shawn removes the turnbuckle pad.  Vince notes that a removed pad was how Razor lost the IC belt to Diesel originally.  Continuity, what a concept!  As Shawn and Payton start exchanging words, the referee comes out to stop Payton.  This allows Shawn to run over and attack Razor.  Razor barely makes it back in before the 10 count.  Diesel whips Razor into the exposed corner and follows it up with a side suplex.  That gets a long 2 count.  Snake Eyes leave Razor looking like he’s out on his feet.  A big boot sends Razor down once again.  Diesel covers, but Razor gets his foot on the rope.  Too bad the idiot cameraman didn’t show it.  More restholds from Diesel as he now has locked on an abdominal stretch.  Diesel tries for Snake Eyes in the exposed corner but Razor shoves him instead and then rolls him up for 2.  A slugfest is won by Razor.  A couple of nearfalls for Razor.  Razor knocks Shawn off the apron but that allows Diesel to get back into control.  Diesel goes for the Jackknife but gets backdropped.  Sensing his man is in trouble, Shawn goes and gets the IC belt.  Before he can do anything, Payton grabs the belt away from him.  With the referee yelling at Payton, Shawn gets in the ring.  Shawn goes for the superkick, but accidentally hits Diesel.  The referee gets in the ring as Razor covers and makes the dramatic 3 count.

Postmatch: Razor celebrates with Payton and his son Jarrod

BL: I’m so torn on this match because the wrestling content blows but the heat and booking for this match was tremendous.  A wrestling fan will love this match while a purist will vomit on it.  So I guess will go with ** here.

- Coliseum Video butts into both Shawn and Diesel’s lockerrooms and catches them in a rare instance where they aren’t playing backstage politics.

- Todd chats with “friends” Lex Luger and Tatanka.  Tatanka runs down the numerous pieces of evidence that show Luger sold out to Dibiase.  Plus, a highly scientific hotline poll says 54% believe he sold out.  Clearly, he must have sold out!

Lex Luger vs. Tatanka

OK, so even with just a few years of watching wrestling under my belt, I SO saw the bait and switch here.  But let’s play dumb and see what unfolds.  Vince and Lawler are surprised not to see Dibiase accompany Luger to the ring.  Lockup to start goes nowhere.  Lawler has a nice line about a Luger shouldertackle looking like one Dibiase used to deliver.  A crossbody by Tatanka gets 2.  Slugfest is won by Luger.  A couple of nearfalls for Tatanka as the crowd doesn’t know who to cheer for and frankly don’t care.  Tatanka gets 2 after a top rope chop.  Luger ducks out of the way of a second one and starts his comeback.  As Luger gains momentum, Dibiase makes his way out to ringside.  Dibiase shows Luger the money, which allows Tatanka to come from behind and roll him up for the victory.

Postmatch: In a shocking swerve, it’s Tatanka who sold out and kicks the crap out of Luger.  Well it’s no surprise to see another Native American sell out to the almighty dollar.

BL: The string of decent matches comes to a screeching halt.  A brutally bad match that had a storyline that insulted the fans’ intelligence.  This did nothing to help either man’s career.  Luger was stuck in midcard hell with no fan support and Tatanka was neither a natural heel nor a big enough star to lead Dibiase’s corporation.  ½ *

“Double J” Jeff Jarrett vs. Mabel

This was the precursor to the glorious rap vs. country feud in WCW.  So if you liked that, I’m sure you’ll be a big fan of this match.  Mabel uses his size and power to embarrass Jarrett early on.  Jarrett is clotheslined to the floor.  He helps his bruised ego by shoving Oscar into the steps.  Jarrett trips up Mabel.  Jarrett goes to the top rope and hits…something.  Wow, not really sure what he was going for there.  That’s never a good sign.  Jarrett hops on Mabel and tries to put on a sleeper.  Mabel just backs up though and crushes Jarrett in the corner.  A spinning heel kick and a powerslam give Mabel a few nearfalls.  We cut to the crowd and see Abe “Knuckleball” Schwartz.  Man, Vince’s take on social commentary is always so scathing.  Mabel misses a second rope splash, which allows Jarrett to get a 2 count.  Jarrett goes for a sunset flip, but Mabel won’t budge.  Mabel tries to sit on Jarrett, but he moves out of the way.  Jarrett quickly covers Mabel and gets the upset victory.

BL: A certain clash of styles produces a second stinker in a row.  Some real sloppy work on both ends.  It was nice to see Jarrett get the win, but of course it didn’t lead to anything.  ¾ *

- Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy come out for more hijinx.  Wow, I’m surprised they had time for this considering they have this packed 7-match card.  Ugh!

- A full package is shown detailing the Owen/Bret saga since last Survivor Series.  A nice bit of history, but we all know they’re going to bring the good, so it really doesn’t matter.

- As they continue setting up the cage, Vince and Lawler interview the Hart family, who are in attendance.  This includes Jim Neidhart and a returning British Bulldog.  Neidhart has some unkind words for the Hart family, which of course riles up that drunk Bruce Hart.

- Todd interviews Bret and informs us that Bret is recovering from strep throat.  Looks like Bret is already making excuses before the match begins.

Steel Cage Match for the WWF Championship: Bret “the Hitman” Hart (champ) vs. Owen Hart

Owen immediately jumps Bret as he enters and we’re underway.  Owen tries to throw Bret into the cage, but Bret blocks it and hits Owen with a DDT.  Bret attempts the first escape, but Owen quickly grabs him.  An enziguri by Owen allows him to try and go out.  Bret grabs him and hits a back suplex.  Bret bulldogs Owen and then tries to crawl out the door.  Owen drags him back and then leaps over him to go out the door himself.  These two keep playing leapfrog, but neither man can escape.  Nice sequence!  As Bret tries to climb out, Owen slams him to the mat ala Flair off the top rope.  Owen manages to climb over but Bret drags him back in.  A slugfest on the top rope is won by Owen.  He follows it up with a sweet dropkick.  Both men come close to escaping but are pulled back at the last second.  Crisscross sequence leads to a collision and double KO spot.  Bret tries to climb out but Owen grabs his leg and literally yanks him down causing Bret to come crashing onto the ropes and mat.  OUCH!  Bret misses an elbow from the top rope, which allows Owen to try and climb out.  Bret is able to slam him back in though.  Crowd is somehow managing to get louder with each escape attempt.  Bret rams Owen’s head into the cage.  Crowd goes apeshit as Bret tries to escape again but to no avail.  Owen nails Bret with a solid piledriver.  Bret tries to kick and scratch his way out the door but Owen hangs on.  Wild!  After dragging Owen to the middle of the ring, Bret slingshots Owen into the cage.  As Owen goes for a rollup, both men go crashing into the cage.  Another double KO spot as we see the match taking a real toll on both men.  Owen tries to escape but Bret catches him and suplexes him off the top of the cage.  Un…be…lieve...able!  Sorry, I was channeling Vince there.  Owen thwarts another Bret escape and locks him in the Sharpshooter.  Bret breaks it and puts on his own Sharpshooter.  Both men climb out.  Bret nails Owen and causes him to get his foot caught in the cage.  With Owen hung up, Bret jumps down to retain his title.

Postmatch: Neidhart and Owen beat up Bret in the cage until the Hart brothers and the Bulldog make the save.

BL: Wow, I’m exhausted from watching this.  What an amazing effort by both men.  The way they kept trying to escape had the crowd hot from start to finish.  Perhaps the best cage match ever.  I can’t say enough good things about this match, so the best I can say is, watch this match!  **** ¾

- Todd tries to get a word with Owen and Neidhart, but they would rather eat cow dung than talk to him.  I’m paraphrasing of course.

- While they tear down the cage, we get the lengthy yet ludicrous storyline behind this Undertaker vs. Undertaker match.  Paul Bearer was really starting to get on my nerves by this point.

Crappy Main Event: The Undertaker w/Paul Bearer vs. The Undertaker w/Ted Dibiase

I’m able to read War and Peace while waiting for both Undertakers to make it to the ring.  Paul Bearer has a new bigger, better urn.  How many more relatives did Undertaker kill while he was away?  Taker is now wearing a black and purple outfit, which I always thought looked awful.  UnderFaker tries to strike first but Taker beats him to the punch.  Taker boots Faker to the floor.  As Faker goes after Paul Bearer, Taker grabs him and suplexes him back in.  Faker no-sells so Taker tosses him back outside.  Taker blocks a ropewalk attempt by Faker.  Taker then shows how it is done by hitting the ropewalk.  Faker botches a stungun.  Crowd is deader than…well…the Undertaker.  Taker misses a clothesline and falls to the floor where they brawl some more.  Vince is desperately trying to cover up for the silence of the crowd.  Taker no-sells Faker’s punches, so Faker throws a tantrum.  That’s so embarrassing.  Faker hits a chokeslam and waits for Taker to sit-up.  Faker hits a tombstone and of course Taker rises again.  A second tombstone is reversed by Taker who hits one of his own.  Taker then hits 2 more to end this atrocity.

Postmatch: Taker throws Faker in the casket to put this travesty out of our mind.  Then, Leslie Nielsen and George Kennedy hit their punchline…by finding a closed briefcase.  Get it…the case is closed.  BWHAHAHAHA!

BL: Shame on Vince for thinking this should have gone on after Bret/Owen. A silent crowd was the result of them being tired from the cage match and apathy toward this match.  If ever there was a reason not to clone people and have them fight, this was it.  Especially when the clone is noticeably shorter and less talented than the original.  Now if we’re talking Kurt Angle vs. Kurt Angle, that’s a different story.  DUD

Final Thought: For the second pay-per-view in a row, we have a really bad main event.  That never helps for the overall recommendation of the show.  But the good here really carries this show.  The cage match is amazing and there are pleasant surprises in the tag and woman’s matches.  Stop the tape after Bret/Owen and you have a pretty decent show.

Next time, it’s midget madness and fuckin’ Chuck Norris.  You’d think that sounds can’t miss, but you’d be wrong.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.