I’m very curious to check it out.  So if any of you have a copy of the Free For All, drop me a line.

Our Remark today comes from Daniel who wanted to mention this: 

“Isn't it funny how whenever Bret Hart was World Champion, he NEVER headlined PPVs.  It's almost as if Vince was scared that if fans knew Bret was on last they would leave the arena as soon as the match Finkel started to announce his intro!”  

This is something I certainly knew, but I’m not sure if I put much thought into it.  Looking back at each of the 94 PPVs where Bret was champ, there can be arguments made for each as to why Bret didn’t go on last.  At KotR, they used Bret’s match to setup the turn by Neidhart later that night.  As you will see in this show, they probably didn’t want to end the show with the Backlund win, so that’s why it got moved to the middle of the card.  The Summerslam one is the toughest to argue against.  My guess is that it was a combination of two things, 1) Despite most knowing it couldn’t be a good match, they had spent a lot of time in building up the Taker/Taker feud and 2) While Bret was over, it’s possible Vince didn’t feel that Owen was main-event caliber talent.  Despite Bret’s matches never going on last during this run, I always felt like they were hyped with equal caliber as the matches that ended up going on last.  One has to wonder though that if Bret had always gone on last, if Flair would still be making those comments about Bret’s drawing power.  OK, now that the Flair/Bret issue has reared its ugly head into my column, I think it’s time we better move on…

OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue for WWF Survivor Series 1994

- We’re shown clips from earlier today of the teams discussing their game plan.  Only Jerry Lawler is smart enough to stop the cameraman from filming their strategy.

- Emanating from the Freeman Coliseum, in San Antonio, TX

- Your commentators are Vince McMahon and Gorilla Monsoon, filling in for Lawler who’s in action tonight.  Both are wearing goofy cowboy outfits in case you hadn’t realized they were in Texas yet.

The Teamsters: Diesel, Shawn Michaels, Owen Hart, Jim “the Anvil” Neidhart, and Jeff Jarrett vs. The Bad Guys: Razor Ramon, 1-2-3 Kid, The British Bulldog and the Headshrinkers

Diesel’s team has the lamest name in Survivor Series history, but since Shawn, Owen and Jarrett are on the team, the name isn’t that big of a deal.  No idea why they went back to 5 man teams but at this point I was just glad they were doing Survivor Series style matches at all.  The Kid and Owen start and I hope we get glimpses of what they did in their King of the Ring match earlier this year.  Those hopes are dashed as Owen tags Neidhart before they do anything.  Meanwhile, Fatu has problems putting on his boots.  Don’t ask.  Neidhart shoves the Kid around and then tags in Jarrett.  Sionne in now and he puts the power moves on Jarrett.  A top rope clothesline by Jarrett gets 2.  Owen and the Bulldog are tagged and trade wristlocks.  Bulldog slingshots Owen into the face corner where he gets beat up by the Bad Guys.  An enziguri by Owen stops the Bulldog cold.  Owen and Neidhart double-team the Bulldog.  Bulldog tags Fatu, who hits a flying headbutt on Neidhart.  Instead of covering, Fatu continues to mess with his boots.  This allows Neidhart to tag Jarrett, while Fatu tags Razor.  Jarrett messes with Razor’s hair and Razor gives him a look as if Jarrett just said, “last call”.  Razor clotheslines Jarrett to the floor and then gives Diesel a punch for good measure.  After nailing Jarrett with a fallaway slam, Razor heaves the Kid onto him.  Jarrett hiptosses the Kid to the floor and takes out a cameraman in the process.  Some sloppy work by these guys tonight.  Owen blind tags Diesel, who comes in and clotheslines Fatu.  One Jackknife later and Fatu is done.  HEELS UP 5-4.  The Kid tries to use speed against Diesel (good thinking!) but soon he falls prey to the Jackknife too.  HEELS UP 5-3.  Sionne comes in but receives more of the same.  HEELS UP 5-2.  Diesel boots Bulldog to the floor, where he is distracted by Owen and Jarrett, and gets counted out.  HEELS UP 5-1.  Razor quickly comes in and rolls up Diesel, but only gets a 2 count.  Razor fights gallantly against Diesel but a short clothesline slows him down.  A big boot and a Jackknife seemingly finish off Razor but Shawn wants in for the first time in the match.  Shawn goes for the superkick but nails Diesel for the 3^rd time in three months.  Diesel gets pissed off and chases Shawn to the back.  The rest of the heels follow and they all get counted out.

Survivor: Razor Ramon

Bottom Line: Chalk this up as a major disappointment.  There was certainly some decent talent there but there was no flow to the match.  On top of that, we get a sports entertainment finish.  But on the plus side, the Diesel/Shawn split finally happened and their feud was now in the driver’s seat.  * ¾

- Backstage, Todd tries to get a word with Shawn as he hightails it out of San Antonio.  He says he’s done with this tag team thing (He was champs with Diesel at this point).  Meanwhile I can’t concentrate because Todd has a mullet and a cowboy hat.  Look in a mirror for chirissakes!

Clowns R’ Us: Doink, Dink, Pink and Wink vs. The Royal Family: Jerry “the King” Lawler, Cheesy, Sleazy and Queasy

I rather not waste my time with this match so I’ll let my friend Mr. Cliff Notes help me out.  Clowns R’ Us do a move.  Then the Royal Family tries the same move and botch it up in a “comedic” fashion.  Lawler rolls through Doink’s high crossbody, grabs the tights and pins him.  HEELS UP 4-3.  Lawler then cheats to help his midgets beat Wink, Pink and Dink.  HEELS UP 4- 2…1…0

Postmatch: As Lawler celebrates, a midget mutiny arises and Doink nails Lawler with a pie in the face.

Survivors: The Royal Family

BL: A complete waste of all our times.  The only one laughing at this stuff is Vince and he stopped as soon as he saw the buyrate.  -*

- Todd announces that Bull Nakano has become the new WWF Woman’s Champion.  He then tries to ask her how she feels to which she responds in Japanese.  Of course, this goes nowhere because of the language barrier.  Todd doesn’t know how to speak Japanese and Bull doesn’t know how to speak idiot.

Submission Match for the WWF Championship: Bret “the Hitman” Hart (champ) vs. Bob Backlund

The British Bulldog and Owen Hart are the respective cornermen, who will be in charge of throwing in the towel to mark a submission.  Backlund tries to charge, but Bret slams him down.  Bret dominates early on with a lot of headlocks.  After a drop toehold, Backlund tries to put on the crossface chicken wing, but Bret slips out.  Backlund tries for it again but Bret reverses it into a belly-to-belly suplex.  An abdominal stretch by Bret, but Backlund powers out.  Bret misses a 2^nd rope elbow and Backlund goes to work on the arm.  Backlund nails Bret with a forearm that sends him to the floor.  While distracted by Owen, Bret almost gets caught in the crossface chicken wing.  Backlund continues working on the arm and I wonder if I’m watching TV or a still picture.  Zzzzz…  Bret finally makes a comeback with an inverted atomic drop.  A figure four by Bret puts Backlund in danger of submitting for the first time.  Owen crosses his hands though and says, “No way, Jose”.  Backlund eventually reverses it only to have Bret roll over again.  Bret is nailed with a piledriver to slow him down.  Another chicken wing attempt by Backlund is prevented.  Backlund misses a charge in the corner and rams his shoulder.  A mid-ring collision knocks both guys down.  Bret recovers and starts going through the Trademark 5.  As Bret slaps on the Sharpshooter, Owen enters the ring but the Bulldog intercepts him.  While the ref stops the Bulldog, Owen bulldogs Bret.  The Bulldog charges after Owen on the floor and ends up running headfirst into the steps.  He appears to have knocked himself out and Owen looks to be concerned.  He better make the X motion with his hands.  Meanwhile, this distraction allows Backlund to lock in the chicken wing.  Now Owen has a real look of panic on his face and is saying, “I’m sorry Bret.”  Crowd is going nuts as Bret struggles in the hold.  Owen now goes over and pleads to Stu and Helen Hart to toss in the towel for the Bulldog.  Removing the ring barrier, Owen brings his parents to ringside and hands them the towel.  Stu refuses to do it, but Helen is unsure.  Crowd is losing it here cheering on Bret.  Finally emotion gets the best of Helen and she throws in the towel.  As soon as it’s thrown in, Owen quickly grabs it and runs out jubilant.  We were all played for fools.  Fools, I tell ya.

BL: Match was very slow and plodding to begin with.  But sound psychology and amazing drama in the closing minutes bring the rating up a few ticks.  The heat on Backlund as he’s announced the champ makes me think he might have done all right as a long-running heel champ.  ***

- Owen talks to Todd and gives a scary, psychotic promo.  Sadness, jubilation, paranoia, jealousy, anger…Owen does them all.  Give this man an Oscar!

The Million Dollar Team: Tatanka, Bam Bam Bigelow, King Kong Bundy, and The Heavenly Bodies vs. Guts and Glory: Lex Luger, Adam Bomb, Mabel and the Smoking Gunns

It’s a pick’em as to who will blow up first on the face side.  We start off right away with Luger and Tatanka.  Tatanka tries to dominate but Luger no-sells his stuff.  Bundy tries to jump Luger, but Mabel comes in and the prospects of that fight excite the crowd.  Don’t feed into Vince’s delusions, people.  As Mabel and Pritchard start to fight, Gorilla wonders why IRS wasn’t part of this team.  Hmmm…maybe because they wanted to win.  A back bodydrop and a second rope crossbody by Mabel are enough to send Pritchard to the showers.  FACES UP 5-4.  Del Ray tries his luck but doesn’t do so well, so he tags Bundy.  Mabel takes down Bundy as well and the crowd eats it up.  Man, what are Texans smoking?  Bigelow is in now and gets knocked around.  Mabel goes up top but gets slammed off.  So Bigelow goes up and tries a sunset flip, but Mabel just sits on him.  Mabel clotheslines them both to the floor and I’m praying for a double countout here.  Well, half of my wish is granted as Bam Bam makes it back but Mabel doesn’t.  TIED UP 4-4.  Adam Bomb comes in and is a house of fire against Bam Bam.  As Bomb goes to the ropes, Bundy cracks him in the head.  Bam Bam then hits a bulldog and a moonsault on Bomb to finish him off.  HEELS UP 4-3.  Luger gets a quick rollup on Bam Bam, but only for 2.  Del Ray beats up on Luger for a bit but Luger hits the forearm of extreme agony out of nowhere and gets the pinfall.  TIED UP 3-3.  Tatanka in now with Bart, who makes quick tags with Billy.  The Smoking Gunns hit the Sidewinder on Tatanka but he kicks out at 2.  Tatanka hits an ugly version of his finisher on Bart and pins him.  HEELS UP 3-2.  Vince claims Luger has “stepped it up a notch or two” since Tatanka turned on him.  That must be one warped scale Vince is measuring on.  Tatanka has been in the ring way too long.  Billy gets caught in a spinebuster allowing Tatanka to tag Bundy.  Bundy splashes Billy in the corner and gets the 3 count.  HEELS UP 3-1.  Heels take turns beating up Luger as I pray they just end it.  Three elbows by Tatanka seem to signal the end for Luger.  Luger somehow gets a small package on Tatanka for the pin.  HEELS UP 2-1.  Bundy comes right in though, hits a big splash and finishes off Luger.

Postmatch: The heels beat up on Luger until his team comes back for the save.

Survivors: King Kong Bundy and Bam Bam Bigelow

BL: Was that supposed to be the blowoff to the Luger/Tatanka feud?  I don’t get that finish at all.  Match was way better than it had any right to be and for some reason the crowd was really into it.  I guess they wanted to cheer anything after the dismal end to the title match.  **

- Backlund gives Todd a lesson in morality and tells him it’s sports education not sports entertainment.  Education, now there is something that Todd could use.

Crappy Casket Match Main Event: The Undertaker vs. Yokozuna with lame celebrity…err…troubleshooting referee Chuck Norris

Taker makes a cool entrance as the video wall splits open for him to come out.  Yoko tries to bail early on, but Taker grabs him.  The fight spills out to the floor where Taker dominates.  Taker hits the ropewalk and this match is seemingly a carbon copy of the Rumble match.  Yoko catches Taker going for the big clothesline and hits him with a Samoan drop.  Here’s a shocker…Taker no-sells it.  After a couple of headbutts, Yoko tries to roll Taker into the casket but Taker stops him.  Yoko hits a version of the Rock Bottom and follows it up with a legdrop.  Taker gets put into the casket but he blocks the lid.  Both men begin to brawl inside the casket.  Fuji tries to stop Taker, but Taker beats up him and Cornette.  The distraction is enough for Yoko to gain control though.  After a couple of minutes of lame offense by Yoko, Taker makes his comeback.  Taker goes up and hits a top rope clothesline.  As Taker s  l  o  w  l  y rolls Yoko to the casket, King Kong Bundy and Bam Bam Bigelow come down the aisle.  Chuck Norris, in retaliation…stands there.  While the tense staredown happens in the aisleway, IRS comes from the crowd, beats up Taker and throws him into the casket.  So it took 12 guys to get Taker in the casket at the Rumble, but now IRS can do it himself.  Wow, impressive.  Yoko now wakes up and tries to close the lid, but Taker grabs him by the throat.  Jeff Jarrett comes down the aisle and gets superkicked by Norris.  Great!  Now, Jarrett is jobbing to Walker freakin Texas Ranger.  Taker hits a big clothesline, a DDT and a big boot to put Yoko in the casket.  Taker closes the lid and finishes this lame-o feud.

BL: Just about as bad as the Rumble match sans supernatural finish.  Norris was a complete non-entity here.  Here’s much more useful via the Walker Texas Ranger lever on Conan.  And while I’m glad to see the Yoko/Taker feud end, I shudder over the prospects of an IRS/Taker feud.  ½*

Final Thought: Let’s see here…the midget match was crap, the casket match was shit, the Survivor Series style matches had some decent wrestling but lousy finishes and the title match was just ok.  I’m no math wiz, but that seems to add up to a bad show.  This is the third PPV in a row with a lousy main event.  That is not a good sign.  Well, next up is the Royal Rumble, they can’t mess that up, right?

Next time, the WWF wrestlers fight over two heaping helpings of silicone.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.