- Emanating from the Corestates Spectrum in the “Bizarro World” a.k.a. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

- Your commentators are Vince McMahon and Dok Hendrixxx
 

 
KOTR Qualifying Match: Savio Vega vs. IRS

The reason for this qualifying match is that Razor was a last minute scratch and there was an open spot.  Vince claims Razor “begged” to be in the tournament but the doctor said no.  I’ve heard rumors that doctors refused to clear him because he drank all of their rubbing alcohol, but that is unconfirmed.  Razor opts for the next best thing and escorts Savio to the ring.  IRS starts to punch away on Savio, but he grabs IRS into a small package for 2.  Sunset flip by Savio gets another nearfall.  IRS misses a charge in the corner and Savio schoolboys him for 2.  After Savio gets a headlock on, IRS tries unsuccessfully to roll him over for a pin.  We cut to a shot of the Spanish announcers and judging by crowd reaction, it seems we missed something big.  Back to action and we find Savio on the floor outside.  As IRS grabs Savio and throws him into the ring, we see Tony Garea whisper something to Dibiase, who relays the message to IRS.  Must be time to bring it home already.  IRS goes up top but gets booted on his way down.  Savio starts his comeback and IRS decides to bail.  Savio brings him back, hits the spinning heel kick and finishes him off to advance into the tournament.

Bottom Line: I liked how they were constantly going for pinfalls throughout the match, but the match was so short that it can’t be worthy of any high praise.  *

- Show actually begins now and the announcers run down tonight’s card.  Sizzler’s menu sounds more appetizing than tonight’s list of matches.

Quarterfinal Match: Yokozuna vs. Savio Vega

How Yoko got into the tournament and Owen didn’t is a crime against nature.  Yoko qualified by gaining a countout victory over Lex Luger.  Poor Savio barely had any time to rest and he’s already back out there again.  What a trooper!  Savio cuts a prematch promo with Todd that’s almost entirely in Spanish.  We need Heenan to translate that for us.  Major stalling to start.  Yoko uses his weight to his advantage early on.  A missed elbow by Yoko allows Savio to go on the attack.  Savio rams Yoko’s head into the buckle ten times (in stereo), but misses the spinning heel kick.  As Owen watches this match from the Superstar Line room, Yoko goes up for the Banzai Drop.  Savio is able to move before Yoko connects.  Yoko slaps on the nerve grip, which is stupid in a 15 min. time limit match.  Savio is able to break free, but gets tossed to the floor.  Razor rolls Savio back in before the 10 count.  Yoko misses the legdrop and the fans begin to chant U-S-A.  Well I guess the Caribbean is virtually U.S. property.  Savio gets up and starts taking it to Yoko.  After Yoko gets hit with the spinning heel kick, Cornette gets on the apron.  Razor comes over to stop him, which prompts Owen to come out and attack him.  Soon all 4 men are on the outside.  Yoko charges but runs into the post.  Savio rolls back in before the 10 count and advances to the semi-finals.

BL: I like the way they booked that finish.  It got the crowd all jazzed up in an otherwise bland match.  Thank goodness Yoko gets eliminated here, because I would hate to see how long he would have put that nerve grip on in a 30 or 60 min. time limit match.  ¾ *

- Lawler tries to not gag from the stench of his foot while verbally running down Bret.  Most fans were gagging too when they heard this feud was going another month.

Quarterfinal Match: Bob Holly vs. The Roadie

Holly and The Roadie beat Mantaur and Doink respectively to get into the tournament.  Once again, I shake my head as The Roadie gets into the tourney, but Jeff Jarrett is left unbooked for this show.  Holly with a quick takedown gets a nearfall.  Several more pinfall attempts by Holly are unsuccessful.  It’s all Holly to start here.  Holly tries a leapfrog but The Roadie catches him and delivers a powerbomb.  Now on offense, The Roadie is giving Holly some rough turnbuckle treatment.  I don’t know how I ever liked The Roadie considering he committed one of my wrestling-related pet peeves, dancing between moves.  After 2 different chinlock sequences Holly comes back with a back bodydrop.  Holly hits “the most amazing dropkick you’ll ever see” to put The Roadie in trouble.  Powerslam by Holly gets 2.  The Roadie sets Holly up for a superplex but gets knocked off.  Holly gets booted as he tries to hit a high-risk maneuver.  The Roadie covers and gets the three count despite Holly seemingly getting his shoulder up.  Someone f’ed up there!

BL: A nice fast-pace to start made me think we were in for a decent match.  But when The Roadie took over on offense, things really slowed down.  Crowd was DOA.  *

- Todd reviews with Shawn Michaels his qualifying match victory over King Kong Bundy.  Shawn then says, “That’s what I have been trying to tell everyone, being big doesn’t mean you’re good.”  Sounds like Shawn was shooting there and if you don’t know why, it’ll become evident later.

Quarterfinal Match: Kama vs. Shawn Michaels

You’re pretty safe here as far as choosing who goes over.  Shawn is the most over of the eight contenders and would naturally make a good King of the Ring.  Kama on the other hand has issues with the Undertaker, as evidenced by the fact that there is a black wreath waiting for Kama when he goes out to the ring.  So a Taker/Kama match in the semifinals is logical too.  Vince says that the one thing about Shawn is that “he’ll get right in your face.”  Is that Vince shooting back?  The two trade wristlocks to begin.  Kama tosses Shawn over the top rope but he hoists himself back in and dumps Kama to the floor.  Lots of stalling here.  A swift kick to Shawn’s gut turns the tide to Kama’s favor.  After being thrown to the floor, Shawn is attacked by Dibiase.  Kama rams Shawn’s back into the post and then tosses Shawn back in.  Nothing much going on in the ring so we cut to a shot of Joe Frasier and his daughter sitting at ringside.  If the action doesn’t pick up soon, they’ll be cutting to a shot of the popcorn machine.  Kama uses his wide arsenal of kicks to weardown Shawn.  A nice sequence by Shawn as he pushes his way out of a back submission and turns it into a pinning situation for 2.  Kama whips Shawn to the corner where he does his flip flop and fly to the floor.  Dibiase once again puts the boots to Shawn while the referee is distracted.  Shawn gets back in right before “The Handler” Tim White counts to 10.  Kama decides to go back to working on the back.  It would be nice if he was consistent on where he attacks.  Kama misses a charge in the corner and then nearly messes up Shawn’s aerial attack by not turning around quickly enough.  With both men lying on the ground, we’re shown a graphic indicating that there is less than 2 and a half minutes left in the match.  Shawn hits a forearm and then kips up.  From the top Shawn hits a double axe handle.  That gets a 2 count.  About a minute to go.  Kama rolls through a bodypress but only gets 2.  Small package by Shawn gets 2.  Shawn gets a sunset flip but time runs out before the referee can count to 3. 

Postmatch: Shawn gives Kama some Sweet Chin Music and then shoots a nasty look Vince’s way.

BL: I want to throw something right now.  I spelled out at the beginning of this match how either man would be fine to advance.  So what do they do, have neither man advance.  Way to turn off everyone there.  Horrible booking!  On top of that this was definitely a subpar performance by Shawn.  No surprise that Shawn called it in considering the booking.  * ¼

- A hilarious video package showing Bob Backlund campaigning in the streets of Philadelphia.  He suggests we put a large carrot in the middle of a Philly Cheesesteak.  Now that’s comedy gold!

Quarterfinal Match: The Undertaker vs. Mabel

Stephanie catches Mabel in the aisle and asks for his thoughts.  He says Undertaker is going down.  Wow, how original!  Taker blocks a Mabel punch and goes right to work on him.  A series of clotheslines drops Mabel to the mat. Taker hits the ropewalk and continues his dominance.  Mabel catches Taker and hits the ugliest belly to belly I’ve ever seen.  After being clotheslined to the floor, Taker tries to get back in, but Mabel hits him again.  The shot causes Taker to get his foot caught in the ropes.  The referee frees Taker and he goes back on offense.  Mo distracts Taker long enough for Mabel to hit a better belly to belly.  A dead crowd is then treated with Mabel slapping on a chinlock.  Taker breaks free but is still in trouble.  A suplex by Mabel gets 2.  Taker boots a charging Mabel and follows it up with a clothesline.  Mabel hits Taker with a piledriver and gets a nearfall.  A mid-ring collision knocks both men down.  After Mabel (sorta) misses an elbow, Taker goes back on offense.  Mabel reverses a whip and throws Taker into the referee.  Oh god, was that necessary?  Taker manages to chokeslam Mabel but there’s no referee.  Kama comes down and kicks Taker in the head.  Mabel hits the cellulite legdrop and gets the 3 count.  Mabel must be working for Hoover because he just sucked the life out of this arena. 

Postmatch: Kama tries to go after Taker again, but he gets up and stalks him to the back.

BL: Tell me I didn’t just see that.  DUD

- To waste time they show highlights from last night’s Hall of Fame banquet honoring the “Big Cat” Ernie Ladd, the Fabulous Moolah, “Polish Power” Ivan Putski, Pedro Morales, The Grand Wizard, Antonino Rocco, and George “the Animal” Steele”.  I’m sure at least half of these people could still put on better matches than we’ve seen tonight.

Semifinal Match: Savio Vega vs. The Roadie

The Roadie tries getting over his “Road Dogg” nickname with Todd before his match but Todd as usual gawks on being completely clueless.  Shockingly, this matchup sorta makes sense since their second’s, Jarrett and Razor, have been feuding with each other for most of the year now.  A slugfest ensues right at the get-go, which Savio gets the better of.  After being tossed to the floor, The Roadie takes forever to get back in.  Savio begins to work over The Roadie’s arm.  A swinging neckbreaker by The Roadie turns the tide in his favor.  The Roadie hits a headbutt from the second rope and gets a 2 count.  This crowd is absolutely comatose right now.  A second headbutt misses and Savio gets his second wind.  Powerslam by Savio gets 2.  Jarrett trips Savio up as he is coming off the ropes.  While Jarrett is on the apron gloating, Savio shoves The Roadie into him and then rolls The Roadie up for the 3 count. 

Postmatch: Carlos Cabrerra interviews Savio and Dok Hendrix translates.  Based on Dok’s translation, Savio is scared of Mabel.  Who knew?

BL: This match was completely vanilla.  I just finished watching it 30 seconds ago and I can’t remember a thing about it.  This booking tonight has made my brain mush.  ½ *

- We rundown the events that lead us to this “Kiss My Foot” match between Bret Hart and Jerry Lawler, including Lawler forcing Aldo Montoya to kiss his foot.  He wears a man’s athletic supporter on his face, how much worse could Lawler’s foot be?

Kiss My Foot Match: Bret “the Hitman” Hart vs. Jerry “the King” Lawler

So after Bret’s humiliating loss to Lawler at last month’s In Your House, Bret begged for a rematch.  Sensing Lawler had Bret right where he wanted him, Lawler agreed and made the stipulation that the loser has to kiss the winner’s foot.  Bret immediately goes to work on Lawler’s midsection.  Lawler bails but Bret follows him out and continues the attack.  As Bret punches away, Lawler grabs him and throws him into the steps.  Lawler gets Bret back in and nails him with a piledriver.  After hitting two more, Lawler covers but Bret kicks out at 2.  Lawler gets distracted by the fans, which gives Bret time to recover.  As Bret tries to mount a comeback, Lawler grabs him and tosses him to the floor.  With Bret outside, Lawler removes his boot.  Behind the referee’s back, Lawler nails Bret with the boot.  Lawler covers but only gets 2.  Dok’s overselling of how much Lawler’s foot smells, stinks worse than the foot itself.  Lawler tries to put his foot in Bret’s face but Bret blocks it, drops Lawler to the mat and hits him in the “lower abdomen”.  A boot shot by Lawler prevents Bret from regaining momentum.  As the two brawl on the floor, Hakushi comes out to help but accidentally nails Lawler instead.  Bret takes Lawler back into the ring and hits the Trademark 5.  A Sharpshooter later and Lawler suffers the agony of da feet.  Bret initially refuses to release the hold but then remembers Summerslam ’93 and breaks it before the 5 count. 

Postmatch: As Bret tries to make Lawler kiss his foot, Hakushi and Shinja come back out but fail again.  Bret then not only makes Lawler kiss his foot, but Lawler’s foot as well.

BL: This is disappointing on a couple levels.  It was disappointing originally because I knew Bret was going over and I didn’t want to see that because of my Lawler mark-dom.  Now it’s sad because I see how Bret was being wasted at this time.  Match itself was pretty pedestrian but best of the night so far.  ** ¼

King of the Ring Final: Mabel vs. Savio Vega

After avoiding a charge by Mabel, Savio chops away on Mabel in the corner.  Mabel misses an elbow drop and Savio clotheslines him to the floor.  Savio delivers more punishment until Mabel tosses him into the steps.  Razor helps get Savio back in the ring.  Glad to see he’s earned his pay for tonight.  Mabel locks on a bearhug and I’m sure you can guess who needs the rest.  Hint: It’s not the guy who has already wrestled 3 times tonight.  After what seems like an eternity, Savio finally breaks free.  The escape wasn’t lasting as Mabel gets him right back in it.  This arena could easily be filled with mannequins with the reaction this match is getting.  A clothesline of sorts by Mabel gets 2.  Mabel now changes things up and puts on a chinlock.  An E-C-W chant starts up as Savio school boys Mabel for 2.  Sounds like the natives are getting restless.  Savio nails the spinning heel kick but again gets 2.  Mabel catches Savio trying to do a bodypress and slams him to the mat.  Only a 2 count there, which is surprising as I figured that was the end.  A big splash by the tub of goo does finish off Savio to make Mabel YOUR King of the Ring.

Postmatch: Mabel and Mo beat up Razor, so the Kid comes out but he gets punked out as well.

BL: I understand the story they were going with for Savio here but this wasn’t the right time or place for it.  As for King Baby Ruth, let’s just hope it was only by blackmailing Vince that got him this spot.  I would hate to think it was based on merit.  A true low point for the WWF.  - *

- Coronation Ceremony drags with nothing of interest happening.  The highlight of this is the showering of trash the fans give Mabel.

- We cut to the back to see Lawler vomiting in the bathroom.  Looks like he has the same reaction we all do to Mabel winning King of the Ring.

- Stephanie finds out what Sid and Tatanka’s game plan is for tonight.  And she didn’t even have to flash them to do it.

Crappy Tag Match Main Event: Diesel and Bam Bam Bigelow vs. Sid and Tatanka

Well what better way to end a great night of wrestling than with a tag team match.  This came as a result of the aftermath in the main event last month.  If you don’t remember what that entailed, go read last month’s rant.  The heels try to jump Diesel before he can get into the ring, but it’s Diesel and Bam Bam who clear out Sid and Tatanka.  Major stall session before the heels get back in.  Diesel and Tatanka lockup and Diesel knocks Tatanka down with a clothesline.  With the referee distracted, Sid attacks Diesel’s injured elbow.  Tatanka begins to chop away on Diesel’s elbow.  Sid misses a legdrop and Diesel makes the hot tag.  Bam Bam is easily taking on both heels.  After a DDT and a flying headbutt, Bam Bam covers but the referee is tied up with Dibiase.  Bam Bam goes to yell at Dibiase which allows Sid to attack from behind.  Sid is able to chokeslam Bam Bam from the second rope.  Tatanka hits a back suplex on Bam Bam to make him your human inferno-in-distress.  Sid boots Bam Bam to the floor.  As Bam Bam tries to launch himself back into the ring, Tatanka grabs him and throws him back to the floor.  Bam Bam manages to finally make the tag which barely garners any response from the crowd.  Diesel goes to work on Sid in the corner.  Diesel wins Idiot of the Month for doing an elbow drop on Sid with his injured elbow.  Then he has to tag Bam Bam who’s had hardly anytime to rest.  A flying bodypress by Tatanka gets 2 on Bam Bam.  Bam Bam puts his head down and gets hit with a DDT.  Double clothesline puts both men down.  Bam Bam rolls over, covers Tatanka, but only gets 2.  An enziguri on Tatanka allows Bam Bam to tag.  Diesel takes it to Tatanka, hitting him with a sideslam.  Diesel hits the Jacknife on Tatanka and covers him but pulls him up at 2.  DEAR GOD, WHY?  Diesel says he wants Sid.  Sid says “No thanks,” and abandons Tatanka.  Diesel drops an elbow (his injured one) on Tatanka and gets the pinfall. 

BL: OK, first the good.  The psychology on Diesel’s elbow was sound and Bam Bam did his best to carry all of these deadweights.  But that’s about it.  There was so much punching and kicking out there and that includes the fans hitting themselves to stay awake.  Plus, that ending is so wrong on many levels.  It means we still have another chapter in the Diesel/Sid saga plus no one cares about Diesel pinning Tatanka.  Let’s just forget this and move on. * ½

Final Thought: I think the entire diatribe speak volumes as to how bad this card is.  But in case you’re one of those people that don’t catch on real fast, this is for you…DON’T WATCH THIS SHOW!

Next time, I’m a lumberjack and that’s ok.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.