This show would mark the first time the Sunny “viewer discretion” video was aired before the show.  A very smart and bold move at the time as it actually lured more viewers in than turn them away.  The funny thing, however, is that those shows were downright kid-friendly in comparison to some of the shows nowadays, yet no such warning appears today.

Emanating from the Selland Arena in Fresno, California

Your commentators are Vince McMahon and Mr. Perfect
 

Opening Match: Ahmed Johnson vs. Jeff Jarrett

This match was setup as a result of Jarrett’s surprise return at last month’s In Your House and Jarrett’s subsequent beatdown of Ahmed after his match.  Ahmed gets in the first shots and makes Jarrett immediately bail to the floor.  Jarrett suckers Ahmed into chasing him and then attacks Ahmed as 

they both get back into the ring. Jarrett locks a headlock on Ahmed, but Ahmed just heaves him off.  A big powerslam by Ahmed gets 2.  Ahmed lunges toward Jarrett, but misses and gets his hand caught in the ropes.  Jarrett takes advantage of the situation and attacks Ahmed on the floor.  Inside, Jarrett goes for a double ax handle off the second rope, Ahmed no-sells it and starts doing the Warrior pee-pee dance.  Jarrett tries the move again and is caught in a bearhug.  After being hit with a spinebuster, Jarrett rolls to the outside.  However, he can’t rest as Ahmed comes flying over the ropes and hitting him with a plancha.  Big bump for Ahmed there.  Ahmed goes for a swanton bomb (!) but misses.  Jarrett takes advantage and slaps on the figure four.  Ahmed is able to turn over and reverse it.  As Jarrett tries for it again, Ahmed boots him to the floor.  Sensing despair, Jarrett grabs his guitar and goes up top.  Jarrett nails Johnson with the guitar so hard that Ahmed’s head goes completely through the guitar.  Quite an impressive visual.  That shot of course draws a disqualification for Jarrett.

Postmatch: Ahmed somehow gets up after that shot and chases Jarrett to the back.

Bottom Line: They squeezed in a few high spots in this short match and prevented it from being completely forgettable.  However, aside from those notables this was simply Ahmed squashing Jarrett in unimpressive fashion.  And a note to the WWF brass: having a DQ finish is never a good choice for your opener.  * ½

- We get some pre-taped comments from the Smoking Gunns and their promo is just god-awful.  Not awful in the “Boy, I hate these guys and will never like anything they ever do” sense, but rather in a “How did the production team ever feel that this was convincing enough to air” sense.  In said promo, Billy mentions, “they say this is a place where everything happens”.  Who in the blue hell has ever said that about Fresno, CA?

- Todd Pettingil chats with Diesel to get his thoughts on tonight’s Royal Rumble match.  Diesel runs down some of his opponents and says that it’s not Vader time, but rather Big Daddy Cool time.  Gee, I’m shocked that that catchphrase never caught on with the kids.

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: The Smoking Gunns (champs) vs. The Bodydonnas

For note, it was supposed to be Sid and The Kid getting the title shot (which makes their loss last month somewhat puzzling) but wouldn’t you know it, Sid decided to leave again so Dr. Tom Pritchard became Zip and presto! new heel tag team.  Skip and Billy start off with some fast-paced action until Billy misses Skip and launches himself to the floor.  The Bodydonnas now double-team both Gunns and clear the ring of them.  As they try launching Bart back in, he blocks it and launches both of them out.  Billy then leaps over the top rope and hits a plancha on them.  Who is that credible wrestler and what has he done with the real Billy Gunn?  Back inside, the Gunns play pinball with Skip.  Sunny starts acting flirtatious toward the Gunns, but the Bodydonnas fail to capitalize on the distraction.  Bart dominates Zip until the Bodydonnas make an illegal switch and Skip nails him from behind.  That’s short lived as Bart makes a tag and Billy goes back on the attack.  With the Gunns in control, Sunny hops back on the apron.  Skip throws Billy into the ropes, causing Sunny to fall to the floor.  Billy goes to check on her, which enables the Bodydonnas to blindside him.  All four men brawl on the floor until the referee sends Bart back to his corner.  Skip now hits a plancha of his own on Billy.  Back in the ring, the Bodydonnas make frequent tags to make Billy your Ricky Morton wannabe of the night.  A tandem flapjack by the Bodydonnas gets a nearfall.  Miscommunication by the Bodydonnas causes them to collide and allows Billy to make the hot tag.  Bart cleans house and is then joined by Billy, who helps the cause.  As the Gunns hit the Sidewinder, Sunny gets on the apron again.  With the referee occupied, Skip comes off the top rope and nails Bart.  The referee comes over and only gets a 2 count.  Hmm, thought that would be it there.  As the Bodydonnas go for a tandem suplex on Bart, Billy comes in and takes out Zip while Bart small packages Skip for the 3 count.

BL: An odd match that had a disjointed beginning, settled into a standard tag match in the middle and then wound up with an unconventional ending.  There were some nice high spots, but the match didn’t do anything to put over the Bodydonnas; especially after they didn’t get the win from the “sneak attack after the faces hit their finisher” maneuver.  I’m giving the match an extra ¼ star for the shots of Sunny’s ass.  ** ½

- A compilation of the beloved Billionaire Ted skits are shown.  I’m sure most of you know all about these and because of that, you know that no amount of wisecracks by me can do justice for how bad these were.  But if there is someone out who doesn’t know what these are, write to me and I’ll do my best in a future review to give further elaboration and mockery on these vignettes.

- Now we move onto the promo video that showcases the events leading up to tonight’s Goldust/Razor match.  It began at last month’s In Your House when Goldust sent Razor a letter.  In the following weeks, Goldust continued to send more gifts expressing his “affection” for him.  It was played up as it could be mind games or true love.  Regardless, this was truly groundbreaking at the time and got the WWF in trouble with certain groups for the Goldust character.

WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Razor Ramon (champ) vs. Goldust

Goldust further muddies his true intentions by coming down to ringside with a woman in a gold dress.  The woman would later be identified as Marlena and in real life is Terri Runnells, who was married to Goldust at this time.  After some initial stalling by Goldust, Razor decides he’s had enough and grabs Goldust’s arm and begins to work on it.  Goldust reverses a waist lock and begins to run his hands over Razor’s chest, which freaks him out, natch.  That also draws quite a reaction from the crowd.  Goldust backs Razor into a corner and rubs his head, prompting Razor to shove him down hard.  The two exchange slaps and Razor even slaps Goldust on the ass, which Goldust seems to enjoy.  Razor knocks Goldust to the outside and then goes after him, but can’t do anything because Goldust immediately hides behind Marlena.  Twice more Razor hits Goldust to the outside and tries to follow up, only to have Goldust hide behind Marlena.  On the third time, Razor grabs Marlena and moves her aside, but Goldust then blindsides Razor and throws him into the steps.  Inside, Goldust works on Razor’s back.  A running bulldog by Goldust gets a nearfall.  Goldust gets a couple more nearfalls before locking on a sleeper.  Razor gets back on his feet and mulekicks Goldust to break free.  A chokeslam by Razor gets a 2 count.  Razor, now in control, hits Goldust with the fallaway slam.  Goldust tries going up top, but Razor crotches him.  As Razor hits a top rope back suplex, Marlena comes into the ring and feigns an injury.  With the referee tending to her, the Kid (still in his RAW Bowl jersey) comes through the crowd and hits Razor in the back of the head with a kick from the top rope.  Goldust gets up, covers and gets the 3 count to become the new Intercontinental Champion.

BL: That finish really irritates me.  Not for the fact that it gave Goldust the title, but that it had to involve the Kid.  They basically chickened out of having the Goldust/Razor feud be extended.  And if you say, “Well, the Kid and Razor had unfinished business”, to you sir I say that their unfinished business should have been dealt with before this feud began.  As for the rest of the match, it was just ok.  Nothing spectacular.  **

- We get our favorite segment of this show: Rumble participants’ thoughts on their chances of winning.  This year we hear from such guys as Owen Hart, Barry Horowitz, the debuting Vader, the returning Jake Roberts and Dr. Jeffrey Unger.  Who’s Jeffrey Unger, you ask?  Why he’s the personal doctor for Shawn Michaels and claims he will be at ringside to watch over him.

Royal Rumble Match

HHH is #1 after losing, via DQ, to Duke “the Dumpster” Drosse during the first ever Free For All.  And at #2 is the surprise of all surprises Henry O’ Godwinn, who is just coming off a feud with HHH.  HHH and Godwinn slug it out until Godwinn knocks him down with a clothesline.  Godwinn whips HHH to the corner where he flips and flops, but doesn’t fall out.  HHH is pressed over Godwinn’s head, but he escapes before getting thrown out.  #3 is Mr. Bob Backlund, who comes in and stops Godwinn from eliminating HHH.  Every man takes their shots at each other with no alliances showing.  Jerry Lawler is #4 and grabs Godwinn’s slop bucket.  As HHH and Backlund hold Godwinn, Lawler gets ready to slop him.  However, Godwinn escapes and grabs his bucket back as the heels flee to the floor.  With their backs turned, Godwinn pours the bucket’s contents on all three of them.  Order is finally restored and Bob Holly enters at #5.  HHH throws Godwinn over, but he hangs on and rolls back in.  #6 is Mabel and he goes right after Godwinn.  Fellow king, Lawler joins Mabel against Godwinn while HHH and Holly square off.  Jake “the Snake” Roberts slithers out at #7 and immediately releases his snake into the ring.  Then Jake grabs Lawler and lays the snake on him, causing Lawler to crawl out of the ring.  Still no one has been eliminated as Dory Funk Jr. hobbles down at #8.  Jake goes for a DDT on HHH but he blocks it.  As no one does anything interesting, we see Lawler is hiding underneath the ring.  #9 is Yokozuna and if the ring wasn’t filled enough already, it certainly is now.  Yoko makes an immediate impact by eliminating Backlund.  Mabel and Yoko go at it and Mabel splashes Yoko in the corner with Godwinn behind both of them.  Oomph!  At #10 is the Kid who’s looking behind him all the way down to the ring with good reason as Razor soon chases after him.  The Usual Bunch of Idiots escort Razor back before he can get to the Kid.  While all that happened, Jake dumped Godwinn out.

#11 is Asian sensation, Ohmari who gets Aja Kong’s music, or is it Tenryu and Kitao’s?  Perhaps, it’s the Orient Express’ music.  I can’t tell.  More nothingness happens as #12 Savio Vega comes out.  After receiving a spinning heel kick from Savio, Mabel is dumped out by Yoko.  Jake and Ohmari spill over the top rope but only Ohmari falls to the floor.  #13 is Vader, who is accompanied by Jim Cornette.  Vader chooses his first target to be Holly.  Good choice.  From the apron, Savio backdrops Funk to the floor.  The buzzer sounds and we get another “who?” participant.  This time it’s Doug Gilbert at #14.  Jake DDTs Savio to a nice pop.  In the most ludicrous spot of the night, Jake gets hit by Vader in the middle of the ring and then stumbles all the way to the side and over the top rope.  Squat Team member #1 comes out at #15 as fans begin to wonder if this is the Royal Rumble or an indy show battle royal.  Vader now begins to dominate as he press slams Gilbert to the floor and then launches Squat Team member #1 over the top rope.  Yoko and Vader begin to brawl much to Cornette’s dismay.  As Squat Team member #1 heads out, the buzzer sounds and out comes Squat Team member #2 as #16.  What a co-inky-dink!  They both decide to go to the ring only to both be eliminated by Vader and Yoko respectively.  #17 is Owen Hart and he also decides to start off by attacking Holly.  Vader and Yoko are now working together to beat up Savio.  #18 is Shawn Michaels and our Clique count is up to 3.  As Shawn attacks HHH, Vader clotheslines Savio out of the ring.  Yoko and Vader start going at it again, which allows Shawn to come up from behind and eliminate both of them.  Yeah riiight!  Then just for kicks, Shawn press slams the Kid to the floor also.  Hakushi comes out at #19 as Vader and Yoko continue to brawl on the floor.  Vader comes back in the ring and press slams Shawn to the floor.  He then clears the ring of everyone, forcing a bunch of referees and interim president Gorilla Monsoon to come out and force Vader to leave the ring.  All the people Vader just “eliminated” come back in and out comes #20 Tatanka.  What rock did they find him under?  HHH knocks Shawn over, but he hangs on.  Meanwhile, Hakushi isn’t as lucky as Owen dumps him to the floor. 

Jacques Strap, err, I mean Aldo Montoya is out at #21.  By the way, why the hell is Bob Holly still in this Rumble?  He should have been eliminated with the rest of the riff raff minutes ago.  Shawn, now on the floor, grabs Lawler and brings him back into the ring.  As Shawn officially eliminates Lawler and Tatanka clotheslines Aldo out, Diesel strolls out at #22.  Diesel comes in and immediately eliminates Tatanka.  Diesel then actually knocks Shawn down.  #23 is Kama, who comes out to zero reaction.  Ouch, I mean, even Doug Gilbert got some reaction.  We’ve now paired off as it’s Diesel and Kama, HHH and Owen, and Shawn and Holly.  A fresh-faced young man that goes by Steve Austin, but is now called The Ringmaster comes out at #24.  I wonder if he’ll ever amount to anything.  As Mr. Perfect sings Austin’s praises, Austin beats up on Holly.  Holly flips Austin over, but he hangs on and sneaks up and eliminates Holly on the other side.  Finally!  That elimination actually got some cheers, which proves there are still some sane people in California.  Barry Horowitz is #25 and still can’t catch a break as he’s immediately grabbed by Diesel upon entry.  As everyone seems to be standing around, Diesel wakes everyone up by quickly tossing HHH to the floor.  Lasting until #25 was still a very good showing by HHH.  Fatu is #26, but somehow I don’t think he’ll “make a difference” in this match.  Owen tries to suplex Shawn out, but he blocks it.  As #27 Issac Yankem gets in the ring, Owen backdrops Horowitz out of the ring.  Owen then goes over and hits Shawn with the enziguri, the move that put Shawn on the shelf last November.  As Owen goes to throw Shawn’s limp body out, Diesel comes from behind and tosses Owen to the floor.  Marty Janetty is #28 and we’re back to punching and kicking.  Shawn and Marty start to brawl which means these two have taken over for Martel and Santana as the ex-tag partners guaranteed to go at it in the Rumble.  Kama gets Fatu over but not to the floor.  #29 is the British Bulldog, who gets a nice draw for a guy coming off being the #1 contender at last month’s In Your House.  Making an impact already, the Bulldog backdrops Janetty to the floor.  While the Bulldog and Shawn fight, we see in the background Fatu clothesline Austin out of the ring.  Geez, first this and then attempted vehicular homicide.  Man, Fatu’s really got it out for this guy.  Fatu can’t celebrate for too long as Yankem comes up and clotheslines him out.  Thanks to the Free For All match, Duke Drosse is your #30 entrant.  He goes right after Yankem, as the Bulldog and Shawn, neither eliminated, brawl on the floor.  Out of nowhere, Owen comes back and helps the Bulldog attack Shawn.  Back inside, Shawn is pressed by the Bulldog, but Diesel stops him from tossing Shawn out.  Shawn now gets the strength to dropkick Yankem and eliminate him.  Diesel and Kama team up and get rid of Duke.  That makes our Final Four: Shawn Michaels (naturally), the Bulldog (perfectly acceptable), Diesel (makes sense) and Kama (huh?).  The Bulldog dumps Shawn over, but he slips back in and clotheslines the Bulldog to the floor.  Meanwhile, Diesel piefaces Kama to the floor, only to turn around and receive Sweet Chin Music, which sends him up and over to the floor.

Postmatch: Diesel teases turning on Shawn, only to offer him a high five.

BL: A completely blah Rumble as the winner was pretty well known before the event.  The crowd wasn’t really into it as there were too many entrants that they weren’t familiar with or had stopped caring about a long time ago.  Still there were some interesting stories told here (HHH’s longevity, Vader’s dominance, HBK’s survival against all odds) that helped matters.  Plus, there was an interesting look to the future as this marked the first time such people like HHH and HBK or Austin and Rikishi faced off.  This wasn’t a bad Rumble, it just wasn’t a very memorable one.  **

- Oh and by the way, this message goes to you, Dr. Jeffrey Unger, if that is your real name.  I did not see you ringside during that match.  What if Shawn had gotten severely injured?  I’m beginning to think you aren’t ever a real doctor.  You probably said you were, just so you could get on TV.  

WWF Championship Match: Bret “the Hitman” Hart (champ) vs. The Undertaker

As the Undertaker walks down to ringside, he bumps into Diesel, who had not left yet from the last match.  They actually trade punches before being separated by the Usual Bunch of Idiots.  Taker begins by stalking Bret, but Bret won’t let him get close.  Bret finally gets caught in a corner and Taker doles out some rough turnbuckle treatment.  Taker slows the match way down with a claw-like hold on Bret’s face.  After hitting the ropewalk, Taker goes back to the clawhold as Bret can’t seem to get out of the blocks.  Finally, Bret boots a charging Taker to get some momentum.  Bret clotheslines Taker to the floor, but he lands on his feet.  A plancha to the floor by Bret does take him down though.  Bret tries another move from the apron, but Taker catches him and rams his back into the post.  The two continue to brawl on the floor with Taker having most of the offense.  Bret turns the tide by whipping Taker into the steps.  Being the consummate pro, Bret begins working on Taker’s legs, as they are what were most injured when Taker went into the steps.  All of Bret’s work culminates in him slapping on a figure four.  Taker flips it over, causing Bret to grab the ropes and the hold to be released.  Bret goes back to work on the leg and this is getting really boring now.  Out of nowhere, Bret goes after Taker’s “facial appliance”, but does not succeed in getting it off.  A meek “Rest in Peace” chant starts as Bret goes back to the leg.  Taker finally gets free and tosses Bret to the outside.  On the floor, Taker attacks Bret and chokes him with a microphone cable to a chorus of boos.  Taker continues to attack, this time using a chair.  Taker isn’t getting disqualified for any of this, because Paul Bearer is distracting the referee.  Back inside the ring, Taker can’t capitalize on his attack as Bret is able to go after Taker’s leg again.  Now that draws some boos.  Hard to say whether those were coming from Taker fans or people tired of seeing the same thing again.  Taker gets Bret up for a tombstone, but Bret grabs the top rope to escape.  A DDT by Bret and he covers, but Taker kicks out at 2 and does the zombie sit-up.  Bret now goes through some of the Trademark 5, but Taker does the zombie sit-up after each move.  Taker blocks a sharpshooter attempt by grabbing Bret by the throat.  A double clothesline sends both men down.  Bret gets up and undoes the turnbuckle pad.  He then goes over and removes Taker’s mask.  Taker’s head gets rammed in the exposed corner twice.  As Bret comes off the ropes, Taker catches him and hits him with the tombstone.  Taker covers, but as the referee counts, Diesel comes out and pulls Earl Hebner out of the ring.  That draws a disqualification and does not sit well with the crowd.  Taker stupidly believes he’s won the title (how long has he been wrestling?) and then looks over to see Diesel give him the finger (a first in the WWF) and walk off.

BL: Man, this was a boring match.  They couldn’t decide whether to make it a brawl or a technical bout.  As a result, they did neither very well.  And to top it off, they do all these illegal things (chairs, exposed turnbuckles, etc.) with hardly a warning, then they actually have this cheap DQ finish.  Pretty unsatisfactory end to a lousy match.  * ¼

Final thought: Up until the main event, every match had their bright points, but really didn’t shine as a whole.  Then the main event was a chore to get through.   I can’t recommend the show, but if you do decide to watch it, do yourself a favor and stop the tape after the Rumble match.

Next time, two men fight over who’s the bigger baby while another crybaby finally gets his championship rematch.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.