OK, now sit back folks and enjoy…

OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue for WWF Wrestlemania XII

Emanating from the Arrowhead Pond in Anaheim, CA.

Your commentators are Vince McMahon and Jerry “the King” Lawler

- I’m watching this show on my copy from the Wrestlemania boxed set, which means there may be stuff that happened on this show that isn’t on this tape (i.e. Free For All) and thus I can’t comment on them.  Man, after I just get done saying I’ll make sure and step it up, I let you down by not being able to give you my analysis on the Huckster/Nacho Man match.  I’m just one ball of disappointment today.   

6-man tag team match: Yokozuna, Ahmed Johnson, and Jake “the Snake” Roberts vs. Vader, Owen Hart, and the British Bulldog

This is the first of many substitution matches on the card.  As noted in last month’s review, Rowdy Roddy Piper originally made a Yokozuna vs. Vader, one-on-one match.  I’ll assume that Yoko’s questionable stamina and the fact that the Iron Man match limited screen-time for the rest of the roster, is the reason for this change.  It should be noted there still is the stipulation that if the faces win, Yoko gets 5 minutes alone with Jim Cornette.  As the faces come out, they play this weird mix of all 3 of their theme songs.  All 6 men brawl to begin and naturally the faces clear the ring.  We settle down and get Yoko and Vader squaring off, but all they do is punch each other.  Owen tags in, but doesn’t fare so well against Yoko.  The Bulldog pulls Owen out of the way of a charging Yoko and now Yoko is in trouble.  As Vader punches away at Yoko again, I’m literally stunned as I see Mister Fuji is now ringside waving an American flag.  I have a very good memory and I totally do not remember Fuji staying aligned with Yoko during his face run.  Vader misses a punch, allowing Yoko to hit a version of the Rock Bottom and make the hot tag to Ahmed.  Ahmed easily takes on everyone until Vader blindsides him with a clothesline.  While Ahmed attempts a sunset flip on Vader, he tries to sit on Ahmed, but misses.  Ahmed goes for the Pearl River Plunge on the Bulldog, but Cornette gets on the apron, which allows Owen to hit Ahmed with a top rope dropkick.  Owen hits Ahmed with an enziguri.  After clotheslining Owen, Ahmed makes the second hot tag to Jake.  Jakes takes out everyone and goes for the DDT on Owen, but he hangs onto the ropes.  Owen knees Jake as he charges and then takes him over to the heel corner.  Vader comes in and just manhandles Jake.  A big elbow by Owen on Jake gets 2.  The Bulldog hits the running powerslam on Jake, but Jake kicks out at 2.  Why would they kill his finisher in a nothing match like this?  Vader hits a big splash and again Jake kicks out at 2.  The Bulldog misses a legdrop, allowing Jake to tag Yoko.  Yoko pummels Vader in the corner and then takes out Owen and the Bulldog as well.  Yoko and Vader fight on the floor as Jake and Owen go at it in the ring.  Jake nails Owen with the DDT and covers, but the referee is distracted with the fight on floor.  Cornett comes in the ring, but before Jake can hit him with a DDT, Vader hits him from behind.  Vader then hits Jake with the Vader Bomb and gets the 3 count, despite not being the legal man.

Bottom Line: What a shitty ending!  Not only did the illegal man score the pin, but it was Vader pinning Jake, which wasn’t the issue of the match; Yoko and Vader was.  Worst of all, it completely deflated the crowd.  As for the rest of the match, there was some ok stuff, but it would have been better to have one face do a lengthy Ricky Morton sequence instead of each of them doing a small one.  * ½

- A video package tries to help explain why Goldust is facing Roddy Piper tonight.  You see, this was yet another substitution match.  It was originally going to be Goldust vs. Razor Ramon, but weeks before the event Razor was suspended for allegedly failing a drug test.  I’ll give you a minute to wrap your mind around that shocking claim.  Anyways, Goldust has now proclaimed his affection for the acting president thus we get…

Hollywood Backlot Brawl: Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Goldust

Well here’s something to help the deflated crowd liven up after that last match…pre-taped segments!!  We find Piper holding a bat waiting for Goldust in some alley.  Goldust arrives in a gold Cadillac which Piper hoses down and then beats up with a bat.  Now Piper gives Goldust the same treatment with the bat.  This is all going down as people nearby watch as if this isn’t out of the ordinary.  We get some more garbage wrestling and Goldust now appears to be busted open on his head.  After lowblowing Piper, Goldust gets back in his car and thanks to the magic of editing, appears to hit Piper with the car.  Goldust speeds away and Piper gets up and begins to chase him in his car, as we cut back to the arena.  Will Piper ever catch up to Goldust?  Will Goldust ever reveal his true colors?  Will Vince ever stop coming up with lame ideas?  Tune in next time…same lame match, same lame pay-per-view.

Savio Vega vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin

Austin was in-flux character-wise at this point as he lost The Ringmaster moniker, but was still the Million Dollar Champion.  The reason for this feud eludes me until Dok Hendrix interviews Vega and they recap the scenario.  Evidently, as a result of a “random draw” Vega and Austin were paired up to take on the BodyDonnas (So that random generator does exist!).  In that match, Austin refused to be tagged in and then attacked Vega costing them the match.  That’s about as lousy of a reason for a feud as I’ve ever seen.  This should have been the Free For All match and not the tag team title match.  Austin jumps Vega as he enters the ring, but Vega quickly turns the tables.  The fight spills to the floor where Vega dominates.  Back inside, Austin catches Vega with his head down and then throws him, shoulder-first, into the post.  Austin works over Vega’s arm, which doesn’t help liven a crowd that’s been DOA since the beginning of the Backlot Brawl.  Speaking of that atrocity, Piper has just called in to say his fight isn’t over.  Police sirens are heard in the background so hopefully they’ll put a stop to this crap.  Meanwhile, there’s still a match going on and currently Austin is in control, working on Vega’s injured arm.  Piper joins us again to ramble some more as Austin drops an elbow from the second rope.  A crossbody by Vega gets 2.  Austin hits the Lou Thesz Press and then the two trade rapid pinfall attempts.  Now we have video footage of Piper trying to chase Goldust and wouldn’t you know it, Piper is driving a white Ford Bronco down the highway while being followed by police cars.  Har Har Har, I can hardly contain my laughter.  Hey Vince, Jay Leno called, he wants his tired joke back.  Vega catches Austin with a spinning heel kick, but as he tries for a follow-up move off the second rope, Austin catches him with his knees.  Small package by Vega gets a nearfall.  Austin now goes up to the top rope, but Vega boots him as he comes down.  Vega mounts his comeback and hits Austin with a pair of clotheslines.  Austin ducks out of the way of Vega’s spinning heel kick, which catches the referee instead.  With the referee down, Ted Dibiase tosses the Million Dollar Belt into the ring, which Austin grabs and blasts Vega with twice.  As Austin chokes out Vega, Dibiase wakes up the referee.  The referee goes over and checks on Vega, who’s hand drops three times to give Austin the win.

BL: Perhaps the only documented PPV win that came as a result of a man’s hand dropping 3 times while in a submission hold.  Unique?  Yes.  Exciting?  No.  Between the dead crowd, the numerous interruptions by Pier and the nonsensical referee bump, that finish couldn’t have been flatter.  That’s a shame too as the wrestling was ok.  Given the right setting, things could have been much better.  * ½

- Mr. Perfect chats with Diesel and gets his thoughts on his match.  Diesel says, “Tonight Big Daddy takes cool of you.”  Ease off that NyQuil Kev and maybe we’ll understand what you’re trying to say.

The Ultimate Warrior vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley

HHH’s music finally wakes up the crowd as they know something exciting is finally going to happen.  A familiar face is walking down with HHH to ringside tonight.  It’s none other than Sable, but we’ll have more to say about her later.  Warrior’s pre-match posing actually lasts longer than the match itself.  HHH gets a few punches and hits the Pedigree.  Naturally, it’s no-sold and from there Warrior does his 30 second squash set and pins HHH to end his nearly year-long undefeated streak.

BL: Well that wasn’t quite the thrilling return many had dreamed of, but then again, I don’t think we should have expected anything more.  I don’t know the actual number, but I will go on record as saying the Warrior got paid way too much for the work he put in tonight.  The response for him was not the crowd explosion that I’m sure Vince was expecting.  That there should have set off warning bells right away in his head.  Oh, and by the way…DUD.

- Todd Pettingil introduces us to a new superstar, WILDman Marc Mero.  Mero then proceeds to cut a promo where he tries to squeeze the word WILD in as many times as he can.  As he’s talking, HHH comes by and yells at Sable.  The crack staff camera crew fails to pick up what HHH says.  But it must have been awful as Mero comes to her aid and then the two men brawl until the Usual Bunch of Idiots separate them.

The Undertaker vs. Diesel

Taker can barely get his hat off before the two slug it out.  Diesel works Taker over in the corner.  Taker gets clotheslined to the floor, but he then drags Diesel out there with him and they brawl some more.  Back inside, Taker gets Diesel up for the Tombstone, but he escapes.  A crossbody by Taker gets 2.  After connecting with the ropewalk, Taker goes for another crossbody but misses.  Diesel is knocked to the floor and Taker follows him out there.  Taker tries to nail Diesel with a chair, but Diesel ducks out of the way.  Diesel whips Taker into the guardrail and then rams his back into the post twice.  As Taker tries to recover, Vince mentions that the Warrior is now on the Superstar Line.  Oh Lord!  I pity the kids who called and had to hear his nonsensical ranting.  Inside, Taker keeps trying to get to his feet but Diesel keeps punching him down.  A sideslam by Diesel gets 2.  Diesel whips Taker to the corner, but gets elbowed when he tries charging after him.  A double KO spot as both men boot each other.  Both men get up and Diesel slaps on a hearhug.  Taker breaks free with a side suplex.  A top rope clothesline by Taker gets a 2 count.  Diesel catches Taker with his head down and nails him with the Jackknife.  Instead of covering, Diesel just points and laughs.  This, of course, allows Taker to do a zombie sit-up.  Diesel, however, grabs him and gives him a second Jackknife.  Again, Diesel does some taunting instead of covering.  When he finally does go for a pin, Taker grabs him by the throat.  Diesel avoids a chokeslam and slams Taker back down.  Taker is back up again and nails Diesel with a big clothesline.  He follows that up with a chokeslam.  All that’s left is the Tombstone which Taker connects with and pins him for the victory.

BL: This match shocked me as they kept it much more action-packed than I would have ever imagined.  All it really lacked was a big bump or spot to make it memorable.  Also, I was surprised how strong they kept Diesel in this match.  They didn’t make him look like a chump even though he was on his way out.  The match also marked the humanizing of Taker that would progress throughout ’96.  ** ¾

- Piper and Goldust have finally made their way back to the arena and Piper chases Goldust to the ring.  They do some tepid brawling for a couple of minutes until Goldust plants one on Piper and he loses it.  Piper does some damage to Goldust’ testicular area and rips off his suit to reveal he’s wearing black lingerie underneath.  Marlena covers Goldust up and they scamper off as Piper celebrates.

BL: No rating here as this was no real match.  I think my comments throughout all of these shenanigans show what I thought of it all.  Pointless drivel.

- An excellent video package that clearly illustrates the similarities and differences between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels.  No cute comments here, it’s time to fight.

Ironman Match for the WWF Championship: Bret “the Hitman” Hart (champ) vs. Shawn Michaels

Before the match, Howard Finkel announces the returning Gorilla Monsoon is now the official president of the WWF.  Shawn comes out in exciting fashion via a zipline from the upper level of the arena.  Vince creams his pants as Shawn makes his descent.  Meanwhile, boring ol’ Bret just walks down the aisle.  Yawn.  Who wants a champion that just walks?

(60:00 remain) Early chain wrestling gives neither man an advantage.  Bret locks on a headlock, which Shawn has difficulty escaping despite a number of attempts.  Finally free, Shawn hits a couple of hiptosses and then slaps on an armbar.  Bret works Shawn into a corner and lays some shots in on his midsection.  Shawn turns him around though and lays some hard punches to Bret’s head.

(50:00 remain) Shawn whips Bret out of the ring with a headscissors, but opts not to follow him out.  Bret tries to throw Shawn outside but he hoists himself back in and goes back to work on Bret’s arm.  As Shawn works Bret’s arm, I must commend Vince and Jerry so far with providing great commentary on the psychology of the match.  Bret, now free, catches Shawn coming off the ropes and tries for a Sharpshooter, but Shawn quickly grabs the ropes.  Frustrated, Bret just clotheslines Shawn to the outside.  Shawn whips Bret into the post and then goes for Sweet Chin Music, but misses and absolutely BLASTS Tony Chimel with the kick.  I hope he got a little extra in his paycheck for that.  Inside, Bret goes back to the headlock while attendants help Chimel on the outside.  After a failed rollup by Shawn, he quickly knocks Bret down with a dropkick and goes back to the arm.  Both men have clearly chosen a body part on their opponent to target.

(40:00 remain) Bret elbows out and then lays in some stiff uppercuts on Shawn.  Shawn reverses a whip and throws Bret into the corner where his shoulder rams into the post.  A good break for Shawn who’s already been working on that arm.  Shawn how hits a shoulderbreaker and a double ax handle to further injure that left shoulder.  Bret uses his good hand to punch Shawn, but Shawn quickly grabs the injured arm again and puts it in another submission hold.  A break for Bret as he’s able to pick up Shawn and drop him throat-first on the middle rope.  He follows that up with a slingshot that sends Shawn’s head into the post.  That gets a 2 count.  Shawn tries to charge at Bret, but misses and lands in the corner.  Bret kicks away at him and then nails him with a reverse atomic drop.  A clothesline by Bret gets another nearfall.  Still no decisions for either man.

(30:00 remain) Bret hits Shawn with a bulldog and then goes up top and hits a second one.  The second one also knocked down the referee, but not out.  A powerslam by Shawn gets 2 ¾.  Bret nails Shawn with a piledriver, to Lawler’s delight, and gets another nearfall.  Going up top is costly for Bret as he’s thrown off ala Flair by Shawn.  Shawn tries for Sweet Chin Music but Bret bails to the floor.  Not happy with that, Shawn goes up top and hits Bret with a high crossbody on the floor.  Shawn throws Bret back in and hits another crossbody, but Bret rolls through it and gets a 2 count.  A small package by Shawn gets 2.  A perfectplex (!) also gets a nearfall for Shawn.  Shawn locks in a sleeper, but Bret refuses to go out.  After whipping Bret to the corner, Shawn charges, but gets backdropped all the way to the floor in a HUGE bump.  Instead of taking a countout win, Bret goes out and rams Shawn back into the post.  Bret throws Shawn back in and now begins to focus on the back.

(20:00 remain) After dishing out some severe punishment on Shawn’s back, Bret whips him to the corner where he flips and flops.  But before Shawn can fly out, Bret grabs him and hits him with a back suplex from the top rope.  That gets another close pinfall.  Bret applies a camel clutch to apply more pressure to Shawn’s back.  A sunset flip by Shawn gets 2.  Bret whips Shawn to the corner again and this time he does flip, flop and fly.  On his way to the floor, Shawn, also accidentally, kicked Jose Lothario in the head.  Man, Shawn’s feet need hazard lights on them.  Bret whips Shawn into the steps and then throws him back into the ring.  A belly-to-belly gets 2 for Bret.  Shawn is able to roll Bret up, but Bret kicks him off which sends Shawn to the outside again.  Bret goes for the tope and Shawn just gets up in enough time to be hit by it.  The referee gets a count of 7 before Bret tries to suplex Shawn back in.  Shawn reverses it only for Bret to reverse him and nail him with a German suplex for yet another close count.

(10:00 remain) A slugfest breaks out and Shawn actually gestures to Bret to give him whatever he’s got.  A double clothesline sends both men down.  Bret perches Shawn up top and then hits the superplex.  Shawn blocks a Sharpshooter attempt, but can’t block Bret from locking on a half crab.  Shawn grabs the roeps, but Bret remains in control.  Bret tries for an elbow from the second rope, but Shawn gets his legs up.  Shawn nails Bret with a dropkick and then whips Bret HARD chest-first into the corner.  A forearm by Shawn and then he kips up.  Shawn gets a nearfall with a double ax handle.  The big elbow by Shawn also gets a 2 count.  Shawn connects with the moonsault, but still can’t get a pinfall.  One minute to go…  Shawn goes up top, but Bret catches him coming down and locks on the Sharpshooter.  10 seconds to go…Shawn won’t give up…3, 2, 1.  It’s over.  Earl Hebner hands Bret the belt and he starts to walk back.  BUT WAIT…Gorilla Monsoon comes in the ring and order the match to continue under sudden death rules.

(Overtime) Bret pounds on Shawn’s back unmercilessly.  Shawn avoids a charging Bret and then hits him with a weak superkick.  Both men slowly crawl back up and now Shawn is able to fully hit Sweet Chin Music, cover Bret and finally get the 3 count.

BL: The first half was expectedly slow but not useless as both men intelligently targeted a body part.  Then the second part was seemingly non-stop action with both guys pulling out all the stops.  Simply a great story told throughout, but in retrospect Bret got the shaft with the shady sudden death that wasn’t explained until after the match.  Still, big ups to both guys proving themselves and going the distance.  **** ½

Final Thoughts: The WWF is lucky the Ironman was as good as it was because they put no effort into the undercard whatsoever.  Aside from the Taker/Diesel match, which was an ok big man match, the rest was forgettable or really awful.  So I’d recommend finding another source to just watch the Ironman and if you can’t, then and only then, watch this show.

Next time, we say goodbye to old friends and hello to catchy subtitles.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue