So I guess I should fill up this top part of the column so I can get past the ad, but frankly I really don’t have a whole lot to talk about.  Actually, there are a couple of things that I would like to get off my chest.  I’m about a week and a half away from leaving the University of Dayton for good (sniff sniff), and ready to begin summer.  However, I can’t get excited for summer just yet, because there are two big mysteries going on in the entertainment world that I need answers to.
 

First, is the status of the best sitcom on television today, Arrested Development.  The fact that fans do not know whether it will be picked up for a third season or not is deplorable.  If you frequent the Internet on a regular basis, I’m sure you fall on one of two sides of this issue.  Either you are in complete agreement with me and would like to 

see this show return.  Or you’re sick and tired of us Internet people fawning over the show.  Regardless of where you stand, I urge everyone out there to please make a concentrated effort to watch this show.  Buy the DVDs, watch the summer reruns, something!  Please trust me that you won’t be disappointed.  Also, if you haven’t already fans of the show should go to www.getarrested.com and pledge your support for the show.  Show those bums at FOX that there are dozens of us…dozens!!  I mean, COME ON!!

The other issue in limbo is who will be the next James Bond.  For a long time now, I’ve been a Bond fan and the wait on this announcement is killing me as well.  Every week it seems like the rumor mill has a new name that will be called to don the tux and order up a martini.  The latest word is that Pierce Brosnan will actually be coming back, despite saying for months that he was done with the series.  Frankly, I would have no problem with that.  I think he is still the best choice out there and his Bond films have been very good.  If they do go with a new Bond, I do have some relief in knowing that Martin Campbell will be directing it (he also did the first Brosnan Bond film) and that it is going to be a serious adaptation of Casino Royale.  Bottom line…just please give us a name soon because I don’t know how much longer I can wait.

All right, none of you probably cared to hear about that, but frankly I don’t care.  It felt good to get that off of my chest.  Hopefully, in the future I won’t need to get on my soapbox much and just stick to reminiscing about the good ol’ days of the Fed.  With that in mind, let’s get on with this gem of a show…

OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue for WWF Wrestlemania 13

Emanating from the Rosemont Horizon in Chicago, IL

Your commentators are Vince McMahon, Jim Ross, and Jerry “the King” Lawler

Four-Way Elimination Match: The Godwinns vs. The Headbangers vs. Doug Furnas and Philip LaFon vs. The New Blackjacks

So this is the state of the tag division and it’s not pretty.  For note, the New Blackjacks were Barry Windham and Bradshaw.  Seeing Bradshaw with that handlebar mustache now is just too damn funny.  As soon as the Blackjacks hit the ring all of the teams go at it and we already have chaos!  Things finally settle down and we’re left with Henry and Bradshaw in the ring.  After clotheslining Bradshaw, Henry tags Thrasher.  Bradshaw gets a pump handle slam on Thrasher and then tags Phinneas.  As Phinneas comes in, Bradshaw nails him with a punch.  Nice!  Phinneas doesn’t stay in long as he tags Mosh.  The Headbangers tease attacking each other, but decide to headbang instead.  Then, they tag LaFon in and hit him with a double-team maneuver.  We get some more tagging to make sure everyone gets a turn in the ring, but no eliminations just yet.  A double-team by the Blackjacks allow Bradshaw to suplex Furnas out of the ring.  A sign in the crowd says, “Who are these bums?”  Well put!  J.R. mentions that the winners of this match will receive a title shot tomorrow night on RAW.  The Blackjacks and Funas and LaFon begin to brawl on the floor.  The referee goes to admonish them and Bradshaw shoves him down.  The referee eliminates both teams; the Blackjacks for shoving the referee and Funas and LaFon via countout.  That was pretty cheap.  Back to the ring, where the Godwinns double-team Thrasher.  The Godwinns stay in control, which forces Thrasher to play Ricky Morton, Marilyn Manson style.  A thumb to the eye by Thrasher allows him to tag Mosh.  A clothesline by Henry sends both him and Mosh to the floor.  The Headbangers hit a couple of nice aerial moves as Henry tries to recover on the floor.  Inside, Thrasher tries a moonsault, but Henry avoids it.  Both teams tag and Phinneas cleans house, which is ironic because there’s nothing clean about Phinneas.  Phinneas goes for the Slop Drop, but Thrasher breaks it up.  All four men in there now.  Mosh is able to hit a cannonball on Phinneas and pick up the victory.  Crowd seems to like that finish.

Bottom Line: Not much to see here.  They put this on here to get as many guys on the show as possible.  The Headbangers victory would certainly have to count as an upset.  The better choice would have seemingly been Furnas and LaFon, but as long as it’s not the Godwinns, I’ll be ok with it.  ¾ *

- The Honky Tonk Man comes out to the ring and joins the announce team.  At least he didn’t get cut off by a video package like last month.  Evidently, he’s out here trying to find the next great IC champ to follow in his footsteps.

WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Rocky Maivia (champ) vs. The Sultan

The original plan was for Marc Mero to turn heel and face Rocky, but knee injuries prevented that from happening.  There seems to be quite a bit of that going on these days.  As Rocky and the Sultan staredown, Rocky tries to get the fans to rally behind him, but they aren’t very receptive.  Rocky and the Sultan slug it out with Rocky getting the better of the exchange.  A dropkick by Rocky sends the Sultan to the outside.  Rocky follows him out there and goes for a clothesline, but the Sultan ducks and Rocky hits the post.  Inside, the Sultan goes to work on Rocky, but doesn’t bother to attack Rocky’s injured arm.  The Sultan locks on a nerve hold (already?) and a mild “Rocky sucks” chant breaks out.  After hitting a flying headbutt, the Sultan opts to pose for the crowd instead of going for the pin.  When he does cover, he gets 2.  Rocky tries for a sunset flip, but the Sultan grabs him by the throat.  The Sultan hits a belly-to-belly, but a lax cover allows Rocky to kick out.  We get another resthold, which the crowd doesn’t appreciate at all.  A double clothesline sends both men to the mat.  Rocky is up and begins to Hulk up.  A belly-to-belly by Rocky gets 2.  After connecting with the floatover DDT, Rocky goes up and hits the Sultan with a high crossbody.  Rocky covers, but the referee is distracted by the Iron Sheik.  The Sultan tries to sneak attack Rocky as he was yelling at the Sheik, but it backfires.  A savant kick by the Sultan gets another nearfall.  The Sultan piledrives Rocky, but somehow Rocky kicks out again.  Rocky escapes a slam attempt and then schoolboys the Sultan for the out-of-nowhere 3 count.

Postmatch: As J.R. tries to get a word with Rocky, the Sultan jumps him from behind.  The Sultan brings Rocky back into the ring where he, the Shiek and Mr. Bob Backlund beat him up.  Rocky Johnson, Rocky’s father, comes out and fends everyone off.  As he checks on his son, Rocky is nailed from behind by the Sultan with the flag pole.  Now it’s Rocky’s turn to save his dad, as he clears the ring.

BL: Ugh, was this bad.  It was mostly punching, kicking and restholds.  Then, there was that horrid finish which had no flow and made no sense.  Worst of all, the crowd wasn’t into it at all.  They were about one resthold away from a full-on revolt.  Their attempt at a nice sentimental finish with father and son was ruined as the crowd couldn’t have cared less.  *

- Todd Pettingil talks to Ken Shamrock, who’s the referee for the Bret Hart/Steve Austin match later tonight.  Shamrock claims he will not be intimidated by either man when he gets in that ring.  Shamrock is going to need to put a little bass in that voice if he wants me to believe that statement.

- We now have Dok Hendrix chat with Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Chyna and he tries to ask HHH what his relationship with Chyna is.  Do we honestly want to know?  HHH avoids that question and then says he can have Goldust any way he wants, but tonight he’ll take him straight up.  I feel I need a shower after that interview.  Yuck!

Goldust vs. Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Goldust immediately jumps HHH with a clothesline and goes to work on him.  An inverted atomic drop and a clothesline knock HHH to the outside.  HHH is wearing these very baggy pair of tights that look very odd.  Goldust gets HHH tied up in the ropes and punches away on him.  HHH finally frees himself, but Goldust remains on the offensive.  Catching Goldust with his head down, HHH rams him into his knee.  After powerslamming HHH, Goldust goes up top, but HHH catches him and throws him down to the floor.  HHH now goes up and connects with an axe handle.  That gets 2.  Now HHH begins to give Goldust some rough turnbuckle treatment.  A neckbreaker by HHH gets 2.  HHH locks on an abdominal stretch, but as soon as he grabs the ropes, the referee makes him break the hold.  A high knee gives HHH another nearfall.  Goldust tries for a powerslam, but HHH falls on him and gets a 2 count.  HHH throws Goldust to the ropes and when he comes back, the two collide mid-ring.  HHH tries a move off the top rope, but Goldust hits him with his backside in an ugly looking spot.  Goldust avoids a charging HHH and then begins to slug away on him.  Goldust begins his comeback and nails HHH with a bulldog.  That gets 2.  As Goldust sets HHH up for the Curtain Call, Chyna heads over by Marlena.  HHH escapes the Curtain Call and tries for the Pedigree.  Goldust reverses the Pedigree and hits HHH with a slingshot.  Goldust tries for the Curtain Call again, but stops when he sees Chyna by Marlena.  Goldust grabs Marlena and brings her up to the apron.  From behind, HHH nails Goldust with a knee, which sends Marlena into Chyna’s arms.  Chyna begins swinging Marlena from side to side and Marlena looks like a doll.  An unintentionally funny spot.  Meanwhile, HHH capitalizes on the attack by hitting Goldust with the Pedigree and scoring the pin.

BL: Crowd was really into that finish. As for the match, as a whole, it would have been all right had it not slowed way down in the middle.  I could have done without another Goldust/HHH match, but the addition of Chyna not only made this match watchable, but also finally gave HHH some much needed heel heat.  **

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: Owen Hart and the British Bulldog (champs) vs. Mankind and Vader

There’s some strange stuff going on to make this a very unlikely match.  First, the only real connection Mankind and Vader have is that they are both managed by Paul Bearer.  Aside from that they have no history being a team, which makes you wonder how they become #1 contenders.  Actually, if you read Mick Foley’s book, you learn that Mankind was originally supposed to fight Vader at this show.  They decided, however, that it might be better if they teamed first, broke up and then feuded.  The feud never materialized, for whatever reason, which is a shame.  Then there’s Owen and the Bulldog.  For months now they’ve been tag champs, yet they constantly tease they are going to break up.  They are also still technically heels, but they keep getting pitted against heel opponents making them de facto faces.  Also, just for note, the Bulldog recently won the new European title and a few days ago, Owen picked up his second Slammy.  So, despite their problems, they’ve been doing pretty well for themselves lately.  To the match, Owen and Vader begin and Vader works him over in the corner.  Owen comes back, however, with a spinning heel kick.  Vader slams Owen, but misses a follow-up elbow.  Owen tries for a hurricanrana, but Vader throws him to the mat.  Vader sets Owen up for the Vader Bomb, but the Bulldog stops him.  Now all four men are in the ring.  The Bulldog hits a double clothesline on Vader and Mankind and then remains in the ring, despite never being tagged in.  The Bulldog hits a delayed suplex on Mankind and then gives Vader some of the same.  Things settle back down as the Bulldog slaps a chinlock on Mankind.  Mankind escapes and whips the Bulldog to the ropes.  Vader pulls on the top rope, causing the Bulldog to fall to the floor.  On the outside, Mankind tries to hit the Bulldog with the urn, but the Bulldog catches him with a drop toehold.  As the Bulldog attacks Mankind, Vader is able to hit the Bulldog with the urn.  Inside, a suplex by Vader gets 2.  Vader nails the Bulldog with a splash from the second rope, but the Bulldog manages to kick out again.  Mankind is tagged in and continues the assault on the Bulldog.  Vader comes back in and tries a move from the second rope, but the Bulldog catches him mid-air and slams him.  The Bulldog tags Owen, who comes in and hits Vader with a missile dropkick.  Owen goes for a sunset flip, but Vader puts on the brakes.  Vader tries to sit on Owen, but Owen gets out of harm’s way.  A high crossbody by Owen gets 2.  Vader slows Owen down with a bodyblock.  Mankind and Vader double-team Owen on the floor.  As Mankind locks Owen in a chinlock, the crowd rallies behind Owen.  A DDT by Owen stops Mankind in his tracks.  Owen goes for a splash, but Mankind gets his knees up.  Vader now begins to punch out Owen in the corner.  Mankind and Vader do a nice job of making quick tags to isolate Owen.  Owen blasts Mankind with an enziguri and finally tags the Bulldog.  The Bulldog takes it to both Mankind and Vader.  Mankind receives some rough turnbuckle treatment from the Bulldog.  As the Bulldog sets Mankind up for the powerslam, Mankind is able to lock on the Mandible Claw.  Owen and Vader come in now and Vader whips Owen right into Mankind and the Bulldog, who both fall to the floor.  Mankind continues to apply the Mandible Claw on the outside, but for too long as the referee counts both men out.

BL: A waste of four decent talents here.  The action was decent, but given the lack of buildup for the match and the heel vs. heel dichotomy, they couldn’t tell an adequate story in the ring.  Then, you give the crowd a countout finish, which isn’t going to win them over.  It was nice to see them on the show, but they could have been used in a more productive fashion.  ** ½

- A nice video package chronicles how Bret and Austin have traveled down opposite roads since they first met four months ago.  Very well done, but forget it, let’s get to the fight.

Submission Match: Bret “the Hitman” Hart vs. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin w/special guest referee Ken Shamrock

A piece of glass with the “Austin 3:16” logo breaks in front of the entrance way as Austin makes his way out.  Very cool!  Austin tackles Bret upon entry and pounds away on him.  The fight heads to the floor and Austin gets thrown into the post.  Austin comes back by crotching Bret on the guardrail and then clotheslining him into the audience.  The fight spills deep into the crowd and the cameramen can barely follow them.  Austin goes for a piledriver, but Bret reverses it into a back bodydrop.  They finally head back to ringside, where Austin whips Bret into the steps.  Austin tries to use the steps, but Bret kicks him.  In the ring, Bret hits Austin with a swinging neckbreaker.  Now, Bret begins to work over Austin’s left leg.  Bret tries to hop on Austin’s leg, but Austin pulls it out of the way.  Then, Austin hits Bret with a Stunner out of nowhere.  Austin can’t capitalize, however, as Bret goes right back to Austin’s leg.  Bret grabs Austin’s leg and puts him in a figure four leglock around the ring post.  Nice pop for that.  Austin will not submit, though.  Bret grabs a chair and puts it around Austin’s ankle.  Before Bret can do any Pillmanizing, Austin gets the chair off and cracks Bret with it.  Austin hits him again and really begins to work over Bret’s back.  Austin puts Bret in an armbar submission, but Bret refuses to give up.  A Boston Crab is now applied by Austin, but Bret grabs the bottom rope.  Austin tries to get Bret in the Sharpshooter, but Bret thumbs him in the eye.  Austin sidesteps a charging Bret and throws him to the outside.  After following Bret outside, Austin is whipped into the timekeeper’s table and has been busted open.  Bret takes Austin back inside and pounds away on his head.  Now Bret grabs a chair and repeatedly hits Austin’s injured leg.  Bret goes for the Sharpshooter, but now he gets thumbed.  As Bret pounds away on Austin in the corner, Austin retaliates with a lowblow.  Austin whips Bret HARD into the corner and then does some mud stomping.  A suplex from the second rope puts Austin in control.  Austin goes outside, grabs an extension cord and begins to choke Bret out.  Bret, however, grabs the ring bell and clocks Austin in the head.  Inside, Bret locks on the Sharpshooter and Austin gives us that great visual of screaming in pain with his crimson mask.  Somehow, Austin powers out of it.  Bret immediately puts it right back on.  The pain is too much and Austin passes out.  Shamrock has no option but to call for the bell and award the match to Bret.

Postmatch: After briefly celebrating, Bret goes back and continues attacking Austin’s leg.  Shamrock, then, takes Bret down with a waistlock, which draws a big pop.  Bret then leaves to a chorus of boos.  Meanwhile, another referee comes down to try and help Austin, but Austin just stunners him.  He then leaves to a hearty “Austin” chant.

BL: Awesome, awesome, awesome!  These two put out one hell of a fight that finely blended brawling and psychology.  This match also finally gave the crowd something to get excited about and they responded in kind.  Not only was this a fantastic match, but it was also historically significant as both men turned as a result of it.  Simply an incredible match and one of my personal favorites.  *****

- Todd talks with the Nation about their upcoming match.  As Farooq is talking, I can’t help but think that they don’t come any blacker than Farooq and they don’t come any whiter than Todd.  I half expected “Ebony and Ivory” to start playing.

Chicago Street Fight: Ahmed Johnson and the Legion of Doom vs. The Nation of Domination

Ahmed, tired of being outnumbered, decided to find some backup.  He found it in the form of the returning Legion of Doom who, coincidentally, were probably living on the Chicago streets when they were brought back.  As the faces come out, we see they have brought the kitchen sink with them.  Oh, the hilarity!  All six men go at it right away, but soon the faces clear the Nation out of the ring.  Now everyone has spread out and action is happening all around ringside.  Ahmed dives over the guardrail and hits Crush with a somersault plancha in the audience.  Animal gives Farooq a couple of shots with the garbage can.  Hawk tries to hit Savio with a 2x4, but misses.  Animal hits Farooq with an ugly piledriver on the French announcers’ table, which doesn’t break.  This is complete chaos.  Hawk puts a trash can on Savio’s head and clotheslines him.  Ahmed and Farooq exchange shots with a garbage can.  Now, Ahmed powerslams Farooq through the French announcers’ table.  Savio is handed a rope and puts the noose around Ahmed’s neck.  Two Nation members begin to pull the rope from the outside to choke Ahmed out.  Hawk ducks a double clothesline and then clotheslines both Farooq and Savio.  Animal nails Farooq with a big road sign.  Farooq puts the noose around Hawk’s neck, but then Hawk tugs on the rope and pulls Farooq to the floor.  Now, Ahmed gets the noose around Farooq’s neck.  As Ahmed hits Farooq with a spinebuster, Hawk clears out some Nation members with a fire extinguisher.  The Legion of Doom are able to hit Crush with the Doomsday Device.  Then, after Ahmed and Animal hit Crush with the 2x4, Animal pins him and ends this mess.

Postmatch: The Nation continue to try and attack, but the faces clean house and finish things off with a double Doomsday Device on the two white rappers.  OK, I’ll admit, that was cool.

BL: Man, what a trainwreck that was.  I find it interesting that in this “street fight” there wasn’t a drop of blood shed, yet Austin poured buckets in a “submission match”.  This was very difficult to follow and my recap probably shows it.  This was twice as dangerous, as you had a bunch of sloppy workers brawling and using weapons.  It’s a wonder any of them escaped with their lives.  I was hoping for closure, but it seems as if this is far from over.  * ¾

- Shawn Michaels comes on out for commentary and seems to be having no problem walking on that “injured” knee.  I’m sure it’s just my imagination, though.

- Sid is interviewed by Todd and he says that he’s not scared of the Undertaker.  Really Sid?  I would be.  I mean, not for the spooky music and lights, but for the fact that Taker never jobs at Wrestlemania.  Then again, maybe the squirrels haven’t mentioned that bit of information to him yet. 

WWF Championship Match: Sid (champ) vs. The Undertaker

No video package for this match because of one of two reasons, 1) there was no buildup to this match because it was at least their third choice for Wrestlemania main event or 2) Shawn took up so much time mugging for the camera and the crowd that there simply wasn’t enough time for the video package.  It should be noted that Taker is wearing the outfit that he wore when he originally entered the WWF.  As Sid and Taker stare each other down, Bret Hart comes down.  Bret grabs a mic and runs down Shawn and Taker.  He then talks trash about Sid, but Sid stops him with a punch.  Sid then powerbombs Bret, as Shawn laughs.  Sid gets on the mic and tells Bret to get lost, which allows Taker to attack him from behind.  A very interesting beginning to a Wrestlemania main event.  Taker attacks Sid from pillar to post to begin.  A powerslam by Taker gets 2.  Taker connects with the ropewalk.  As Taker charges at Sid, he is caught and locked in a bearhug.  Sid switches between the bearhug and pounding on Taker’s back to wear him down.  Taker escapes, but Sid shoves Taker out of the ring.  However, Taker lands on his feet.  Taker tries to pull Sid out, but Sid shoves him off and Taker falls over the Spanish announcers’ table in a nasty looking bump.  Now, Sid throws Taker onto the guardrail and then the Spanish announcers’ table.  In the ring, the two exchange kicks.  We begin resthold theater as Sid locks on a reverse chinlock.  Taker tries to comeback, but Sid stops him again with a powerslam.  A legdrop by Sid gets 2.  Sid whips Taker, but Taker comes back with a big clothesline.  The fight spills to the floor where they slug it out.  Back inside, Taker misses an elbow and Sid goes back to the chinlock.  Taker comes back with a series of punches and a powerslam.  Now Taker plays his role in resthold theater by applying a nervehold.  Sid escapes, but can’t go on offense.  Both men hit the other with a big boot and both go down.  Sid goes to the second rope and connects with a double axe handle.  Trying the axe handle again fails for Sid as Taker hits him on his way down.  Sid slams Taker and again goes up top.  This time, Taker does the zombie sit-up and hits Sid.  He then slams Sid off the top turnbuckle.  Taker now goes up and hits a big clothesline.  That gets 2.  Taker gets Sid up for the tombstone, but Sid reverses it and plants Taker with a tombstone.  Sid covers, but Taker kicks out.  The fight goes back outside and as the two brawl, Bret Hart reemerges and nails Sid in the back with a chair.  The Usual Bunch of Idiots escort Bret back out as Taker rams Sid’s back into the ring post.  Back inside, Taker hits Sid with a chokeslam and gets a nearfall.  Taker goes for a clothesline, but Sid ducks out of the way.  As Sid sets Taker up for the powerbomb, Bret comes out AGAIN and brawls with Sid on the apron.  Bret drops Sid across the top rope, which allows Taker to grab him and nail him with the tombstone.  Taker covers and gets the 3 count to become the new champion.  Crowd pops big for the victory after being quiet most of the match.

BL: A pretty awful Wrestlemania main event.  I guess I shouldn’t have expected much, but this was really boring.  One thing that surprised me was how much Sid dominated the match.  A well deserved title run for Taker after suffering through so many lame fueds.  It’s just a shame that it couldn’t have come in a more significant match.  * ½

Final Thoughts: The WWF was going through some tough times at this point and it showed here.  This is definitely in the bottom 3 of Wrestlemanias.  Part of the problem was backstage politics, which led to the sloppily thrown together card (as well as a new WWF Champ for each PPV thus far in ’97).  The other half was just a lack of entertaining talent.  This is a one match show, but what a match.  Don’t bother with this show, but find a way to watch the Submission match if you’ve never seen it.

Next time, the new champ helps Paul Bearer burn away some of those extra pounds.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.