I think that’s Matt Hardy and Lita.” Sure enough, they turn around and confirm my suspicions. There standing just a few feet from me are Version 1 and the woman that supposedly broke his heart and ruined his chances of ever having children. Before I had the opportunity to approach them, they went into the mall connected to the restaurant and we were seated. When we left I tried looking for them again, but never saw them. I don’t know if they’ve “patched things up” or if we’ve been worked this entire time. Regardless, it was very exciting to have a celebrity (of sorts) sighting within my first few days here in Raleigh.

Oh and one other thing before we start. In case anyone is interested, there were actually two decent extras on the Great American Bash DVD that just came out. One is a funny bWo skit where they spoof that American Choppers show. The other is a Ric Flair vs. Sting match from the 1990 Great American Bash. If either of those interest you, you may want to check out the disc. Because lord knows most of you won’t actually check it out for the actual action from the show.

Emanating from the San Jose Arena in San Jose, CA

Your commentators are Jim Ross and Jerry “the King” Lawler

- As we kick things off, we get a shot of Mike Tyson sitting in a press box watching tonight’s events and it draws a chorus of boos. Is that anyway to treat a distinguished guest?

This all stems back to last November when Goldust began his heel turn by being a less than stellar teammate on Vader’s Team USA at the Survivor Series. From there Goldust got really weird, brought on Luna Vachon as a manager and has assaulted Vader on a number of occasions. Goldust jumps Vader as he enters the ring to begin. Vader quickly recovers and splashes Goldust in the corner. That forces Goldust to bail to the floor. Following him out there, Vader knocks Goldust into Luna. Vader then weakly throws Goldust into the steps. In the ring, Goldust begs for mercy, but gets none. Luna grabs Vader’s leg as he was going off the ropes, which allows Goldust to clothesline him. Now it’s Goldust who throws Vader into the steps. Luna attacks Vader as Goldust distracts the referee. Back inside, Goldust does a 10-punch count and then finishes it off with a kiss. That doesn’t sit well with Vader who charges out of the corner with a clothesline. Goldust tries to slam Vader, but is unsuccessful. After suplexing Goldust, Vader connects with a big splash and gets 2. Vader goes up for the Vader Bomb, but Goldust gets up and lowblows him. Goldust goes for a sunset flip, however Vader just sits on him. Vader tries for the Vader Bomb again, but Luna comes in and hops on his back. Undeterred Vader still does the move with Luna still hanging on. That is easily enough to score the 3 count.

Bottom Line: Nothing wrong with the action, but they never gave it any time to develop. It was a good news/bad news match for Vader. The good news is that this crowd was really behind him here. The bad news is that he was no-selling virtually everything in there tonight, which is never good. Finally, I’d like to take a moment to talk about that finish. The ending had a very cool visual and made the match a little bit more memorable. Say what you will about Vince Russo, but the one thing I always liked about his era is that almost all PPV matches had something unique or memorable about them. You just don’t see that in most PPVs anymore and I wish that would happen again. I think buyrates would see an improvement if they did. OK, rant over. * ¾

- We cut to the back for Michael Cole’s announcement that “Stone Cold” Steve Austin has just arrived at the arena. Whew, I was just about to ask Hacksaw Jim Duggan to start looking for him. Meanwhile, the Godwinns approach Cole and ask him where Austin is. Cole pees his pants and claims he doesn’t know. This clearly shows Austin is a “marked man”; a phrase that will be used ad nauseum tonight.

Sunny is the guest referee because the live crowd can’t properly ogle her when she’s in the back doing Superstar Line plugs. Nova and Tarantula begin the match flopping each other around. A dropkick by Nova sends Tarantula to the floor. Now Max and Battallion do a sequence. Then Torito and Mosaic get their turn. There’s absolutely no flow here as everyone comes in as they please. No surprise here as the majority of the faces’ offense comes in the form of armdrags. We cut to a split screen showing Tyson enjoying the action. If we could hear his thought at that moment, I’m sure it would be something like, “Man, I could eat one of those kids for lunch.” Max comes back in and gets punted in the head. Natch. After a brief face-in-peril stint for Max, he makes a comeback that involves Sunny picking him up and having him kick each of the heels. We now do the sequence where each guy does a high risk move onto everyone on the floor. Sadly, that’s probably the highlight of the match. Back inside, Max hits a top rope hurricanrana and then cradles Torito for the win.

Postmatch: Sunny wipes her brow, as clearly wandering around the ring aimlessly is tiring work.

BL: Bleh! It’s official…the minis have worn out their welcome. The standard tag match a few months ago had flow problems and adding two more guys here just made it worse. It seemed this match was here simply for Lawler to use the rest of his short jokes. Max needed to be in the match more since he was the only identifiable one to the WWF crowd. ½ * for one decent kick to Max’s head.

- In the back we see the Nation of Domination storm Austin’s lockerroom to take him out. However, when they enter, all they find is a foam middle finger. Oh, the hilarity!

- We get some clips to set up tonight’s Intercontinental title match. It consists of Shamrock going through each member of the Nation. This culminates in a tag match where Shamrock was going to put the ankle lock on The Rock, but his partner, Mark Henry turned on him and joined the Nation. Clearly, this isn’t the Nation’s best acquisition, as the only thing Henry will dominate is the buffet at Golden Corral.

Shamrock fought for the WWF title last month and is now fighting for the Intercontinental title. Now there’s a demotion you don’t see everyday. Meanwhile, The Rock is Intercontinental Champion because he was awarded it by Vince McMahon after Austin refused to wrestle him. The Rock does a lot of stalling to begin. After catching The Rock with a stiff kick, Shamrock knocks The Rock to the outside with a right hand. The Rock tries to slow Shamrock down with a series of punches and kicks. Shamrock goes for a hurricanrana, but The Rock turns it into a modified hot shot. The Rock puts the boots to Shamrock in the corner. A crossbody gets 2 for Shamrock. Shamrock hits a fisherman’s suplex for another nearfall. The Rock takes Shamrock to the outside and rams his head into the steps. Back inside, The Rock connects with the float-over DDT for a nearfall. A headlock by The Rock slows down an already sluggish match. The Rock goes for the DDT again, but this time it’s countered by Shamrock. A powerslam by Shamrock gets 2. As Shamrock hits a hurricanrana, a couple of Nation members run down to ringside. Shamrock eliminates the distraction, however as he turns around, The Rock nails him with brass knuckles. The Rock puts the knucks in Shamrock’s tights and covers, but Shamrock somehow kicks out at 2. Shamrock nails The Rock with a belly-to-belly suplex and scores the pinfall. New champion!

Postmatch: The Rock complains to the referee that Shamrock hit him with the brass knuckles. The referee checks Shamrock’s trunks, finds the knucks and reverses his decision to give The Rock the DQ win. Whatever happened to “you can’t call what you can’t see”? Shamrock, of course, attacks the referee after that decision.

BL: Without the finish, this would have been a total bore. A whole lot of punching and kicking without a whole lot more. I don’t like the finish for its Dusty-ness. But I like it in the sense that it continued to add on the heel heat for The Rock, which is good since the crowd wasn’t fully behind Shamrock here. * ¾

- It’s now Los Boricuas’ turn to jump Austin, but wouldn’t you know it they accidentally beat up Skull or 8-Ball from the Disciples of Apocalypse instead. This leads to these groups brawling with each other yet AGAIN. You know if this feud had culminated in a shoot street fight with real knives and someone killing another guy with a trident, I might have actually tolerated this never-ending feud.

- The video package for the tag title match tells a story about how the Legion of Doom is old, worthless and past their prime, while the New Age Outlaws are the hip, up-and-comers. Whoops, I got that wrong. The story is that LOD are the tough, never-give-up legends and the Outlaws are evil scum for trying to attack them. I say tomato, you say tomahto.

Road Dogg’s hair has managed to go from a buzz cut last month to long dreds this month. What’s his shampoo? Miracle Grow? The Outlaws jump LOD before the bell, but they quickly turn things around in their favor. The Outlaws try to make an early exit, but LOD stop them in the aisle. Back inside, LOD begin to isolate Road Dogg. A thumb to Hawk’s eye allows Road Dogg to tag. Now it’s Badd Ass’ turn to get manhandled. Road Dogg trips Animal as he was coming off the ropes and then Badd Ass clotheslines him to the outside. On the floor, Road Dogg whips Animal into the steps. Things then fall apart quickly as no one seems sure what to do next. Hawk charges at Road Dogg, but ends up ramming his shoulder into the post. Then Road Dogg grabs a pair of handcuffs and chains Hawk to the ringpost. With Hawk detained, the Outlaws try to double-team Animal, but he gets the better of them. Animal catches Bad Ass coming off the top rope and weakly powerslams him. As Animal covers, Road Dogg comes in and hits him with a chair to draw the DQ.

Postmatch: The Outlaws continue to attack Animal until Hawk magically breaks the handcuffs and makes the save.

BL: This was a complete mess. For most of the match, everyone seemed completely lost as to what was going on. Then you had that eye-rolling finish that helped nobody. And I really question why they continued to protect LOD so much. Despite being way beyond their usefulness, they were still being booked as unstoppable. It just seemed odd that they would be portrayed that way when it seemed like the WWF had no intention of giving them the titles back. DUD

- J.R. quickly mentions that the winner of the Austin 3:16 truck is a woman named Mildred from Tennessee. Who under the age of 30 is named Mildred? And if she’s not under the age of 30, what is she doing entering contests for a pro wrestler’s customized truck. By the way, do you think there is any chance she still has this thing?

- They now promote the story of Austin being a “marked man”, (Yeah, I got it already) and everyone gunning for him in this Rumble. This is all wrestlespeak for “there’s no one else even remotely close to winning this thing, so let’s focus the entire storyline around the guy who will win it”.

#1 is Cactus Jack and he’s brought garbage cans with him. Interestingly enough, Cactus’ recent tag team partner Chainsaw Charlie (aka Terry Funk) is #2 and he has his chainsaw with him. We get a hardcore start to the Rumble as they use the weapons they brought plus chairs. Both men take some wicked chair shots to the head. Tom Brandi (the former Salvatore Sincere) is #3, but both guys in the ring gang up on him and eliminate him right away. Arrivederci! Now the hardcore legends go back to beating each other up. After suplexing Chainsaw onto two chairs, Cactus tries to dump him, but pulls him back in as #4, The Rock makes him way to the ring. The Rock is able to divide and conquer until Cactus nails him with the garbage can. Cactus then puts the can on The Rock and he and Chainsaw play pinball with him. After Cactus knocks The Rock through the ropes, he celebrates, only to get a lowblow from Chainsaw. Mosh comes out at #5 and almost gets nailed with a chair that was thrown out of the ring by Chainsaw. We’ve now separated into Cactus/The Rock and Chainsaw/Mosh. Chainsaw goes for a moonsault, but doesn’t quite hit it. #6 is Phinneas and you can hear the energy just leave the crowd upon his entry. Cactus tries to suplex Mosh out of the ring, but can’t get him up. 8-Ball is out next at #7 and you wonder why they just didn’t have him come out one number later. Cactus charges at Chainsaw, but Chainsaw ducks and Cactus eliminates himself. A disappointingly early night for Mick Foley. The Rock comes close to eliminating Chainsaw, but he holds on. Blackjack Bradshaw is #8, as the streak of suck continues. Everyone is just wandering around doing nothing interesting at all. #9 is Owen Hart, who comes out to a big pop. However, before he can get into the ring, Jeff Jarrett and Jim Cornette come out and put a severe beatdown to Owen. It now appears that Owen won’t compete in the Rumble match. Steve Blackman is #10 and he comes in and almost knocks Chainsaw out with his karate kicks. Phinneas is almost eliminated by Blackman, but The Rock makes the save.

Nation member #2 and entrant #11 is D’Lo Brown. Our pairings now are Blackman/The Rock, Phinneas/Mosh, Chainsaw/8-Ball and Bradshaw/D’Lo. Unfortunately, no one is close to being eliminated. Stables apparently mean nothing as The Rock and D’Lo begin to go at it. #12 is Kurrgan, who immediately goes into no-selling mode. Mosh tries mounting Kurrgan in the corner, but Kurrgan dumps him out. Out to a big pop is #13 Marc Mero. Oh sorry, that pop was for Sable. The ring is filled with a lot of worthless talent right now. Kurrgan helps the problem by tossing out Blackman. Ken Shamrock comes out at #14 and goes right after Kurrgan. Soon, everyone joins him and they collectively dump Kurrgan out. The Rock hits the People’s Elbow on Chainsaw with little fanfare. #15 is Thrasher as I continue to wait for someone decent to arrive. The crowd must agree as they resigned themselves to a “Sable” chant. We get our first surprise of the night as Mick Foley is back as Mankind at #16. He goes right after Chainsaw and eliminates him to return the favor from earlier tonight. The Rock and Shamrock resume their fight in one of the corners. #17 is The Artist Formerly Known as Goldust, who’s in a new outfit that now includes bra and panties. Mero takes a breather to do some shadow boxing. Let’s hope it pays off. Goldust and Mankind tangle in the corner and Goldust manages to get him over the top rope and to the floor. Making his second (sort of) appearance tonight is Jeff Jarrett at #18. Owen runs out shortly after Jarrett gets into the ring and immediately attacks him. Jarrett manages to throw Owen over, but he skins the cat and then eliminates Jarrett on the other side of the ring. Huge pop for that. Our second surprise comes in the form of the Honky Tonk Man, who is #19. Coming down with him is HHH (on crutches from an injury I don’t recall) and Chyna. The Rock continues to do well as he dumps Shamrock to the floor. Owen spots HHH at ringside and gives him an unkind gesture. This prompts HHH to crack him with his crutch as Chyna yanks him out. Geez, everyone’s picking on Owen tonight. Owen chases HHH to the back and trips at the entrance way. Hope he didn’t injure himself there. Speaking of injuries, it’s Mr. Glass himself, Ahmed Johnson at #20. Ahmed gingerly climbs into the ring as J.R. tries convincing us that he’s back to 100%.

Here comes Mark Henry, who is entrant #21 and Nation member #3. J.R. now begins to sound like Tobias Funke when describing Henry attacking Ahmed by saying he’s “handling the big Johnson”. This ring is getting majorly bloated right now as the crowd is getting restless. Henry throws powder in Ahmed’s face, for some reason, but it doesn’t lead to an elimination. The buzzer sounds and #22 is…is…nobody. Lawler is convinced that someone got to Austin and this was supposed to be his number. Now D’Lo and Henry team up to toss out Ahmed. Then, Henry ducks a punch by Phinneas and heaves him out. Ahmed and Phinneas brawl to the back, much to my bewilderment. #23 is our fourth Nation member, Kama Mustafa. I would say strength in numbers, but these guys have been beating each other up as much as they have their opponents. Sure enough, there goes Kama and D’Lo duking it out. CRASH! Here comes Stone Cold out at #24. Everyone in the ring stops and looks toward the aisle, but Austin enters through the crowd and blindsides Mero. He quickly dispatches of him. Now everyone realizes he’s in the ring and they try ganging up on him. Austin fight out of it and tosses out 8-Ball. Things settle back down, as Austin chokes D’Lo with his vest. Running out at #25 is Henry Godwinn, who goes right for Austin. #26 is evidently all of Los Boricuas. Actually, it’s just Savio, but his three stablemates join him in the ring to attack Austin. Austin manages to fend all of them off. The fifth and final Nation member, Farooq is entrant #27. He comes in and goes right after The Rock. All is not well amongst the black caucus. Now Austin and The Rock are brawling on the floor, however neither is eliminated. Pulling a three-peat, Mick Foley is back out again, this time as Dude Love at #28. He makes an immediate impact by knocking out Bradshaw, who was trying to eliminate Henry Godwinn at the time. As things wind down, Chainz strolls out as #29. D’Lo is whipped into Farooq, who backdrops him out of the ring. We remain in punch and kick mode, despite there only being one entrant left. That entrant comes out and it’s none other than Vader. He first attacks Goldust, but then takes a moment to eliminate Honky. Let the mass exodus begin! Austin dumps Thrasher and Kama in rapid succession. Shortly after that, Austin knocks out Savio, while Goldust clotheslines Vader out of the ring. Dude Love ducks a charging Henry Godwinn, who eliminates himself. Chainz grabs Goldust and heaves him out of the ring. Austin backdrops a charging Chainz to get rid of him. Farooq manages to get Henry over the top rope, but he hangs onto the apron. However, as Henry tries to get back into the ring, Farooq knocks him to the floor. Isn’t it amazing how all those guys held strong for so long and then just like that, they were all eliminated in a matter of seconds.

All joking aside, we’re now left with a Final Four of Farooq, The Rock, Dude Love and Austin. Former tag champs vs. current faction members. Dude takes on Farooq, while Austin and The Rock go at it. Now they switch and Dude hits Sweet Shin Music and a double-arm DDT on The Rock. Austin shows why he is the Texas Rattlesnake by then attacking Dude. Dude comes back, however with the Mandible Claw. Austin breaks it by going low. That allows Farooq to then clothesline Dude out of the ring. Farooq goes after Austin and The Rock decides to let him do all of the work. As Farooq gets close to eliminating Austin, The Rock comes up and dumps Farooq. We’re down to two and they begin to slug it out. Austin tosses The Rock over, but he hangs onto the apron. The Rock comes back in, only to receive a Stunner for his troubles. Austin takes the woozy Nation member and eliminates him for good to win his second Rumble in as many years.

BL: This Rumble was bookended nicely with a pair of entertaining segments. However, the middle was just dreadful. Way too many guys stayed in well past their welcome and it was tough to make the match compelling. As I said before the match, they only told one story leading up to the match and as a result, it took a lot of drama away from the Rumble. There were a few nice surprises, but a lack of star power really hurt this one. *** ¼

- As Austin celebrates, Cole interviews Mike Tyson, who gives us this gem: “Cold Stone, he’s my man” (Uh Mike, the name’s Stone Cold). Then in talking about the upcoming main event, he delivers the line: “Shawn Michaels is a young, up-and-coming, hungry tiger”. (Three months later, Shawn would retire with a crippling back injury)

- The video package for the main event not only told the history of Shawn Michaels and the Undertaker, but also how Taker and Kane have buried the hatchet and become allies. It’s two stories for the price of one. Now that’s economical!

Shawn’s speed allows him to gain a quick advantage. Coming off the second rope, Shawn goes for a flying bodypress, but Taker grabs him by the throat. Taker tries to press slam Shawn into the casket, but he escapes. Shawn charges at Taker, but gets backdropped out of the ring. As he flew out, Shawn’s lower back hit the edge of the casket. On the floor, Taker slams Shawn and then boots him into the casket. Shawn quickly climbs back out of the casket and begins to flee. In the ring, Taker continues to dominate. Shawn’s back appears to be in some serious pain right now. Taker goes for the ropewalk and hits it. Shawn tries a move from the top, but Taker catches him with a slam. Taker rolls Shawn into the casket, but Shawn prevents the lid from being closed. As Taker leans in the casket, Shawn throws powder in his face. With Taker temporarily blinded, Shawn gains a brief advantage. Taker tries to chokeslam Shawn, but Shawn grabs onto the ropes. Shawn then comes off the ropes and hits Taker with a moonsault. The fight heads back to the floor with Taker in control until Shawn whips him into the steps. After using the steps on Taker, Shawn takes him and piledrives him on the bottom part of the steps. Now HHH gets some free shots in on Taker with his crutch. Shawn rolls Taker into the casket, but Taker fights back before Shawn can even try to close the lid. In the ring, Shawn catches Taker with his head down and hits him with a swinging neckbreaker. A sleeper is applied by Shawn. Taker goes down, but then gets up and slams his way out of it. Shawn connects with the flying forearm and then kips up. After connecting with the big elbow, Shawn tunes up the band. Taker gets up, but Shawn still hits Sweet Chin Music. Shawn puts Taker into the casket and then straddles it. As Shawn gives Taker a crotch chop, Taker gets up and gives Shawn a crotch grab. Taker comes back into the ring and goes to work on Shawn. Going for a big clothesline, Taker misses and falls into the casket. Shawn then goes up top and leaps into the casket. The referees close the lid with both men inside. Shawn tries to escape, but Taker drags him back in. Back in the ring, Taker connects with the chokeslam. Then from the apron, Taker tombstones Shawn into the casket. Wow! As Taker gets out, the New Age Outlaws and Los Boricuas come out of nowhere and attack him. The lights go out and here comes Kane. Kane clears the ring of everyone as HHH and Chyna help Shawn out of the casket. Kane begins to light the posts, but then he stops and punches Taker. I so did not see that coming. The assault continues, culminating in Kane chokeslamming Taker into the casket. Shawn closes the lid and wins it to retain the title.

Postmatch: Kane and Paul Bearer padlock the casket, roll it to the entrance way, douse it in gasoline and then light it on fire. We end show with J.R. screaming, “The casket’s of fire. By gawd, the casket’s on fire.”

BL: This is probably the best casket match ever, but it’s far from a good match. I have to give Shawn a lot of credit as he continued to do big bumps despite having back problems. Once again, the finish was completely predictable and as a result, the fans sat on their hands waiting for said finish. The burning casket was a neat visual to end the show, however. ***

Final Thoughts: Absolutely nothing to recommend here. The top two matches were so predictable that they became anticlimactic. On top of that, you had a rather lackluster undercard. Only big Austin fans will have an interest in this show. Everyone else can give it a pass.

Next time, we get the first televised example of Steve Austin’s abuse towards women.