I got nothing this week folks, let’s just get right into the show… 
 

Emanating from the Pyramid in Memphis, TN

Your commentators are Michael Cole (still) and Jerry “the King” Lawler 

- I should point out that the opening video package is one of my favorites as it replays the Austin/McMahon feud in black and white with “My Sweet Valentine” playing and then transitions into Austin’s guarantees for his match tonight.  Really awesome stuff.

Opening Match: Goldust vs. Bluedust

Somehow this all came about after Goldust stole Head from Al Snow.  In retaliation, his fellow Job Squad member, the Blue Meanie, stole it back.  Meanie, then, received Shattered Dreams for his efforts.  Now Meanie has been trying to play mind games with Goldust by creating the persona of Bluedust.  Pretty funny stuff, if you ask me.  Goldust attacks Bluedust right away and delivers a spinebuster on him.  Bluedust is knocked out of the ring by an uppercut from Goldust.  On the outside, Bluedust gyrates for the crowd.  Goldust doesn’t want to wait for him to get back into the ring, so he attacks Bluedust in the aisle.  Back inside, Bluedust begins to work on Goldust’s left leg.  Goldust gives Bluedust a wedgie and a spanking.  Hard to tell whether Bluedust enjoyed it or not.  Goldust gets Bluedust up for Shattered Dreams, but Bluedust frees himself and boots Goldust, as he ran in.  Bluedust goes for the Meaniesault, but whiffs.  Somehow, Goldust is able to hoist up Bluedust and give him the Curtain Call.  That easily gives him the 1, 2, 3.

Postmatch: Goldust now delivers Shattered Dreams to Bluedus

Bottom Line: This was a comedy match, but one that is actually funny.  Meanie always knows how to work a crowd and Goldust surprisingly worked as the straight man.  This was too short to warrant a good rating, but it did do a good job of getting the crowd into the show.  *

WWF Hardcore Championship Match: Al Snow vs. Bob Holly

The title was vacated after Road Dogg was injured and somehow these two guys were chosen to be the top contenders for the title.  Holly gets jumped as soon as he enters the ring and we’re underway.  The fight quickly heads outside where Snow nails Holly with a chair.  The two head through the crowd and Holly takes control as he blasts Snow with a fire extinguisher and then cracks a glass jar over his head.  Both men fight through the arena and end up outside.  Snow breaks a handful of conveniently placed broomsticks over Holly’s back.  That gets 2.  Holly throws Snow into a street sign.  Then Holly picks it up by the post and nails Snow in the back with it a couple of times.  He gets a nearfall out of that.  Snow rams Holly into a fence and then chokes him with some barbed wire from the top of it.  Now they have managed to fight all the way down to the bank of the Mississippi!  Snow tosses Holly into the river and then dives in after him.  Mind you, this is at night in the middle of February!  They’re back out now and Holly cracks a log over Snow’s back and part of it flies into the camera.  Holly gets a nearfall from that.  After a bit more brawling, Holly wraps Snow up in some fencing and covers him for 3.  New Hardcore Champion!

BL: Another fun match here.  This was really the beginning of the hardcore division, as we know it; the random weapons, the exploration of the arena, the nonsensical obedient following your opponent, etc.  This one had some decent spots including the rumble in the river, but it kinda lost steam in the closing minutes.  ** ½

- Courtesy of WWF.com, we see the Undertaker giving his Ministry of Darkness a pep talk.  I’m sure they were trying to convey a sense of darkness and eeriness to this meeting.  But having a bunch of guys stand outside around a fire from a garbage can made it look like they were a bunch of hobos.

Mideon vs. The Big Bossman

Oh god, who’s bright idea was this match?  This would be the beginning of the riveting Ministry vs. Corporation feud.  Let it be known that both men are heels.  Mideon is the former Phinneas Godwinn, for those who didn’t know.  I think I’m gonna need some booze for this one…hold on…ahhhh, ok that’s better.  Cole proves his commentating experience by claiming “this should be a good one.”  A shoulderblock by the Bossman knocks Mideon down.  Mideon works over the Bossman in the corner until the Bossman gives him a lowblow.  To the outside they go, where the Bossman tries to use a chair, but hits the post instead of Mideon.  Then Mideon bites the Bossman’s fingers.  A “Bossman sucks” chant breaks out and I think it’s unfair of the crowd to single him out.  Back inside, Mideon does some more biting.  The Bossman splashes Mideon in the corner to go back in control.  Now the crowd starts a “boring” chant and that’s more like it.  A back suplex by Mideon gets 2.  The Bossman tries for a piledriver, but Mideon reverses it into a backdrop.  A double clothesline sets both men down.  The Bossman catches Mideon coming off the ropes and delivers the Bossman slam.  Thankfully that marks the end of this abomination.

Postmatch: The entire Ministry of Darkness attack the Bossman and then carry him to the back.

BL: A brainfart of epic proportions here.  I would complain if either of these guys were on the PPV and they had to go and put both of them on and in the same match no less.  Nothing redeeming here as they just kinda fumbled around until one man laid down for 3 seconds.  ½ *

- D’Lo Brown and Mark Henry chat with Kevin Kelly about their upcoming match.  I’d report what they said, but I was too disturbed by the sight of Ivory enjoying being caressed by Mark Henry to hear what was said.  Allowing yourself to be groped by that waste of humanity is the mark of a true company woman.

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett (champs) vs. D’Lo Brown and Mark Henry

Henry present Ivory some chocolates for Valentine’s Day.  Puh-leeze.  Henry does some trash talking, so Owen slaps him.  This angers the big man, who traps Owen in a corner.  Henry clotheslines Owen and then tags D’Lo.  Owen backdrops D’Lo and then he tags Jarrett.  A powerslam by D’Lo gets a 2 count.  Debra gets on the apron and blows a kiss at Henry, but D’Lo focuses Henry’s attention back to Ivory.  Owen tries to hit D’Lo from the apron, but D’Lo sees it.  However, it’s enough of a distraction for Jarrett to attack D’Lo with an armbar takedown.  As Jarrett and Owen double-team D’Lo, the crowd begins a “nugget” chant.  Owen nails D’Lo with an enziguri and gets 2.  A blind tag by Owen allows him to hit D’Lo with a spinning heel kick.  D’Lo connects with a crossbody and gets a nearfall out of it.  Owen goes for a 10-punch count in the corner, but D’Lo halts his momentum with a Sky High powerbomb.  Both men tag out and Henry comes in to clean house.  Henry throws Owen and Jarrett to the corner and tries for a splash, but misses both of them.  However, D’Lo hits both of them with dropkicks.  D’Lo catches Jarrett with a spinebuster and covers, but Owen breaks up the pin.  After delivering a legdrop to Owen, D’Lo goes up top.  However, Debra comes over to distract D’Lo.  This draws Ivory over and the ladies get into an argument.  As D’Lo tries to separate them, Jarrett nails Henry in the knee with his guitar.  Guitar parts are all over the ring, but the referee thinks nothing of it.  Jarrett slaps the figure four leglock on Henry and he quickly submits.

Postmatch: Ivory begins to rip off Debra’s jacket and the men have to separate the ladies.

BL: Matches should not be established so that the valets have an opportunity to catfight.  It puts no heat on the actual workers in the ring.  Along with that, D’Lo and Henry just weren’t over enough as faces to make them solid adversaries to Owen and Jarrett.  Beyond the booking problems, there were also flow problems, as no one seemed to be in synch.  I liked Owen and Jarrett as a team.  It’s a shame that they never had decent competition.

- Kevin Kelly asks Mankind if he’ll be ready for his match tonight, given the attack he received from The Rock on HeAT.  He says he’ll be ready to go, but now he must prepare, so that he can become a “very ugly man”.  Oh don’t worry, it can’t be any uglier than the goatee that Kelly is sporting.

WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Ken Shamrock (champ) vs. Val Venis w/special guest referee Billy Gunn

This is a result of Val having Shamrock’s sister, Ryan, in his latest movie.  Shamrock is fighting to protect her, but she claims to love him.  Gunn is the referee here because he’s in the IC title hunt and the bookers were wise not to inflict us with the pain of having him wrestle.  Gunn is the first referee, but sadly not the last, to wear banana shorts to do his job.  Ryan Shamrock accompanies Val to ringside.  Shamrock charges into the ring, but it’s Val who gains the early advantage.  Val gives Shamrock some rough turnbuckle treatment.  Now Shamrock begins to lay some kicks in on Val.  Verbal gaffe #1: As Shamrock and Gunn argue, we can accidentally hear Billy say, “Hey, I’m wearing stripes and they ain’t red…er, um, or yellow either”.  Brilliant Billy.  Shamrock goes for a suplex, but Val blocks it and delivers one of his own.  Val drops an elbow and covers, but only gets a slow 2 count.  After delivering a double underarm suplex, Val begins to work on Shamrock’s back.  Crowd is really dead right now.  We go through a lengthy sequence of various restholds by Val.  A knee to the midsection gets 2 for Val.  Shamrock DDTs Val and covers.  Gunn counts 2, but won’t count 3.  As Shamrock argues with Gunn, Val applies a sleeper.  Shamrock catches a charging Val and powerslams him.  That also gets a nearfall.  Val delivers a fisherman’s suplex, but Gunn’s slow counting allows Shamrock to kick out before 3.  Shamrock stops Val from going for the Money Shot by throwing him off the top rope.  A belly-to-belly suplex by Shamrock, who then applies the ankle lock.  Ryan grabs Val’s hand and helps him reach the ropes.  Shamrock goes to the floor and yells at Ryan.  This leads to Verbal Gaffe #2: After yelling at Ryan, you can hear Shamrock mutter “slap me”, which she then does.  Gunn comes out to admonish Shamrock.  Shamrock shoves Gunn, so Gunn punches Shamrock.  Gunn then throws Shamrock back in and Val gets him in a small package.  Gunn quickly counts 3 and we have a new Intercontinental champion.

Postmatch: Shamrock and Gunn brawl in the aisle.  Then, as Val celebrates in the ring, Gunn comes back and attacks him.

BL: This could be classified as dreadfully boring and highly disappointing.  I would have thought that these two could have had a fast-paced, action-filled match, but I was sorely mistaken.  Then you top it off with Gunn’s antics, which did nothing to endear me.  It’s a shame that Shamrock’s reign had to end like that and it’s even sadder that they had Billy Gunn stand tall at the end of all this.  The only highlights were the verbal gaffes, which gave me a couple of laughs.  * ½

HHH and X-Pac vs. Kane and Chyna

So in the midst of the Corporation vs. D-X feud, Russo gave us another one of his patented head-scratcher heel turns by having Chyna join the Corporation.  Although the real head-scratching would come next month.  But for now, this is the match that came about from that shocking event.  As HHH and Kane kick things off, Shane joins us for commentary.  Kane works over HHH in the corner.  A missed elbow by Kane allows HHH to tag X-Pac.  X-Pac uses his feet to wear down Kane in the corner.  Kane returns the favor and then tags Chyna.  X-Pac throws Chyna into the corner and tries to do the Bronco Buster, but Chyna bails.  Kane tags himself back in and Chyna bitches at him.  Kane whips HHH and he gets hit by Chyna from the apron.  After connecting with a top rope clothesline, Kane tags in Chyna.  Chyna escapes a suplex attempt by HHH and nails him with a forearm.  She follows that up with a slam.  HHH avoids an elbow drop and tags X-Pac.  X-Pac and HHH double-team Kane way beyond the legal 5 seconds.  Kane and X-Pac brawl on the outside.  X-Pac dodges a charging Kane and then tackles Shane, who had been talking smack about him.  In the ring, Kane catches X-Pac trying to do a spinning heel kick and slams him.  A running powerslam by Chyna gets a nearfall on X-Pac.  Chyna locks a sleeper on X-Pac.  X-Pac escapes and makes the hot tag to HHH.  HHH is able to take on both opponents.  As X-Pac and Kane brawl on the floor, HHH delivers a high knee to Chyna.  HHH goes to the ropes, but Kane pulls the top one down.  Now HHH and Kane brawl and X-Pac comes in and gives Chyna the Bronco Buster.  As the referee is busy with HHH and Kane, Shane gets in the ring and hits X-Pac.  X-Pac no-sells it and chases Shane to the back.  HHH whips Kane into the steps and then goes after Chyna.  HHH sets up Chyna for the Pedigree, but Kane comes in and chokeslams him.  Kane lays Chyna on top of HHH and she scores the win.

BL: This was kinda all over the place.  A rather disjointed affair, if I may say so.  The opening minutes seemed as if they were making it up as they go.  Then, the face-in-peril segment was too brief.  As least the finish was hot and probably the right way to go.  As for Chyna, in her first official match, it was a good news/bad news situation.  The good news is that she’s already matched Billy Gunn’s moveset.  The bad news is that the moveset consist of forearms, kicks, slams and sleepers.  ** ¼

Last Man Standing Match for the WWF Championship: Mankind (champ) vs. The Rock

Mankind won the title back during Halftime HeAT in an Empty Arena match.  Mankind begins the match by turning his back and allowing The Rock to have the first shot.  The Rock, gentleman that he is, takes full advantage of it.  As The Rock argues with the referee, Mankind waffles him with the title belt.  The Rock is up at 8.  The fight goes outside and Mankind throws The Rock into some of the staging by the entrance.  Mankind finds a table set up and DDTs The Rock through it.  As Mankind tries to drag The Rock back to the ring, The Rock halts his progress and gives him a back suplex on the bare floor.  Back at ringside, Mankind whips The Rock into the steps.  In the ring, Mankind slams The Rock and then goes for the People’s Elbow, but misses.  The fight goes back outside and The Rock delivers three suplexes to Mankind.  Mankind is up at 6.  While Mankind gets up, The Rock does some commentary.  Mankind dives over the announce table and attacks The Rock.  With The Rock lying on the announce table, Mankind dives off the apron and delivers an elbow.  In the ring, Mankind charges at The Rock with the steps, but they get kicked back in his face.  Now The Rock repeatedly takes a chair to Mankind’s knee, which he attacked earlier.  The Rock tries to hit Mankind in the head, but he ducks and the chair bounces off the ropes and hits The Rock in the face.  On the floor, Mankind delivers a swinging neckbreaker to The Rock.  Mankind tries to piledrive The Rock on the announce table, but it gets reverses and Mankind is backdropped onto the timekeeper’s table.  Scary looking spot there.  The Rock interrupts the referee’s count by throwing the steps onto Mankind.  Mankind somehow gets up before 10.  Back inside, The Rock hits the Corporate Elbow.  The Rock grabs a mic and tells the referee to start counting faster.  Then, The Rock sings his version of Heartbreak Hotel for the Memphis crowd.  He doesn’t finish, however, as Mankind applies the Mandible Claw to him.  As The Rock tries to escape, he knocks the referee out of the ring.  The Rock is out, but so is the referee.  Mankind brings the referee back in, but The Rock gets up at 8.  A lowblow and DDT by The Rock puts down Mankind.  The Rock swings a chair at Mankind, but he ducks and then gives The Rock a double-arm DDT.  As The Rock gets up, Mankind applies Mr. Socko.  The Rock escapes by giving Mankind the Rock Bottom.  Both men get up at 8 and grab a chair.  Both men swing and connect on the other one’s head.  Neither man gets up before 10, so the referee declares the match a draw.  The crowd appropriately chants “bullshit”.  Mankind retains the title on the draw.

Postmatch: Both men do stretcher jobs to illustrate the brutality.

BL: It took a while for me to get into this match.  There was just too much out of the ring tepid brawling.  But the second half really picked up steam and got really good.  Only to crap out with that finish.  Crowd and I both hated it.  We all know The Rock has to be in the main event, so why not give him the win here.  It makes no sense to swerve for the sake of swerving here.  I came up with a couple of different finishes here that would have been conclusive, yet made Mankind still look strong.  I won’t go into detail on them, but trust me, they’re good.  Crap finish aside, this was another strong outing from the two.  ****

- This video package chronicles the entire Austin/McMahon feud.  If you don’t know what that entails, you haven’t been reading my column.  Shame on you!  Of note for this match, no Corporate members will be ringside, Austin’s shot at the WWF title at WM is on the line and Austin promises to make Vince bleed.

Steel Cage Match: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin vs. Mr. McMahon

Now that we’re in the Attitude era, we’ve replaced the blue bar cage with a black bar cage.  Major stall to begin as McMahon keeps teasing entering the cage.  So Austin chases him, until McMahon gets in the cage and blocks Austin from entering.  As Austin hops off the cage, it appears that he tweaked his knee.  Smelling blood, McMahon goes out after him.  But Austin was playing possum and attacks McMahon as he approaches.  The two begin brawling around the announce table.  Now the fight heads into the crowd.  Back at ringside, McMahon tries climbing up the cage to get into the ring.  Austin begins climbing up with him.  All of a sudden, Austin rams McMahon’s head into the cage and he flies backwards into the Spanish announce table.  Holy Shit!  His back landed right on the edge of the table.  It is one of the sickest and most surreal bumps I have ever seen.  That bump brings out the stretcher.  They try wheeling McMahon away, but Austin won’t have any of that.  He wheels McMahon back and flips him into the cage.  Austin drags McMahon into the cage and the match finally begins.  After kicking McMahon’s ass for a minute or so, Austin begins to leave the cage.  However, McMahon gives him the bird and that just draws Austin back in.  Austin stomps a mudhole, but McMahon comes back with a lowblow.  McMahon tries to exit, but Austin pulls him back.  Austin throws McMahon into the cage and McMahon has been busted open.  As Austin climbs out, a bloodied McMahon gives him the double bird and once again Austin has to come back.  One Stunner later and it appears to be over.  However, up through the mat comes Paul Wight (now known as The Big Show).  Wight begins ramming Austin into the cage.  Now he hoists up McMahon.  McMahon orders Wight to throw Austin into the cage.  He follows orders, but when he throws him, the cage breaks open and Austin falls to the floor to win.

BL: Yeah, this was a squash, but what a delicious squash it was.  This gave us exactly what we had wanted to see for the past year.  And leave it to Vince to pull out one of the biggest bumps to date in the WWF.  On top of that, we got a huge moment in Big Show’s debut.  Speaking of his debut, you got this sense from the crowd that they thought they were going to see another screwjob like last month at the Rumble.  When Austin fell out of the cage, the crowd pop was huge and you could just sense their jubilation.  A fun match all around.  ***

Final Thoughts: For an off month PPV, this aint half bad.  It’s bookended nicely with a couple of fun matches up front and a pair of decent ones to finish things off.  Things got a little ugly in the middle, but that’s what the fast-forward button is for.  I’ll give this a recommendation as it was an enjoyable show and a nice precursor to Wrestlemania.

Next time…I asked Bart Gunn to review this show, but it appears he doesn’t remember most of it, so I guess I’ll have to do it.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.