Hello to all my friends out there in Internet land.  I’m back again with a new column this week.  Luckily for you, I don’t have much of a preamble.  In fact, I only need to report one error that I made in

last week’s column.  Evidently, I underscored the effect of that table bump that Vince took in the main event.  One of my astute readers informed me that Vince suffered a broken tailbone as a result of that fall.  Considering how he landed, I’m not surprised one bit.  It’s all that more amazing that he seemingly recovers from injuries at a 

quicker pace than half of the full-time wrestlers.  I mean, a year ago the man tore both of his quads, but was back on his feet a few months later and now may actually be heading back into the ring this Wrestlemania.  But we can talk about this Wrestlemania at another time.  Right now, we need to travel back to 1999 and look at the granddaddy of ‘em all that took place during the height of the Attitude era.

OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue for WWF Wrestlemania XV: The Ragin Climax

Emanating from the First Union Center in Philadelphia, PA

Your commentators are Michael Cole (oh come on!) and Jerry “the King” Lawler

- Boyz II Men kick off the show with “America the Beautiful”.  I can only assume a group of hostile Philly fans (is that a redundancy?) attacked Boyz II Men after this performance because they seemingly haven’t been seen since.

Triple Threat Match for the WWF Hardcore Championship: “Badd Ass” Billy Gunn (champ) vs. Al Snow vs. Hardcore Holly

In one of the most confounding moves by Vince Russo (and believe me, he had plenty), he switched the Outlaws title aspirations.  After months of going after the Intercontinental title, Badd Ass won the Hardcore title a few weeks ago and Road Dogg won the IC belt.  I can’t figure out what the reasoning was, but that’s what we have to deal with.  Snow attacks Gunn before he can finish his pre-match spiel.  Everyone attacks each other and Snow gains an early advantage.  Snow whips Gunn into the steps.  After some more brawling, Snow finds a hockey stick and attacks both of his opponents.  That draws a “Let’s Go Flyers” chant from the crowd.  Now he wears both of them out with a broomstick.  Snow launches himself off a chair and into Gunn.  When he tries the same to Holly, he misses.  Snow lays out both guys with Head.  A table is set up in the corner.  When Snow tries to whip Holly into it, Holly puts on the brakes.  Gunn blasts Holly with a chair and then throws Snow through the table.  On a chair, Gunn connects with the Rocker Dropper, now named the Fameasser.  However, when he covers Snow, Holly hits him with a chair.  Then Holly covers Snow and gets the 3.

Bottom Line: After last month’s exciting affair, this was pretty dull.  Whether it’s warranted or not, I lay the blame on Billy.  His inclusion in this match had to have fouled things up.  There were no creative spots and it wasn’t very long.  Being in Philadelphia, you would have thought they would have tried to be more hardcore.  Holly wouldn’t have been my choice to win, but it’s a better option than Billy.  ½ *

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: Owen Hart and Jeff Jarrett (champs) vs. D’Lo Brown and Test

To show you what dire straits the tag division was in, the #1 contenders were determined via a battle royal that took place earlier on HeAT.  This wasn’t even a tag team battle royal.  It was just every man for himself and the last two guys left would get the show.  They should have just used the random wrestler generator.  D’Lo and Test argue with each other before the champs even come out.  However, they put their differences aside long enough to attack the champs before the bell rings.  Things settle down and it’s now just Jarrett and D’Lo.  They don’t do much before each tagging out.  Test connects with a powerbomb on Owen and gets a nearfall.  Owen escapes a pump handle slam and hits Test with an enziguri.  As Owen goes for the Sharpshooter, D’Lo comes in and makes the save.  Jarrett nails D’Lo from the apron and that puts the champs in control.  D’Lo ducks a double clothesline and clotheslines both of them.  A spinebuster by D’Lo on Jarrett gets 2.  Debra gets on the apron, but Ivory yanks her down.  Test comes over to separate the ladies as PMS come down and get in Ivory’s face.  Meanwhile, in the ring, D’Lo attempts to give Jarrett the Sky High, but Owen hits him with a missile dropkick.  Jarrett covers him and gets the win.

Postmatch: D’Lo and Test brawl, which led to that non-existent feud.

BL: What the hell was the point of that?  I want the tag champs on the show just as much as the next guy, but not this way.  The match was under 5 minutes and was made up of everyone hitting their primary spots before heading into end game.  This should have sent a strong message to the company that improvements were needed in the tag division in a hurry.

Brawl for All: Bart Gunn vs. Butterbean

For the unaware, Brawl for All was a tournament held last fall with the WWF wrestlers fighting in legit boxing matches (at least the early rounds).  It was presumed that Dr. Death Steve Williams would run away with the thing.  However, Bart Gunn upset him in the 2^nd round and then won it all, defeating Bradshaw in the finals.  Thinking this guy was the real deal, they’ve put him in a boxing match against known boxer/novelty act Butterbean.  We go through a lengthy video package talking about the training for the fight and getting people’s predictions.  Then, we come back live and get lengthy intros for everyone: the judges (which included Gorilla Monsoon in his final WWF appearance), the referee (Vinnie Pazienza) and then the fighters and their respective entourages.  All right, it’s now time to fight.  Everyone take a seat…this one could go the distance.  Oh wait…within 16 seconds, Butterbean knocks Gunn down with a combination of rights and lefts.  But Gunn is back up…that was probably an error due to pre-match jitters.  I’m sure he’ll be…OH SHIT!!  Butterbean knocks the f*** out of him with a right that turned Bart’s head into a weeble.  That’s it for Lefty.  Butterbean wins easily.

Postmatch: To kill time, they show a ton of replays and then Pazienza “fights” with the San Diego Chicken.

Bottom Line: Call me sick and twisted, but I take pleasure in watching this.  It is just so sudden and brutal.  A DUD all the way, but a perversely fun DUD.

Mankind vs. The Big Show

The match came about after Show cost Mankind the title in a ladder match against The Rock the night after St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.  There’s also big stakes in this match, as the winner will referee the main event.  Mankind slugs away at Show immediately.  Show comes back and knocks Mankind down with a boot.  The fight goes outside where Mankind rams Show’s head into the steps.  Mankind tries to DDT Show, but he gets shoved into the steps.  Back inside, Show takes control of the match.  Show misses a clothesline and falls to the outside.  When he comes back in, he’s greeted with Mr. Socko.  Show keeps shoving Mankind off, but Mankind keeps reapplying the hold.  Mankind drops Show to one knee and hops on his back for more leverage.  Show gets back up, then falls backwards.  I don’t know how Mankind is breathing after being sandwiched like that.  Show boots Mankind to the floor.  Now Show brutalizes Mankind with a chair.  He sets 2 chairs up in the ring and chokeslams Mankind through both of them.  The referee has seen enough and disqualifies Show. 

Postmatch: Mr. McMahon comes out and gives Show the riot act for losing.  Show begins to chokeslam McMahon, but thinks better of it.  Then McMahon continues to chew him out and proceeds to slap him.  That went too far and Show lays him out with a right hand.  Meanwhile, Mankind does the stretcher job and Cole claims he’s never seen Mankind go out on a stretcher, despite it happening just last month.

Bottom Line: Another short match that really never went anywhere.  This could have been interesting, seeing Mankind bump all over the ring for Show, but that didn’t happen.  I also don’t see why they turned Show face as the heel side in the main event scene was already pretty thin.  *

- In the back, Mr. McMahon tells the Stooges to get him a phone because he’s calling the cops and having Big Show arrested.  Too bad he also didn’t fire Cole for not coming in the ring and stopping Show from attacking him.

Four Corners Elimination Match for the WWF Intercontinental Championship: “Road Dogg” Jesse James (champ) vs. Ken Shamrock vs. Val Venis vs. Goldust

For anyone who cares, Goldust is now accompanied by the Blue Meanie and Ryan Shamrock.  Ryan was quickly becoming the WWF’s version of the town bicycle.  We pair off to begin as Val and Road Dogg battle it out and Shamrock and Goldust go at it.  It’s now settled down to Shamrock and Road Dogg and Shamrock is giving Road Dogg some rough turnbuckle treatment.  Now Val and Goldust are in.  Goldust goes for the Curtain Call, but Val escapes and plants Goldust with a spinebuster for 2.  A clothesline by Goldust gets 2.  Val and Goldust continue to trade nearfalls, until Shamrock and Road Dogg come in and give both of them DDTs.  Road Dogg comes in without a tag and soon takes out all 3 of his opponents.  As Road Dogg poses for the crowd, Val comes from behind and hits him with a back suplex.  That gets a long 2 count.  After Road Dogg hits Val with a pump handle slam, Shamrock tags himself in.  He applies the ankle lock to Val, but Val makes it to the ropes.  Val knocks Shamrock to the floor and then follows him out there.  The two brawl down the aisle and end up both getting counted out.  Shamrock comes back to protest and then gives belly-to-belly suplexes to Goldust and Road Dogg.  Goldust gets up and covers Road Dogg for 2.  Road Dogg reverses a whip and when Goldust comes off the ropes, Ryan accidentally trips him.  Goldust tries to powerslam Road Dogg, but he rolls through it and pins him for the victory.

Postmatch: Goldust and the Blue Meanie yell at Ryan for costing him the match and send her away crying.

BL: We finally get a match with a little bit more action, but not much.  The problems here more dealt with the booking.  There were so many confusing questions like why were Shamrock and Val still at odds when Ryan was with Goldust now and why did they have Road Dogg stay champ when he wasn’t even originally supposed to be in this match?  This was ok, but they could have done a bit more with it.  ** ½

- We see the Big Show being put into the back of some red car (is it supposed to be a cop car?) by a bunch of indy workers dressed as police officers.

Triple H vs. Kane

As Kane makes his way down to ringside, the San Diego Chicken comes out and hops on Kane’s back.  Kane pulls him off and then removes the mask to reveal Pete Rose!  Rose is trying to exact revenge for being tombstoned at last year’s Wrestlemania.  However, sadly for Pete the result here is the same.  Poor Pete, better luck next year.  As his music plays, HHH comes through the crowd, behind Kane, and low blows him.  HHH gives Kane a 10-punch count in the corner and then knocks him out of the ring.  The two brawl on the floor where HHH rams Kane into the post and throws him into the steps.  Kane grabs HHH on the steps and then crotches him on the guardrail.  Now Kane repeatedly rams HHH’s back into the post.  Back inside, Kane gives HHH some rough turnbuckle treatment.  A legdrop by Kane gets 2.  HHH tries to come back, but Kane tosses him to the outside.  Then Kane launches himself over the top rope and onto HHH.  Luchakane!!  Kane goes up top, but HHH pulls him down.  After Kane misses a corner charge, HHH begins to slug away on him.  HHH drops Kane with a knee.  Now Chyna comes down to ringside.  She’s been gone the past couple of weeks after Kane accidentally threw a fireball in her face.  Kane goes for a Tombstone, but HHH escapes.  Then HHH goes for the Pedigree, but Kane avoids it.  With both men down, Chyna throws the steps into the ring.  Kane tries to use them, but HHH dropkicks them in his face.  HHH then delivers a drop toe hold to Kane and he falls onto the steps.  HHH clotheslines Kane to the floor and then goes out there with him.  HHH tries to Pedigree Kane on the steps, but Kane backdrops him.  In the ring, Kane chokeslams HHH.  Chyna gets on the apron and says she wants to hit HHH with a chair.  However, when she gets in the ring, she nails Kane with the chair.  Referee calls for a disqualification because of that. 

Postmatch: As Kane looks on at Chyna, puzzled and hurt, HHH nails him with the chair and then gives him a Pedigree.  Then Chyna leaps into HHH’s arms as they reunite.  Shockingly, there are not a bunch of women crying as there were when Liz and Randy reunited.

BL: This was no masterpiece, but it’s the best we’ve seen tonight.  I don’t know what got into Kane, but he had his working boots on tonight.  He was pulling out moves we don’t typically see from him and bumping all over the place as well.  That was a pleasant surprise.  At this point, I was thinking, “What was the point of the Chyna heel turn?”, but that would be answered soon enough.  ***

- Kevin Kelly reports that there is confusion over who will be the referee for the main event.  He says the Big Show has been taken to jail and Mankind has been taken to the hospital.  But lo and behold, here comes Mr. McMahon and he announces in a very demonic voice, that he will be the referee.  Gee, why didn’t you make yourself the referee in the first place?

WWF Women’s Championship Match: Sable (champ) vs. Tori

Tori had been playing the role of the stalker fan when Sable suddenly began believing her own hype and became a bitchy primadonna.  Well, they always say the best characters are the ones that mirror your own personality.  Big stall to begin as Sable won’t let Tori in the ring.  So Tori drags Sable out and rams her into the guardrail.  Sable recovers and throws Tori into the guardrail.  Now Sable dives onto Tori from the apron.  Both are in the ring finally.  Sable grinds for the crowd, so Tori clotheslines her.  Tori begins to whip Sable from pillar to post.  A rollup by Tori gets 2.  Now the two trade a couple more nearfalls.  Tori goes for a crossbody, but Sable ducks and she hits the referee instead.  The two fuck up a Sable Bomb attempt.  Now Tori goes for a move, but Nicole Bass ( a manly woman whose notoriety comes from the Howard Stern show) grabs Tori and gives her a gorilla press slam.  Sable smiles and then gives Tori the Sable Bomb.  The referee is now up and makes the 3 count.

BL: Bleh!  Another waste of a title match.  It’s not much of a division when you have a champion that’s a limited worker and only two other people as potential challengers.  Scrap this match and give some of the earlier ones more time.  As for the shocking run-in, it was pretty ineffective as most didn’t know who she was and it never led to anything significant.  ½ *

WWF European Championship Match: Shane McMahon (champ) vs. X-Pac

Shane appears to have brought backup to this fight.  He has the Mean Street Posse sitting front row, Test at ringside and the Stooges jump X-Pac as he walks down the aisle.  However, X-Pac fends those two off easily.  When X-Pac gets in the ring, Shane is hesitant to join him.  Finally, in the ring, Shane does a leapfrog and celebrates.  It’s costly, however, as X-Pac hits him with a spinning heel kick.  X-Pac goes for a Bronco Buster, but Test pulls Shane out of the ring.  As X-Pac attacks Shane on the floor, Test grabs him and crotches him on the post.  Ow!  Now Shane works over X-Pac in the corner.  Shane tries to do the Corporate Elbow, but misses.  After a low blow, Shane whips X-Pac with a belt.  X-Pac backdrops Shane out of the ring and then launches himself over the top rope onto him.  The Mean Street Posse try to attack X-Pac, but he fights them off.  However, Test comes over and nails him.  From the second rope, Shane connects with a double ax handle.  Shane now goes all the way up top, but X-Pac dropkicks him and Shane crotches himself.  X-Pac then connects with a superplex.  He covers, but Test pulls him off.  After fending off Test again, X-Pac comes back in and begins to whip Shane with the belt.  He delivers the Bronco Buster to Shane, but when he turns around Test nails him with the Euro title.  Shane covers and gets 2.  Now Shane goes for the Bronco Buster, but he comes up empty.  Test tries to interfere again, but X-Pac knocks him down.  Here comes HHH and Chyna to even the sides.  X-Pac connects with the X-Factor on Shane and covers, but Chyna has the referee distracted.  HHH comes in and gives X-Pac the Pedigree!  He then pulls Shane on top of X-Pac.  The referee turns around and makes the 3 count.

Postmatch: HHH and Test continue their assault on X-Pac until the Outlaws come out.  They aren’t much help as the heels beat them down as well.  The crowd chants “HBK”.  However, it’s Kane that comes out and chases them all away.

BL: Finally, a decent match with a decent story.  We got our first good look at the athlete that Shane is and X-Pac was very good, as always, in the sympathetic underdog role.  The HHH turn was shocking, but it was good in that it explained the Chyna non-turn and provided a new solid heel.  Good effort all around.  *** ½

Hell in a Cell match: The Undertaker vs. The Big Bossman

There were a number of problems with this feud, but let me just list a few.  1) If they were going to do this feud, they needed to wait because Mr. McMahon was trying to be the evil boss against Austin, yet made to look sympathetic when being tortured by the Undertaker.  2) All the main players in the Corporation had other feuds, so we’re stuck with the Bossman in a high profile match.  3) Hell in a Cell should be saved for feuds between two heated rivals or at least used as a blowoff to a feud.  Neither applies here.  For some reason, on my DVD of this show, when we return from the video package, the Bossman is already in the ring.  Ouch, doesn’t even get an entrance.  Of course, that’s compensated by the Undertaker taking 10 minutes for his entrance.  Actually, I think the reason that Bossman’s entrance was left out was because on the live PPV, this was where Cole was talking about the WWF being on the Home Shopping Network after the show and said that they would be talking to the new champion, which essentially spoiled the main event, even though it was pretty much a foregone conclusion anyway.  The Bossman punches away on Taker to begin.  But then Taker returns the favor.  A clothesline by Taker gets 2.  The Bossman gets a nearfall with a swinging neckbreaker.  Taker begins to ram the Bossman’s back into the cell.  The Bossman reverses a whip and throws Taker into the cell.  He then grabs a pair of handcuffs and cuffs Taker to the cell.  With Taker chained up, the Bossman attacks him with a nightstick.  As Taker falls to the ground, the handcuffs break apart.  LOL!  Nice prop guys.  Somehow, Taker has been busted open.  Taker comes back by whipping the Bossman into the cell.  More nothingness happens as the crowd starts turning on this match.  In the ring, Taker hits a big clothesline on the Bossman and gets a nearfall.  Taker goes for the ropewalk, but the Bossman kicks him off.  The Bossman escapes a Tombstone attempt and throws Taker to the corner.  However, Taker quickly recovers and gets the Bossman up again for the Tombstone.  This time he hits it and pins him to end this atrocity.

Postmatch: The Brood repel down from the ceiling and lower a noose into the cell.  Taker puts the noose around the Bossman’s neck and raises the cell.  They just leave him hanging there as we cut to a video package.

BL: Worst. Hell in a Cell. Ever.  This stunk, plain and simple.  You cannot have these two in a Hell in a Cell match, given the match’s history, and expect the same result.  This would have been a bad match without the cell and it just seems all that much worse with it because you expect more.  They just threw punches at each other for most of the match.  I’m giving it a DUD both for its content and for the writer who thought this would be a good idea.  One of Taker’s worst Wrestlemania wins.

- Nothing special about the main event video package.  The Rock says his catchphrases, Austin says his.  At this point, we just ready for them to get it on.

- And a welcome relief to all our ears as Jim Ross returns to announce the main event.  Adios Cole.  Somehow, I don’t think we’ll miss you.

- Also before the match, Mr. McMahon comes out to referee the match in a black sweatshirt, despite claiming earlier tonight that he had “the best looking referee’s shirt” in his locker room.  As he walks down the aisle, he almost gives us two tickets to the gun show, but then changes his mind.  Then Shawn Michaels comes out and puts the kibosh on Vince as the referee.  Instead, he just assigns Mike Chioda to do the match. 

WWF Championship Match: The Rock (champ) vs. “Stone Cold” Steve Austin

So it’s the biggest show of the year and Austin comes out wearing a t-shirt?  WTF?!?  Actually, in the DVD commentary, Austin reveals that he accidentally forgot to pack his vest.  D’oh!  We get a brief stare-down before the two start slugging away at each other.  The Rock dumps Austin to the floor and then continues his attack out there.  The fight goes to the crowd and they can barely move amongst the sea of people.  Now by the entrance, Austin goes for a piledriver, but The Rock backdrops him and Austin’s legs crack into one of the big lights that make up the staging.  Ouch!  Austin comes back and throws The Rock into a mounted camera.  Then he throws him into the large Wrestlemania sign.  The Rock blocks a suplex attempt and delivers one of his own to Austin on the floor.  Back at ringside, The Rock grabs a water bottle, drinks some and spits the rest in Austin’s face.  Austin lays The Rock on the Spanish announce table and delivers an elbow.  He hits a second and this one causes the table to break.  Now Austin spits water in The Rock’s face to return the favor.  The Rock grabs Austin’s leg and wraps it around the post.  However, Austin comes back and throws The Rock into the steps.  We finally get both guys back into the ring and The Rock hits the Rock Bottom out of nowhere.  The Rock covers and Austin kicks out at the very last second.  That was close.  The Rock grabs a chair, but Austin takes it away from him.  Austin swings, but The Rock pulls the referee in front of him and he gets nailed.  A Stunner attempt is blocked by The Rock.  The Rock now hits Austin’s knee with a chair multiple times.  Another chairshot to the head and The Rock covers.  A second referee comes out and gets only a 2 count.  Austin escapes a chinlock, but The Rock hits him with a Samoan Drop.  The Rock covers, but again only gets a 2 count.  Frustrated with the referee, The Rock gives him the Rock Bottom.  He turns around and gets a Stunner.  The Rock does his hilarious somersault sell to it.  Austin covers, but a third referee takes too long to get in the ring and only makes a 2 count.  Now Mr. McMahon walks down to ringside.  Austin goes to use a chair, but The Rock lowblows him.  McMahon gets in the ring and knocks down the referee.  The Rock and McMahon stomp away on Austin when Mankind comes down to the ring.  Mankind grabs McMahon and punches him.  The Rock goes over to Mankind, but Austin rolls him up and gets a 2 count.  Austin connects with the Lou Thesz Press and the F.U. elbow.  The Rock comes back and hits another Rock Bottom.  He tries to follow it up with the Corporate Elbow, but he misses.  Austin goes for the Stunner, but The Rock blocks it.  He sets Austin up for another Rock Bottom, but Austin escapes and connects with the Stunner.  He covers and Mankind makes the 3 count.  New champion!

Postmatch: After celebrating with Earl Hebner over some cold ones, Austin drags McMahon into the ring, gives him a Stunner and then drinks some more.

BL: The drama was off the page for this one.  The action was not as great.  I mean it wasn’t bad, but half of it was out of the ring brawling, which just wasn’t exciting.  I also thought the three ref bumps were excessive.  I would have just had one and then have Mankind come out.  Still, it was a suitable main event and did the proper thing by having the fans go home happy.  *** ¾

Final Thoughts: There’s a lot to remember from this Wrestlemania, but none of those memories come from the actual wrestling.  Most matches aren’t very good and the ones that were, earned more for their drama than for their ringwork.  This one is more remembered for its numerous turns and sports entertainment finishes.  If that’s what you are into, this show will be right up your alley.  For the rest, you may want to take a pass on it.

Next time…we meet the world’s scariest chauffeur.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.