Howdy folks!  Sorry there was no revue last week.  I ended up going back up to Cleveland for a mini-vacation.  I’m now back in Raleigh for the rest of the summer, so I don’t see any reason for me to miss a week from now until the fall, which is good news for all of you.  I hope you all had an opportunity to read my recap of this year’s Judgment Day PPV.  I had a lot of fun doing it and I thought the format was something that all of you would enjoy reading.  I look forward to doing that again anytime Rick wants to bail on another lame Smackdown PPV. 
 

For some reason, the Survivor Series revue I did two weeks ago really triggered a lot of reader feedback.  I think as we get closer to real time, a lot of you are having your own fond memories of the shows and sharing them with me, which is great.  Some of it, though, was in helping me fill in some gaps where I couldn’t remember some stuff.  For instance… 

- Many of you wrote in to inform me on the Headbangers reunion.  Evidently Headbanger Mosh’s, then Chaz, girlfriend Marianna was trying to get him arrested for domestic abuse.  However, Thrasher came out and showed some backstage footage of her putting on makeup to make it appear as if she had been abused.  Mosh appreciated Thrasher getting him out of the jam and thus they reunited.  This all took place on HeAt, which is the likely reason why I couldn’t recall the events.

However, the best email I received was a reader’s attempt to make sense of the Bulldog/Posse vs. Venis/Henry/Gangrel/Blackman match.  Here’s his rationale:

“The most interesting concept of this match was the possibility of a tag team for the Porn Stars; Val Venis and Sexual Chocolate Mark Henry. This was their chance to see if they worked together. If they did, they’d have been shunted over into a feud with D’Lo and the Godfather. (This idea would be jettisoned, but would return during Viscera’s brief ‘Evil Angry Pimp’ gimmick.)

The Mean Streets Posse should have been feuding with Gangrel and Blackman. Gangrel, in a throwback to his days in Stampede Wrestling as a Blackhart, thought Blackman might be his long lost (and charismatically challenged) wrestling ‘brother.’

Pete Gas’ lovely sweatervest had been soiled during a WWF Superstars Main Event with Gangrel, when Gangrel picked up the win with his Blood Chalice Spray. Those sweatervests are Dry Clean Only! Leaving poor Petey easy prey to an Impaler. That was the one match up – Revenge of the Sweatervests!

Bulldog was heard backstage on GTV commenting about the slags and slappers (British slang for sluts and hos) of such low quality he’d rather, ‘drop a few bob for a Birmingham Minger, than these vile birds.’ Clearly, thems fightin’ words to the Porn Production Crew of Venis and Henry.

Et voila, a utterly mindnumbing reason to stink up a PPV.

(And sadly, my reasoning is likely better than anything the WWF bookers of the day concocted.)”

Well done my friend.  And you’re right…that is a way better explanation than the bookers could have come up with.  And with that, let’s see how the bookers fared in creating this show…  

OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue for WWF Armageddon 1999

Emanating from the National Car Rental Center in Ft. Lauderdale, FL

Your commentators are Jim Ross and Jerry “the King” Lawler

- I just wanted to add here, that the staging for this PPV is perhaps one of the best.  All around the entrance way are various combat vehicles (jeep, tank, fighter jet, etc.)  They also have a bunker and other military paraphernalia strewn about.  Very cool looking!

Opening Match: Tag Team Battle Royal

There are eight teams involved in this match and the winner gets a shot at the tag titles at the Royal Rumble next month.  Edge and Christian attack the Dudley Boyz before any of the other teams come out.  The Dudleyz bails to the floor and wait for the other entrants.  All teams are in now and everyone chooses a fighting partner.  Christian dumps Rodney out, but then Joey Abs comes out and gets in the ring.  Now Joey gets tossed and Rodney goes back into the ring.  This is being allowed because there’s only one referee and he’s preoccupied.  All Posse members have now been thrown out and they’re officially eliminated.  The Godfather backdrops Mosh out of the ring, so the Headbangers are gone.  The Acolytes team up to heave out Mark Henry, which also means his partner, the Godfather is out.  As Christian and Scotty 2 Hotty battle on the apron, Edge comes over and helps his brother eliminate Too Cool.  Christian and D-Von go under the bottom rope and brawl on the floor.  Edge charges at Bubba Ray, but gets backdropped to the apron.  As he tries to get back in, D-Von pulls him down to the floor, which eliminates him.  The Dudleyz double-team Jeff Hardy, while the Acolytes double-team Matt.  As the Dudleyz celebrate doing a neckbreaker to Jeff, Matt comes behind D-Von and tosses him out of the ring.  We’re down to the Acolytes and the Hardyz.  Bradshaw shoves Matt over the top rope, but Matt brings Bradshaw with him and they both hit the floor.  The referee was out of position, so he lets the match continue.  Bradshaw rams Matt into the steps and then goes back inside to double-team Jeff.  Jeff is able to give Farooq a headscissors and send him to the floor, but the referee was tending to Matt, so he doesn’t see it and Farooq comes back into the ring.  Both teams do a couple of teases of elimination on the apron.  With both Bradshaw and Matt on the apron, Jeff charges at Farooq, who launches Jeff over the top rope and all the way to the floor to give the Acolytes the dubious win.

Bottom Line: Pretty standard battle royal fare here.  It’s a shame that you had so many good workers here being wasted in this type of match.  The final few minutes were exciting, even if the inept referee act was lame.  With this division now having credible teams, it was frustrating to see the Acolytes go over here.  Then again, given their workrate, they probably will match up better with the Outlaws than some of the other better teams.  * ½

- Lillian Garcia reviews with Kurt Angle all of his accomplishments.  Angle says they’re all true, but he’s been disappointed with the response he’s gotten from fans lately.  He believes, though, that these Floridians will show him the proper respect.  Kurt, Kurt, Kurt.  What are you thinking?  And here I thought you said one of your three I’s was intelligence.

Steve Blackman vs. Kurt Angle

Angle and Blackman teamed up against the Dudleys last week on Smackdown and didn’t get along, which prompted this match tonight.  Blackman runs in and immediately attacks Angle.  Blackman connects with a missile dropkick, but misses a diving headbutt.  Angle slams Blackman and then goes up and tries a beautiful moonsault, but comes up empty.  Now Blackman busts out some submission moves by applying a bow and arrow and an Indian deathlock.  A DDT by Angle gets 2.  Angle gets another nearfall with a suplex.  Crowd tries getting under Angle’s skin with a “boring” chant.  On the floor, Blackman whips Angle into the steps.  A crossbody by Angle, but Blackman rolls through it and gets 2.  After a sidewalk slam, Blackman tries a move from the second rope, but Angle puts his feet up.  Angle ducks an enziguri by Blackman and then immediately hits him with a German suplex, bridges, and keeps him down for 3.

Postmatch: Blackman attacks Angle with his nunchucks and gets a face pop for it.

BL: I didn’t think I would say this for this match, but this was somewhat of a spotfest.  These two pulled out moves that I wasn’t expecting.  Sadly, the moves weren’t put together in any sort of logical progression.  In addition, the ending was rather abrupt.  Still, it doesn’t matter that much, since this was here simply to continue to get Angle over.  ** ¼

- Michael Cole interviews the busty EMT, now known as B.B. about her upcoming match.  Well, it’s not much of an interview, since B.B.’s curves have rendered Cole’s brain to mush.  Jesus, you’d think the guy has never seen a woman get dressed before.  Wait a minute, I forgot who I was talking about.  Never mind.

Evening Gown Swimming Pool Match for the WWF Women’s Championship: Ivory (champ) vs. Miss Kitty vs. Jacqueline vs. B.B. with special guest referees The Fabulous Moolah and Mae Young

This match is likely to do wonders for women’s lib.  It’s four women wading in a pool trying to pull each other’s dresses off.  No need to go into specifics here.  Everyone teams up to remove Jacqueline’s dress.  Then Kitty and Ivory work together to get B.B.’s dress off.  Finally, Kitty rakes Ivory’s eyes and then pulls off her dress to become the new champion.

Postmatch: Kitty gets on the mic and says she’s gonna celebrate by getting nekkid.  After taking off her dress, she hops back into the pool.  She gets back out and then rips off her bra to flash the crowd.  Almost immediately, Sgt. Slaughter comes out and covers her up.  Then Mae Young gets on the mic to tell us she’s going to strip.  She gets down to her bra and then thankfully is whisked away.

BL: What can you say?  The match had no merit whatsoever and the title continues to become more of a joke with each passing month.  But the postmatch antics gave fans a water cooler moment that would be talked about for weeks, and that’s always a good thing.  DUD

- Kevin Kelly chats with Rikishi Phatu (former Headbanger Fatu) about his upcoming match tonight.  Rikishi then cuts this really awful promo that involves a poem that doesn’t exactly rhyme.  He talks as if he has some sort of mental retardation, but it’s probably a result of one too many coconuts to the head.

Rikishi Phatu and Viscera vs. The Holly Cousins

This may seem random, but the Hollys were in the midst of trying to prove they were “super-heavyweights” and could hang with the big boys.  The Hollys try to jump Rikishi, but are unsuccessful.  Hardcore prevents Rikishi from doing the Banzai drop on Crash.  A belly-to-belly suplex by Rikishi on Hardcore gets 2.  Rikishi tags Vis, but he doesn’t seem too pleased about having to come in.  Vis easily manhandles both Hollys.  Vis misses a charge, which allows Hardcore to hit him with a missile dropkick.  That gets 2.  Now the Hollys do some double-team moves on Vis.  He fends them off and tags Rikishi.  Rikishi gets hit with a DDT, but he no-sells it.  Rikishi hits Crash with his awesome Rikishi Drop, which is basically a sit-out Tombstone.  As Hardcore tries to attack Rikishi, Vis comes in and “accidentally” hits Rikishi with a spinning heel kick.  Hardcore covers and pins Rikishi for 3.

Postmatch: Rikishi and Vis get into an argument and then brawl until the Usual Bunch of Idiots separate them.

BL: This was a purpose match.  It wanted to get Rikishi over and get him into an initial feud.  From that standpoint, mission accomplished (at least to a certain degree).  As from a wrestling standpoint, this did nothing for me.  ¾ *

- Lillian interview Val Venis about his upcoming European championship match.  However, I think Val would rather interview Lillian for his new film, Once Upon a Time in a Mexi-ho.

Triple Threat Match for the WWF European Championship: The British Bulldog (champ) vs. D’Lo Brown vs. Val Venis

Referee Teddy Long immediately sends the Mean Street Posse to the back before the match begins.  A lot of punching and kicking by all three men to begin.  With the Bulldog and Val fighting on the outside, D’Lo does a no-hands plancha and lands on both men.  A powerslam by Val gets 2 on D’Lo.  Back outside, the Bulldog whips Val into the steps.  Now the Bulldog and D’Lo team up against Val.  That is short-lived as D’Lo boots the Bulldog to the floor.  D’Lo messes up a springboard move, but plays it off as best he can.  Another botched spot, as the Bulldog almost breaks his neck while Val and D’Lo give him a hiptoss.  D’Lo asks the Bulldog if he’s all right.  Gee, I wonder why he would be sensitive about that?  coughDrozcough  D’Lo and Val compete over getting a cover on the Bulldog.  D’Lo goes up top, but Val dropkicks him and he gets crotched.  D’Lo delivers a top rope sunset flip to Val, but the Bulldog pulls the referee out before he can count.  Now the Bulldog and Val team up against D’Lo.  After dumping D’Lo out of the ring, the Bulldog hits Val with the running powerslam.  He covers, but D’Lo puts Val’s foot on the rope.  D’Lo comes in and takes it to the Bulldog.  D’Lo hits the frog splash and covers, but Val then hits the Money Shot on both of them and covers the Bulldog for the 3 count.  New champion!

BL: Thank goodness that one’s over.  What a train wreck.  Ever since his return, the Bulldog has not looked crisp at all.  That resulted in a lot of ugly moves here.  About the only things that looked good were the punches and kicks and we know how exciting those are. *

Steel Cage Match: Kane vs. X-Pac

Per stipulations made earlier tonight, Kane can only win by pinfall, but X-Pac can win by pinfall or escape.  X-Pac locks the cage door with Kane inside and then goes after Tori.  Kane climbs out of the cage and attacks X-Pac.  X-Pac grabs the ringbell and blasts Kane with it.  Both men head into the cage and Kane goes back on the attack.  X-Pac tries a spinning heel kick, but Kane slams him to the mat.  Kane gives X-Pac some rough turnbuckle treatment.  X-Pac escapes a snake eyes attempt and kicks Kane to the mat.  Both men climb up, but X-Pac crotches Kane on the top rope.  A top rope legdrop by X-Pac gets 2.  When X-Pac goes for another high risk move, Kane grabs him by the throat.   X-Pac escapes, only to then be hit with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker.  Now Kane gives X-Pac some rough cage treatment.  The Outlaws come down and bust the lock on the cage door.  After slamming the door on Kane’s head, the Outlaws toss X-Pac a chair.  Kane gets up, but X-Pac gives him the X-Factor.  Now X-Pac handcuffs Kane to the cage and gives him a couple of chairshots.  As X-Pac tries to climb out, Tori comes in and stops him.  He spits in her face and then gives her the X-Factor.  Classy.  When X-Pac goes for another chairshot, Kane boots it in his face.  Kane miraculously breaks the cuffs and meets X-Pac outside the cage, as he tries to escape.  Kane puts X-Pac on his shoulders and brings him back into the ring.  Kane then climbs to the top of the cage and delivers a clothesline.  That’s followed by a Tombstone and Kane easily wins it.

BL: This would have been a nice blowoff had the feud not inexplicably continued for months after this.  The action was solid, but there were some rather contrived moments (the weird stips, the Outlaws involvement, the handcuffs) that weakened the match.  Still, this was a pretty fun cage match.  ***

WWF Intercontinental Championship Match: Chyna (champ) vs. Chris Jericho

Jericho jumps Chyna from behind and we’re underway.  Jericho whips Chyna to the corner, but he misses a follow-up charge and falls to the outside.  The two now brawl on the floor.  Jericho slams Chyna onto the announce table and then tries to hit her injured hand with a chair, but misses.  Miss Kitty tries to take the chair away, but is unsuccessful.  However, it allows Chyna to dropkick the chair in Jericho’s face.  Jericho comes back and whips Chyna into the steps.  Then he gives Miss Kitty a kiss for good measure.  Jericho tries a move from the top rope, but Chyna lowblows him.  Chyna connects with the handspring elbow and a DDT.  That gets 2.  Jericho kicks Chyna and she gets tied up in the ropes.  Jericho takes advantage and attacks her injured hand.  Chyna reverses a powerbomb attempt into a pinning comination for 2.  After suplexing Chyna, Jericho gives us the “C’mon baby” cover and gets 2.  Both go for a crossbody, but Chyna gets it and gets a nearfall.  After connecting with his crappy bulldog, Jericho goes for the Lionsault, but Chyna gets her knees up.  Chyna reverses Jericho’s hurricanrana into a powerbomb.  Then she catapults him into the corner where Jericho had earlier removed the turnbuckle pad.  That gets a long 2.  Jericho reverses the Pedigree into a backslide for 2.  Chyna rolls up Jericho, but he rolls through it and locks her into the Walls of Jericho.  Chyna gets close to the ropes, but Jericho pulls her back.  She tries hanging on, but eventually she has no choice but to tap.  New champion!

BL: Like last month, this was another well worked match.  However, there was something missing here.  Maybe it was the lack of crowd dichotomy that was there last month.  I think a lot had to do with Jericho’s domination of the match.  Chyna hardly got any offense and it caused the match to be less dramatic.  Still, a good outing from both individuals.  *** ½

-As Cole congratulates Jericho on his win, Chyna comes by and offers Jericho a handshake for a well fought match.  This is why women shouldn’t be allowed to wrestle.  There’s no sportsmanship in wrestling!

WWF Tag Team Championship Match: The New Age Outlaws (champs) vs. The Rock-n-Sock Connection

A huge pop for The Rock’s entrance from his hometown crowd.  Mankind and Road Dogg begin with not much happening.  The Rock and Gunn are now tagged in.  They stare at each other and when Gunn tries to take off his shirt, The Rock attacks him.  Well that was a dumb move.  Road Dogg jukes and jives too long and Mankind gives him the Mandible Claw.  However, Gunn comes in for the save.  Everyone heads outside and brawls on the floor.  Back inside, the Outlaws unsuccessfully try to double-team The Rock.  A neckbreaker by Gunn puts The Rock down for 2.  Gunn attacks The Rock on the floor as the referee is tied up with Mankind.  The Rock has now been made the face-in-peril, much to Road Dogg’s delight.  Road Dogg tries for the pump handle slam, but The Rock mule kicks him.  The Rock cannot regain momentum because Gunn kicked him in the head as he ran to the ropes.  The Rock escapes a chinlock and hits Gunn with the float-over DDT.  The Rock tags out and Mankind takes on both Outlaws.  Mankind mocks Road Dogg’s juking and jiving, but then accidentally hits the referee.  Mankind piledrives Road Dogg and covers, but there’s no referee.  As Mankind applies the Mandible Claw, Al Snow runs down and nails him with Head (Mankind abandonded Snow as a partner in favor of The Rock a few weeks ago and that didn’t sit well with Snow).  Road Dogg covers Mankind, but The Rock pulls the referee out of the ring.  Then The Rock runs down the aisle and clotheslines Snow.  In the ring, the Outlaws hit Mankind with the ringbell.  Road Dogg covers, but Mankind somehow kicks out at 2.  The Outlaws try for a spike piledriver, but Mankind escapes.  The Rock gets the hot tag and goes to work on both Outlaws.  After connecting with the Rock Bottom on Gunn, The Rock covers, but Snow runs back in and attacks him, which draws the DQ.

Postmatch: Snow becomes the recipient of a Rock Bottom and People’s Elbow.

BL: There was nothing wrong here, but it certainly did nothing for me.  If you had any clue as to what was going on in the storylines, you knew Snow would play a factor in Rock and Sock not winning the titles.  If that’s the sole purpose of the match, it should happen on RAW or Smackdown, not Pay-Per-View.  The finish was especially frustrating for the live crowd, who wanted to see the hometown guy get the big win.  ** ¾

- Somehow, the WWF braintrust decided to keep the Big Show/Bossman feud going on, even after Show unexpectedly won the WWF title last month at Survivor Series.  To keep the feud alive, the Bossman somehow topped his stunts from last month by getting the Big Show’s mother to confess that he is a bastard.  How can you not love a video package that ends with the line, “Hey, Paul Wight.  You’re a nasty bastard and your momma said so!”

WWF Championship Match: The Big Show (champ) vs. The Big Bossman

What?  This isn’t the main event?  I’m stunned.  Show runs in and immediately gives the Bossman some rough turnbuckle treatment.  Show takes the Bossman outside and attack him some more.  Prince Albert tries to interfere, but Show chokeslams him through the Spanish announce table.  However, the Bossman is able to hit Show with the steps.  The Bossman follows that up by throwing Show into the post.  Crowd begins a “boring” chant”.  The Bossman brings him back in and covers, but Show emphatically kicks out and then kips up.  One chokeslam later and just like that, it’s over.

BL: A WWF title match on PPV and it lasts less than five minutes.  How disgraceful.  Why did they even bother?  You know it’s bad when the crowd manages a boring chant within a five minute match.  If you think this is getting anything better than a DUD, you’re out of your mind.  Let’s proceed before I start to get angry.

- The history between Vince McMahon and Triple H has been well known for the past few months, but their rivalry became very heated in the past few weeks.  HHH was simply irate when Vince cost him the WWF title at Survivor Series.  So to get him back, he crashed Stephanie and Test’s wedding and revealed that he and a drunken Stephanie had gotten married the night before.  Now with each man taking something precious from the other, they want to take the other’s life in a no holds barred match.  And to up the ante, HHH has given his new bride a front row ticket so she can watch all of the carnage up close and personal.

No Holds Barred Match: Vince McMahon vs. Triple H

Stephanie comes out wearing a lovely new black leather jacket.  Hmmm…perhaps a wedding gift?  HHH charges at Vince with his sweet lady sledge, but Vince throws powder in his face.  Vince now delivers some rights and lefts to HHH.  To the outside they go where Vince throws HHH onto the announce table and into the steps.  The fight now heads into the crowd.  As they head back to ringside, Mankind comes down the aisle with a shopping cart full of weapons.  Vince grabs a garbage can lid and wears out HHH with it.  As Vince chokes HHH with a crutch, HHH rams Vince’s head into the steps.  Now HHH uses some of the weapons on Vince.  The two now head back to the entranceway.  HHH throws Vince into some of the combat vehicles.  In a nasty looking spot, HHH swings a machine gun to the back of Vince’s head.  Vince comes back by whipping HHH into a plane.  The fight has now headed out to the parking lot.  HHH runs away and Vince goes looking for him.  All of a sudden, HHH tries running over Vince with a car.  Vince is able to avoid it, but HHH remains on the offensive.  HHH takes Vince on top of a limo and powerslams him.  Back in the arena, Vince tries to mount a comeback.  As Vince wields a pipe, HHH climbs up some of the entrance staging.  Vince follows HHH up there, but HHH knocks him off and Vince falls into the set’s bunker.  We see Vince is busted open now.  HHH goes to ringside, grabs a mic and tells Stephanie that her dad is finished.  Vince slowly walks back to ringside where HHH knocks him down again.  In the ring, HHH goes to use the sledgehammer on Vince, but Vince kicks him low.  Now Vince attacks HHH with a pipe.  Vince grabs the sledge and goes to use it, but Stephanie gets in the ring and says she wants to hit him.  She starts to swing, but then can’t go through with it.  HHH quickly grabs it and nails Vince with it.  HHH arrogantly covers, but it doesn’t matter because Vince is out and he wins it.

Postmatch: Stephanie checks on her dad and HHH looks like he’s going to hit her with the sledge.  She stands up and goes from a look of fear to a big grin on her face.  HHH and Steph embrace as J.R. is stunned by this shocking development.  HHH and Steph leave hand-in-hand and Vince has no clue what just happened.  End show.

BL: This is a tough one to call.  On one hand, this was a good, drawn-out brawl.  However, its pace was slow and deliberate and the big spots in the match were all very safe looking.  This is a match that is exciting on its initial viewing, but loses its impact with each successive viewing.  Stephanie’s heel turn, on the other hand, still gives me goose bumps.  You just never want to believe that that sweet innocent face could produce such an evil smile.  ***

Final Thoughts: This show gains its notoriety from its buzzworthy moments rather than from any of the action.  Both Miss Kitty’s flashing and Steph’s heel turn had people talking the next morning.  If you’ve never seen this show, you owe it to yourself to find it to see these historical moments.  And while you have it, you might as well check out the matches, as there are a handful of decent ones.  Just don’t blink, or else you might miss the WWF title match.

Next time, we watch the Chinese (He’s Japanese!!) guy fall flat on his face over and over again.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.