Your commentators are Michael Cole and Tazz

- Before even getting a video package, Torrie Wilson and Sable come out to the ring and Cole is all a twitter. They get on the mic and welcome us to the show. Um…thanks?

 
Bottom Line: I’m not sure what anybody saw in Rikishi and Scotty at this point. Their act was so played that they had no right being on a PPV, let alone being champs. Being paired against the green and bland team of the Bashams didn’t help this match either. They got some nominal pops from the audience, but this wasn’t what I would call a hot opener. From a wrestling perspective, things were even worse. Thankfully this was kept brief. ½ *

Boyfriend vs. Girlfriend Blindfold Match: Jamie Noble vs. Nidia

Noble had been getting tired of Nidia sponging all of his uncle’s inheritance money and the final straw broke when he also had to start taking care of her after Tajiri blinded her with black mist. That led to this match. However, Noble said he would call off the match if Nidia left him and gave back all the stuff she bought. So what does she do? She throws a mink coat into a wood chipper. How dumb is that? She still has to fight him and she doesn’t have the coat. Oh and if this wasn’t contrived enough, Noble has to wrestle the match blindfolded. Noble puts the hood on and immediately dives for Nidia, but misses. Nidia slaps him upside the head and Noble pulls off the hood in frustration. After a few more cheap shots, Nidia pantses Noble and then delivers a bulldog. Noble grabs Nidia’s leg, but she escapes with a leg scissors. We then proceed with Nidia continuing to mock Noble’s inability to see. Nidia boots Noble in the head and goes up top. As the referee admonishes her, Noble lifts up the hood and sees where she’s at. He puts it down and then goes over and slams her to the mat. Noble then applies a Dragon sleeper and gets her to tap. It’s not been a good night to be a lady thus far.

BL: I’ve seen better domestic disputes on COPS. This was not funny, entertaining, or action-oriented. What a lousy ending to what could have been a decent mid-card act. As bad as it was, I could have tolerated it had it not been for Michael Cole. It was insufferable listening to him fawn over Nidia and act as if she’s some great victim. He treated this like it was Liz and Randy, when clearly Nidia was just at fault in this storyline. Let’s please move on. DUD

- Josh Matthews, asks Kurt Angle to explain why he attacked John Cena and the Big Show last week. Cena enters, and in his wiggerish way, tells Angle that when he attacks someone, he does it face-to-face. He then proceeds to slap Angle and they get into a skirmish. Doing your attacking face-to-face is commendable John, but next time you may want to try something that will actually hurt the other person.

APA vs. The World’s Greatest Tag Team

Farooq and Shelton start off the match but don’t do anything particularly interesting. Bradshaw is tagged in and continues working over Shelton. Shelton hits Bradshaw in his right arm, (which the World’s Greatest Tag Team injured last week on Smackdown) which allows him to tag Haas. He can’t take advantage as Bradshaw goes back on offense. Farooq gives Haas some rough turnbuckle treatment. Farooq misses a charge and runs his left arm into the corner. The heels now begin to work over that arm. Farooq manages to hit Haas with a spinebuster and tags Bradshaw to no pop. Bradshaw comes in and dominates the heels. Bradshaw powerbombs Shelton and covers, but Haas breaks it up. On the floor, Haas whips Farooq into the post. Shelton goes up top, but Bradshaw grabs him and delivers a fallaway slam. Haas comes in to stop him, but Bradshaw nails him with a Clothesline from Hell. That hurts Bradshaw’s arm, which causes him to pause for a moment. Shelton takes advantage by superkicking him and covering for a 3 count.

BL: The World’s Greatest Tag Team tried their damndest to make this a legitimate match. Too bad they were hampered by time and weak opponents. This ended up being dreadfully dull and had the stench of filler. I’m glad though that the bookers had at least the good sense to have the heels go over here. *

- Flanked by security guards, Goldberg is shown heading to his front row seat. We then get a video package showing the brewing feud between Goldberg and Brock Lesnar and how ‘Stone Cold’ Steve Austin gave Goldberg a ticket for tonight’s show. I’m guessing it was a belated Hanukah present. Afterwards, Paul Heyman comes and tells Goldberg that he better just be a spectator or else he’ll have him thrown in jail. As he talks, Brock Lesnar comes out and begins to taunt Goldberg. Finally, the insults get to him and Goldberg enters the ring. Brock gets an initial attack, but Goldberg recovers and delivers a jackhammer. Heyman has seen enough and has security escort him out of the building and to jail. As Brock recovers, Hardcore Holly runs out looking to attack him, but he manages to escape and head to the back. All of that ends up leading us to…

Hardcore Holly vs. Rhyno

Holly meets Rhyno in the aisle and they duke it out. Their fight continues into the ring where Holly takes control. Rhyno charges at Holly, but he sidesteps him and throws him to the outside. They briefly brawl on the floor before heading back in. Rhyno begins to work over Holly’s mid-section. Rhyno drops Holly and then gives him some rough turnbuckle treatment. Both men go down after a mid-ring collision. The match is so boring, the announcers actually begin having a conversation with the Spanish announce team. A slugfest is won by Holly. A dropkick by Holly gets 2. Holly goes up top, but Rhyno catches him with a superplex. That gets 2. Rhyno delivers a spinebuster and then nails him with the Gore. Before Rhyno can cover, Holly rolls out of the ring. He then just makes it back in before 10. Then Holly somehow catches Rhyno with the Alabama Slam and pins him for 3.

BL: This was virtually like the tag match: really boring, pure filler, no crowd heat, etc. The only difference here was the wrong guy went over. Hence why this one gets ¾ *

- A video plays indicating the Undertaker returns in 28 days. Apparently, he needs more time to wash all of the dirt out of his hair.

Cruiserweight Championship Match: Rey Mysterio (champ) vs. Chavo Guerrero

Chavo, of course, is being accompanied by his father. To counter that, Rey has brought along a boxer named Jorge Paez. Apparently Paez’s gimmick is that he boxes with a dallop of chocolate frosting on his head. I don’t get it, but then again, I was never a boxing fan. We begin with both vying for control by working on the other’s arm. Chavo hits a snapmare and tries to remove Rey’s mask. Rey stops Chavo and dropkicks him to the floor. Rey hits a hurricanrana and then rolls Chavo up for 2. Chavo recovers by launching Rey into the air and dropping him to the mat. A slam by Chavo gets 2. Rey recovers and connects with the 619. As he goes to drop the dime, Chavo Senior yanks him to the floor. Paez comes over then and clocks Chavo Sr. The referee sees that and ejects Paez from ringside. As Chavo checks on his dad, Rey hits him with a springboard plancha. That gets a mild ‘Holy Shit’ chant to show how desperate the crowd is for something entertaining. Back inside, Rey delivers a top rope legdrop, but Chavo somehow kicks out at 2. A schoolboy by Rey gets another nearfall. Rey escapes a tornado DDT and joins Chavo up top. As they wrangle, Chavo manages to deliver a top rope gut buster. Chavo turns his focus to Rey’s midsection with an abdominal stretch. Now he puts Rey in a half crab. Rey tries to mount a comeback with a sunset flip for 2. However, Chavo is able to recover and goes back to working on Rey’s midsection. Rey hits a bulldog for 2. A hurricanrana by Rey sends Chavo’s shoulder into the post. The two fight on the apron and Rey connects with a DDT. That gets a nearfall. Chavo avoids a flying bodypress and then hits Rey with a forward suplex for 2. Rey connects with a moonsault and covers, but Chavo is able to get his foot on the rope before 3. A slugfest is won by Chavo. However, Rey comes back and hits another 619. Rey goes for a springboard senton, but Chavo rolls through it and puts Rey back into the half crab. Rey crawls and grabs the ropes. Rey goes up top, but Chavo Sr. shoves him off. Chavo quickly rolls him up, grabs the tights and keeps Rey down for 3.

BL: Clearly the best match of the night thus far, but still somewhat underwhelming. There just was never a real flow to the action. The action went back and forth too quickly without any real logic behind it. Chavo tried to work over the midsection, but that never really factored into the finish. And if you couldn’t tell that that was going to be the finish then I feel sorry for you because it seemed pretty obvious to me. The match also suffers from a dead crowd thanks to everything being terrible up to this point. ***

- Backstage, Josh Matthews gets Chavo’s thoughts on his big win (Conveniently right behind Eddie Guerrero’s lockerroom). Chavo basically just keeps repeating ad museum that he beat the odds and that Eddie is an addict and a loser. Yeah, we get the point. Thanks. Clearly, Chavo doesn’t share his uncle’s gift of gab.

Triple Threat Match for the #1 Contendership at Wrestlemania: Kurt Angle vs. John Cena vs. The Big Show

After Chris Benoit won the Rumble last month, he decided to fight for the World Heavyweight Championship and bolted to RAW leaving Smackdown without a #1 contender, prompting this match. Let’s see…two of these three men are currently involved in an unresolved feud over a secondary title. I wonder who will win this? After delivering an immature and unfunny rap, Cena is told by Show to stay in the corner and let the adults duke it out. Angle goes after Show, but Show just manhandles him. Angle sees Cena laughing at him, so he lets him give it a try. Show treats him in the same way. Now Cena and Angle come to blows. Angle hits Cena with an overhead belly-to-belly and gets 2. Angle knocks Cena out of the ring, which allows Show to work over Angle in the corner. A sidewalk slam by Show gets a nearfall. Angle takes a breather as Show beats down Cena. Show attempts to chokeslam Angle off the apron, but Cena breaks it up. Then Angle tries to German suplex Show off the apron and again Cena stops it. Finally, with the referee distracted, Angle just gives Show a low blow. Angle drags Cena outside and rams him into the steps. Back inside, Angle hits Cena with three German suplexes and covers, but Show returns to break it up. Show tosses Angle into the post, so that he can take on Cena one-on-one. A delayed suplex by Show gets a long 2 count. Show misses a charge in the corner and then Cena dropkicks him in the knee. Both Cena and Angle hit top rope moves on Show to knock him off his feet. Cena dumps Angle back out of the ring and then hits an FU on Show. Angle comes in again and tries for an Angle Slam, but Cena escapes and gives him a DDT. Cena covers Show, but he puts his foot on the ropes. Angle nails Show with an Angle Slam and gets a nearfall. Down come the straps, but here comes Cena, trying to give Angle the FU. Angle escapes and puts Cena in the ankle lock. Show chokeslams Angle, so Cena rolls up Show and gets a 2 count. Show chokeslams Cena and covers, but Angle pulls him off and applies the ankle lock. Show manages to shove Angle off. Then Cena hits Angle with a spinebuster and the Five Knuckle Shuffle. Cena attempts to FU Angle, but Show chopblocks him. Show then slams Cena’s injured knee into the corner. Angle comes over, grabs Show and gives him an Angle Slam over the top rope. Angle clips Cena in the knee and then applies the ankle lock. He quickly grapevines the leg and Cena has no choice but to tap. Angle is going to Wrestlemania!

BL: This one started off slow and was being really egregious about the whole ‘one man always rest, while the other two fight’. Things improved once everyone started hitting their big moves, but not enough to make this memorable. Having such a foregone conclusion also didn’t help matters here. Despite it being obvious, I’ll never complain about seeing Angle go over; especially when it involves seeing Cena tap out. We may never see that again in our lifetimes. Thank goodness for the magic of DVD to allow us to relive that moment. *** ¼

WWE Championship Match: Brock Lesnar (champ) vs. Eddie Guerrero

Eddie won a Smackdown Royal Rumble to earn this shot at the title. The two lockup and Brock clearly overpowers him to begin. Eddie elbows a charging Brock to give him his first chance at offense. Brock blocks a hurricanrana attempt, spins Eddie around and then just drops him to the mat. Brock delivers a pair of overhead belly-to-belly suplexes. With each move, Brock’s cockiness grows, believing Eddie can’t hang with him. Another belly-to-belly sends Eddie to the floor. Eddie keeps trying to re-enter, but Brock won’t let him. Finally Eddie drops Brock across the top rope. Eddie grabs Brock’s leg and repeatedly rams it into the post. However, he tries it once too many and Brock is able to ram Eddie into the post. Back inside, Brock puts Eddie on his shoulders and holds him there. Brock drops him and then gets a nearfall. Brock slows things down with a body scissors. Eddie escapes with a jawjack. Then he dropkicks Brock in the knee. However, Brock drops him with a big clothesline. Brock hits Eddie with a German suplex, that it looks like Eddie wasn’t ready for. Brock attempts a high knee in the corner, but Eddie moves and he ends up crashing his knee into the turnbuckle. As Brock tries to recover outside, Eddie hits him with a plancha. Back inside, Eddie goes after Brock’s knee. Just as he’s gaining momentum, Brock hits him with a hot shot. That gets 2. As Brock taunts him, Eddie puts him into a STF. Nice! Eddie keeps trying to go back after the knee, but Brock keeps shoving him off. Brock halts Eddie’s momentum with another belly-to-belly. Eddie hits Brock with a hurricanrana and then drops him again with another dropkick to the knee. Now Eddie puts Brock in a figure four leglock. After being in it for a while, Brock manages to get to the ropes. Eddie goes back to the STF, but again Brock is able to escape. Brock slows down Eddie with a German suplex. He follows that up with a spinebuster. He gets a couple nearfalls from that. Now Brock goes back to using the body scissors to wear down Eddie. Eddie escapes by dropping Brock across the turnbuckle. Eddie goes for a missile dropkick, but Brock avoids it. After delivering a suplex, Brock screams ‘just die Eddie, just die’. That’s a little uncomfortable to watch now. Brock continues to wear Eddie down with a bearhug. Eddie delivers a handful of headbutts to escape and follows it up with a hurricanrana. Eddie manages to connect with the Three Amigos. Eddie goes up and delivers the frog splash, but Brock moves out of the way. Brock nails Eddie with the F5, but the referee gets knocked out in the process. Brock grabs the title belt, but before he can use it Goldberg runs out and spears him. So much for the San Francisco Police Department. Eddie crawls over, covers and gets a very long two count. Eddie picks up the belt and tries to use it, but Brock ducks. Brock gets Eddie up for the F5, but Eddie reverses it into a tornado DDT onto the belt. Eddie then goes up and hits the frog splash. Eddie covers and gets the dramatic 3 count. New champion!

BL: Finally, I get something worth spending money to watch. This one naturally had a lot of drama and was also very well worked. I liked the story that was told in the ring. Michael Cole and Tazz also did a good job reinforcing it by illustrating how Eddie should have had no chance in this match, yet defied the odds. This was not a perfect match though. I thought a few minutes could have been shaved from it as some of their moves became repetitive. I also thought the Goldberg run-in tainted Eddie’s victory to a certain degree. There’s also the uneasy feeling you get now watching this match when you hear Brock tell Eddie to die and the announcers harping on Eddie’s past addictions. Still, this was an excellent match and a shining moment for Eddie and his fans. **** ¼

Final Thoughts: As good of a main event as we got here, it’s not enough to save this show. The first hour is filled with pointless, boring, and in some cases, downright bad matches. The quality began to improve with the cruiserweight and triple threat matches, but both were marred with obvious outcomes. The only thing worth seeing here is the main event and you can locate that match by itself on other DVDs. Even though this show established Smackdown’s main event for Wrestlemania, as a whole, it failed to properly keep us on the Road to Wrestlemania. My suggestion is to take a detour and skip this show completely.

Next time, it’s the granddaddy of ‘em all and you just might be one by the time this show actually finishes.

Until then, thanks for stopping by the OOld Tyme Rasslin Revue.