by Scott Keith  
TheSmarks.com/411Wrestling.com/OnlineOnslaught.com

- So moving right along, our next two contenders are videos from 1988, featuring what were at that time oddball gimmick matches.

Tape #1:  The WWF's Most Unusual Matches!

- Lumberjack match:  Greg Valentine v. Tito Santana.  Jesse Ventura gives us the history of the lumberjack match, dating back to the days of lumberjacks fighting in Northern Canada.  I just want to say for the record, as a resident of Northern Canada, I have never been involved in a lumberjack match.  I was once at a bar where two guys suddenly broke into a Russian Chain match and ran around trying to touch all four corners of the table, but I think that's a fluke occurrence more than anything.  Valentine attacks to start and hammers him down, but Tito wallops him down with a forearm shot and stomps a mudhole.  Valentine bails, and finds solace with the heels.  This of course annoys the fans.  Steamboat finally tosses him back in, and Tito gets an atomic drop and a kneelift that misses by 2 feet.  I mean, that wasn't even close.  Greg bails again and gets sent back in, where Tito continues hammering away in the corner.  Valentine atomic drops out of it, and we're clipped to Valentine taking a powder, prompting the faces to send him back in.  Clipped again to Tito hammering away and Valentine bailing  and getting tossed in.  Tito charges and hits knee in the corner, and Greg gets two.  Valentine tosses him and the heels send him back in, so out the other side he goes, and this time Valentine keeps pushing him out again, which prompts the faces to intervene and help Tito back in, gently.  Greg pounds away on the apron and drops a forearm off the second rope for two.  He goes to work on the leg, but Tito reverses the figure-four for two.  They slug it out, and Tito goes down like a load of bricks.  We're clipped to Tito making his comeback, and they slug it out again, and this time Valentine gets the worst of it and does a Flair Flop.  He tries to bail, but Santana pulls him in by the tights and gets a suplex for two.  Santana stomps him down and gets the figure-four, but Valentine shoves him off and bails.  The faces kick the crap out of him and put him back in, where Tito gives him a forearm shot and gets the figure-four.  The crowd goes INSANE.  Jimmy Hart distracts the ref, however, and the heels help Greg make the ropes.  Tito goes after John Studd, and gets nailed from behind by Valentine.  They slug it out, collide, and Valentine falls on top for the pin at 10:22.  Interesting finish to put the heel over clean and still make him look like a schmuck.  1 for 1.

- Indian strap match:  Greg Valentine v. Chief Jay Strongbow.  This is from1979.  Greg pounds away to start, even before the strap is attached.  He keeps hammering away in the corner and chokes him out.  Jesse Ventura doing straight play-by-play is interesting, to say the least.  Strongbow is busted open early, and Valentine goes right for the cut.  Jay does the wardance and fires back, and Valentine can't bail, for obvious reasons.  We're clipped to Valentine dropping an elbow, and pulling Strongbow in and out of the ring.  Jesse's heel bias starts to show here. Strongbow blocks another attempt to pull him out and they slug it out on the floor.  Valentine hits the post, and I bet he blades.  Back in, Valentine stomps him down and chokes him on the ropes.  Greg wraps the strap around his wrist and they exchange shots, which prompts the ref to get involved, and thus shoved away.  It's thrown out at 5:00.  Bleh.  1 for 2.  One huge fatass in the front row takes a shot at Valentine as they brawl on the floor, and Greg smacks him down.

- Texas Tornado match:  Roddy Piper & Bob Orton v. Jimmy Snuka & Junkyard Dog.   Haven't seen one of these in a while.  The heels get whipped into each other and JYD headbutts Piper into putty.  Snuka punches Orton right out of the ring, leaving the faces 2-on-1 with Piper.  Piper bails and brawls with Snuka on the floor, while Dog clotheslines Orton for two.  Snuka hits the post, and now the heels go to work on JYD in a handicap situation.  Piper gets two.  Snuka comes in to save JYD, but Dog gets tossed by Piper.  Snuka uses the old double noggin-knocker to hold off the heels, and Piper takes a powder.  Everyone is fighting on the floor, and back in Piper and Orton beat on Snuka.  It's DOUBLE CHINLOCKS.  We're thankfully clipped past the dueling restholds, and a double sleeper results.  Piper kicks Snuka in the gut while holding his own sleeper on JYD.  Now that's style.  Clipped to the eventual comeback, as the faces hold hands like the Wonder-Twins and use their powers to ram the heels together.  Snuka headbutts Piper down and JYD whips Orton into the corner, but the heels double-slam Snuka and Orton goes up.  An attempt to splash Snuka goes horribly wrong and Snuka sends Piper flying.  Dog pounds on Orton, but Piper trips him up from the outside and Orton gets the pin at 6:45.  This needed more insane violence and less double-sleepers.  1 for 3.

- Women's battle royale:  This is from the 60s, and you need a pin to eliminate someone. I can't recognize anyone, and it's thankfully clipped to the ending.  Winner here gets to challenge Fabulous Moolah for the title.  Jesse notes that "Yes, she was champion back then, too."  Really bad, ugly, messed-up finish sees various people pinning various other people multiple times because they keep screwing up a slingshot-into-sunset flip situation.  1 for 4.

- Battle royale:  From MSG in the early 80s.  We're got Sika, Jose Luis Rivera, Butcher Vachon, Antonio Inoki (!), Tony Garea, Jay Strongbow, Afa, Steve Lombardi, Dick Murdoch, Bob Orton, Adrian Adonis, Rene Goulet, Ron Shaw, Charlie Fulton, Terry Daniels, Iron Sheik, Tito Santana, Paul Orndorff, Sgt. Slaughter and Samu.  Usual schmoz to start and we're clipped  to a point where some of the dead weight has been tossed.  Adonis gets crotched and Inoki uses an enzuigiri to put him over the top.  The Samoans work Murdoch over in the corner and put him out, as well as Sarge. Inoki tosses Santana and slugs it out with Samu in a weird bit.  Samu charges and goes out as a result.  Orton misses an elbow on Inoki, and an enzuigiri puts him out.  So we're down to Inoki, Goulet, Ron Shaw and Garea.  Holy star power, Batman!  Garea goes out, leaving Inoki to face off against the awesome tag team of Goulet & Shaw.  Sadly, heel miscommunication puts both guys out and Inoki wins at 6:18.  Geez, even I could win a battle royale against Rene Goulet.  1 for 5.

- Cage match:  Don Muraco v. Jimmy Snuka.  This is the famous match, which oddly enough was on "Inside the Steel Cage", but only the finish.  Snuka pounds him down to start and Muraco backs off.  Pat Patterson's commentary is so insightful that I can feel my IQ rising 10 points just by watching this match.  Sample:  "In dis type of match, da winner can be da loser."  Snuka rams Muraco into the turnbuckle to take over and he chops away.  Muraco goes low and catapults Snuka into the cage.  Snuka is busted open and Muraco works him over via the cage.  He charges and hits knee, however.  Jimmy goes up, but Muraco follows him up.and gets crotched.  Snuka tries to climb down again, but Muraco pounds away and slams him off the top.  Not sure why he didn't just climb out.  Muraco goes for the door, but Snuka stops him.  Muraco goes low again, but Snuka whips him into the corner and sends him into the cage.  Muraco starts bleeding.  Snuka goes up and drops a fist.  He pounds away and hits a running headbutt, and Muraco falls out at 6:41.  I gotta say, as a match it was grossly disappointing.  However, Snuka beats the crap out of him and splashes him off the top of the cage to save the point.  Mick Foley was ringside for this, of course.  Muraco sells it like he's Snuka's girlfriend.  2 for 6.

- Jimmy Snuka & Arnold Skaaland v. Don Muraco & Lou Albano.  The match that.well.no one wanted to see.  Clipped to Skaaland working a headlock on Muraco and getting a small package for two.  Snuka comes in and has a long staredown with Muraco.  Don was starting to get into his Fat Beach Bum period here.  Muraco works a headlock and they criss-cross, with Snuka getting a headbutt for two.  We hit the chinlock, and Snuka forces Albano in.  Snuka pounds on the Captain, but Lou goes low and Snuka gets caught in the heel corner.  Muraco knees Snuka down and Albano keeps hammering away.  Muraco comes back in with a kneelift and stomps away.  Muraco seems to be finding lower and lower gears to shift into as the match goes on.  Most of his offense consists of smirking.   Snuka finally makes the comeback, but gets dropkicked into Albano.  Heel miscommunication allows the hot tag (I think) , and Snuka (not even the legal man?) hits Muraco with the flying bodypress for the pin at 8:12.  Where's the Island Boyz to beat up Snuka when you need them?  2 for 7.

- Haystacks Calhoun, Larry Zbyszko & Peter Maivia v. Moose Munroe, Strong Kobayashi & Butcher Vachon.  Calhoun splashes and pins Munroe about a minute into his squash.  2 for 8.

- Mr. Fuji, Ray Stevens, Don Muraco, Buddy Rose & Billy Graham v. Rocky Johnson, Salvatore Bellomo, Jimmy Snuka, Pedro Morales & Andre the Giant.  This is best 3 out of 5 falls.  JIP a few minutes in, as Rocky hits everyone with armdrags.  Morales works Muraco over, and Andre comes in with a big boot that sends Muraco to the floor in a dramatic bump.  Back in, they do a criss-cross and Muraco runs into Andre's butt and gets the worst of it.  Clipped to Muraco airplane-spinning Bellomo, but he gets dizzy and Sal falls on top for two.  Cute.  Rose tries the same on Sal, but keeps his balance.  Fuji and Stevens work him over, but Snuka tags in.  He pounds away and Muraco tags in.  We're clipped to Bellomo dropkicking Fuji, but Fuji gets a belly to belly for the pin at 5:14.  Fall #2:  Fuji keeps working Sal over, but Snuka dropkicks them over and Sal gets the pin at 6:00 to even it up 1-1.  Fall #3:  Rose can't stop Sal from tagging Snuka, who gets a sunset flip for the pin at 7:35 to put the faces up 2-1.  Fall #4:  Rose works a headlock on Snuka, and they criss-cross into a chop from Snuka.  Andre comes in and kicks the crap out of Rose, but Fuji comes in and gets a martial arts shot that puts Andre in some difficulty.  Muraco goes up and gets slammed off, and Andre pounds on Rose and hits a big boot and buttdrop for the pin to finish at 10:25.  Nothing of note here.  2 for 9.

The Bottom Line:  Aside from the opener and the historic cage match, this is an USUALLY bad tape.  Ha, I kill me.

Tape #2:  Even MORE WWF's Most Unusual Matches.

- Hosted by Craig DeGeorge & Johnny V.

- Lumberjack match:  Randy Savage v. Bruno Sammartino.  Savage does the old Pearl Harbor job, but gets tossed by Bruno and sent back in.  Bruno gets another shot in and Savage bails, but again gets sent in.  Bruno pounds him, and Savage runs again, and the faces send him back in.  Bruno keeps ramming him into the corner, but Savage pulls out an international object and puts Bruno down.  You of course never see the object, which is classic Memphis heel stuff.  Savage chokes away and tosses Bruno, which allows the heels to get their shots in.  Back in, hits the flying axehandle from like ¾ of the way across the ring for two.  Elbow gets two.  They collide and Bruno falls out, but fights off the heels and makes the comeback.  Back in, Bruno gets the bearhug, but Bundy runs in for the DQ at 4:05.  Mostly running away.  0 for1.

- Tag team battle royale:  If you get tossed, so does your partner.  Remember when they had enough teams to do this sort of thing?  Bret Hart & Dynamite Kid both get tossed, eliminating the Bulldogs and the Harts.  Jim Brunzell actually gets some offense on Studd, and the Machines beat on Beefcake in the corner.  The Islanders go after Super Machine and the Rougeaus work over Bundy.  Brunzell gets tossed to put the Bees out.  Studd dumps Jacque to put the Rougeaus out.  Tama pounds on Valentine in the corner as we're down to four teams.  Beefcake gets booted out by a Machine, so the Dream Team is gone.  Big Machine can't slam John Studd, and he gets tossed as a result.  So we've got Islanders v. Studd & Bundy left.  Bundy destroys Tama with an avalanche and the heels pound on Haku, but Bundy accidentally puts Studd out at 5:12 to give the Islanders the win.  This was pretty fun.  1 for 2.

- Texas Death Match:  Hulk Hogan v. Harley Race.  Race attacks and gets dumped.  You know it's serious because Finkel instructs fans at ringside to "vacate the area or remain at your own risk".  Race & Hogan brawl outside and back into the ring, where Hogan clotheslines him with his t-shirt and chokes him out.  Hogan has the white tights tonight, which usually indicates a bladejob.  Race bails, so Hogan follows and continues choking him out with the shirt.  What a sportsman.  He chokes out Race with the tape and breaks a chair over his head in a neat visual.  Yes, the steel chair actually broke over Race's head.  Back in, Race goes low and pounds away to take over.  Piledriver gets two.  Race headbutts him down and drops one, and Hogan bails onto the announce table.  Back in, gutwrench suplex gets two.  Hogan comes back and sends Race flying over the top via the corner.  They brawl at ringside and Hogan chases the Brain, but that allows Race to hit him from behind and send him into the post.  Race uses a chair to "belabor" Hogan, in Alfred Hayes' words.  Race tries a headbutt on the floor, but misses and hits the concrete.  Ouch.  Back in, Hogan gets the big boot and Race does a dramatic bump off it.  Atomic drop and clothesline put Race on the floor, and Hogan sends him into the post.  They fight up the aisle and Hogan pounds away, but Race hits him with another chair to take over.  Back in, Race grabs the belt and nails Hogan with it, but headbutts the belt by mistake.  Hogan hulks up, hits Race with the title, and gets the pin at 9:56.  Really good brawl.  2 for 3.

- Texas Death REMATCH:  Hulk Hogan v. Harley Race.  From Boston, Hogan dumps Race to start and beats on him outside.  Atomic drop on the floor and Hogan uses the tape to choke, but Race goes low to stop him.  He drops a knee on the floor and headbutts Hogan.  Back in, piledriver and kneedrop put Race firmly in control, as he gets two.  Hogan bails to recover but gets pounded on the floor.  Back in, gutwrench suplex gets two.  Race goes up and drops an elbow, and a kneedrop gets two.  Hogan blocks a suplex and gets his own, and now he means business.  Clothesline with the shirt and Hogan chokes away.  Hogan punches him right over the top and goes after Bobby, but gets sent into the post by Race.  They fight up the aisle and Race tears down the entrance curtain and uses it as a weapon.  Race headbutts him from the apron and they head back in, where Race uses the belt and goes up.  Headbutt misses, and Hogan hulks up, hits him with the belt and gets the pin at 9:45.  Exact same match, so no point.  2 for 4.

- Chain match:  Hercules v. Billy Jack Haynes.  Haynes slugs away, but gets hit with a fistful of chain and choked out.  Another shot with the chain and Haynes starts bleeding.  Punch, punch.  A clothesline with the chain and more stalling follows.  Herc whips him with the chain and keeps punching away, and tosses him.  More stalling results.  Haynes uses the chain to go low and pulls Hercules out of the ring with him, and they fight out there.  Back in, Haynes comes back and hammers away.  He goes up and drops a fistful of chain on Herc, setting up the full nelson.  Herc reverses him into the corner, puts his feet on the ropes, and gets the pin at 8:45.  Brutal.  2 for 5.

- The Glamour Girls v. Candice Pardue & Penny Mitchell.  Leilani Kai misses a splash on Pardue, but works her over on the mat for a bit.  Pardue goes for the leg, and the partners keep reversing a leglock in a cute spot.  Mitchell comes in and legdrops Kai, staying on the leg.  Kai takes her down, but gets caught in a body scissors.  Mitchell takes her down and stays on the leg.  Judy Martin tags in, but the heels get dominated by Mitchell, and Martin is caught in the wrong corner.  Martin charges and hits boot, but Pardue misses a dropkick before coming back with another one.  The heels clothesline each other during a donnybrook, and Pardue gets two on Martin.  Elbow gets two.  Flying headscissors is reversed to a backdrop, however.  Martin hairtosses her to take over.  Kai gets a Northern Lights suplex for two.  The heels work Pardue over in the corner with standard stuff and Kai gets two.  Crowd totally turns on the match as a result.  Either that or they're really excited to see someone named "Boring".  Pardue gets a sunset flip for two.  Heel miscommunication allows the hot tag to Penny Mitchell.  Slam on Kai gets two.  A forward fireman's carry drop gets two.  Weird move.  Martin powerbombs Mitchell for the pin at 9:42.  Major snoozer.  2 for 6.

- Spotlight on the animals of the WWF.  Such luminaries as Damian, Frankie, Steamboat's Kimono dragon and Matilda are profiled.

- Hulk Hogan & Billy Jack Haynes v. The Hart Foundation & Danny Davis.  The handicap aspect would the unusual part here.  Neidhart starts with Haynes, but Hogan wants in.  Hogan fights off the Harts and they bail.  Back in, Bret Hart decides to try, and Hogan works on his arm.  Haynes keeps on it and some exciting wristlocks follow.  Billy Jack gets an atomic drop and an elbow for two.  Neidhart breaks it up and tags in, getting a clothesline and a hairtoss.  The Harts get the Demolition elbowdrop and Haynes is YOUR Oregonian-in-Peril.  Bret gets a backbreaker and Davis finally tags in, kicks him down a couple of times, and tags out.  The Harts get an elbow and Neidhart hits the bearhug.  False tag behind the ref's back, and Haynes collides with Bret.  Hot tag to Hogan, and he gets a corner clothesline on Neidhart and an atomic drop.  Big boot and legdrop finish at 9:05.  Pretty anemic stuff.  2 for 7.

- Bunkhouse Battle Royale:  This is a come-as-you-are type thing.  It's also mildly famous because of Lanny Poffo wearing a suit of armor to the ring.  Now THAT'S strategy.  Neidhart and Fuji are both tossed early on. Hillbilly Jim pounds on Bundy in the corner (Bundy is stylishly dressed), and both Spivey and Poffo go over the top via Muraco.  Everyone goes after Bundy (due to fashion jealousy, I think), but he fights them off.  Scotty McGee gets dumped by Valentine and carried out on a stretcher.  Beefcake gets tossed off-camera.  Camerawork is terrible here, using only a wide shot with occasional cuts to the floor.  Blackjack Mulligan sends Jimmy Jack Funk out, Haku dumps Orton, and someone else goes out who is never identified.  Bundy dumps Hillbilly Jim.  The Duke of Dorchester is admirably hanging on.  Sika and Valentine are both tossed by Mulligan, but Rotundo and Haku follow soon after.  Tama goes via Bundy next.  Muraco gets flipped out by Kirscher, leaving the Corporal, the Duke, Bundy and Mulligan.  Doherty dumps the Corporal and he and Bundy work over Mulligan.  He stupidly goes up on Bundy's advice and gets dumped.  Funny stuff.  That leaves Mulligan and Bundy, but the Duke comes back in with a chair and nails Bundy to get revenge.  Mulligan dumps Bundy to win at 7:41.  Cute finish.  3 for 8.

And finally.MIDGET MADNESS.  I don't recap midget matches anymore.  3 for 9.

The Bottom Line #2:  A decent Hogan-Race brawl and a couple of liberal points for battle royales do not a worthwhile tape make.  Take a pass on this stinker.

The Bottom Bottom Line:  Well, better luck next time, I guess.

Next time:  Jake "The Snake" Roberts and The Best of Bret Hart close out our little series.

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