- Opening match:  The Un-Americans v. Booker T, Goldust, Kane & Bubba Dudley.  Goldust starts out with Christian, and gets a butt-butt for two. Bubba tags in and we get a double flip-flop-and-fly.  Bubba sets up Lance in the Tree of Woe (nearly dropping him on his head), and the faces do some fast tags and beat on Test.  Sidekick gets two for Booker.  JR notes that all the Un-Americans have been IC champion.  Yeah, for like a WEEK combined.  Bubba & Booker do their version of the Wazzup Drop on Regal and Booker is sent to get the tables, which JR declares to be everything good about America.  I'll think about that next time I sit down at a table.  The All- American Table is dropkicked into Booker's face, however, and Test hammers on him in the corner.  So are the tables traitorous turncoats now in JR-World?  Regal slugs away on Booker for two.  Suplex gets two. Christian hits the chinlock and gets a kneelift for two.  Booker comes back with a sunset flip for two.  MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER and he makes the hot tag to Kane.  He's a HOSS AFIRE.  Literally.  And you thought I couldn't work that joke in.  Kane gets a tilt-a-whirl on Christian for two, and it's BONZO GONZO.  Kane fights off various Canadians, but gets pumphandled by Test.  Booker hits Test with an axe kick and a spinarooni, but Christian DDTs him.  Kane fights off the champs, but Christian goes low and Stormkick gets two.  Booker sidekicks Storm and fights off Christian again, but crotches himself.  Christian dumps him, but gets hit with a BubbaBomb.  Goldust adds the Shattered Nuts, but walks into the Rockette Kick from Test.  Kane nails HIM with the flying clothesline, chokeslams Storm, and that's it at 9:59.  God forbid Booker goes over, but I'm always a sucker for those "18 people hit finishers in 2 minutes" sequences during 8-man tags.  **3/4

- Intercontinental title:  Chris Jericho v. Ric Flair.  Two questions:  1)  Why does the on-screen graphic for the IC belt have the new "WW" symbol, but the actual belt is still the older WWF symbol?  2)  How long is Jericho's beard going to get before he cuts it?  Is he auditioning for ZZ Top or just turning Amish?  Okay, that's three, but the second was a two-parter.  And what's with Flair's total lack of fashion sense tonight?  Black tights and PURPLE boots?  If there was one thing you could always count on with Flair, it was matching ring attire.  Now all my dreams are shattered.  They slug it out to start and Flair goes for the figure-four early, but Flair ends up on the floor.  Jericho nails him with a springboard dropkick as Lawler gives a speech about veterans stepping aside for youth. Funny, I bet Undertaker wasn't listening.  Jericho gets a missile dropkick for two.  Jericho chokes him out and stalls, leading to an abdominal stretch, which Flair escapes.  He chops away, but Jericho goes to the eyes and Flair yet again can't pull off a proper Flair Flip.  Jericho goes over the top and meets the post, and back in Flair drops the knee and goes to the middle for another one.  Man, he's feeling energetic tonight.  That gets two.  See, now if he'd just stay on the MIDDLE rope and not go to the top, he'd never get slammed off. Kneecrusher sets up the figure-four, but Jericho cradles for two.  He comes back with an elbow, but the Lionsault misses, and Jericho "blows out" his knee.  See, now the Kevin Nash Precedent teaches us that if the ref doesn't make the "x" sign, it's a work.  Jericho pleads for time, which Ric Flair would NEVER fall for, and after extended stalling, he pops up and puts Flair in the Walls for the submission at 6:17.  Well, despite the finish being COMPLETELY out of character for the Dirtiest Player in the Game and the match itself being horribly rushed, this was good for what it was.  **1/2

- Edge v. Eddy Guerrero.  Eddy stalls for a bit and then gets a quick rollup for one.  He lures Edge into a chase and stomps him down, but gets backdropped and flapjacked.  They slug it out and Edge gets a powerslam for two.  Suplex gets two.  He runs into an elbow, however, and gets SPIKED by Eddy with a tornado DDT.  That one makes me go "OUCH" every time I see it.  Eddy goes after the neck with a vertical suplex for two. Into a really nasty full-nelson submission on the mat, but Edge kicks out of it.  Eddy hits him with a backdrop suplex for two, and into a front facelock. I missed the psychology here first time through.  Edge fights out, and runs into an elbow to cut off the comeback.  Eddy stomps him down (as Cole is actually right on top of the psychology for once) and continues working on the injured head.  Edge slugs him out of nowhere to end the onslaught, and we get the double KO spot.  Edge is up first, but runs into the corner and knocks himself silly again.  Eddy pounds the head again until Edge is down. This is AWESOME.  Eddy "apologizes" to the ref, and gets rolled up for two.  Cradle gets two.  Neckbreaker, but that hurts himself.  Eddy keeps slugging him, but Edge comes back with an atomic drop and faceplant, as the crowd seems to be cheering EDDY.  Eddy tries a brainbuster, but it's reversed to the Edge-O-Matic for two.  Eddy hits him with a jawbreaker to put Edge on Strange Street again, but Edge counters a ropewalk with a powerbomb for two.  Tazz thinks the tank is empty now.  Edge does a great job of selling the concussion, and puts Eddy into the corner, but misses the spear.  He gets the Implant DDT, for two.  Edge goes up, but puts the "miss" in "missile dropkick".  He spears Eddy in the corner and puts him on top, but the tank is indeed on E, and he falls victim to the MurderDeathKill powerbomb (onto the head) to give Eddy the pin at 11:54.  I totally would have short-changed that match on first viewing.  ****  Major kudos to Edge for fixing the goofy psychology of their last match and actually working a finish where the injured body part figures in the finish.  Super neato peachy keen goodness all around.

- Billy & Chuck v. Jamal & Rosey.  And god forbid we go a week without seeing the wedding angle recapped AGAIN.  You always know when Vince thinks he has a brilliant idea because you'll see it in video package form for the next 6 weeks.  I think, and not just because I enjoy pimping CanCon, that Billy & Chuck should start using "Heterosexual Man" by The Odds as their new theme music.  It has that perfect amount of WWE subtlety, i.e., none.  Big brawl to start and Chuck starts with Rosey, but gets popped by Rico.  Rosey gets a sick backdrop suplex right on Chuck's head and hammers away.  Jamal comes in and punts Chuck in the face, and Rosey slams him for two.  I like that Jamal has his name on the back of his jersey, because lord knows I couldn't be motivated to tell them apart otherwise.  All samoans should wear nametags when they wrestle, listing name, birthdate, immediate relations, and whether they're descended from Afa or Sika.  The beating on Chuck continues in thoroughly unspectacular fashion (yeah, I can see why THESE guys got a job and Shannon Moore is stuck on Velocity) while Michael Cole fills JR's usual job of talking about football careers.  It's just not the same.  Rosey misses the FAT GUY OUTTA CONTROL moonsault, hot tag Billy.  Whew, the end is near.  Billy's a HETEROSEXUAL AFIRE!  He then makes the classic mistake of trying a double noggin knocker on a pair of samoans (has 100 years of wrestling history taught us nothing?) , and gets nailed with a flapjack.  Chuck superkicks Rosey, and Billy gives Jamal the Dumbasser, but goes after Rico instead of doing something useful and gets caught in the double-team samoan drop for the pin at 6:38.  Why does turning babyface necessitate the IQ dropping 50 points? *

- Fake World title:  HHH v. Rob Van Dam. Rob grabs a headlock to start. JR notes that RVD "may be" the quicker of the two.  Yeah, and the Empire State Building "may be" taller than Billy Barty.  They do some intense psychological staring down and HHH goes for the arm and they work off a headlock.  They slap each other and HHH acts like it's a violation of the sacred Bushido honor code.  Another criss-cross goes nowhere, as Rob goes back to the headlock.  Okay, this isn't Japan, I'm not fooled by this nonsense, it ain't going anywhere, so get on with it.  Rob calls for time and does his water-spewing exhibition.  And that's a SHOOT, brutha!  Back to the headlock.  HHH uses the knee to take over (ah, the good old days), but Rob rolls him up for two.  They do a rather poor bridge/backslide spot, and Rob spinkicks him for two.  Back to the headlock.  ENOUGH with the headlock.  No one in North America cares about a headlock and in this case it's just filling time, so GET ON WITH IT.  Rob hits him with another spinkick and HHH bails, but smartly sidesteps a hilo dive, and Rob splats on the floor.  HHH drags him in and out again, and gives him a little STEEL in his diet via the stairs.  Funny RVD-related story while I'm bored:  Down in California this weekend, there was a guy who went through a KFC drive- thru and ordered "extra biscuits" with his order.  He opened up the bag and found something like 10 grams of pot in there, as it turns out that the guy running the drive-thru that night was dealing out of there, and "extra biscuits" was his codeword for a dime bag.  So from now on if I refer to someone as "ordering extra biscuits", you'll know what I think their problem is.  For example, Jeff Hardy obviously ordered extra biscuits before his match with HHH on RAW last week.  Anyway, Rob gets a rollup for two, but HHH comes back with a neckbreaker for two.  They brawl out and HHH gets the advantage, and back in a high knee gets two.  This is quite pedestrian.  HHH goes up and gets slammed off, but gets caught in the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER OF DOOM.  Man, if Jeff Hardy and Spike Dudley can lose to that, what chance does Rob have?  Well, he escapes, and does some flips and stuff, and a handspring moonsault gets two.  Monkey- flip and Rob flips some more and gets Rolling Thunder for two.  HHH bails and gets hit with a pescado as a result.  Back in, missile dropkick gets two. HHH hits him with a facebuster, but the ref is bumped.  Oh, goodie.  Rob gets his visual pinfall so that HHH can claim that he's putting over the new talent, and the frog splash also gets bubkus because there's no ref.  HHH goes low as everyone awaits the inevitable Flair run-in, and he retrieves his trusty Sledgehammer of Plot.  And hey, here's a shock, it's Flair, and hey, here's another shock, he turns on RVD (despite having no affiliation with him prior to this), and HHH gets to retain the title at 18:19.  So Rob gets to job his title to Jericho via submission (thus looking like a weak challenger) leading up to this match, with HHH's help of course, and loses the title match with Flair's help, who HHH previously emasculated on RAW for being useless and washed up.  Winner:  HHH.  Losers:  Everyone else.  Ah, politics.  Match was slow and pedestrian and I'm not sure where some other people are getting "good match" from this.  It was mainly Rob doing his flips and flops and HHH doing his sleepers.  **1/4 

- Women's title:  Molly Holly v. Trish Stratus.  When WAS the last time Molly actually defended that title?  She must be running neck-and-neck with Jamie Noble in terms of ignoring the title.  Trish gets some armdrags and a dropkick to start, and a neckbreaker gets two.  She misses an elbowdrop and Molly suplexes her for two.  Molly dumps her and beats on her outside, and back in gets a straightjacket sleeper.  Trish escapes, but gets dropkicked down again.  Trish cradles for two.  Rollup gets two.  Molly drops her on the bottom rope and tries a sideslam, but Trish bulldogs her for two.  Kawada Kick gets two.  Charge hits boot and Molly goes up, but gets crotched.  She blocks the handstand rana, however, and hangs Trish in the Tree of Woe. Molly gives her a handspring elbow for two.  Trish gets a Rube Goldberg bulldog for the pin and the title at 5:46.  As if anyone cares about the belt anymore.  *1/2

- Kurt Angle v. Chris Benoit.  Let's see if it holds up another time.  Long lockup to start, and they carry it right out of the ring and back in.  Angle takes him down and they do some actual mat-wrestling, jockeying for submissions, and Angle decides to go for the ropes.  Angle shoots for the takedown and rides Benoit on the mat, but can't get the anklelock before Benoit makes the ropes.  Angle goes for the arm with a hammerlock and they turn it into ANOTHER mat-wrestling sequence before Angle goes to the headlock and it leads to a pinfall reversal sequence and the crossface by Benoit.  Awesome.  Angle makes the ropes and bails, and the crowd shows love for the match.  Back in, Angle goes the cheap route and dumps Benoit, and pounds away on the floor.  Back in, backbreaker gets two.  Security throws a guy out, so Angle goes to a bodyscissors while the crowd gets it out of their system.  Benoit breaks, but walks into a kneelift and goes down again.  Angle pounds away in the corner, but misses a charge and Benoit is more than happy to give him a free ride to the other post.  Backdrop suplex gets two.  Benoit short-arms him as Cole & Tazz actually get a nice patter going ("Chris Benoit has like 0% body fat", Cole notes.  "I used to have that."  Tazz replies.  "What, when you were two?"  BURN!) .  Benoit blocks a suplex, but Angle overpowers him and gets it anyway.  Benoit snaps off the rolling germans out of nowhere, but Angle reverses and gets his own pair of suplexes, which Benoit reverses AGAIN and gets another one, which Angle reverses and gets another pair before finishing with a third and getting a nice round of applause.  KICK WHAM ANGLE SLAM is countered by an insane german suplex by Benoit, and he goes up.  Angle hits him with the Pop-Up Superplex for two (nice bit of goldbricking from Kurt).  Benoit rolls him up for two.  Angle takes him down into the anklelock, but Benoit kicks out of it, and they do a tombstone reversal sequence, which Benoit turns into a shoulderbreaker.  Nice.  He heads up (nice to see he's not doing anything stupid like taking unneeded neck bumps...sigh...) and hits the flying headbutt for two.  Crossface in the middle and the crowd is INTO it.  Angle then grabs an anklelock, while IN THE CROSSFACE, and they go into an awesome submission reversal sequence that I've never seen done before.  Angle ends up with the anklelock, but Benoit makes the ropes, so Angle puts him in an Angle crossface!  Benoit goes for the ropes, so Angle uses his foot to push the ropes away (an extra 1/2* right there), and they do a rollup reversal that ends with Benoit on top, using the ropes for the pin at 13:55.  This was CLEARLY the WWE match of the year.  Just filled with cool mat-wrestling and submission stuff you don't ever see out of anyone else.  ****1/2

- If the show ended here, it's the second-best PPV of the year after Summerslam.  But it doesn't...

- Bischoff and his lesbians come out for some HLA with Stephanie, doing what is BARELY a tease before "changing his mind" and bringing out his own "fat ugly lesbo" to finish the job.  This "woman" is clearly Rikishi in drag, because god knows if one Scooby-Doo inspired angle worked, we need 16 more.  Rikishi of course turns on Bischoff, gives him the Stinkface, and Steph triumphs again.  Now, your logic holes:

1)  Stephanie dances like Elaine Benes.  Had to get that one out of the way first.

2)  A fat guy rubbing his ass in Bischoff's face can in no way be construed as a better payoff than a lesbian three-way, unless you're Jeff Hardy.

3)  Here's the big one:  In order for Stephanie's brilliant plan to make the least bit of sense, we have to assume that she knew Billy & Chuck would lose.  Further, we have to assume she knew Bischoff would be bringing his own lesbians.  Further, we have to assume she knew Bischoff would change his mind and decide to use a fat ugly lesbian instead.  Further, she would then have to go to Rikishi and convince him to dress in drag on the off- chance that the above things happened.  Further, she would have to hope that no one noticed Rikishi arriving and disappearing, or no one noticed a fat ugly she-male arriving for no reason in particular.  She would also have to hope that Bischoff was dumb enough to not recognize his ringer as Rikishi.

Add it all up, and you have one bad fucking angle.

- Disputed World title:  Brock Lesnar v. Undertaker.  They do a shoving match to start and Taker wins the Hulk Hogan Memorial Lockup Battle. Lesnar grabs a headlock, and walks into a hiptoss and gets dumped.  Brock pounds away back in, but gets armdragged and UT works on the arm. Brock hammers away again, but runs into a boot and gets hit with the flying clothesline for two.  ROPEWALK OF DOOM, but Taker goes after Heyman, and Lesnar spears him into the corner.  Weak.  Suplex gets two. Brock works on the ribs (good luck getting him to sell it) and gets two. Maybe he should work on the nutsack so that Undertaker can't procreate anymore of his no-selling demon spawn.  Taker fights back, but gets powerslammed for two.  Brock goes to the BEARHUG OF DEATH, and I go to the bathroom.  Taker escapes and pounds away, including a punch that clearly misses by a FOOT and still sends Lesnar flying out of the ring, but Lesnar comes back with a beltshot that also misses by a foot and yet knocks Undertaker unconscious.  So I guess they're even.  Taker does the wussiest of all wussy bladejobs, and Brock gets two.  He works the cut, but of course Taker fights back.  Corner clotheslines and big boot get two.  Snake Eyes and another big boot get two.  I thought Nash was injured?  Ref gets wiped out and Undertaker gets the chokeslam to show that indeed he has the biggest penis.  Matt Hardy does the useless run-in and gets killed, but Lesnar gets the MAIN EVENT SPINEBUSTER for two.  Taker gets a DDT for two.  Ref gets bumped for a second time, and everyone is out.  Paul gives Brock a chair, but since Undertaker has the bigger penis, he prevents it from being used and chairshots Brock himself.  Brock goes flying out of the ring again and Heyman gets beat up again.  Back in, Taker pounds away and gets his FOURTH big boot of the match, and a legdrop for two.  Brock comes back with the F5, but Taker of course blocks it, and they fight to a DDQ at 20:23, which promptly gets booed out of the building.  Undertaker of course beats up Brock after the match, too.  An okayish match with a ridiculously overbooked non-finish that may have killed the city for a while. *1/2    Meltzer's interpretation of the backstage controversy afterwards seems to suggest that Undertaker refused to do the job.  I know, I'm shocked too.  Obviously those Rock and Hogan guys just aren't as big of a star as Undertaker and don't understand the need to protect young talent, such as Undertaker.

The Bottom Line:  A perfectly enjoyable PPV up until the Fatal Forty-Five Minutes killed it almost dead for me.  Still, two ****+ matches on the same show is nothing to sneeze at, even though I can help feel that neither one means anything in the long run.

I'm gonna go thumbs in the middle, leaning up, and recommend you stop the tape after Benoit-Angle.

E-MAIL SCOTT   
BROWSE THE RANT ARCHIVES