WWE SATURDAY NIGHT BLOCK RECAPS
At Least, SOMEbody Squashed
(Johnny) Xavier....
March 10, 2003

by Murray Speer
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Anyway, as I write this, team Alberta is starting the final game of this year’s Canadian men’s curling championship.  The reason I mention it is that despite the depth of the field, hometown boy Randy Ferbey has led his team through the tournament in a twelve game undefeated streak, and it will take a miracle for them to lose the game this afternoon.  Of interest to wrestling fans is that the game is in Halifax, and Ferbey faces local hero Mark Dacey and the first Nova Scotia team to ever make it to the final.  Earlier in the week, Dacey gave some big talk about how he was going to show Ferbey that he doesn’t have the best team in the world, and then promptly lost to him.  Ferbey then called Dacey a rookie, and said that he hoped Dacey learned a lesson about flapping his gums.  Anyway, long story longer, Ferbey has huge heel heat with both the live and television crowds and as a wrestling fan I find that fascinating.  I wonder if they’re just working the audience to increase ratings?  Anyway, go team Alberta!  Hurry hard, guys.

Velocity!!!  As-if-live on TNTNN!

Your hosts are Josh “Al Snow loves Maven more than me” Matthews and Ernest “The Cat Pity da Fool” Miller.

Josh has a collection of Post-It Note reminders on his desk, and two of them read:  “Wrestlemania is coming early!” and “The FBI is a force to be reckoned with!”.

TONIGHT:  Dawn Marie faces Nidia in a massive battle of the tramps!

ALSO TONIGHT:  Cat possibly spoils the announcements of as many as two (2) yet-to-be-named Wrestlemania matches!

Nunzio (Queens, 201 lbs, with Chuck “I’m not Italian so I’ll just pretend very badly” Palumbo, Johhny “Da Bull” Stamboli, and Cat’s Mom Says Velocity is TV’s Number One Show) vs. Funaki (Japan, 208 lbs, Smackdown’s Number One Announcer)

Your third man in the ring is Mr. Brian “Why don’t I get to have an evil twin?” Hebner.

Nunzio offers a hand shake to start, and Funaki falls for it.  But wait!  Funaki smelled the trap and counters with a kick to the gut.  Nunzio uses a waistlock takeover to put them into a reasonably impressive mat wrestling sequence.  Nunzio gets a roll-up for two.

Josh:  Cat, the script says we’re supposed to be shilling Rikishi right now!
Cat:  Shit, I forgot, okay, ummm… Rikishi’s really mad at the FBI.
Josh:  That’s right, Cat!

Funaki with an armdrag, and then delivering some chops and kicks in the corner.  Nunzio with an Italian whip across the ring, and runs into a back elbow.  Down on the mat, Funaki gets the dominant position and beats up on Nunzio for a bit.  Nunzio stumbles to the corner looking for a tag?  Funaki whips Nunzio into the ropes and gets a knee lift for his trouble.  Nunzio stomps him and goes for a choke, then drapes Funaki on the second rope so that Palumbo can punch him really hard.  Well, now we’ve seen Palumbo’s best move, he might as well hit the showers.  Nunzio with various poundings for two, and back into a choke.  Funaki slips out of a slam and delivers a drop toe-hold and a low dropkick to the face for two.  It was so much cooler when TAKA was there to hold the guy in a low camel clutch for the dropkick.  Then they’d jump around like idiots.  Man do I ever miss TAKA.

Back to the action, Funaki with a Japanese whip, following it in and running into a knee.  Nunzio with the “Sicilian Slice”, a Fame-asser off the second turnbuckle, for two.  A reverse chinlock on the mat doesn’t last long before Funaki breaks out, but Nunzio goes into a leg vice hold on the head, and then back into the chinlock.  Back up, Funaki evades a dropkick and gets a bulldog for two, then a side suplex for two.  He delivers a flying DDT, but Palumbo is up on the apron and Funaki gives chase.  Around the ring and back in, and now Funaki has his back turned to Nunzio.  Nunzio hits the “Arrivaderci”, an armbar take down using the ropes a la the Stratusfaction.  Pinfall gets three.  Your winner:  Nunzio. Time of the fall:  4:31.   **.5 out of five.  They should have cut the two middle matches and given more time to the opener and the ME.

The FBI work Funaki over after chasing Mr. Hebner out of the ring.

Josh:  The FBI has strength in numbers.
Cat:  Unless Eddie, Chavo, and Rikishi team up against them (like maybe at WM?)
Josh:  Uh, Cat, nobody mentioned those guys – we’re not supposed to shill that match yet, remember?
Cat:  Oh shit, sorry, Josh.  I just forgot, you know how it is.

TONIGHT:  Dawn Marie vs. Nidia, in a “Neither Of Us Will Be In Playboy So Let’s Beat Each Other Up Match”.

The Smackdown crew will be live in some cities, but not right now!  Right now’s time for a COMMERCIAL BREAK!

From the “I Saw This in 1987” File: 

Snickers Cruncher brings us a Wrestlemania Moment, featuring Hulkamania in the Silver Dome – Andre passes the torch.

Josh:  McMahon-amania must be shilled!
Cat:  This sounds like a job for Ernie!

“I Saw This on Thursday”:

Vince:  Blah Blah Blah
Hogan:  Yada Yada Yada
Fans:  Yay!  Boo!  Yay again!
Vince:  Meet me at the flagpole at 3:00, and be ready for a fight.
Hogan:  I have detention.  Let’s fight at Wrestlemania!
Vince:  Them’s fightin’ words!
Cole:  My script says to act surprised and incredulous!  Too bad I never learned to make-believe those things!

Josh:  Those sounded like fightin’ words, Cat!
Cat:  I will shill the fightin’ words!

NEXT:  Dawn Marie vs. Nidia in a “Skank On A Pole Match”

Terry Boleia… a man with a dream… and a book… and a COMMERCIAL BREAK!

“I saw this LAST Thursday”:

Stephanie McMahon (Helmsley) announces that Torrie Wilson will appear in Playboy, much to the dismay of “I still grieve for Al every now and then” Dawn Marie and “Not Hot Enough” Nidia.

Back on Velocity, we are treated to some vignettes from Torrie’s photo shoot.  She’s quite… photogenic.  On SD this week, the unveiling of Playboy’s cover image.

Josh:  Shill Playboy.  Shill, shill.

Dawn Marie (with Cat’s Going to Buy Fifty Copies of Playboy and Velocity is brought to you by 1-800-CALL-ATT, Castrol GTX, and Burger King) vs. Nidia (with Jamie Noble, and Nidia Goes to the Playboy Mansion and Then Flashes Josh)

Is Nidia a face?  Or do they actually expect these two to get over in a heel-heel match?  Probably neither.  It’s this sort of shit that makes people look down on Velocity.

Your, uh, only man in the ring is Mr. Jim Korderas.

Nidia starts things off with a side-headlock takeover.  Dawn Marie breaks the headlock with a leg vice on the head, and delivers her own side-headlock takeover (more sloppily executed).  Nidia tries the same counter Dawn Marie used, but unsuccessfully.  Up to standing, Nidia breaks out with forearms to the ribs.  At about this point, it becomes noticeable that Josh and the Cat’s voices are out of synch with the rest of the soundtrack, so that they react to moves a good half-second before they happen.  This makes Josh’s never-ending OH!s more noticeable, God help me.

Back to the action, a shoulder block staggers both women, and Dawn Marie is low-bridged by Noble.  Outside, Nidia stomps Dawn Marie.  Nidia rolls her in for two.  Into the corner, Nida drives her shoulder in Dawn Marie’s spine and gut.  Nidia with a hard Irish whip for two, then a slingshot off the ropes and over the knees, a move Goldust sometimes uses.  Nidia puts Dawn Marie in a half-crab in perfect ring position.  Women’s submission wrestling?  Dawn spends a while not tapping and then Nidia releases the hold?  Guess she’s not in the mood to reef on the hold and make her tap, like a smart person would.  Nidia whips Dawn into the corner and follows her in.  Dawn goes up and over and delivers a pair of arm drags, which Josh calls ‘deep’ and Murray calls ‘weak’.  The girls trade chops for a bit, then Dawn with a whip into the corner.  Follows it in and runs into a boot.  Clothesline by Dawn, which Cat calls ‘big’ and I call ‘weak’.  Can you see a pattern?  Dawn to the second turnbuckle, and a reverse splash for the pin.  Noble pulls Nidia out in time, and Dawn Marie goes upstairs?  Dawn Marie with a  crossbody from the top turnbuckle to the outside, taking out Jamie and Nidia.  She rolls Nidia back in for two, then a schoolboy for two.  Another clothesline, which is either ‘stiff’ or ‘weak’.  Nidia with a  whip into the corner and follows her in (won’t they learn?  That hasn’t worked once this match!).  Surprise, surprise, Nidia runs into a two-foot kick.  Dawn kicks like a girl.  Dawn Marie up to the second turnbuckle.  ‘High’ crossbody?  More like ‘weak’ crossbody.  Anyway, Nidia rolls through it for the winning pinfall.  Time of the fall:  4:26.

Josh calls the win ‘impressive’.  I think you know what I call it.  0.5 out of five for effort and progress by the women.

Josh:  Now I get to shill someone else’s product!  Yay for me!  Girls Gone Wild will have Nidia and Torrie.

STILL TO COME:  Highlights from Thursday’s cage match.

TONIGHT ON CONFIDENTIAL:  Nathan Jones talks all about his COMMERCIAL BREAK.

We return to a vignette from SD’s trip to South Africa.

Bill DeMott (280 lbs, with Cat Likes Bill Because Bill Bullies Josh) vs. Johhny Xavier (Stratford, CT, 220 lbs.)

Your third man in the ring is Mr. Mike Sparks.

We are treated to various brutalizations of Xavier by Bill DeMott.  You know how sometimes jobbers get a chance to show their moveset and their ring skills in matches like these?  Well, not this time.

Josh:  Let’s make an awkward and obvious segue into the topic of Nathan Jones, and A-Knob, and Undercardtaker, and Big Show!
Cat:  These two teams are going to meet sometime soon!  (Uh, like at WM?)
Josh:  Cat, we aren’t supposed to call them teams yet.
Cat:  SHIT!  I done it again!

So, anyway, the match is an utter squash.  Nothing of any value here, except the pinfall is extremely homoerotic.  Time of the fall:  2:53.  0.5 out of five for the sexual imagery.

UP NEXT:  Highlights of what you saw on Thursday!

Stephanie McMahon (Helmsley) uses CALL ATT!  And Carrot Top gets to touch Steph?  On the shoulders?  And the FEET?!?  Un-frickin-believable.

After the COMMERCIAL BREAK:

“I Saw This LAST Thursday”:

Brock picks Heyman to enter the cage next week (last week)

“I Saw This On Thursday”:

Angle and Heyman talk to Steph in her office.  She allows Kurt to seduce her and then becomes the hard-ass GM, and I become even more of a Steph-mark.

Josh:  I have an uncontrollable desire to shill what we just watched, since it obviously is not powerful enough on its own.

Also on Thursday, Lesnar wins the cage match.

THIS WEEK ON SD:  Angle vs Lesnar for the title.

We don’t cheer the timid.  We cheer COMMERCIAL BREAKS!

Greyhound brings us Rey Mysterio pinning Tajiri to earn a title match at WM.

Shannon Moore (Raleigh NC, 195 lbs, with Snickers Cruncher presents WM XIX) vs. Billy Kidman (Allentown, 215 lbs)

Your third man in the ring is a suntanned Mr. Mike Chioda.

Kidman runs into the ring to start things off.  They go outside, and Moore receives various beatings about the head and shoulders.  Back in, Moore takes control.  Irish whip into the corner, and Moore follows it in.  Billy goes up and into a headscissor takeover.  They should have learned from Dawn and Nidia about following people into the corner.  Moore bails but is brought back up to the apron by Kidman, who gets hung up on the top rope for his trouble.  Moore back in with a stomp and a kick followed by a side suplex for two, after which he rams Kidman’s head into the top turnbuckle.  Irish whip gets double reversed, and Kidman goes hard back into the same corner.  Pin gets two.  Moore goes into a rear chin hold with his knee in Kidman’s back.  Moore with an elbow to Kidman’s head and some clubbing blows to the upper back, and then back into the chin hold.  Kidman stands up out of it, and elbows Moore to break the hold.  Kidman with a  snapmare takeover, and Moore with a spinning heel kick for two.  Forearms to the back set Kidman up to take a snap suplex, and a pin for two.  Moore gets a reverse chinlock, which is broken by elbows.  Moore whips Kidman hard into the corner, but Kidman comes out with a dropkick.  Mr. Chioda starts a ten-count.

Josh:  This is my least favorite part of the show, because I don’t know what to shill.  We have already shilled the Rhynocerous and Rikishi.
Cat:  We have neglected to shill Chris Benoit.  Plus, we could shill all the things we’ve already shilled all over again.
Josh:  Oh Cat, you have eased my mind.  Let us begin.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch… Both men are back up after two.  Billy with some punches about the head and shoulders, a back body drop, an Irish whip into the corner, and finally a clothesline for two.  Moore brings out the old equalizer, namely a thumb to the eye.  Kidman delivers his sort of spinebuster/powerbomb thingie, and goes upstairs.  Shooting Star Press flies crooked, and Kidman’s knee lands hard on Moore’s skull.  I think it’ll be a while before he’s allowed to hit that move again.  Kidman gets the pin for the doubleya. Time of the fall:  4:09.   **.5 out of five.  Fairly decent TV match, with points deducted for bad announcing and the horribly missed finisher..

Josh:  Well, Moore probably has a concussion, so I guess we should shill the knee to the head.
Cat:  We have to do something to make such a horrible mistake worthwhile.  Let’s pretend Kidman did it on purpose.

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