WWE SATURDAY NIGHT BLOCK RECAPS
In this Numbers Game, 
Cruiserweights Equal RATINGS!
March 17, 2003

by Murray Speer
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Last Sunday, the Canadian Men’s Curling Championship resembled WrestleMania 2000, as the heels went over the fan favorites!  Now Team Alberta will make its way to Winnipeg in a few weeks, where it will dominate rinks from all over the world!  The curling smarks will complain that Team Alberta has too much back-room stroke, and that they are holding the other rinks down!  When Dave Nedohin suffers a deep hematoma while winning the World Championship, they will claim that he does not deserve to be the Champ, because he cannot play on his regular schedule.  They will say that he needs to get down to his ideal curling weight, and start throwing the shots that made him a champ in the first place.  Just wait until he starts dating the daughter of the International Curling Association President!

Velocity!!!  As-if-live on The New The National The Nashville Network!

Your hosts are Josh “I wonder if I could get on Tough Enough 4” Matthews and Ernie “Watch the Cat Dance” Miller.  And Tony Chimel!  He doesn’t get enough respect.  Go Tony.  You’re Grrrrr-eat!

Josh had to re-write one of his Post-it Notes this week.  “The FBI is a force to be reckoned with” is still there where he left it, but the other one now says “Wrestlemania CAME early.”

Johnny “Da Bull” Stamboli (Brooklyn, 250 lbs, with Nunzio and Chucky “I’m still kind of ambiguously gay” Palumbo) vs. Funaki (Japan, 208 lbs, SD’s Number One Announcer, with Last Week the FBI beat Funaki up)

Your third man in the ring is Mr. Jim Korderas.  I don’t have anything against balding men, because I am one.  But some men’s bald heads are very ugly.  Mr. Jimmy should do something about his.

I’m not going to report every time Funaki ducks a clothesline in this match.  Maybe that’s what they do when Stamboli forgets what comes next?  (I’ll just write DC every time he ducks a clothesline.  It’ll be like a secret code.  Your decoder ring is in the mail).

DC to start, and Funaki delivers some punches.  Stamboli with a kneelift.  DC, but an elbow takes Funaki down.  Funaki with a DC and a running cross body for the first pinning combination of the match.  He follows with an enziguiri for two.  Stamboli takes a headscissor takeover after a DC, and bails.  Funaki with a baseball slide kick, and the Family take him outside and work him over a bit.

Josh:  It’s a numbers game, Cat!  A numbers game!

Stamboli rolls Funaki in, and drops the elbow three times for a two-count, and follows up with a choke.

Josh:  Well, Cat, who shall we shill today?  The old standbys?
Cat:  Yes indeedy, Josh.  For instance, Chavo and Eddie Guerrero, and Rikishi.

Meanwhile, guys… Stamboli with some rope-based leverage holds, mostly of the choking variety.  Chucky delivers a really hard punch to Funaki’s back.  Okay, Chucky, hit the showers, you’re done.  No really.  Nobody wants to see you acting Italian any longer than they need to.

Josh:  It’s a numbers game, Cat!  A numbers game!  And let’s not forget to shill Benoit and his partner the Rhynocerous.
Cat:  I pity da fool who don’t shill the Rhynocerous.

Stamboli with his Vertical-Delay-Suplex-That’s-Really-A-Hangman, for two.  Funaki goes for a body-scissors move but is countered into an ISP (see the ME match for an idea of what this looks like).  Stamboli with an armbar submission hold, which Funaki breaks with knees to the gut and a hiptoss.  Funaki with a drop toe-hold into the turnbuckles, followed by the I Miss TAKA dropkick to the face.  Funaki goes for a crossbody off the top turnbuckle.  He gets caught, and Da Bull goes for what I presume was a spinning sideslam, which was countered by Funaki into a DDT for two.  Outside again, Nunzio picks on Funaki like the little tiny bully that he is.

Josh:  It’s a numbers game, Cat!  A numbers game!

Back in, Stamboli with a scoop slam, a hop up onto the top turnbuckle, and a flying legdrop for the pinfall.  Your winner:  Da Bull.   Time of the fall:  5:05.  A decent opener.  Much better than Stamboli’s match two weeks ago, which can’t be attributed to Funaki because two weeks ago Stamboli was in with Chavo.  Funaki continues to impress.  *** out of five.

STILL TO COME:   Dawn Marie’s “shocking” actions from SD!
UP NEXT:  The Hulkamania/McMahon-amania video from SD!

It’s the most exciting COMMERCIAL BREAK in sports entertainment!

From the “I Saw This In 1997” File:

The Wrestlemania Moment features Undertaker defeating Sycho Sid.  What a workrate-heavy match that was!

Josh:  Now I wish to segue awkwardly into the Hogan/McMahon feud.
Cat:  Don’t forget to make the segue obvious, as well.

From the “I Saw This On Thursday” File:

We see the Hulkamania video and Vince’s subsequent commentary.  He mentions that he and Hogan “rode Harleys together” and “got into spirited situations”.  I sense some homoeroticism, here.  Later, he confirms it by mentioning that he invited Hogan to “play in his ballpark”.  At WrestleMania XIX, we will have a lovers quarrel!

COMING UP:  WrestleMania came early!  It should see a doctor about that.  I hear there are mental concentration exercises that help.
UP NEXT:  Shannon “The Undercardtaker is holding me down” Moore

Before there was Mattitude, before there was the Imagi-Nation, there was Extreme… an extreme BOOK… and an extreme COMMERCIAL BREAK.

Josh:  Now that the pesky commercials are out of the way, I can bust out my latest awkward and obvious segue!  Rey Mysterio!  Rey Mysterio!
Cat:  Best… segue… EVER!

“I Saw This LAST Thursday”:

Rey Mysterio wins his title shot at Wrestlemania, against Matt Hardy.  Speaking of whom…

“I Saw This on Thursday”:

Matt Hardy v.1.0 challenges any cruiser who wishes to a sparring exhibition match.  Some guy comes out wearing Diamondback’s pants, but not Diamondback’s mask.  Does Diamondback know about this?  They play the whole match for us.  It’s Brian Kendrick!  He stole Diamondback’s pants!  I bet Diamondback is pissed.

Wait a minute… wasn’t Shannon Moore supposed to be “UP NEXT”?  That was like seven minutes ago.  Oh, here we go.

Shannon Moore (Raleigh, NC, 195 lbs.) vs. Matt Stryker (Cincinatti, OH, 183 lbs., with Xenosaga, Greyhound, PS2, and Murray Doesn’t Transcribe Jobber Matches)

The third man in the ring for this jobber match is Mr. Brian Hebner.

Josh:  This match is garbage, but at least we have a reason to shill guys we don’t normally shill!
Cat:  How can this be?
Josh:  It’s because of the WrestleMania news conference.  The Rock will be there!  I get to shill the Rock!
Cat:  Shill, Josh.  Shill for all you’re worth.

Meanwhile, in the ring, it’s pretty standard cruiserweight stuff.  Viscerally entertaining, but nothing special from a fanboy point of view.

Josh:  I think Mr. McMahon will win at WrestleMania, because he’s my boss!
Cat:  Well, McMahon hasn’t been in the ring in a long time.  Hogan lives in the ring.
(Hogan doesn’t have a house?  Or a hotel room?  That’s sad.  Give that man some money!)
Josh:  Mr. McMahon owns the company.
Cat.  Oh.

(Ummm… solid argument, there, Josh.)

Shannon hits a move I haven’t seen before.  It’s a sort of modified fireman’s carry with a  spin into a bulldog finish.  Good finishing move, except it doesn’t end the match.  The match ends with the “Moore-gasm”, which two weeks ago was called the “HALO”.  Your winner:  Matt Stryker!  No, as if.  Shannon Moore!  Time of the fall:  3:41.  The match flowed smoothly, but until the two finishers from Moore it was a waste of time *.5 out of five.

STILL TO COME:  NIDIA!  Oh, yeah, and Jamie Noble wrestles Tajiri.

TONIGHT ON CONFIDENTIAL:  Rikishi gets shot by gangsters!  Again?  Oh, it’s a rerun.  That whole “shot in the gut” thing didn’t work to get him over before.  Let’s try one more time!

What this show needs is another COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Bill DeMott (280 lbs, and a bully) vs. B.J. Payne (Madison, OH, 241 lbs., with Murray Doesn’t Transcribe Jobber Matches and Your Name is B.J.?  Dear God.)

Your third man in the ring for this second Jobber match of the night is Mr. Mike Sparks.

For an idea of what happened in this match, read my recap of last week’s Velocity match featuring Bill DeMott.  Same deal here, except with less homoeroticism.  Your winner:  Bill DeMott.  Time of the fall:  1:56.  No stars out of five.

WHEN WE COME BACK:  Lesnar faces Angle on SmackDown.

This Monday, Eric Bischoff will fight Steve Austin over the coveted COMMERCIAL BREAK.

“I Saw This On Thursday”:
They play the entire Lesnar/Angle non-match for us.  Nice.

UP NEXT:  Torrie Wilson unveils her Playboy cover.

PLUS:  Let’s not forget about the main event match.  A magazine cover AND some rasslin’?  Bonus!

BUT FIRST:  COMMERCIAL BREAK number five!

The WrestleMania card bumper doesn’t include Jericho/Michaels or the Tag Team Title Triple Threat Match (TTTTT?).  Guess WM’s only going to have FOUR Main Events.  Disappointing.

Lugz presents Dawn Marie flashes Tazz and Cole.  What a memory!

A brief graphic of the Playboy cover fulfills the earlier “UP NEXT” promise in a most unfulfilling way.

“I Saw This On Thursday”:  Jamie Noble goes to the Playboy Mansion and speaks with a  comical dialect.

Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV, 200 lbs, with Nidia and Snickers Cruncher presents WM XIX) vs. Tajiri Yoshihiro (Japan, 206 lbs.)

Joining the competitors in the ring will be senior referee Mr. Mike Chioda.  Really, he should refuse to appear on Velocity.  Everyone who appears on Velocity is diminished.  Just ask some guy on the OO Forums whose name I couldn’t be bothered to remember.  Poor Tajiri, he’ll never be as big a star as he was before he ever appeared on Velocity.  The stain will never leave him.  NEVER!

Josh:  These two guys lost to Mysterio in a triple threat match.  If you remember, I shilled Mysterio earlier.
Cat:  Mysterio isn’t only a cruiserweight.  He’s beaten bigger guys, too.
Murray:  And Tajiri and Noble haven’t?  Way to go, Cat.  Shilling one superstar at the expense of others is definitely the way to advance the product.

They start off with a collar & elbow tie-up.  Noble with a hammerlock, and Tajiri out with elbows to the head.  Noble with a single leg takedown into a leglace submission hold.  Tajiri counters Noble’s hold into a cross armbreaker of his own.  Nice.  Noble escapes that and goes into a front facelock with the arm hooked.  Tajiri with a couple of arm drags, and sweeps the legs for a one-count.  Noble slams Tajiri’s head into the turnbuckle and follows it up with some kicks, then a whip into the opposition corner.  Noble follows him in, but Tajiri goes up and over and into the Tarantula.  He breaks the hold before the five-count, and Nidia is JERKING TAJIRI OFF…. THE APRON!  Noble with a  suicide dive under the top rope, and they somewhat viciously knock heads.  Noble throws Tajiri back in and delivers various stompings.  A whip off the ropes is followed by a kneelift for two.  Noble locks in for a vertical suplex, and delivers a pair of kneelifts from this position.  The suplex turns instead into a sort of implant DDT, but with the aggressor falling forwards instead of backwards.  If anyone has a decent name for this move, let me know.  That’s the best I could come up with.  Anyway, Noble gets a two-count.  He gets up, drops the leg, and back into the pin for two.  Tajiri is whipped hard into the corner.

Noble:  Yeah, boy!

Noble with an abdominal stretch.  I’m begging someone with the right body for it to make this his finishing hold.  That would be sweet.  Tajiri breaks out with a hip toss, dodges Noble, and delivers a trio of kicks.  Noble comes back with some forearms, but Tajiri hits his back kick followed by the rebound handspring back elbow, and Noble goes down like a crack whore under a full moon.  Tajiri whips him into the corner and follows him in.  Noble is up and into a headscissor, but Tajiri turns it into…. Umm… maybe an inverted sit-out powerbomb?

Josh:  A sit-out inverted powerbomb!
Murray:  I like mine better.
Josh:  You disagree with me?  Now you will never be shilled by me!
Murray:  Big loss.  Go job to Maven.

Anyway, the ISP gets Tajiri a two-count.  Tajiri with some chops, and Noble goes for a neckbreaker.  Tajiri counters by holding the ropes.  He goes for the Buzzsaw, but Noble ducks.  Noble with a bodyscissor roll-up for two.  A kick misses.  A nice series as the Tiger Bomb is countered into a back body drop, which is then countered into a Sunset Flip, which Tajiri rolls through.  A low drop-kick to the face of a kneeling Noble is followed by the Buzzsaw, and the pin gets three.  Your winner:  Tajiri!  Time of the fall:  4:38.  Some great counter-wrestling here, both mat-based and acrobatic, by two under-utilized talents.  Nidia played a role, but it wasn’t out of proportion and just ensured heel feat for Noble, who refrained from cheating throughout the match.  Velocity certainly does deliver some high-quality main events.  ***.5 out of five.

THIS THURSDAY ON SD!:  Brock Lesnar will be somewhat put out.  Will Kurt and Eric be contrite?  Or a couple of pricks?  Who can guess?  Tune in and see!  PLUS:  Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan sign a contract!

END

The flow of this Velocity was a marked improvement from the previous two weeks, as they pitched the highlights throughout the show, rather than pitching a single highlight over and over again all hour until it finally arrives.  Two less-than-impressive jobber matches bring the show down, but the opener and the ME were reasonably kick-ass, and Moore saved his match in the end.  In my eyes, Stamboli elevated himself against Funaki.  It’s nice to see Funaki wrestling regularly on TV again.  Josh Matthews is still a disappointment on play-by-play.  With 15:20 of first-run matches, the bell-to-bell time is diminished for the second week in a row (last week was 15:59).  However, this is made up for somewhat by the complete replays of Hardy vs. Kendrick and Lesnar vs. Angle, at 6:22, for a grand b2b total of 21:42.  Thumbs up for this edition of Velocity.

E-MAIL MURRAY
VIEW THE WWE SNB ARCHIVES

All contents are Copyright 1995-2014 by OOWrestling.com.  All rights reserved.
This website is not affiliated with WWE or any other professional wrestling organization.  Privacy Statement.