WWE SATURDAY NIGHT BLOCK RECAPS
The Only Good Aunt is a Dead Aunt
July 7, 2003

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV, 200 pounds, w/Nidia and the fur coat, 7) vs Spanky (Olympia, WA, 181 pounds, 2) - Jamie's left elbow is quite taped. your announcers are Cat (who wants that fur coat) and Josh. Later: Matt Hardy vs Shannon Moore. It takes Josh only about 2:40 to say "the 827,000 dollar man Jamie (by God) Noble!" Josh: "Look at Nidia with that genie imitation mock fur coat she's got on-" Cat: "How do you know that coat is imitation? How do you KNOW?" "Well, I watch SmackDown! on Thursday's night and I heard Nidia say that - where we you?" Nidia gets mileage out of that coat already, distracting Spanky into being punked out by Jamie, and it's on. Jamie with a forearm, forearm, turnbuckle smash. Short clothesline. As Josh mentions Aunt Lucile, let me show you that I do too much reading: back when Jamie became Cruiserweight Champion, he got that double wide for a discount - because his Aunt Edna died. Man has a lot dead Aunts, I guess. What you're missing as I'm being irrelevant: while Jamie asks for Spanky to get up in his usual manner, Josh explains the concept of "bling-bling" to the Cat. So...nothing. Whip, Spanky slides under, forearm, forearm, forearm, whip - nah, Jamie's hooked the top rope. Spanky tries kicks to the leg to get Noble off - whip, quick reverse but Spanky boots him. Crowd chant for him. Announcers talking about Kidman's pending return. Forearm. Whip, reversed, Spanky hooks the ropes, Jamie charges, Spanky backdrops him to the apron, Jamie tries the shoulder to the gut but Spanky trumps him with a kneelift. Ringside area is very smoky from the fireworks still; someone should sound a fog horn because Jamie Noble's about to get a visitor - running slingshot plancha! Both men are down - so let's take a look at the replay. Nidia does not like how this is going. Noble thrown in, Spanky going up - top rope cross body is sidestepped and caught right into a Fujiwara armbar! Nice move Jamie. Spanky looking for a way out - spinning his body around on the mat and ending up about 180 from where he started to get a foot on the rope. Jamie stomps. Turnbuckle smash, and arm stretched over the ropes. Armbar, armdrag takeover, armsmash into the mat, and another. Soccer kick to the back! Stand over armbar. Cat isn't sure that's a fake fur coat. Jamie: "QUIT IT BOY!" Spanky: "AAAAH!" I guess that's a no. Spanky up to his knees, forearm, pause, forearm, forearm, forearm, whip no Jamie breaks up the the arm bold and hits a hard knee lift. Corner whip, Spanky with the knee brake and turns to hit a forearm charge. Noble in the corner, Spanky in the opposite, yell,, charge, and right into the back elbow. Jamie props himself up on the top rope and puts on an elevated armscissors! That's kinda illegal with the ropes and all but Jamie is enjoying - oh no Spanky pulled Jamie off and Jamie landed right on his NECK. And Jamie holds onto the armbar! That's kinda nutso there, and they set up the whole spot just so Jamie could land on his head. Spanky can get to his feet but not free - he kicks Noble in the upperback many times to get free. Off the ropes, to the mat because Nidia tripped him up. Nidia's looking cool in that fur coat. Josh is protesting her fashion sense. Armbar takedown! One two NO. Hammerlock by Jamie. Left arm left arm left arm. Crowd: "Let's go Spanky" as he stands up. One armed Samoan drop! Nice. Jamie gets up first though, armbar meets the climbing enziguri! Josh opts for "climb up", which is close enough to worry me. One two NO. Sliced - no, Jamie spins out before it gets going, short clothesline is ducked, and there's the side salto kick. Dropkick to the knee, yell, off the ropes and amazingly painful looking kick to the head - one two NO! Spanky slowly picking Jamie up. Cat thinks Sean O'Haire is the future of the business. Corner whip, Spanky goes in chest first, Jamie with rebound waistlock, German Suplex, Spanky lands on his feet, 'rana, rolled thru one two NO! Forearm is ducked, Jamie with the double underhook DDT to a double underhook choke and that's IT. (5:50) Whew, that was something. Josh says that's the Paydirt, given Jamie a finisher for each dollar he inherited, but at least it goes with the angle. First big win for him in while. Replays of the last :15 seconds or so as Nidia and Jamie celebrate.

Still to come, Big Show vs Steph/Zach

Tonight: Matt Hardy vs Shannon Moore - VERSION ONE COLLIDES

SmackDown Live!
7/6 - Ocean City, MD
7/7 - Cleveland, OH
7/8 - Toronto, OH [SD]
7/13 - Columbus, OH [special Sunday 2pm SD taping]
7/16 - Bangkok, Thailand

"Every since they were fired from Team Angle, Charlie Haas and Shelton Benjamin have been seeking out tag team gold" - um, not quite. Anyway, here's the end of the match. Oh what a non-bump on the middle turnbuckle there Shelton. Isn't it odd that neither Shelton nor Benjamin cheated with the ref distracted like that? It would've been a nice little conclusion. This title change kinda makes me wonder if they knew Piper was on the outs at the MSG show but still wanted to take the belts off these two. Cat says what we're all thinking: "If he was so concerned about hurting the car, why did he do this?"  (1547-1942) Something tell me that Tajiri might be back by...say, that 7/16 in Bangkok.

Burger King Distracting Bike Ride of Last Thursday. I mean, it's a meaningless title vs a meaningless feud - I don't see how this is worth getting upset over.

Sean O'Haire (274 pounds) vs SmackDown #1 Announcer Funaki (208 pounds, Japan) - Josh points out that O'Haire's music "Come On" by Water Proof Blond. Enter Funaki. Josh: "This music is more or less Japanese because Funaki's Japanese." Chimel's back doing ring announcing this week - did we every figure out why he wasn't last week? Sign: "FUNAKI NUMBA RON" and it's an Asian guy holding it up. Circle. Josh goes from "Sean O'Haire wants championship gold" to talking about the US Title tournament with no segue, so I guess I'm supposed to imagine that one. I guess we do need another heel there. I hope they do Gunn/O'Haire, that'd be peachy. Lockup, Funaki slides under, O'Haire gets him by the hair. Funaki to an armblock, but Sean has no problem reversing it into one of his won. Funaki rolls to a reversal, into a standing switch. Sean has no problem  breaking it it, so Funaki swats him in the head. O'Haire doesn't like that - kick to the midsection. Sean charges Funaki, Funaki side steps, dropkick but O'Haire doesn't go down (*because he' in the corner), O'Haire charges and Funaki armdrags him. O'Haire out. O'Haire in, taking a dropkick to the head one two no. Funaki off the ropes, right into a kick to the chest. One two no. Corner whip, Funaki rebounds out after a delay, and there's the toss slam. Sean O'Haire slides for absolutely no reason (a point in his favor), Funaki tries to kick him way, Sean pushes him back and kicks him in the chest hard. Funaki rolling out for safety, but Sean out after him. Funaki back in. Sean back in. Whip, head down too son, Funaki kicks it. Sean is more surprised than hurt, charges with a clothesline, ducked, dropkick is blocked (I guess), O'Haire covers one two no. O'Haire with kneelifts as he pushes Funaki in the corner, and then throws him back out. O'Haire with a wristlock, kick to the chest and Funaki's down. Sean waits for him to get back up. Josh states the obvious as news: the finals of the US Title Tournament will be at Vengeance. Armspin takedown, and the soccer kick to the back one two no. Josh: "If Sean O'Haire's career in Sports Entertainment doesn't work out, he could be a soccer player."  Cat: "Hahaha" Um.....I think I'm losing my mind again. O'Haire using a neck vice here as we all slow it down a bit. Funaki with right hands - and Sean stops him with a elbow to the head. Funaki thrown in the corner, then lifted up - running shoulderslam never hits against Funaki. Foot catch enziguri, off the ropes bulldog one two big kickout. Funaki going up for the cross body, O'Hare catches, so Funaki hits the spinning DDT one two no. Off the ropes, right into a punch. Fireman's carry - Josh: "that's the Widowmaker!" - well I guess it is now one two three (4:05) Josh does relate a non-interesting story about it being changed from the Prophecy, so there you go.

Still to Come: Stephanie is in the main event handicap match. Hey, here's the WHOLE Vince/Steph vignette to set it up. 

WM Rewind: Jake the Snake (w/Alice Cooper) vs Honky Tonk Man (w/Jimmy Hart), WrestleMania III

who betta than Kanyon (Queens, NY, 242 pounds) vs Mike Bell (Poughkeepsie, NY, 226 pounds, already in the ring) - Josh with the "watch Afterburn" hype. I wonder if it'll move ratings? Lockup. Into the ropes. Clean break? NO. Kanyon with a punch and an elbow. Cat uses the forbidden first name "Chris" with no regard. Whip, hiptoss is blocked, Bell hits his own hiptoss. Bell is going to pick Kanyon up - no, Kanyon while eventually kick him away. Right hand misses, Bell hits a back elbow. Bell is kinda pumped. Whip, powerslam for Bell one two no. Josh tells us that Bell played nose guard for the University of Cincinnati. Kanyon retreats to the corner, Bell follows and gets kicked. Kanyon with an armbar, Bell reverses into an hammerlock, Kanyon gets a foot in the ropes. Bell shoves him as he lets go. Kanyon does not appreciate it. Kanyon played rugby for the University of Buffalo. I wonder if he was in Sigma Chi Omega. Josh says he and Kanyon are good friends. Kanyon's got a BS in Physical Therapy. Maybe him and Crowbar should form a tag team. Anyway, test of strength, Kanyon immediately goes for a kick, then steps over one of the wristlocks and drops down for some wacky jawbreaker variation. Kanyon with a right hands as Cat makes questions rugby. There's the second rope faceslam, one two no. Stomp. Stomp. Kick. Kick. Bell down around the ring post, so Kanyon backs up - sliding dropkick to the back, knocking Bell chest first into the post. Kanyon stomping Bell half way out of the ring - Kanyon pulls him back in one two no. Snap mare. Kanyon with a step over sit down on the head - I don't even know how to properly call that and Josh is talking about Eddie and Tajiri. One two no. Chinlock. Bell up to his feet, elbowing out. Off the ropes, caught into a sleeper, but Bell back suplexes out. Cat wonders why Eddie was mad about the lowrider - he has a lot of them, we see a new one each week! Bell charges Kanyon in the corner, Kanyon side steps him. Kanyon goes for a running bulldog, but he's not a cowboy so Bell pushes him off. Bell with a whip, backdrop. Bell waits for Kanyon to get up - clothesline. Waiting - jumping kick is caught, jumping kick to the head is not. Bell calls Kanyon up - scoop, fallaway slam with bridge! One two NO. Josh says that's Bell's Mid-Hudson Bridge, ah. Bell charges in to a boot. Kanyon out, right misses, Bell's right is ducked, Kanyon grabs him - Flatliner! One two three! (4:36) Kanyon is THRILLED, hugging Jim Korderas in celebration. Kanyon is pumped - maybe he realizes that this is his first TV win in 649 days (last win: 09/24/01...against Matt Hardy...in a US Title defense.)

Up Next: that main event from SmackDown. Here's the whole Big Show/Zach Gowen vignette.

JVC Pasty Butt of Two Weeks Ago

Cat and Josh discuss. Cat: "I tell you what, Zach had so much riding on this match, man. You know, somebody call my momma, the kid right here, WWE contract, man, right there in his hands, a pair of new red shoes!"

Why does Stephanie have wrestling gear? Why does Zach have music with lyrics and not generic stuff? And not to mention the video package. You know, they haven't talked about the Angle/Lesnar other stuff all show. Didn't take long for Zach to lose the Mr. America's shirt. Zach looks so much like a special effect. Bonus Velocity exclusive...of Zach walking up the ramp and celebrating with the fans. (4514-5214)

Vengeance: Brock Lesnar vs Big Show vs Kurt Angle for the WWE Championship
Vengeance: Undertaker vs John Cena
Vengeance: "Price to Pay" by Staind
Next: Matt Hardy vs Shannon Moore

Matt Hardy (Version One, Cameron, NC, 220 pounds) vs Shannon Moore (Raleigh, NC, 195 pounds) - Wait, Chimel just cut Matt back down? And that's followed by Josh pointing out that Matt looks bulked up. Eh.Matt Facts: Matt is giving Shannon one last chance. Matt likes pepper better than salt. Must...not...make...obvious...Spinderalla joke. Shannon really doesn't want to do this. Matt really does. The announcers have been pushing this all night as Shannon's Last Chance, which would be more effective if we noted the other guy wasn't around here. Hey, maybe Matt will do it right now: "Shannon Moore, I given you every opportunity in the world, and you've failed me, again and again and again! Well tonight is the very final chance for you. Tonight, you will prove to me that you have Mattitude, or you don't!" Shannon is trying to explain that he does have Mattitude, but Matt is responding with shoulder shoves. "I'M V1" - V1 sign to the face. Shannon pushes the hand sign out of his face. Matt rips the V1 Shirt off of him! Shannon - will still not fight back. Slap? That sill wont' do it. Matt tells Shannon to hit him one right on the chin. Matt with a right - no, blocked and Shannon hits own, right, right, right, right, Matt with a clubbing forearm to stop him. And another. Corner whip, charge in clothesline. Josh pushes the idea that Mattitude is all about being true to yourself, Matt wants Shannon to be true to himself and is giving Shannon one more chance to do show the true Shannon Moore. Choke around the top rope - Matt yells at him while he's choking him. Running middle rope leg choke. Stomp. Stomp. Corner elbows. Josh is slowly walking Cat through the idea of Matt wanting Shannon to be his own man. Cat: "So this is this tough love you've been talking about, right?" Josh: "Exactly. It's like teaching you, Cat - either you have it or you don't, you obviously don't, but Matt's gonna see if Shannon does." "Well I still get paid more than you anyone, but let me ask you something, this tough love is the same thing Vince McMahon is doing for his daughter." Josh disagrees there, but I've got to catch up. Shannon with forearms to escape the corner, but Matt with a clubbing forearm. Whip, and Shannon back with the wheel kick. Shannon tries a whip, but it's quick reversed into the Side Effect. Matt takes time to annoy the crowd. Josh thinks Vince has gone over the deep end. Cat: "But Zach did not work here!" Josh: "Zach Gowen works here now-" Cat: "He bullied - he bullied his way into this contract!" Josh: "Are you an idiot? Are you insane? Zach Gowen has worked his entire life to become a WWE superstar!" Matt with wacky move #343 - backbreaker rack into an airplane spin neckbreaker! Matt makes sure Shannon is set - "now we go here!" Downfall Raindrop connects. One foot cover - one two NO! Matt is still pretty happy with himself. Confidential is next. Matt with a slap for Shannon - Shannon back with a punch to the midsection. Matt with a right, Shannon with a right, Matt misses with a right, Shannon with a kick, front facelock, forearms on the back but Matt lifts him up and runs him into the corner. Matt backs up and charges - Shannon with a drop toe hold into the middle buckle. Shannon hurting but going up partway. MOOREGASM! He's slow to cover one two NO! Crowd is less into this match than I am, but not totally ignoring it. Corner whip, reversed, Shannon with the WOW Crossbody one two no. Now Josh is talking about Kurt/Brock stuff. Turnbuckle smash by Shannon, and he's going to the second rope. Seated swinging DDT, Matt pushes him off, kick, yell, Shannon with the double leg and jackknife cover one two NO! Josh loses points for not noting that's how Rey beat Matt. Shannon with a whip, reversed, Shannon hooks the ropes, Matt charges, Shannon goes low and Matt goes out. Shannon to the apron, checking Matt's position, and going up. SUICIDE HALO! That gets a replay and earns it. Shannon throws Matt back in - he's going up again, but I don't know what he's got left. Off the top rope 'rana - no rollup, so Shannon has to crawls over and over one two NO! Shannon can't believe it. There's the mini-tantrum. Picking Matt up - no, Matt with a small package one two three! (5:25) Matt doesn't want his hand raised. He looks at Shannon - in surprise? Matt looks appreciative. Shannon's not happy. Matt extends the hand but Shannon brushes it off and walks away. Look at the big V1 sign. Matt urns Shannon around and forces the handshake. Matt claps for Shannon? I guess he did what Matt wanted. V1 tap. Announcer push that the match could've gone either way, and that they're back on the same page.

And that's it. This was a pretty good episode.

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