WWE SATURDAY NIGHT BLOCK RECAPS
Who is this Faarooq you Speak Of?
August 4, 2003

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Spanky (Olympia, WA, 185 pounds) vs Matt Hardy (Version One, Cameron, NC, 227 pounds, w/Shannon Moore) - Matt loves corduroy clothing. Matt despises standstill traffic. Cat: "Zach stood up for himself - even on one leg!" Ready? Lockup. Armdrag, V1. Spanky is not amused. Everyone likes Matt's pants. Lockup, Spanky with a hammerlock, into a headlock. Matt tries to get out wi ht a top wristlock but Spanky pulls him, then over one two no. Matt rolls Spanky over one no. To a front facelock. Matt reverses to an armbar, Spanky reveres to his own, and back to the front facelock. Josh takes the opportunity to tell us about his (and Spanky and Michael Cole) trip to see Buffalo Bill grave. Good thing Boss Man or Cena didn't go with. Cat: "Is that how you pass your time, kid? I remember when I was 19, I did the same thing." Josh redirects before we have any idea where Cat is going with that. Matt up, and putting Spanky on the top rope. Shove, double V1 and Spanky knocks him down with a second rope missile dropkick one two no. Corner whip, reversed, Tiger Mask flip out by Spanky, off the ropes, clothesline is reversed into the Side Effect. Matt is thrilled with himself. One two NO. As Matt chokes Spanky on the top rope, Josh says he also went to the Coors Brewery. Matt distracts so Shannon can get in the rope choke jawbreaker. Matt with the Reality Check (thanks Josh!) one two no. Matt goes to the snap mare hold, but Spanky is battling up. Rights to the midsection, but Matt throws him down by the hair. Oh, your ref is Mike Choida. Boot choke. Powerbomb? No, holding him up in a neckbreaker hold, then an airplane spin before hitting the neckbreaker. Always neat. One two no. Standing surfboard. Spanky standing up out of it, turning it, dropkick to Matt's back. Josh has to recap the Matt/Shannon storyline for Cat. Matt up first and punching. Whip, reversed into a jumping knee to the head. Off the ropes, clothesline. One two no. Corner whip, Spanky with a running boot to the side of the head. Next - Josh: "Climb up enziguri!" one two NO. Spanky drags matt into positron, and goes up. A bit slow, and Matt is up and punching him. Second rope Twist of Fate? Nah, Spanky has feet position and pushes him off. Spanky all the way up, turns around with a hop, then goes Moonsault - but Matt moves. Twist of Fate one two three. (5:48) Replays - Spanky went for it all on the moonsault, and didn't exactly get it all.

Still to Come: Kurt Angle is your new WWE Champion

Next: Jamie and Torrie's Sleepover.

SmackDown Live!
7/3 - Edmonton, AB
7/5 - Kelowna, BC
7/10 - Wichita, KS [SD!]
7/11 - Kansas City, MO
7/12 - St. Louis, MO [SD!]

I think Jill Arrington thinks if she shouts, it won't seem like she's reading lines with no particular inflection.

In the locker room, Shaniqua is giving the Basham Brothers whip shots to the butt by request. Only one person can save us now: "Wow, wow guys - this is Funaki, SmackDown #1 Announcer! Last Sunday, you guys took good beating." Danny: "Good beating? The Basham Brothers will show YOU a good beating!" Doug: "Whoa, whoa, excuse me bro. Funaki, are you still drunk? Last Sunday was not a beating. You come spend one night with us [Shaniqua cracks the whip in her hand] and we'll show you a good beating." Danny: "Obviously, you don't know remember what happened - we got jumped, from behind." "Sucker punched!" "Both of us-" And in to interrupt is the APA. Bradshaw: "Whoa whoa whoa whoa - what you two frooty booties doing?" HE SAID FROOTY BOOTY. Anyway, the APA block the Basham's access to Funaki ("our drunk Japanese") Ron has as problem with the two - "there are three of these guys!" Bradshaw explains that Shaniqua is not actually a man. "Well, I'll be damned, you know what, you're right." "You know what, I'm more women than either of you two could ever handle." "Don't get hot, mister!" Anyway, Bradshaw proposes that the Bashams get a third partner - "not HIM" - and they'll discuss the sucker punch in the ring. Ron is looking for his own whip shot to the butt, but Bradshaw keeps saying Shaniqua is a man as they leave.

I think we were supposed to get the impression the Bashams were about to beat up Funaki and I think he's teaming with the APA, but if I'm writing this sentence right now, it tells you how good of an impression they gave. I guess Shaniqua told them they could speak this week.

Noble/Gunn from Vengeance (5:22) Cat: "I guess three's company and four's not a crowd!" Josh: "I always have four in my bed."

Ultimo Dragon is shadow martial arting! He's next.

Lugz US Title Defense

Nunzio (201 1/4 pounds) vs Ultimo Dragon (Nagoya, Japan, 185 pounds) - No sleep till he gets his hometown back. You know how to tell when they've really given up on Ultimo? When he doesn't have the fire anymore. Nunzio taunts Ultimo out into chasing him around on the floor, Nunzio in, Ultimo in, Nunzio stomping. Boot choke. Josh notes this is Ultimo's Velocity debut. Cat (sounding bored): "Wow." Nunzio is going after the mask! Ultimo got it tied on better, or Nunzio is no Shocker. Whip, Ultimo goes over, rolls under, kick catch leg sweep. Ultimo waits for Nunzio to get up, but his kick is caught and Nunzio trips him to the mat. Slapping Ultimo in the face while he's got him there, but Ultimo kicks him away. Nunzio back on him, but Ultimo uses the headstand headscissors to escape. There's the Five Kick Combo, one two NO. Forearm, whip, reversed, Ultimo gets the ropes, Nunzio chases, Ultimo pulls down the top and Nunzio goes to the floor. Ultimo looks, slingshot to the apron and Nunzio pulls him up. Nunzio the apron, but Ultimo pulls him off. They both collapse to the mat - break? Eh. (1:35)

As Ultimo goes to the second rope with Nunzio on the mat, Josh welcomes us back. "Ultimo Dragon is in the ring with Nunzio, I"m Josh Mathews, sitting ringside with the Cat, the referee is Brian Hebner and now that we've taken attendance, what a clothesline by Nunzio!" Ultimo was doing one of those flying nothings there. One two no. Nunzio kicking the left shoulder of Ultimo. Nunzio cranking on the arm with his leg. Cat makes a point that Nunzio should attack Ultimo's legs, since that's his offense. Josh thinks that's a remarkably good point from the Cat, though I think with the combination of Nunzio's arm based offense and Ultimo's pre-existing shoulder injury (has that really been brought up here much?), the arm is the better bet. Nunzio with the armbar, Ultimo trying to stand up but Nunzio cranks it. "YOU SUCK" Ultimo manages to get to his feet, Ultimo with right, right, right, kick to the leg, double chop, double chop, and Nunzio takes him down with a drop toe hold. Float to a front facelock, whip, backdoor, Dragon lands on his feet, Nunzio with a knee to stop him. Cranking Ultimo's arm over Nunzio's shoulder. Hebner checks on Ultimo, but he won't give. Nunzio with an armbar, and goes for another over the shoulder crank, but Ultimo counters into a sleeper! Ultimo takes Nunzio down, and just when you wonder if he could float around into a Dragon Sleeper, Nunzio kicks him in the head. Ultimo recovers to kick him in the back. Corner whip, reversed, Ultimo wtih the WOW crossbody. Nunzio takes it with a roll, and manages to sidewalk slam Ultimo when they both get up. One two no. Choke. Corner whip, charge into Ultimo's boot. Ultimo pauses for no sensible reason, and Nunzio wisely forearms him in the back. Turnbuckle smashes, then setting Ultimo facing out on the top rope. Back superplex? No, Ultimo punches as he's up there (really weak looking punches), sunset flip powerbomb is blocked by Nunzio grabbing the ropes, but Ultimo finishes the powerbomb anyway. There's the trademark Ultimo collapse after a big move into the corner so he can ax kick the guy as he charges in the corner. Ultimo with a clothesline out, Nunzio ducks and puts on a waistlock, Ultimo with the back kick, spinning back kick, and Dragon Cutter, one two three. (5:18) Josh says it's the "Flipping Neckbreaker", so I guess I'll use that now. That's a lot shorter than your usual commerical break match. Replays. Number of times Josh called Nunzio a "piranha" - 3

Up Next: Vince and Brock and Angle

then they go to black

"St. Anger" by Metallica is SummerSlam's official theme song. Josh says "Metallica is always solid."

And there's the SummerSlam commercial, because it's a big thing to have a shared PPV after three months.

Kurt wins the WWE Title, in stills. (:40)

Kurt, Brock, and Vince on SmackDown (10:59) Well, that's why we got that commercial break back there.

SmackDown!: Brock Lesnar vs Mr. McMahon in a Steel Cage with Kurt as ref - did Josh say "Brock's been trying to get his hands on Vince for such a long time now", because it's only been two or three weeks
SmackDown!: Undertaker vs John Cena in a Vengeance Rematch

Greyhound Undertaker/John Cena stills of Sunday makes it look a lot like Cena beat the heck out of Undertaker

the Basham Brothers (Columbus, OH, 485 pounds, w/Shaniqua) and Sean O'Haire (274 pounds, "Come On" by Waterproof Blonde, Label X Records) vs SmackDown #1 Announcer & APA (886 pounds) - well, logical fit. Hey, call me crazy, but that video just called Ron "Faarooq". What's with that? Cat wants Josh to read Bradshaw's book, so he can retire and leave. Josh speculates that Funaki impressed the APA by being the second to last man standing until drinking too much. I'm glad I never saw that match. Cat thinks Funaki is still drunk. Josh thinks Mike Sparks is still drunk. Josh and Cat discuss their favorite drinks. Tecnicos have to debate who stays in - it'll be Bradshaw and Danny. "APA" Lockup, Danny forced into the corner, knee, forearm to the neck. Headlock, Danny tries to power out but no, shot into the ropes, shoulder . Josh, actually paying attention to the announced weights, notes that Bradshaw and "Faarooq" (wha?) would have to weigh 300 pounds each, with Funaki coming in at 250 or so. "I think Chimel's a little drunk. And if you see the weight that Chimel's put on, you would think he's been drinking a lot." Bradshaw with a big forearm to knock Danny into the ropes, chop, whip, head down too soon, swinging neckbreaker. Whip, reversed, Texas Big Boot. Funaki wants in. He's jumping up and down. Did Bradshaw bow? He gets the tag! Faarooq (sure, why not) gives us a semi-sour expression. Holy crap, Bradshaw's putting on the camel clutch! Funaki claps, bows, and hits the dropkick to the head. Funaki does the celebration bit and gets a high five from a reluctant Bradshaw, who must be flashing back to teaming with TAKA right about now. Danny manages a knee to Funaki to break this up. Right, whip, Funaki ducks the clothesline and hits "the Mexican headscissors", okay. Funaki with a right, whip, dropkick but Danny gets the ropes. Doug in, Doug into a drop toe hold (stop it Josh - if anyone besides Cat was his cohost, they would've gone off about this already.) Armdrag, armbar, tag to whatever his name is now. Faarooq, Josh said it again. What happened here? Have they been doing this for a while and I blocked it out? I like it better than Ron because I'm used to it but it's strange that they changed it back so quietly. Faarooq works Doug over, whip, back elbow, one two no. Cat makes fun of Josh for not showing up for the APA Invite. Josh: "At least I was at Vengeance." Dominator (Josh calls it!!) but Doug slips loose as Faarooq is distracted by Shaniqua on the apron. Faarooq turns back to Doug, and takes a reverse russian legsweep. Tag to Sean, getting in for the first time. Stomp, lift for knees into the corner, and throwing Faarooq down. There's the slide for no reason into a mounted choke. Pin for one. Leg hook for one two no. Sean brings him up to punch him down. Sean thinks he's the man. Spending too much time thinking, Faarooq gets in some shots but Sean batters him back down. Tag to Danny, and holding him for Danny to stomp. Danny throws him in the corner for everyone to get a shot, which annoys Bradshaw. Sparks tries to get him out, and misses the double suplex and the non tag by Doug, beat beat beat while Sparks is still talking to Bradshaw, Sparks finally turns around one two no. Doug off the ropes, right into the spinebuster. Both men down and looking for a tag. Tag to O'Haire, tag to Funaki (missed by the camera - Bradshaw seemed a bit surprised that Funaki took it), Funaki with a dropkick, ducks the clothesline, right, right, whip, no blocked, Funaki kick catch enziguri. Forearm for Danny, charging right into an O'Haire press. O'Haire drops him down into the fireman's carry, but Funaki reverse to an reverse DDT one two NO Danny breaks it up, Bradshaw in with the Clothesline From Heel on him. Doug with the double whip, double shoulderblock. Faarooq goes out after Doug, abut Bradshaw turns into the superkick. O'Haire turns to charge Funaki in the corner, Funaki side steps to hit the bulldog one Shaniqua breaks it up. Funaki going to the top rope for a dive on her, but Sean picks him off the top rope - crucifix powerbomb! One two three (6:16) That would have been a perfect move if he was still the Devil. APA aren't happy. Perhaps next time they'll let Shaniqua wrestle instead.

Confidential is next. They couldn't get Jill Arrington to actually talk about the show except using it as a buzzword, could they?

They never showed the desk shot. Sounded like Cat might have not been at the arena.

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