WWE SATURDAY NIGHT BLOCK RECAPS
Do Not Argue Semantics with Tazz
October 2, 2003

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

TV 14 DLV CC entertainment open generic fireworks

Nunzio (201 1/4 pounds) vs thug life Billy Kidman (Allentown, PA, 215 pounds) - no sleep till we figure out the excuse for no Johnny and Chuck this week. Your announcers are Tazz and Josh. Nunzio's his homeboy. Kidman gets the loud home state reaction. He's wearing an awful lot of purple this week. Circle. Lockup, Nunzio with a takedown, float over into a front facelock, Kidman with a hammerlock, Nunzio stand up, reveres, into a headlock, headlock takedown, Kidman with a headscissors reversal, Nunzio kips free, standoff - no, back off, Nunzio into the corner to get a break. Lockup, no Nunzio with a knee lift. Kidman forced into the corner, clean break - no, punch is ducked, Kidman steps out of the corner, Nunzio tries a boot but it's caught, Kidman with a waistlock, running Nunzio into the ropes, trying for the rebound rollup but Nunzio grabs the the top rope. Nunzio charges - hiptoss, armdrag, 'rana. Kidman waits for Nunzio to get up, charge, backdrop to the apron. Kidman with a shoulder form the apron, flip in the ring, charge and Nunzio pulls down the top - Kidman tot he floor. Nunzio runs Kidman back first into the barricade, then whips him into the apron. Kidman thrown in one two no. Josh says referee Brian Hebner ejected Chuck and Johnny from ringside even before they got to ringside this week. Nunzio doing "Sicilian jumping jacks" according to Tazz, which look quite similar to normal jumping jacks. Stomp. Replay of Kidman going to the floor. Kneeling surfboard. Taking his time. Nunzio talking trash to someone, maybe Josh. Tazz talking trash to Josh, still annoyed that Josh is talking so much. Kidman standing up out of it, turning it, Kidman with a kick, off the ropes, slide under, kick, corner whip, reversed, kip up but Nunzio catches and drops him in inverted powerbomb - one two no. Nunzio kneeling surfboard. "He's got no shot!" Tazz has apparently decided to take this match off. Oh wait there he is - "Nunzio's in complete control of this match, Josh Matthews - IF THAT IS YOUR REAL NAME". Josh is not related to Dave Matthews, it turns out. Before we completely go into Tazz's list of Ma(t)thews, Kidman stands up and gives Nunzio a jawbreaker. Kidman with a corner whip, corner splash and no one's home. Nunzio off the ropes, and Kidman takes him down with a dropkick. Tazz talks up Kidman's dropkick. Josh: "It's like Kidman has springs in his shoes." "Or he can jump real high." Kidman pulling himself in the corner, and Nunzio getting up to charge - right into a boot. Clothesline to the back from Kidman. Clothesline. Whip, big backdrop. Waiting for Nunzio to get up - fireman's carry knee neckbreaker. Springboard bulldog is shoved off, Kidman charges into a back elbow, Nunzio off the second rope with a clothesline one two no. Nunzio picks up Kidman, but Kidman switches to a waistlock, then kinda lifts Nunzio straight up before driving him face first in the mat - Tazz describes it as a reverse BK Bomb and that's accurate enough. One two NO. Tazz says Kidman would've won there if he just held the tights. Kidman with a front facelock, Nunzio slips out, kick wham DDT one two no. Josh: "I don't play softball-" Tazz: "Yea, you just have them." Nunzio slam, Kidman slips behind, foot catch enziguri. Billy pulls Nunzio into position and heads up - Shooting Star Press connects (Josh: "Pull the R Trigger on your Game Cube") one two three (5:52) Announcers debate whether "Later Days" or "Pull the R Trigger on the Game Cube" is the lamer catchphrase. It's pretty tight. Tazz: "I got something for you to pull!"

Still To Come: Friends Don't Shake - they give each other belts.
Next: Eddie is very very busy

SmackDown! Live
09/28 - Brandon, MB
09/29 - Valparaiso, IN [SD!]
09/30 - Milwaukee, WI
10/06 - Trenton, NJ
10/07 - Hartford, CT [SD!]

The First Of Many Many SmackDown The Vote Bits For This Campaign Year. (:55) Josh: "The goal is Two Million More In 2004 - and that rhymes!"

Eddie defends his title, and then later, defends his title. Good thing he didn't have to do this three times - no one ever wins doing it three times. Why was Big Show there? (6:44)

Still To Come: Brock Officially Got A Belt That He Sure Looked To Be Caressing The Week Before

WMXIX Excuse To Get Angle Out Of The Show

Crowbar (249 pounds, already sliding in the ring) vs Sean O'Haire (274 pounds) - Crowbar gets music and a partially televised entrance? Oh, they had to do the ads. Tazz calls Sean a big cat. "Didn't you used to work with a guy named Cat?" "Yea, Ernest the Cat!" "Someone called his momma, I heard." I wonder how big the audience share is that not only knows what "Machiavellian" means, but actually believes it makes any sense in the context of Sean O'Haire? It's almost an either or thing, I'd think. You know, I've liked Crowbar in a previous life, but this isn't actually the match that'll show you why - an unusual amount of basic mat wrestling/basic ropes spots even for a WWE B-Show heavyweight match. You would think these two would be familiar with each other, but then I'd have to go check to make sure. So instead of calling the match, how about calling the people who called the match:

Josh says Tazz has knows Crowbar, but Tazz denies that. 
Josh: "Yes, you do - remember, you guys had a match, before." 
Tazz: "No, I really don't know - I never wrestle a man named Crowbar in my life." 
Josh: "Liar - standing switch there by Crowbar"
Tazz: "I'm not lying! You're a liar, you little shmuck. I never wrestled a guy named Crowbar. I wrestled a guy named Devon Storm, never a guy named Crowbar. So do your homework."
Josh reminds us that Crowbar is a former WCW Tag, Cruiserweight and Hardcore champion. He does not mention that in a alternate universe version of this show that was the dying days of WCW Worldwide, Crowbar was the Sean O'Haire of that show. Actually, more the Kidman.
Tazz: [getting back to the real topic] "So, Josh, you still want to try to bash me on national TV - we're on Spike TV, they love me on Spike by the way."
Josh: "I wasn't trying to embarrass you-"
Tazz: "I never wrestled a man named Crowbar in my life, I wrestled Crowbar when he wrestled under a different name! [calls match]
Josh: "The guy in the ring right there, you've had a match with. Crowbar."
Tazz: "Yes. But not as Crowbar, as a different name. Like you, when you were on Tough Enough - oh, you were actually the same, actually a different name, but that's a different story too."
Josh: "What the hell are you talking about?"
Tazz: "I have no idea! But that was a drop toe hold by CROWBAR"
Tazz moves on to noting how long Crowbar takes putting on a headlock, and Crowbar's head size.
Josh: "Crowbar, a BMX biker in the off-season-"
Tazz: "That has a lot to do with the wrestling match"
Josh: "Talking about his knee pads. He's got BMX biking kneepads."
Tazz: "You don't know what those kneepads are for! I mean you wear kneepads - [O'Haire with a big open hand slap] OOOH! - and you're not a wrestler."
Josh: "Only in my social life do I wear kneepads."
Back to calling the match and noting Crowbar and O'Haire's nuttiness. Josh works in "Shades Of Pokerface" on a Crowbar dropkick.
Tazz: [talking about O'Haire] "the Machiavellian - who's Machiavelli anyway? 
Josh: "A rapper."
Tazz: "Oh, I hear you, I hear you."
Josh: "Sean O'Haire driving Crowbar into the mat there."
Tazz: "Crowbar, very religious."
Josh: "I don't know what that has to do with anything, ah-"
Tazz: "He's got whole-y pants!"
Both crack up. Talk about Eddie, and then the match. Talk turns to O'Haire's exact level of MMA prowess
Tazz: "I was gonna call him the Mixed Martial Artist master, but I don't know if he's a Master. I know he's got a black belt in Kempo-"
Josh: "Doesn't that make you a master, if you have a black belt?"
Tazz: "No, as usual, you're saying you're only talking about. Just because you've got a black belt doesn't make you a master. You need certain levels of a Dan, which is, uh, you know, like a black belt, different level of a black belt to become a sensei."
Josh: "Crowbar's got a black belt on right now."
Tazz: "Actually, he does. Good point."
Josh: "So Crowbar's technically a black belt!"
Tazz: "Well-"
Josh: "HEY referee Mike Sparks has a black belt on too!"
Tazz: "And look at you, you got a pink belt on, and what does that make you, you little silly little [pauses as he remembers this is being taped for TV and the words he'd like to use aren't that good of an idea] you know, what I always call you in the back."
Josh starts randomly talking about the Karate Kid and the Crane, only notable for unenthusiastic Tazz's "yea, that's funny. That's funny" responses are. Back to calling the match. O'Haire uses the spine kick.
Josh: "If Sean O'Haire wasn't a professional wrestler, he could be a field goal kicker!"
Tazz: "He IS a professional wrestler, Josh."
Josh: "I said if he wasn't"
Tazz: "Oh, okay."
Sean puts on an armbar, opening up Crowbar's midsection to view
Tazz: "Crowbar's put some weight on - but he looks good though!"
Josh: "Yea, Crowbar a former cruiserweight champion in WCW - I don't think Crowbar is Cruiserweight eligible."
Tazz: "Well, I'm no one to talk, I put weight on too, but then again I'm retired."
Calling some more of the match, but Tazz can't let go of the subject.
Tazz: "You know who needs to put weight on, right, you know who need to put weight on?"
Josh: "Who?"
Tazz: "Michael Cole - know what he says to me? Lookat this, full body slam right here."
Josh: "No Tazz what did Michael Cole say to you?"
Tazz: "On SmackDown, that fool Cole says to me 'Cruiserweights don't like food, they don't eat catering.' What kinda comment was that?"
Josh: "I don't know - I mean, Michael Cole does call himself Shoelace too - oh, small package! [kickout]
Tazz: "That's because he's built like one!"
Crowbar tries to work a jab sequence but O'Haire isn't turning around for it soon enough and Tazz points out the time waste (in the "Crowbar shouldn't wait to follow up" sense). Tazz says Crowbar but it comes out something like "Clawbar", so Josh helps out.
Josh: "Crow. Bar."
Tazz: "Crow? CAW CAW! CAW CAW! CAW CAW! You say crow, I crowed, like a, like a, CAW CAW!"
Josh makes his weekly bad "let's go to a bar and do this" joke. O'Haire hits the Inverted DVD for the pin (5:45), which I'm apparently not supposed to call the Widowmaker now.

Tonight: Orlando Jordan vs Rhyno

The SECRET WORLD OF LUCHA LIBRE? Well, it is a pain finding on Galavision lately.

Y2J Stinging Mist of Last Thursday

Ultimo Dragon and Funaki (393 pounds) vs Joey Matthews and Jason Picaro (405 pounds, already in the ring) - Ultimo coaches Funaki on the fire shooting this week. Lots of shots of the FujiTV people, because they're Japanese too. Tazz is mad at Chimel for interrupting him. Tazz sees a Ultimo/Orlando feud based on Orlando being a former fireman. No graphic, so who knows how Jason's last name is spelled. Jason and Funaki lockup, Jason armdrag - he woos, Joey claps. Lockup again, Funaki hammerlock into a headlock, Funaki shot off, over, under, stop, whip of his own, armdrag. Armdrag. Dropkick. Tag to Ultimo, double whip, double back elbow one two no. Snap mare, double boot scrape, chinlock, quickly to a grounded front facelock to open Jason up for knees to the head.  Jason manages to get up and push Ultimo in his corner, Joey making the tag in. Break - Joey and Ultimo circle, then fight - Joey with a kick, and we break open an open hand slap battle. Joey's probably living a dream right here - kneelift ends it. Ultimo to one knee, so Joey has time to bow to two sides of the ring. Whip, Ultimo rolls under a clothesline, kick is blocked, Joey misses with the left, misses with the left, Ultimo sweep. Five Kick Combo! One two no. Tazz says his grandma used to beat him up the same way when he didn't go to school. Toehold by Ultimo - twisting legdrop on the knee. Tag to Funaki. Make a wish! Funaki with rights, whip, head down too soon and he gets forearmed. Tag to Jason - who runs right into a drop toe hold. Probably not his plan. Funaki off the ropes, dropkick to the head. Funaki follows up as Jason gets up - rights. Blind tag by Joey, but Funaki doesn't know it and whips Jason, Jason grabs the ropes, Funaki is looking at him and missing Joey come in, Russian Legsweep. "YEAAAA!" Elbow to the head, snap mare. Off the ropes, knee drop. One two NO. Front facelock, tag to Jason, Jason with a forearm to the back. Tazz wonders if Jason Picaro paid for the Chicago Bears, and then realizes: "No, that's Brian Piccolo." Josh: "Who? Brian Urlacher's his name" - THAT'S IT, YOU'VE BEEN DISOWNED BY CHICAGO. Seriously for a second, Josh is totally Internet Fan Who Thinks He Knows Everything (but no - Tazz is "Actual Worker who dislikes Internet Fan Who Thinks He Knows Everything") which has good and bad points and that was one of the really bad ones. Match? Right. Backslide by Funaki, one two no. Jason with a running jumping clothesline, but slow to follow up - tag to Joey, right. Joey with that snapmare chinlock. Josh: "Shaniqua's always inserting herself!" Tazz: "Well, Shaniqua's always inserting herself, and sometimes she's inserting other people too." Joey with a corner whip, charge but no one's home, Funaki bulldog. Long way to go to make that tag. Tag to Dragon, tag to JP. Dropkick, double chop, double chop, open hand slap, corner whip, reversed, Ultimo with a WOW crossbody, wheel kick. Joey yells and charges, and gets backdropped for his effort. Spinning back kick for him. Jason back up, so Ultimo races past him to the ropes - QUEBRADA! German Suplex! One two Joey breaks it up. Joey waves hi finger no, and Funaki dropkicks him from behind. Joey rolls out, Funaki wants to do the pescado but Joey keeps on walking, so Funaki just follows him and waits for Joey to stop, pescado! Ultimo back on Jason - 'rana rolled thru one two NO. Joey did a good job of holding Funaki back there. Dragon with another back kick, and showing he's quickly adapting to the WWE style, Ultimo does his Fire Starter motion to tell fans what's next - Asai DDT! One two three (6:00) That's what Josh called it this week. Our heroes shake hands with the Japanese and US announcers.

Up Next: Title Presentation

Undertaker/Brock stuff. Don't ever try use one of those Slip N' Slides around Undertaker - he don't let anything SLIDE. (4:58) Black screen. Did my - oh here we go

No Mercy: Brock Lesnar (c) vs Undertaker WWE Championship
No Mercy: Vince McMahon vs Stephanie McMahon in an I Quit mach
SmackDown: Special Interview With Zach Gowen

Time the Rundown ad? Nah.

Rhyno (Detroit, MI, 275 pounds) vs Orlando Jordan (Miami, FL, 240 pounds) - Tazz was going to star in the Rundown, but he thought Rock should have it. Josh: "I think I read on the Internet that's true." Tazz: "Well, if it's on the Internet, it had to be true." You guys as bored as I am? Standoff. Rhyno don't circle. Okay maybe he does. Lockup - no, Rhyno with a kick, right, headlock, crank, Orlando shots him off, Orlando back wiht a shoulderblock. Rhyno off the ropes, over, under, waved by and out. Orlando running - baseball slide dropkick. Orlando out after him, right, thrown in, Orlando going to the top, top rope cross body one two no. How does a guy from Miami, FL end up on the Boise St. wrestling team? Do they have green mats? Orlando with rights, whip, reversed, Concrete Crunch, one two no. Josh, continuing a (make good because he's so jobbing here) commentator push of Orlando claims that he'll be on SmackDown many Thursdays to come. Tazz questions that, but Josh defends by saying he read that on the Internet too - he just got it, and it's got all that stuff about wrestling. Rhyno with right hands. Orlando with rights. Josh has walked Tazz into singing "Welcome to the Jungle". Of course, he only knows six words. Rhyno with a kick - Alley Oop onto the turnbuckle! Slow enough that it didn't kill him, but he's playing dead. Kick, short clothesline, one two no. Rhyno arguing rather than following up. Stomp. Orlando trying to fight his way up but Rhyno keeps him down with forearms. Snap mare. Chinlock. Confidential is next - as they both point out the graphic. Tazz loves the eyeball click. Orlando battling up and out, Rhyno with a forearm to stop him. Rhyno not in any hurry. Tazz says Kurt/Brock Iron Man match will go down as one of the best of all time - which really isn't saying much, since only three exist in their minds. Rhyno with a right. Whip, reversed into a backslide one two no. Orlando up, but right into a bearhug - side belly to belly suplex. Josh calls it release, and I guess it is in the context that Rhyno is now standing without lifting Orlando back up, but not really much elsewise. Rhyno sets up for the Gore - but Orlando side steps and Rhyno gets the corner turnbuckle. Rights, whip, reversed, Orlando with the fivearm. And Another. Dropkick. Jab jab shuffle right one two no. Corner whip, Orlando charges into a back elbow. Rhyno charges out into a powerslam one two NO. Rhyno is whipped, reversed, Rhyno puts his head down too soon and gets it kicked. Orlando a little slow and Rhyno clotheslines him. Setting up again - you think he'll miss twice? NO. One two three. (5:11)

Confidential is next.

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