WWE SATURDAY NIGHT BLOCK RECAPS
The Return of Funaki
April 26, 2004

by The Cubs Fan
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Theodore Long gets his own entrance? "Let me holla at you, playa. It's time for everybody in this arena to feast your eyes on the prize, you feel me? Now I want everybody in this arena to stand up on your feet, and show some love for the man that has the face of a god, now you better believe that. Now I want everybody to stand up and show your love for the man that has the body of Adonis. So ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the man that is the reflection of perfection. Now you don't help me here in the house tonight, can I get an amen. This man, he is Mark Jindrak, everyone stand up and show your love." Teddy continues to implore the fans to stand up as Jindrak enters. There's a mirror in the ring, of course. Long: "Mirror mirror on the wall, he's the prettiest of them all." Prettiest? I don't think Jindrak would make the Guapo U cut. Here's Orlando's music to save us.

Mark Jindrak (no weight, no hometown, but a mirror w/Theodore R. Long) vs Orlando Jordan (Miami, FL, 247 pounds) - Wow, the mirror vanished from the ring! I wonder if Long made a deal with the Undertaker or something. He's not using the bike anymore, anyway. Josh: "Mark Jindrak is one of the most up and coming superstars here in the WWE", which explains why he's facing Orlando on Velocity, and why Josh got an F in grammar (I'm guessing.) Bill: "How do we know that's not one of those circus mirrors?" I'm so not going to make it sixty minutes this week. Lockup, Orlando with a healdock, shot off, under, into a horrible armdrag. "HUH? HUH?" Yea, I'm wondering about that one too, Mark. Jindrak smiles at his muscles. Josh: "Most people at nine years old can't tie their shoes, and Orlando was boxing people." Perhaps with his shoes untied. Bill: "My nine year old can tie her shoes!" Lockup, armbar, top wristlock. Josh: "Am I the only one who couldn't tie my shoes at 9? I still have velcro shoes." Crowd has been chanting "EDDIE" off and on since the bell. Orlando uses the ropes to flip out of the wristlock but ends up taking a better armdrag. Jindrak kips up to try and be impressive, and then tells Orlando to leave, to try and be Doug Basham. Bill: "I don't even know who Adonis is, and he's compared to be like Adonis." Josh tells us that Mark Jindrak bench press 300 pounds when he was five. I think the story about Jimmy Korderas refing his first match from inside the womb is next. Anyway, Orlando didn't leave. Lockup, Jindrak with a knee. Right. Jindrak spends seven seconds admiring how his biceps look when he throws punches, while Josh says this is the best possible way to start off Velocity. I guess that's true, if the only other way to start Velocity would be a gun shot to the head, and even then it's a toss up. Jindrak charges Orlando in the corner and meets Orlando's right hand. Armbar. Crank. Crank. Forearm to the arm, punch to the arm, Jindrak gets in a knee to the back, clubbing forearm to the upper back. Stomps. Right hand. Kick. Shoulders. Choke. Did Luger have LL trunks? Stasiak did. Well, not LL. Orlando comes back after Jindrak argues with Korderas about choking. Right hands, shoulder, shoulder, Jindrak clubs the back till he stops. Bill thinks the whole Paul Heyman Returns To SmackDown angle doesn't make any storyline sense. Corner whip, reversed back, and Jindrak runs into an elbow this time. Orlando out, and he gets to take a dropkick. Jindrak decides now would be a good time to do situps. So he's Steiner too? Orlando trying to rally back with punches, and Jindrak is apparently okay with this as he doesn't try anything for the first four punches. Jindrak misses one by a lot, Orlando more punches, whip, reversed, and Orlando with the fivearm. Back elbow, clothesline, Whip, backdrop - Jindrak spins around and lands on his chest for some reason. One two no. Jab Jab jab shuffle, bit right misses, Jindrak back suplex into a rock bottom one two three (4:05) that's the Mark of Excellence, ah. And he's now the Reflection Of Perfection - wait, shouldn't that be his mirror? Unless he's a bizarre mirror image of Hennig, which may require the use of funhouse mirrors. Let's just call the whole thing off. As Theodore Long leaps into Jindrak's arms, Josh shouts "Theodore Long loves Mark Jindrak!" I guess they're working on a backup minority group in case Hispanics don't work out?

Your announcers are Bill and Josh, and this is Velocity #101 - looks like I can't correctly keep count. It's also the last one at this time slot

Tonight: the Basham Brothers vs Hardcore Holly and Billy Gunn. Yea, not lasting sixty.

Still to come: the return of Paul Heyman's SmackDown.

Godsend creepy kiss of Thursday

Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV, 200 pounds) vs Spike Dudley (150 pounds) - they must've drawn well, but we get a wide shot on Noble's entrance. Josh: "Spike Dudley representing on Velocity!" Representing what? Fives for everyone, including Bill (but not Josh - he didn't put this hand out.) Velocity moves next week. Your ref is Charles Robinson. Josh wastes no time in making the "Spike on Spike" joke. Crowd chants Spike? Crowd is very chant willing tonight. Circle. Noble is annoyed with that chant. I guess Spike wrestling with no shirt is now the thing. Josh: "Now my friends can stay up and see Velocity - before they'd be too drunk be asleep before it started." Lockup, Noble and Spike spin around on the ropes a few time before settling with Spike in the corner. Noble is slow in offering the break, but it's clean? Okay. Lockup, no Spike goes low and Noble catches him into a front front facelock. Around into a waistlock, Spike spins Noble over to his back, Noble with a headscissors, Spike ties up Nobel's legs and slips out of the headscissors, float around into a front facelock, Noble spins out into an armbar. Spike rolls to a reversal. Putting pressure on the wrist. Noble rolls and handstands to reverse. Into a hammerlock. Spike trying to get to the ropes, then drops down and sends Noble out of the ring. Noble is annoyed. Back in, shove for Spike.  Shove back by Noble forehead to forehead, and Noble ends that with a knee to the midsection. Right hand. Spike battling back with forearms, snap mare, rights to the head. Noble thrown out again. Spike coming out after him, smash into the barricade. In, but Spike asks if the other side wants Noble in front of them. They agree, so out Noble goes for a third time. Spike out to scoop Spike off and slam him on the mat. Spike to the apron, double stomp! Spike throws Noble back in, Okie roll one two no. Whip, inverted atomic drop, taking a step back, and a 'rana. Spike hits a clothesline, one two no. Spike with a whip, reversed, and Jamie Noble drops him neck first on the top rope. Noble stomps. Short clothesline. Bill drops "froot booty" again. Noble holds Spike up in a seated position and goes to town with kicks to the back. Five, and topping it with a legdrop one two no. One two no. Reverse neckbreaker one two no. Chinlock. Spike gets back up to his feet, armdrag out. Noble is quicker though, and kicks Spike down. Cravate. Noble would Spike to give up. Spike punching out, off the ropes, into a sleeper. Spike looking for a way out, but now he' s not moving. Down to one one knee. Noble tells Spike to give up, and Spike starts rallying back. Maybe he shouldn't try that next time. Spike walks up the corner and pushes  backwards on top for the cover, one two no. Inside cradle one two no. Noble kick, scoop, Spike escapes to Noble's shoulders, victory roll one two no. Noble just knocks Spike down before he can do any more. Following up, but Spike uses the tights to throw Noble out. Spike's working a bit heelish here, you notice? Spike going up top - plancha to the floor. Noble thrown back in, and Spike going up. Noble up to his feet. Chop, right hand, superplex blocked, blocked, Spike with right hands to push him off. Top rope stomp, Noble moves out of the way, Spike lands on his feet anyway (duh!) and grabs Noble, Dudley Dog, Noble shoves him off into the corner. Noble charges into a back elbow, Spike hops on his back for a victory roll, Noble blocks it in mid roll and sits on top, one two three (7:14) Wow, I was hoping he would win but I didn't think he would. Spike can't believe it. Josh: "Jamie Noble has pinned every cruiserweight there is!", sure.

tonight:

SmackDown Live!
04/25 - Wichita Fallas, TX [WMRevenge]
04/27 - Okalhmoa Cit, OK [SD!]
05/02 - El Paso, TX [WMRevenge]
05/03 - Odessa, TX [WMRevenge]
05/04 - Tuscon, AZ [SD!]

Drakengard Fracno/El Paso teamwork of Thursday

SmackDown #1 Announcer Funaki (Japan, 208 pounds) vs (#1 contender) Nunzio (201 pounds) - wow, it's been a while; Funaki hasn't been on this show in 11 weeks. Josh: "Great to see Funaki back here on Velocity." Bill: "No comment!" Okay. Funaki would like everyone to clap. Nunzio would like them not the clap. So, they - chant "FOO NOC EEE". Kelowna people need to get out more. Nunzio tells them to shut up. Lockup, break. Nunzio bicep pose. Funaki turns to the crowd to see what they think of that, Nunzio starts to rush him, Funaki turns around, and Nunzio stops short. Bill thinks no one should ever try to help Torrie, because when they do, they get chokeslammed off 25 feet high ledges or beat up by French people. It's a theory. Nunzio makes nice and gets i a knee. Kick to the ribs. Whip, reversed, hiptoss by Funaki, hiptoss by Funaki. Armbar. Nunzio complains to Brian Hebner about Funaki pulling his hair, waits for Brian to circle over to Funaki, and uses a hairpull to drop Funaki. Hebner still saw it, and they discuss till Nunzio turns back to Funaki and takes an armdrag. Nunzio rolls out to take a break, not realizing Funaki s out after him. Funaki throws Nunzio in, Nunzio tries crawling out the other side but gets caught in the ropes and pulled out. Whip, head down too soon, Nunzio kicks Funaki in the head. Nunzio charges and takes another armdrag, dropkick one two no. Funaki with a right hand, right hand, corner whip, reversed, Funaki tries the WOW crossbody and gets dropkicked. One two no. Trash talking. Stomp. Snap mare. Elbow to the neck. Nerve hold? Eh. Funaki will not give up. "YES!" "NO!" "YES!" "NO!" "YES!" "NO!" Funaki battling up now, elbow, elbow, thrown down by hair no blocked, and Nunzio pulled down by his hair. Funaki covers, Hebner won't count because of the hairpull but it wouldn't been three, Nunzio with a running knee to stop Funaki and yell at Brian for not calling hairpulls. Nunzio sits Funaki up, off the ropes, dropkick to the head. Nerve hold - actually, it looks more like the Claw to the shoulder, which Bill and Josh point out. Josh and Bill have odd arguments. Bill is Italian and half Irish. Josh: "I didn't know DeMott was Italian." Bill: "You didn't know DeMott existed till I sat down next to you!" "Well played Bill. Well played." Funaki tries to elbow out, Nunzio stops him and tries a back elbow, but Funaki blocks and hits more elbows. Kick caught enziguri. Both are down. One two three four - Funaki crawls on top, one two NO. Nunzio grabs Funaki's legs, Funaki kicks Nunzio away. Nunzio comes back at Funaki, Funaki grabs him in a small package one two no. Nunzio misses a clothesline, Funaki bulldog. One two NO. Bill: "So would that be a Japanese Bulldog? Because they have them." Josh has a Yorkshire Terrier and she's four pounds, for all those obsessive Josh fans. Funaki suplex is blocked, Nunzio's suplex is blocked, Nunzio's suplex is blocked, Funaki tries an armbar takedown but that's blocked, Nunzio with an inside cradle and maybe some tights one two three (5:27) Yea, I'm pretty sure he had the tights - so is Funaki. Josh has no idea. Oh wait, he got it now, someone must've yelled at him in his earpiece. Here's the reverse angle replay to help him out. Josh pronounces Nunzio "apparently still the number one contender." This is a fine story they're telling, but I think they've run out of Japanese cruiserweights for Nunzio to beat. Don't even say Akio.

Up Next: Eddie vs D-Von Dudley, a main event anywhere in the country

Bill and Josh talk about the shocking pick of interim GM

And there Paul is. So is he now gonna be the Dudleyz manager? They never really addressed Bill's point of "Wait, this makes NO sense" - maybe Monday? QUESTION OF THE DAY: Better pay per view title challenger: D-Von Dudley or Bradshaw? I think they might have found a way to make Bradshaw look good. (5:47)

Judgment Day: John Bradshaw Layfield vs Eddie Guerrero (c) for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship

Hardcore Holly is walking! Hardcore Holly is disgusted by Billy Gunn's pushups! Hardcore Holly is angry for no particular reason!

The Bashams are so enthused, they spin around together in place. They're not doing it right.

Am insane enough to recap WWE Experience even once?

Hardcore Holly (Mobile, AL, 234 pounds) and Billy Gunn (269 pounds) vs Basham Brothers (Columbus, OH, 495 pounds) - Josh tries to explain himself to Bill. Well, not all of himself. I think we've decided this is a team of an angry guy and a fun loving guy, combining to form a team that I'll - probably skip recapping again, sure. They're giving this 13 minutes (minus a break)? Yea. No. DeMott is scared by the tag team of Rico and Haas. Josh accuses the Bashams "of pulling switches and doing all sorts of wacky shenanigans." Like that time where they spun around in place. DeMott: "Billy Gunn puts the F U in FUN". Josh wonders if Paul Heyman being a GM is a one night thing. Seeing as that night was Thursday and now it's Saturday, shouldn't he know? Hebner sees the super low blow but says it's a kick to the abs. Josh says that Doug is going toe to toe with Hardcore Holly. How often do people go toe to toe? I mean, maybe if you're slow dancing, but Doug and Hardcore are not slow dancing. Usually you like some personal space. Hardcore has the Alabama Slam loaded up on Doug at 3:50, but Hebner argues with Gunn, Danny provides the kick, Doug brings the DDT, and we get no warning before going into a break. (3:59)

Josh says Doug was in control the break, and Danny is into work over Hardcore as we come back. Crowd is trying a Hardcore chant and finding it problematic. Bill calls Hardcore's move "the Alabama Jam" in a horrible mistake that will cause Holly to hunt him down in the coming days. I don't even know what the wacky fans are chanting now. Josh: "the Bashams have always been a tag team." "Always?" "Always." "That's a long time." Bashams can't decide if they're working the neck or the back. There's the dropkick. There's the tag to Gunn. Rights for everyone. Tilt-a-whirl slam for Doug, jumping corner splash for Danny. Doug sent out, Danny given Rosey's finisher, one two Doug breaks it up and Gunn is poked in the eye. Hardcore clubs Doug out of the ring, but Doug throws Hardcore into the steps, then switches with Danny in the ring. Gunn goes back to the downed Basham in the ring, and Doug does a horrible job of keeping the switch secret by using his trademark leg lariat. One two NO. That's the Last Impression. I need to update my list. Whip, quick reverse by Gunn into a kick, fameasser. (8:49) Wow, that switch helped. Turning point is the Bashams stopping Hardcore Holly from hitting the Alabama Slam, but it not working out later.

That's it.

Goodbye Confidential. You were at least a lot better than Excess.

Spike TV Saturday Schedule: Saturday, May 1st (all times CST)
5:00 PM - Trucks! "Gibson Guitar (2003)
5:30 PM - Trucks! "Mario at the Track" (2003)
6:00 PM - WWE Velocity (#102, 2004)
7:00 PM - Ride With FunkMaster Flex "Eminem" (2003)
7:30 PM - Ride With FunkMaster Flex "Nelly" (2003)
8:00 PM - Trucks! "Chevy Diesel Edge Products" (2004 - but still a rerun)
8:30 PM - Trucks! "Custom Metal Work" (2003)
9:00 PM - Horsepower TV "Project Nightmare Blower" (2004 - but still a rerun)
9:30 PM - Horsepower TV "Super Nova" (2003)
10:00 PM - Car and Driver Television "10 Best" (2004 - but still a rerun)
10:30 PM - Car and Driver Television "New York Auto Show" (2003)

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