Still to Come: No Touching! The road to WM becomes a long car trip.

Hulk Still Rules: Hulk Hogan vs Iron Sheik, 1984. Oh please no. The only part of this I like is Hogan can't get inducted again, right? Right?

HoF hype. Am I recapping that show? I don't think we want me recapping that show. I don't think I want me recapping that show. But if they're doing it instead of Velocity and Heat, then - wow, easy week for me. Hmmmmmmm.

WM21: Triple H (c) vs Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship
WM21: Jericho vs Benoit vs Christian vs Edge vs Benjamin vs Kane in a Money in the Bank (Ladder) Match for a World Heavyweight Title Opportunity, time of their chosen. 
WM21: Trish Stratus (c) vs Christy Hemme for the Women's Championship
WM21: Rowdy Roddy Piper vs Stone Cold Steve Austin in Piper's Pit
WM21: Akebono vs Big Show in a Sumo Match
Wm21: Shawn Michaels vs Kurt Angle
WM21: JBL (c) vs John Cena for the WWE Championship
WM21: Undertaker vs Randy Orton

Why would that one get last bill? Because we're going into the contract signing clips now. Wait, wasn't Luther supposed to be not afraid too? And then - stunningly - he was? Good they're repeating the excitement of that one. NOT THE LIGHTS. If Orton didn't suck, would you feel bad for him? Since it's probably going to turn out all right anyway. (3:37)

Tonight: Heidenreich. Oh goody.

Boot of the Week, presented by Birdman Lugz, is apparently Marty Jannety's, as Angle twists it to make him tap out, and send him to four months of wasting all over our time on Heat. Good for him for getting a paycheck out of us. I didn't quite figure out what it means to be a number one stunna, I must say.

Mark Jindrak (Atlanta, GA, 263 pounds) vs Spike Dudley (150 pounds) - HE HAD ENOUGH and now he's back for another long painful run. Couldn't we have combined this and the Heidenreich match somehow? Save me some time. Oh no he's apparently a face! This match wasn't interesting when he was a bad guy and he was a good guy - can they do better now? Should I wait till the end to take a guess? Charles is your ref. We're all just waiting for the left hand. Circle. Lockup, no, Spike ducks under, headlock, sat down on the top rope, and Jindrak back off. Why am I watching this. Spike with a shove, Jindrak shoves him down. Circle. Jindrak getting the fans to clap, good for him. It'll keep me away. Spike with a waistlock but JINDRAK IS JUST TOO BIG and eh. Spike ducks a clothesline but gets shoulderblocked and takes pratfalls on the outside. Josh marks out for the Rockers. Pose down. Test of Strength? No, kick. Josh and Romero have a conversation too ludicrous to be recorded here, which doesn't seem possible. Battering ram - BUT JINDRAK'S ABS ARE TOO STRONG! To save me from this pain, I'll give you Josh saying "You can see how many bodybuilding competitions I've been in" and leave it. Corner whip by Mark, cross body to take himself out, leaping to the top rope crossbody crashes and burns with spike moving out of the way, and you love to see that. Spike dropkicks him in the back of the head. Knee choke to the back of the head. Wrist tape choke. You'd think Jindrak should be dead for how long they're holding it in here, but apparently his abs prevent that too. Romero thinks Ali would've destroyed Tyson. Jindrak rams Spike into the post to get free finally. Scoop, throwing slam, clothesline, I Can Jump High Dropkick, I Can Throw You High flapjack, I Can Jump High cross body misses because spike drops down. Spike going up as Jindrak lands in position and I fear I know what's next - yep, the top rope stomps don't work because his abs are TOO STRONG. Jindrak gets about 68% of a kip up, and calls for the punch as Spike unknowingly celebrates. Bart Gunn KO punch, one two three. (3:59) No. Josh: "It's a million dollar left hand on Mark Jindrak" - I urge him to cut it off and trade it in for value.

Up Next: Heidenreich.
WM Recall: Pete Rose gets Tombstoned.

WWE Slam of the Week is on like Donkey Kong Jungle Beat: I guess this is Heidenreich's poetry slam. Horrible. 

Heidenreich (New Orleans, LO, 285 pounds) vs Sean Evans (Winston-Salem, SC, 237 pounds) - Heidenreich is working hard on his twitches tonight. Your ref is Nick. Josh: "If I were Sean Evans, I wouldn't be!" If I was recapping this match, I wouldn't be. The highlight is me half paying attention, looking up, and thinking it's Fake Sting in there. Not quite, but he's got the tights for it. Heidenreich is shouting and rambling - Romero: "The good thing is we can always understand what Heidenreich is saying." The bad thing is we can always understand what Heidenreich is saying.  Evans helpful runs right into the Bossman slam. (1:34) Heidenreich seems unsure what to do after getting the three count, which seems about right.    

Up Next: Cena, the king of insults (in third grade) 
WM21: Angle and Christy. Best stolen bit from the Observer ever: "All thoughts that Hemme has no talent need to be put to rest"

WM21: 15 Days Away.
SD!: JBL/Bashams vs Cena/Rey/Eddie (3:01)
WM21: JBL (c) vs John Cena for the WWE Championship

SmackDown! Live (changed these?)
03/20 - Hattiesburg, MS  [SD!RTW21LT]
03/21 - Jackson, MS [SmackDown! Live]
03/22 - Memphis, TN [SD!]
03/29 - Houston, TX [SD!]
04/03 - Los Angeles, CA [WM21 - sold out]

Stone Cold Stunner: Austin runs over the Rock's car and drove into the arena, 1999. That's not exactly my top pick - actually, that's not even my top pick of things involving Austin and open graves, but this one involves beating up the Rock and that one was Triple H, and I really need more things to do if I'm spending time connecting those dots.

Scotty 2 Hotty & Funaki (388 pounds) vs Hardcore Holly & Charlie Haas (539 pounds) - Scotty is ahead of Funaki on the music chart? That's not right. Scotty's wearing some old gear, I think. Romero asks Josh if he has to the Too Cool music on CD - Rikishi did. The weights might be wrong because people can't shut up and I can't be bothered to look at last week's notes. Josh: "Every time I get in the shower, I make this music, and play it in my bathroom. I dim the lights and do all  crazy stuff while this music is being played. And when I get out of the shower, I play Scotty 2 Hotty's music and I dance around." Whoa. He's got strobe lights! His girlfriend loves it! Which one? Haas and Funaki to start. Circle. Haas with a waistlock, takedown, front facelock, Funaki slips behind into a hammerlock. Haas with a drop toe hold to escape, into a hammerlock. Up, into an armbar, tightening it up to a wristlock. Funaki tries to roll out of it, and get flipped back. Twisting the rest hard, much to Funaki's discomfort. Funaki gets back to his feet, only to be put in an armbar, and Haas forearms the arm hard. Sit down on the left arm for more punishment. Whip, Funaki gets in a dropkick to the knee, elbow drop to the inside of the leg, and a leg grapevine to stretch it. Funaki to his feet, toe hold, kicking at Funaki's knee. Haas trying to kick out of it with his other leg - he eventually shoves Funaki away. Standoff, tag in to Hardcore, Hardcore wants Scotty? Why? Why not. There's the tag. Circle. Lockup, Hardcore with a headlock. Top wristlock, into a Scotty headlock, shot off, over, under, kick to the midsection, whip, hiptoss, but Hardcore kicks him away. Shoulder powerslam one two NO. Romero is struggling to come up with Matthew Lesko's name, comparing Scotty's pants to his useful outfit. It's annoying Josh, half because he didn't do it first. Hardcore kicks Scotty in the corner, corner whip, reversed, Hardcore kips up and out, and Scotty kills him dead with a superkick. One two not dead enough. He's a zombie of some kind. Armbar. "Gizmo? No, that was that nasty little Gremlin." Tag to Funaki, who takes over the armbar. Funaki stomping it in. Hardcore verses with a kick, and a headlock. Shot of, back with a shoulderblock. Hardcore over, into a armdrag, armdrag (Hardcore landing on his shoulder and nearly on the bad neck), Funaki takes Hardcore over with a headlock takedown (which looks odd and very very talky), Hardcore goes for the headscissors reversal, Funaki ain't having that. This is a weird match. Both up, but Hardcore nails Funaki with a clothesline like chop. Funaki's hurting. Hardcore stomps Funaki, and our view is cropped as to not show the stomp at all, how odd. Forearm. Stepover armbar. You know, I'm pretty sure we were supposed to be building to Hardcore being the guy in peril and Haas getting the hot tag (Scotty/Funaki as even subtle heels is weird but given Hardcore/Haas are the team they might have a plan for, I guess it makes less sense for them to suddenly flip for Velocity's sake), but he's anything but in peril at the moment. Not to mention we've got about sixty seconds left of air time and we're not that close to being done naturally. Hardcore really wrenching in the armbar. Funaki getting free, punches, off the ropes, into a Hardcore powerslam. Quick look at - Brian Hebner? Charlie Haas? - cover one two no. Hardcore suplex, Funaki slips behind, inside cradle, one two no. Dropkick by Funaki, and both need a tag. Tag to Scotty, tag to Haas, we opt for Scotty on fire with punches. Whip, reversed, Scotty back with a fivearm, back with a clothesline, back with a back elbow, Tarzan Yell (mocking Charlie?). Whip, Haas takes a backdrop. Oh great, I figured it out - Spike's running more than a minute late and my TiVo's not going to catch the end of this. Scotty goes for the two handed bulldog but ends up taking the release T-Bone as my TiVo gives up. WV says Haas ended up getting the Haas of Pain on Scotty shortly after. (6:03) Let's just assume that's one of those matches where I was imagining something not there.

That's it.