SummerSlam: 3 Weeks Away.

SD! Live
07/31 - Burlington, VT [SD! Live]
08/01 - Poughkeepsie, NY, [SD! Live]
08/02 - Bridgeport, CT [SD!]
08/06 - Knoxville, TN [SD! Live]
08/07 - Johnson City, TN [SD! Live]

Eddie tells the SHOCKING secret we all guessed from the first day of this bit. (5:21)

Funaki (Japan, 180 pounds) vs Frankie Kazarian (Anaheim, CA, 210 pounds) - After all these years, it finally bugs Josh that Chimel announces Funaki as being "from Japan" as opposed to a particular city. I see Frankie is pushing the limits of his undefeated streak. Drawin' the box. I'm so thankful we have no interview. Clap for Funaki! CLAP! Lockup, Funaki with a waistlock, ain't going anywhere. Frankie with a standing switch and a forearms to the back. Frankie is compared to Terrell Owens. Headlock. Funaki with back elbows, and shoots Frankie off. Shoulderblock. Frankie off the ropes, tripped by Funaki one two no, armdrag, armdrag, armbar. Frankie to his feet,  Funaki twistis the armbar, but Frankie pulls the hair to get him into the ropes. Josh: "Why did Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio even have a match at Great American Bash?" Frankie tries an armdrag, but Funaki rolls through and keeps the armbar on. Crank. Corner whip, Funaki with a kip up and out, and Frankie pulls him down by his head. Knee to the back. We watch a replay of the pull down, mostly because Funaki's head bounced. Neck vice. "LET'S GO FRANKIE"? Or were they saying Funaki? I don't think so. Same five guys. Funaki tries to fight free, but Frankie gives him knees and a headcrushing move. Straightjacket chinlock. Korderas is your ref, by the way. Funaki getting up to claps. Funaki with right hands. Whip, Funaki's punch is caught, and turned into a float around swinging neckbreaker. Corner whip, corner clothesline. Corner swinging dropkick, he's proud of that, one two no. Knees. Off the ropes, swinging neckbreaker, no, Funaki turns it around, kick catch enziguri. Both slow up. Funaki off the ropes, bulldog, both slow up again. Now Funaki crawls over to cover, one two no. Funaki getting pumped up. Right. Right, whip, dropkick. Off the ropes, crossbody one two no. Romero: "And the bottom line is, if you are the Future, at some time you are going to take a beating." Huh. Frankie gets picked up, and pays Funaki for it with a punch. That almost sounded right. Frankie corner whip, charge into Funaki's back elbow, Funaki to the second rope so he can slap and blow his finisher, slap, seated tornado DDT is blocked (GASP!), Funaki manages a fisherman's suplex anyway (!!) one two NO! Funaki stomping mad. No time to use verbs. Funaki grabs Frankie, but Frankie gets a hold of him - holy crap, Funaki just landed right on his neck on that back suplex. That was incredibly painful looking and completely unnecessary; Funaki over rotated. Korderas is quick to check to see if Funaki's still with us, and gives the okay signal. Inverted spinning neckbreaker doesn't really do anything that hasn't already been done, but does look neat. One two three. (5:43) Funaki grabs his head. Just to see if it's there, I bet. OH NO not the microphone. "I've said it in the past, I'm saying it in the present, I am the future, and The Future Looks Good." The future involves drawing rectangles.

Deuce Bigalow 2 (August 12! I've got two more weeks of this! noooo) presents the WWE Rewind: Tag Team Title defense. You know that part of the LOD DVD where Animal complained about Hawk and Kensuke Sasuke teaming up as Road Warriors? You think he still feels that's a bad idea?

M & N (LA, CA, 440 pounds, w/o M) vs Steve Lee & Scotty Saber (445 pounds, already in the ring) - Announcers are distraught at the lack of Melina; the "you can only work one match per taping" bit really hurts. Here's an insert bit to explain the lack of Melina:

Mercury: "Ladies and gentlemen, Melina's out on a publicity tour. But we're here! Nitro & Mercury, on Velocity! To show the whole world that we are the greatest tag team of all time!"
Nitro: "And we're SEXY!"

Nitro is insane. Your ref is Nick. Mercury and - Steve Lee, right? Lockup. Oh no, it says Sabre on his tights. I guess that's my clue. Mercury's already dropped him and he's bringing him over or a tag to Nitro. They hold him and kick him. Those guys chant "WE WNAT MELINA" while Nitro pounds Sabre. Tag to Mercury. Double back elbow. Boot choke. Mercury adjusts his hair, tries a kneedrop, and misses. Tag to Steve Lee, who has trouble getting in the ropes. But he's good with the punches after there. Corner punches one - and that's it, Mercury stops him there. Inverted atomic drop and now Mercury is the one who is punching. "I'LL DO WHAT I WANT NICK PATRICK." Lee set up in the corner, and kicked in the hamstring. Mercury with a sit on the arm. Tag to Nitro. Slingshot stomp to the leg. Nitro twisting the bad leg. Tag to Mercury. They must get paid per tag. Triple legdrop! Mercury with a spinning toehold (without much spinning). Nitro yells someone in the front row, and the crowd gets on him. Mercury gets kicked away, and Lee makes the desperation tag to Sabre. Sabre winning the punch battle. Off the ropes, Mercury ducks the clothesline, Nitro's in and killing Sabre with a superkick. I think we're done here. Take a picture, it'll last longer than this match . Snapshot. One two three. (3:09) Scott Lee tries to drag his partner to safety. Stupid move - Snapshot for him. Play their music!

JBL vs Undertaker. If I were JBL, I'd make sure every summer, someone does something stupid and it gets minor media attention, because that sure seems to work out well for him. (3:01)

WWE Slam of the Week, presented by Juicy Drop Pop: William Regal will never ever have a match on SmackDown!

Hardcore Holly (Mobile, Alabama, 242 pounds) vs Simon Dean (Clearwater, Florida, 210 pounds, w/bag and microphone) - your ref is Brian Hebner. Maybe Simon wants to set up a distribution deal? "Now, hold on a minute, hold on a minute Mr. Hardcore. You and I haven't been properly introduced, and Simon Says I believe in you. Now Mr. Hardcore, now - hold on a minute - I know you have a short fuse. Now, hang on a second, don't be flipping out on me, I'm just going to make you an offer - there's no harm in that, is there? Now Mr. Hardcore, or Bob, I'm going to make you an offer to leave this ring. I think you should leave this ring, Mr. Hardcore, because you should not be wasting your time worrying about wrestling me tonight. You should be worried about trying to get in better shape. [Mr. Hardcore doesn't like that line.] Because Bob, you don't look anything like you used to. In fact, I'm a little worried about your triceps, Bob. And your pecs [Bob's moving towards him, Dean's backing up] - hold on! - they're looking a little droopy. ahaha. [Hardcore's thinking how hard to punch him in the face] In fact, instead of Hardcore Holly, I think they should call you Softcore Mol-[REALLY REALLY HARD]" Wait, I need to watch that again in slow motion before we can get started...BAM. That's awesome. That speech is funnier if you pretend Vince is giving it, or at least everything up to the offer line. Simon leaves the ring, grabbing his face, which is good enough for Hebner to ring the bell. Josh says he's been on the Simon System for two months and doesn't look like Holly. Josh: "I sorta look like Peter Griffin." WOOSH is the sound it makes as it goes over Romero's head. Simon comes in, but only when assured of free room. He wants a handshake! C'mon! Well, no, so he just kicks Hardcore. Whip, reversed, Hardcore backdrops him. Simon out to take another break, because they've left too much time for this match. Simon up on the apron, back in. Ready to lockup now. Hardcore powers Simon back in the corner. Simon manages to reverse and corner Holly. Clean break? No, Simon's punch is blocked, Dean's not. Chop. Chop. Chop. Chop - he's chopped him all the way across the ring. Setting Simon up in the corner. Chop. Simon trying to stagger away, but Hardcore brings him back. Chop. Hardcore asks if they want one more? Chop. And out goes Simon again. He doesn't want to go in - okay, he'll go in if Hardcore gives him room. Hardcore gives him plenty of room in the ring by going out of it after Simon. Hebner out to keep them separated. Everyone agrees to go in - except Simon changes his mind, pulls Hardcore off the apron, and runs him into the post. Brian backs him away from Hardcore momentarily, and then forearms him in the back. Hardcore thrown in, elbow drop to the back one two no. Kick to the spine kick. Simon talking trash and stomping. Forearm to the back. Knee to the back. Forearms to the back. Brian and Simon have an argument. Hardcore chops Simon, but Simon gets the better of him with punches (huh.) Back suplex. Popular move tonight. One two no. Modified camel clutch. Hardcore gets up, but gets kneed and forearmed. Corner whip, Simon with his own chop. Right. Corner whip. Simon waits for Hardcore to stumble his way. Right hand, Hardcore ducks, grabs Simon, and drops him with a half nelson suplex. One two no. Stomp. Rights. Off the ropes, Simon misses a clothesline, eats back elbow. Shoulderblocks a plenty from Hardcore. Whip, powerslam. One two no. Whip, dropkick. One two no. Hardcore slowly going to the top rope. Top rope clothesline. One two no. Hardcore looking to pick up Simon, but Simon pull shim in the corner buckle. Jumping sit on Hardcore's back. Up the the second rope to try again, but Holly gets up and grabs him by the legs. Hardcore turns around, pulls Simon away from the ropes, and drops him with the Alabama Slam. One two thee. (6:34)

That's it.