Your guest ring announcer is Stacy Keibler. "I have a question. Who here would like to spend the night with me, Stacy Keibler?

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Nunzio & Vito (355? pounds) vs Paul London & Brian Kendrick (356 pounds) - Vito has to go in first to hold the ropes open for Nunzio. Your announcers are Romero and Josh. 8-Bit Heroes do not use Hey You, but do rush the ring. Good of Paul to move past Brian screwing him. Kendrick is still undefeated, London is still losing all the time - something's gotta give! Romero helpfully explains Vito is the bigger one. Stop referencing movies, Romero. Your ref is Korderas. Nunzio and London to start. Circle. Lockup. Nunzio with a headlock. shot off, Nunzio back with a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, Nunzio tries to hop over and London trips him up. Trained by HBK is said. Hiptoss. Armbar, tag to Kendrick. Whip by London, armdrag by London, London hiptosses his partner on top of Nunzio! One two NO. They had some teamwork issues getting that started, which we attribute to the long team between teaming. London clapping for Kendrick on the apron now. Brian with a corner whip, reversed, Brian kip up and out, Nunzio turns into a backdrop. Kendrick with forearms to the head. Armbar, whip, dropkick. Kendrick grabs his head, but quickly goes up. Top rope cross body one two NO. Kendrick grabs Nunzio, Nunzio grabs Kendrick and pushes him in to the ropes, as the announcers wonder what long (and very short) term effect that 'Kendrick b London' decision will have. Vito gets in a cheap shot form the outside, and Nunzio runs him over with a clothesline. Hold, tag to Vito. Kick. Turnbuckle smash. Chest slap. Hard chest slap. Hiptoss. Vito waiting for Brian to get up, and turning him inside out with a clothesline. Vito yelling now. Dragging Kendrick back to the corner, tag to Nunzio. Double whip, hiptoss, double elbow elbow drop. Romero tells us Kendrick spent a year off, all in "the Orient." One two no. Nunzio spits at Paul, Paul wants in, and Nunzio drags him back to the corner for a double team stompdown. Vito's gonna stay in without a tag. Snap mare, Tag to Nunzio, Vito sets up Kendrick for a dropkick to the face. One two no. Kendrick battling up from his feet, then turning to crawl for a tag, but Nunzio grabs a leg and stops him short. Both back up - and Kendrick makes the tag. Nunzio still has Brian's leg, so he rolls forward, sending Nunzio into a back elbow. London quick to the middle rope, Mushroom Stomp! Running forearm to the face for Nunzio. Another. Many kicks, whip, dropsault one two NO. Corner whip, stopped short by a Nunzio knee. Punch misses, London gives him a back suplex into a face first powerbomb. London with a running kick to the ribs. Standing shooting star press! Romero: "flying up in the air." One two Vito breaks it up! Kendrick in after him, Sliced Bread is shoved off, Kendrick lands on the apron and snaps Vito's neck over the top rope. London with corner punches on Nunzio as Vito reverses to KO punch Kendrick off the top rope and out of the ring. Vito goes over to help Nunzio, but London spots him coming and gets him with a jumping - back elbow? leg lariat? They weren't close enough to make it really work, although Vito rolls out acting like it did. Nunzio out of the corner, spinning headscissors reversed into a face first powerbomb, one two TH-NO! London can't believe it. He's freaking out! Right hands by London. Nunzio with a takedown near the ropes, deep leg hook cover, Vito adding some leverage from the outside, one two three. (6:13) Well that sucked, but at least London's right this time. He does check on Spanky and not turn on him, which is nice. (9:13)

Still to come: Chris Benoit vs William Regal [US]

WWE Rewind, sponsored by no one: Simon Dean offers Bob some of the Simon System, so it's all fair at No Mercy.

Simon Dean (Clearwater, FL, 210 pounds, w/Dean Machine) vs Robby Dawber (no introduction) - Hey, Chicago guy. Romero at least gives his name. Did Mickey J jump brands already? Gosh. Circle. Lockup. Simon with a takedown form behind, front facelock, rolling it over for a pin, zero, both men battling for control, into the ropes, break. Simon wants more. Lockup, armdrag, waistlock, standing switch, fireman's carry, into a wristlock. Robby rolling into a reversal and an armbar. Into a hammerlock. Josh actually says "Mickey J" and "WCW", because he is Josh and you are not. Simon with a back elbow to get free, knee to the gut, throwing Dabber down by the back of the head. Stomps. Bottom rope knee drop to the head. Forearm. Kick to the ribs. Simon going for - what? Tying the legs, grabbing the arms - standing surfboard, and there's the curbstomp. Dean kicking Robb around. Whip, no, Russian legsweep. Bodyscissors, rolling it over into a weird reverse chinlock variant - the arms are barred by Simon's legs. Dawber trying knees to the head to get free, and manages. Dawber punching his way up, inside cradle, one, Simon back on top with stomps. Whip, sunset flip by Robby, Simon blocks and tries a punch, Robby moves, Simon punches the mat. Robby with another sunset flip, one tow no. Dean with a discuss elbow! Checking the pulse. Simonizer. One two three. (4:00) Simon's concerned about the hand punched the mat with, but I think he's going to be able to ride the Dean Machine home. (6:07)

Josh and Romero talk about Eddie and Batista's "unlikely partnership". This sorta thing has NEVER HAPPENED. Oh, this whole segment is a video package. At least it's short. So is Batista going to find out? (1:34) (2:00 segment)

William Regal (Blackpool, England, 245 pounds) vs United States Champion Chris Benoit (Atlanta, GA, 234 pounds) for the United States Championship - No sign of Birchill, Scotty 2 Hotty, Funaki, Orlando, Christian, Booker, Sharmell or Ken Kennedy. Yet. Announcers hype the show for the other brand, since SmackDown is on it. Your ref is Nick - hmm, him, Mickey J, and Charles Robinson all on the same staff. We remember the last time they fought on this show. I think this will last over a minute. Circle. Lockup, no, feeling out, lockup, Regal with a headlock, Benoit grabs the arm, gets the armbar, but Regal gets himself in the ropes before the crossface can be applied. Regal rubbing his shoulder as they circle. Tentatively grabbing wristlocks. Regal immediately kicks one apart and uses the other to spin Benoit down. Up with a regal wristlock, each guy trying to battle for control. Regal trips up Benoit, pinning him with wristlocks, one two Bridge up. Regal puts his shoulder on Benoit's chest, one two no. Benoit back up, monkey flip, they both hold on, Benoit rolls on top for Regal and pounds at him from on top. Headbutts!  Benoit back sup to get free of the guard bodyscissors. HEADBUTT! Stomps. Headbutt! Someone's bleeding - looks like Regal. Benoit beats him across the ring, and down in the corner. Regal trying to kick his way to some room, but Benoit dives on him for more punches. Man! German suplex, release. Regal rolls out, but Benoit won't stop - baseball side is avoided, EXPLODER SUPLEX ON THE FLOOR! Dudes, you're on Velocity in front of twelve people! Normally, we'd get a break right here, but there are no breaks - double feature replay instead. Benoit with a running boot that sorta connects. Regal throws Benoit back in at eight, and gets in himself before nine. Regal using the ropes to stand. Stomping the chest. Toehold, cranking the leg. Legbar? Close enough. Knee on Benoit's chin at the same time. Benoit with hard kicks to Regal's head to try and get free, but it's not working. Regal kneedroppping Benoit's knee. Bending it, and grinding his forearm into Benoit's face. Benoit trying to find an escape, but Regal's got him pretty well trapped. He's not getting anywhere, though, so he relents. Both up, with Regal grabbing one leg. Benoit tries an enziguri, really doesn't get it, so Regal only slightly sells it, before going back to working over Benoit's left knee and leg with knees. Grinding the forearm into Benoit's face and bending his left leg at the same time. Up to their feet again, Regal's got a leg again, this time Benoit tries punches, but Regal sweeps out his other leg. Regal pulls back Benoit's leg while grinding his knee into Benoit's face. This is a weird pin, but a pin, one two no. Regal with a modified half crab - bending Benoit's leg back, while putting his own foot into the back of Benoit's knee. Changing it up now - STF? Going for it, but Benoit's blocking the facelock. He slips free for Regal and gets the ropes. Regal pulls him off, toe hold, with afoot to block Benoit's path to the ropes. Benoit gets a foot on the ropes, and Regal takes his time letting go. Regal pulling himself up but looking to of it. Regal with a kick to the midsection, dragon screw leg whop, into a half crab, but Benoit's got the ropes again. Regal keeping it on for a four count. Side backbreaker. Knees to Benoit's back, modified low angle half crab again. Benoit reaches for the ropes, Regal reaches for his ropes to block them, and Benoit grabs the arm to pull into an armbar! Crossface, but Regal immediately has the ropes. Regal up first, running kick to Benoit's midsection. Regal with a knee to the midsection, fisherman's buster, one two NO. One two NO. One two NO. That's a six, but not a three. Regal grabs a leg again, and this time Benoit hits the enziguri! Regal not going down - DRAGON SUPLEX! Well why the heck not! Crossface! (9:36) That was something. That was specifically and particularly insane.

That's it. (12:32 segment, 30:26 total)