by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

It’s time for your very first Heat recap of the new Double-O era! Huzzah! And… it’s another PPV shillfest. Consternation and uproar! Never fear, The Immolator will dig deep, peel back the layers and give you the real pre-Vengeance story, 100 per cent Creed-free.

One great company, one great champion. I hope. Hey, it’s Bonhomme! Bonhomme is Live in San Diego! He’s perched atop the marquee outside of the San Diego Sports Arena, ready to deliver La Bombe de Bonhomme onto the crowd below! Oh, it’s just a prop. Never mind.

Inside, it’s KOLE and THE HUMAN JOB MACHINE imploring you to buy Vengeance. Shill, Tazz, Shill! An undisputed champion will be crowned tonight. I hope. But what’s this? Our first bit of pre-PPV news, and it concerns the match between CHAINZ II and ARVID E.

MC:  “Just announced earlier today, the Undertaker, Rob Van Dam will meet for the Hardcore Title.”

T:  “Well at first, I thought Taker was the favourite in this matchup, but with the little twist of the Hardcore Title on the line, ain't nobody more hardcore than RVD.”

MC:  “The Undertaker has been under a major change as of late, and it's all about respect.”

If you didn’t know the title wasn’t originally on the line tonight, take a drink.

And with that, it’s time for your first video montage of the night, and I must say, the WWF actually does some awesome video work. Call this montage 2:32, as the last thing we see is Undie flat on his back on the shiny metal ramp after the RVD chairshot from SmackDown!

Hey, it’s RVD warming up for his live for an interview with L’IL G.

LG:  “RVD, I'm so sorry for interrupting your stretching, but there's big news tonight. Your Hardcore Title, now, at Vengeance, is up for grabs. Is this going to put you at an advantage or disadvantage?”

RVD:  “You know, that's a damn good question, Lilian. First fact I've got to consider is, with my title being on the line, Undertaker has got more motivation than ever to just beat the crap out of me. That's what he's out to do, beat some respect into me. He's a legend. He's The Undertaker, right? So, I mean, there's that, but then, on the other hand, see, I've always got something going for me, too. You see, no matter who they are, I'm always going to be… Rob Van Dam.”

[While RVD points to himself, so does Lilian. Points to herself, that is.]

RVD:  “Hey, that was good. I understand everybody trying to be like me, too. Tell The Undertaker RVD's ready for him.”

Our intrepid announce team then tells us about Vengeance being shown at WWF New York. And, looks like they’re having trouble getting their 5,000 webheads lined up, because the event is still available on wwf.com for all you unfortunate DirecTV subscribers. Have your credit card ready! Be like Neil, and burn it for fuel!

Up next: THE VIN MAN gets up close and personal with WILL WRESTLE FOR FOOD!

“You have my sword.” “And you, my bow.” “And my AXE!” Yeah, but you ain’t getting my 12 bucks.

“Yeah! Lugz! Ya heard! Lugz!” Y’know, my Dad didn’t think it was very urban or hip when I scratched up his Jim Reeves records like that.

We’re back at the sold out Sports Arena with Tazz and Mitchell, as they set up our next montage: The return of Rikishi.

If you were watching SmackDown! and thinking Vince would, by all logic, simply forfeit Angle’s title shot to avoid kissing any derriere, take a drink.

Here is the encapsulated demise of the KMA Club. Call it 3:20. A cheeky little montage, that.

MC:  “I can watch that over, and over, and over.” Yes, I’m sure you could. Mitchell says Mr. McMahon will be in the house for Vengeance. Foreshadowing, ladies and germs.

Someone outside the arena has a sign that says “KURT ANGLE HAS ONE TESTICLE.” Another says “WOOO!” Another says “WOO!!!” No signs yet referring to Ted Arcidi. Coming up next, information about the main event!

“Just bend, jump, grab, rotate and land.”

“And you, Gerald, you have the gums of a god!”

“Punk rock, forever! Hip hop, forever! Southern rock, forever!” You suck. Forever.

Oooh, more signs. “What?” “UNDISPUTED CHAMP THE ROCK.” “JACK-ASS.” “RAY IS GAY.” No signs referring to Mantaur.

It’s the frickin’ “Sacrifice” video. As promised, The Immolator hits the FFWD and takes you back into the arena, where Mitchell tells us about THAT HHH GUY and the sacrifice he made (Joanie, perhaps?), and how it will be chronicled during the PPV to the tune of U2’s “Beautiful Day.”

AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH! THEY JUMPED THE SHARK! COULDN’T EVEN WAIT UNTIL THE FRICKIN’ SUPER BOWL! NOOOOOOOOOO!

Let’s hype some more matches! Tag straps are on the line when KANE? WHAT KANE? and MR. SHOW meet THE DUDLEY BOYZZ! Mitchell calls the Duds “arguably, the greatest team ever.” To which Tazz replies, “Arguably? Gimme a break.” No, give me a break. I like the Duds, but they’re no Truth Commission. Ye sussy liberals!

Let’s hype another match! It’s T-DOT STRATUS against MRS. IMMOLATOR! Whoo, lookit Jackie dance. Hassan like! She puts the “mo” in Immolator, I tell ya. She’s gonna lose, isn’t she? DA-yumn!

What else is on the menu? DAVE EVANS versus HE’S GOT KNUCKLE DUSTERS! That one’s for you, Ed Whalen. Speaking of a malfunction at the junction, here we have two fine wrestlers whose styles just don’t match. Plus, Regal’s just gonna bleed all over the place, anyway. Kinda like David Bowie in the video for “Loving the Alien.” And let’s shill Undie and RVD again for good measure.

Coming up, a look at MATT AND JEFF HARDEE! Can MAMA LITA call it right down the middle? Or will she revert back to her evil, lesbian spanking ways? And, the crème de la crème, 4 superstars, 3 championship matches, 2 titles and a partridge in a pear tree. It’s STUNNERING STEVE AUSTIN versus KOOL KURT and DER SHTROODLE versus Y2J+1!

More signs! “WOOOOO!” “Hi Rachel!” No signs mentioning Shadow #2.

This commercial break gives me a prime opportunity to bitch about signs. Signs suck. They used to be cool because only clever people brought them, and they had clever things written on them. Most of the time. Now I try to watch a match on TV and every time that red light goes on, someone is waving a damn sign as if his life depended on it, trying to get me to read some nugget of wisdom like, say, “RAY IS GAY.” Who frickin’ cares? Siddown and let me watch my crappy wrestling in peace, already.

Back to the show. Tazz shills the new Drowning Pool CD, featuring the Theme to Vengeance, otherwise known as “Sinner.” And now for some more non-wrestling, here’s a clip of HHH and his whirlwind tour de force performance on Mad TV. Y’know, I liked this show better the first time… when it was called Big City Comedy. Call it 4:25. Mitchell tells us rather unconvincingly that he laughed all night long.

Sell that main event! Tazz calls it a slobberknocker, a rocket buster and a Pier 6er. All in one sentence! Shill, Tazz, shill!

What’s this? Another tidbit of news. Mitchell tells us the three title matches will take place consecutively.

MC:  “A coin toss was held earlier today. Stone Cold Steve Austin will defend the WWF Title against Kurt Angle in the first matchup. The second matchup, The Rock and Chris Jericho for the World Title.”

T:  “That’s right, and then the big one, the undisputed title match, and there’s no rest. After that second match, BOOM! They go right into that matchup. No rest, it’s gonna be tough.” Yeah, it’s gonna be tough to keep everyone in TV Land awake for the first two hours.

Where did that coin toss take place? Rio de Janeiro?

A shot of the foyer as we go to commercial. No signs visible at all, not even one for Jake “The Milkman” Milliman.

“How does lightning smell? Smell THIS!”

“You call this texture mapping? Out of the way, Junior.”

“The D is in the dime. Call an audible split belly.”

Back to the foyer! Heat is brought to you by truth! How ironic is that? And by Snickers Crunch and Universal Pictures’ “How High” starring Method Man and Redman! That’s not irony! How many exclamation points can one man use?!

Hype that Hardy’s match!

MC:  “It’s been a roller coaster ride for the brothers from Cameron, North Carolina.” With that geographical tidbit, time for another vignette. Folks, if I were a Hardy Boy, I wouldn’t show footage from my younger years, lest it become fare for the jests of some tag team from Toronto or somewhere. Call it a measly 3:02. Tazz suggests maybe Lita will cover Matt for the finish. Nyuk, nyuk. It’s Tazz Saunders and his Double Entendres.

Hey, another live interview, with THE COUCH and Angle.

JC:  “Well, Kurt Angle, despite the recent events this past week, you seem to be in a pretty good mood here tonight.”

KA:  “Damn right I am. And why shouldn’t I be? Because tonight, you’re Olympic hero is going to become the undisputed champion. And in case you haven’t heard, there was a coin toss earlier today. The matches are going to go back to back to back. And my match happens to be up first against Stone Cold Steve Austin. And after I take out Austin, I’m gonna sit back and relax, and watch Rock and Jericho beat the HELL out of each other. And then I’m just gonna walk down there, pick up the bones, and finish the job. And become the undisputed champion. And there will be no disputing on who the best man is. Get it? Disputing? Undisputed world champion… shut up.”

Man, who’s the speech coach for these guys? Emily Dickinson?

Tonight! 2 Great Battles will Rage! Et Cetera! The first ever undisputed champion! What about the guy who won the gold at the first Olympics in 776 BCE? Aw, snap! Cancel the PPV!

“Buh-ring it!” “It’s already been buh-rought!”

“Bowflex is real. The results are real.” Yeah, but those bountiful pontoons aren’t.

“Buh-ring it!” I’m having this strange feeling of déjà vu. Uh-oh, better not go there, or I’ll never finish this recap.

Vengeance is brought to you by Lugz! Boots and shoes that look like the ones my Momma used to make me wear, and I’d get teased all the time at school, turning me into a socially maladjusted misfit, and 25 years later, I fit in with all the trendy goofy shoe-wearin’ misfits! That’s not irony!

Wait a second, that’s… that’s the APA’s music! Good Lord n’ butter, it’s a match!

ALWAYS POUNDING ASS (and not afraid to say so in public) versus THE ONE, ON A SCALE OF ONE TO TEN and CHUCK CHUCK BO-BUCK BANANAMANAMOMUCK… never mind.

Mitchell says “Enjoy Vengeance, everybody!” Then we see him and Tazz for a moment as they put down the cans and leave, oops. Your common taters are now HUMBERT HUMBERT and JIM RESISTOL at ringside. THE FINK announces APA to the ring, followed by Gunn and Palumbo, to Gunn’s music, which bites, by the way. APA gets a good pop, the other guys a little less of one.

Ross and Lawler get right to shilling the historical magnitude of this night. One undisputed champion. I hope. Bradshaw and Palumbo hook up, collar and elbow, Bradshaw pushes Palumbo to the ropes and punches him in the ribs. Knee lift, forearm to the head, Irish whip, sort of a double axehandle to the sternum. Bradshaw picks him up, head to the turnbuckle, kneelift in the corner, clubbing forearm to the back of the neck. SPACE FLYING TIGER DROP! Hah hah, made you look. A chop, then an Irish whip to the far turnbuckle. Bradshaw tries to follow it in, gets a frantic boot to the head. Big ol’ dropkick from Palumbo gets an “ohhhh” from the crowd. Hey, it’s gonna be a hot crowd if they’re responding to a dropkick. Palumbo cover gets two. Your ref is “Blind” Jim Korderas, by the way. Palumbo picks him up, Irish whip, reversed, Bradshaw goes for the clothesline, ducked, turns around, Palumbo with the cross-body block but, you guessed it, caught in mid-air by Bradshaw. “Nice fallaway slam” says JR. Gunn runs in and gets a beefy shouldertackle for his trouble, knocking him out of the ring. Tag to Farrooq, and the APA hit the double Irish whip and shouldertackle on Palumbo. Farrooq cover gets two. Body slam by Farrooq and a diving headbutt to the chest. Palumbo reverses an Irish whip, and Farrooq collides with Gunn on the apron, leaving both men discombobulated. JR tells us the world championship dates back to 1905. If you knew it was Frank Gotch, take a drink! While Lawler tells us about his attempt to unify the AWA and WCCW championships versus Kerry von Erich in 1988 (take a drink if you knew it was Super Clash III), Palumbo and Gunn take advantage of a fallen Farrooq and stomp away while Korderas discusses his portfolio with Bradshaw. Palumbo claps and leaves the ring, just in time for Korderas to turn around and assume a tag was made. Now we know who the heels are. Boooo! Gunn stomps at Farrooq’s back while JR continues with the history lesson, mentioning the WWWF, NWA and AWA all having world champions in the ‘60s. Gunn brings Farrooq to the corner with Palumbo and then goes over to say something derogatory to Bradshaw, thus luring him into the ring. While Korderas tries to coax Bradshaw back onto the apron, Gunn and Palumbo double team Farrooq. Brilliant! Too bad the tag ropes are gone, or else Palumbo could choke Farrooq out with it. Now order is restored and Palumbo snap mares Farrooq and follows up with the Headlock of Doom. That was a quick rest, as Farrooq gets right up and buries the elbow into Palumbo’s gut, once, twice, thrice, and Palumbo drives him down to the mat rather than letting go of the hold, sort of a mini-uranage. That’s pronounced oo-lah-nah-gay, by the way. Two count! JR says Palumbo lives in San Diego and used to be in the U.S. Navy. Where you can sail the seven seas. Yee-owtch, Palumbo runs right into a spinebuster. JR is feeling informative, bringing up the college football legacy of Ron Simmons. Hot tag to Gunn! Hot tag to Bradshaw! Big boot to the head from Bradshaw! Gunn eats a right hand! Boot to Palumbo’s noggin! Irish whip on Gunn, flying powerslam! Not as good as DiBiase’s, but whose is? Two count, Palumbo breaks it up. Farrooq comes back in and dumps Palumbo over the top rope, then follows him out to the floor. Inside, Gunn with the Irish whip, kick to the gut, signals for the Famouser! Off the far ropes, Bradshaw’s ready with a clothesline, but Gunn ducks under, off the near ropes… CLOTHESLINE FROM HECK! Gunn gets spun around and crashes to the mat in a heap, much like his career. 1-2-3, big pop, APA wins. Call it 3:50, shorter than our look at HHH on MadTV.

And that brings us to a last montage, designed to get you to finally grab that remote and make that last-second impulse PPV purchase! Will you succumb to the maddening urge to buy Vengeance? At the MERE... PUSH... of a SINGLE... BUTTON?! The beeyootiful SHINY button! The jolly CANDY-LIKE button! Will you hold out? CAN you hold out?

Yup.

Hey, that was one long recap. I hope you found it interesting and informative. Your next Heat recap will presumably have more, you know, matches in it. Spike, Funaki, Albert… the usual suspects. The Immolator, meanwhile, will be enjoying some fried clams somewhere near Mare Island, so I apologize in advance if next week’s ‘cap is a bit late. Believe me, vacations are rare things for yours truly, so bear with me on this one.

In the meantime, and in between time, that’s all from us.

E-MAIL THE IMMOLATOR
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The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

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