Dag, yo. The Immolator is back in the house, and it’s time for your festive recap of Heat. Happy Hollandaise to you and yours.

LEPERS, WE GET LEPERS, WE GET STACKS AND STACKS OF LEPERS…

The Immolator once again reaches down and grabs his giant sack, and pulls out… nothing? Hang on, let me check my sack again. Hmmm… strange, there was something there before. Nothing worse than an empty sack.

Heat comes to you Live! From WWF New York in a very festive Times Square, with your hosts, KOLE and RAZZMA TAZZ. Two championships are on the line! It’s Holiday Heat! The tags are up for grabs, and the main event: PARTY ON, WAYNE takes on ARVID E. for the Euro. Huzzah! And, your guest host (guest host? Military intelligence?) is none other than the master of the bird’s nest suplex himself, THE BIG SNOW. Happy happy, joy joy.

Stand back! There’s a mild weather pattern coming through! Rain expected in some areas! AREAS! That’s a dirty word… oh, sorry. It’s THE HURRIKANE (w/ MIGHTY MIGHTY MOLLY) and Molly is all sweetness and light again, so put Helms in the Face column for good. His opponent: CRASH NOLASTNAME. Mitchell calls Crash one of Tazz’s favourite wrestlers, to which Tazz replies brusquely. Hmm… that gets the memory gears turning.

As the bell rings, Mitchell plugs the title matches, again failing to mention who the Dudleys will face. Not a good sign. Crash with the early advantage, but he goes and says something disparaging to Molly. Hurricane capitalizes with a reverse Diamond Cutter. Punch, Irish whip, nice hip toss. Irish, reversed by Crash, Hurricane ducks under, puts on the brakes, Crash turns around and… it’s the sign of the chokeslam! Hurricane applies it and gives the thumbs-up, but Crash escapes with a back elbow. Crash off the ropes, and he gets a side kick to the gut for his trouble. Two count. Molly is looking as lovely as always. Helms puts Crash in the corner and starts punching away, causing referee “Blind” Jack Doan to interject himself. That allows Crash to hit the good ol’ thumb to the eye, followed up by a running clothesline. Mitchell calls Molly a superheroine, to which Tazz replies “Heroin?! Whoa, what do you mean? Wahddaya mean heroin. who’s got a problem around here?” Ho ho! Hey, now Crash has Hurricane’s cape, and… he starts spinning around, strikes his opponent’s pose, and goes to the turnbuckle and puts on the cape! Yeah, Crash! WORK that gimmick! Alas, Hurricane bounces off the ropes, causing Crash to crotch himself. Once Crash lands in the ring, Hurricane punches him a few times and tosses him out of the ring. SOMERSAULT bodyblock over the ropes connects. Mercy. That warrants another look, brought to you by Final Fantasy X, by the way. Hurricane tosses Crash back in, mounts the turnbuckle, and… flying cross body, one, two, Crash kicks out. Tazz says his Christmas tree (which is orange and black, remember) has the pyro underneath and the heartbeat when you ring the doorbell. Hurricane up on the second rope now, what’s this? Some kind of flying mare. Every time Mitchell brings up Ric Flair, Tazz goes “Whoo!” and it’s not pleasant on the ears. Two and a half! He’s going for the Vertebreaker… Crash flips over, kick to the gut, DDT. Two count for Crash, hey, good stuff. Crash goes for an avalanche but Hurricane rolls away, and Crash eats the turnbuckle. Ooh, Hurricane gets throatdropped onto the top rope when he goes in to capitalize. Doan checks on Hurricane, allowing Molly to climb the turnbuckle! Drop kick! She rolls out of the ring, Eye of the Hurricane, game over. A spirited 3:53 of solid mid-card action. You love Heat, admit it.

Aha, your tag title contenders will be… Spike and Tajiri?! What kind of Bizarro world am I in? At least that means plenty of valet skin. And later, RVD and Christian, oh yeah. Time for a commercial. Or several.

Heat is brought to you by Honda, Snickers Cruncher and Metal Gear Solid 2. Solid.

They add a wreath to the flaming chyron, to remind us that it’s Holiday Heat! And, hark, it is the music of a lame tag team… oh, lordy. CHUCK CHUCK BO-BUCK and THE ASS KING have new do’s. Chuck has a really bad dye job, straight outta Sammy Hagar, and Gunn is looking like Crash on HGH-1. “Nice heads,” says Tazz.

Turn it up! It’s THE ZOO CREW (w/out CAPTAIN CARROT). At least that’s what Mitchell says FATAL BERT and SCOTTY 2 INJURED call themselves. Mitchell says this match could lead to a shot at the Dudleys down the road. What, you mean Spike and Tajiri Dudley? Because, they are going to win tonight, right? Right? Aw, snap.

Albert abuses Gunn for a while to start the match, then amuses the fans with some sort of lasso dance. Giant swing! Tazz calls it a hippo swing. Now, here, Gunn has his arms crossed over his chest. On a giant swing, you’re supposed to have your arms outstretched above your head to make it look more gigantic. Wozzupwitdat? Maybe they tried it in practice and they couldn’t keep the swing in the ring, bling bling. Now Albert’s dizzy, allowing Gunn to do the Flair Flop and make the tag. But Palumbo gets clotheslined. Oh, man, Tazz was about to compliment Scotty, but Mitchell stomps all over him and starts shilling for the Undertaker. Geez Laweez. Palumbo nails a nice overhead belly-to-belly. Your ref is “Blind” Jim Korderas. Now we get the usual heel tag routine. You know, distract the official, double team, yadda yadda. Whoa, Scotty just planted Palumbo with a DDT. Go for that hot tag! Albert has Scotty’s visor on now. There’s the tag on both ends! Clothesline from the Hip Hop Hippo! To both guys! Albert is a river horse afire. Mashed potatoes! YAAAAAAAA avalanche on Gunn. Tag to Scotty, Gunn is dazed near the ropes… ooh, back elbow stops that train. Bicycle kick from Albert! Now Albert and Palumbo have spilled to the outside of the ring, Inside, Gunn is supine by the ropes, Scotty struggles mightily to his feet… teasing the crowd with what is surely to come… yes, Scotty sees it now. Dance, M.F., dance! W! O! R! M! Palumbo trips him up at the far ropes! What a heel! Fame-asser! 1-2-3! (5:42) Tazz calls them “Gumbo.” Works for me.

Shill those championship matches! Cut to commercial(s)!

Well, at the halfway point of the show, I must say it’s been pretty good. Two matches, no “let’s take you back to earlier this week” crap. Cool.

It’s Al Snow! The star of Tuff Enuff 2! He gives his Santa hat to a kid in the crowd in Bret-like fashion. Now Tazz is extending his hand in friendship. They shake! Holiday spirit abounds! Let’s take a look at the Xmas Parade. All the TE2 crew are on a float wearing Santa hats. Snow calls Ivory a “human Jack Russell Terrier.”

Other memorable lines from this interview…

T:  “How miserable was Bob Holly wearing that hat?”

AS:  “TE2 will debut February 28^th.”

AS:  “I think Tazz will be happy to know, there’s not quite as much hugging going on.”

That’s it?! A very quick TE2 shill, that’s all that was. Move along people, nothing to see here…

Okay, back to Times Square, where it’s dark now. Kid Rock’s “Cocky” is your theme some for Royal Rumble this year. Joy. Hey, it’s THE DUDDS (w/ LEGGS) Tazz wonders how high up those legs Stacey shaves, and says Mitchell likes unshaven legs. Indeed.

Vaguely Asian music plays, meaning it’s TAJ (w/ TORRIE WILLYA) and SPIKE JONESED here to provide token opposition and ample mammalian protuberances.

The Dudds get the offensive early. Mitchell says a fan won a contest to eat with Stacey, to which Tazz replies, “So, some horny guy got to eat dinner with Stacey.” D-Von charges at Tajiri in the corner, and eats a boot, but comes back with a powerslam. Tag to Bubba. Tazz starts wondering aloud about the size of Tajiri’s penis. Irish, Tajiri ducks the clothesline and nails a roundhouse kick to the chops. Hot tag! Spike’s on the top rope! Non-missile drop kick! Two count only from your ref who I do not recognize. Spike off the ropes, whoops, press slammed with minor difficulty by Bubba, Stacey enjoys the ensuing violence. Wassup drop! Testify! Two count only. Tazz invokes the name of Big Daddy Dudley! Nasty standing neckbreaker from Bubba. Slam near the corner, could it be time for the Missed Senton of Doom? You know it! Y2J and The Rock tomorrow night! HHH on the 7^th! Hot tags on both sides! Tajiri kicks D-Von about the thighs. Whip to the corner by D-Von, but it’s Tajiri ducking the clothesline and nailing the back kick to the mush! And a roundhouse to Bubba on the apron! Irish to the far corner, reversed, D-Von charges straight into the Tarantula! Gi-normous pop! But Stacey rakes the eyes! And here comes Torrie bouncing across the screen! Hallelujah! Round and round the ring, Stacey into the ring, almost runs into Tajiri, turns around… CAAAAAAATFIGHT! Tazz hopes something pops out. Yes, just like the original Star Trek shows. The ladies leave the ring. D-Von with the Irish, Heavy Metal elbow from Tajiri! One, two, Bubba ray in with the elbowdrop, on D-Von! Tajiri with a wicked boot to the head (na, na)! Tag to Spike (noooooo!), he’s on the turnbuckle, stumbling a bit, cross body, 1, 2, 21/2! D’oh! Irish by Spike, reversed, 3-D, c-ya. (5:51) Another nice match. No mist, though.

RVD and Christian! It’ll be a rocket buster!

Here’s the damned U2/HHH vid again. Great song, great band, lousy context. Title match is next! What, more commercials? Dang.

Okay, back to Heat. Christian! Christian! Il Mondo! Il Mondo! And RVD! Let’s go! Time’s a-waistin’! Crowd chants ARE VEE DEE. Collar and elbow, RVD takes an armbar, hammerlock, reversed, side headlock by Christian. Pushed across the ropes, shoulderblock by Christian. Christian goes off the ropes, jumps over, RVD up, leapfrog, drops down again doing the splits (the ladies love that), cheeeee monkey flip. RVD does for the slam, Christian slips behind, back elbows from RVD, he runs to the ropes, Christian still has the go-behind. Christian tries the roll-up, RVD hand on to the ropes. Christian pops back up, charges, gets backdropped over the top rope! RVD goes for a moonsault off the apron, Christian moves, RVD lands on his feet. RVD ducks a Christian clothesline, front facelock, picks Christian up and drops him gut-first on the barricade. ARE! VEE! DEE! Spinning legdrop off the apron! Yeah, baybee! RVD throws Christian back in. RVD catapaults himself in over the top rope and lands another legdrop! One, two count from the same ref I don’t recognize. RVD tries a kick, Christian grabs a leg, RVD tries an enzuigiri, Christain ducks, slop drop! One, two count. Christian puts the boots to him. Chop. Whoo! RVD reverses in the corner. Shoulder tackles. Handspring. Christian posts him. Small package, one, two. Flying powerslam, two count. Christian points to self, but just twice. Now some resthold violence. The crowd is chanting RVD’s initials. RVD gets up, Christian goes for a boot, this time RVD catches it, steps over and nails a roundhouse kick. Spinning kick! Irish to the turnbuckle, somersault into a monkey flip attempt, Christian pushes off, RVD handsprings, ducks a clothesline, onto the turnbuckles, beautiful spinning cross body. Two count. Rolling thunder… Christian with the knees and a quick package, two and a half!  Christian with the Irish into the corner, back elbow from RVD, he mounts the turnbuckles, but Christian crotches him. Gong for the superplex! Gets thrown off, could it be? Yes! ***** frog splash! But before he can recover and make the pin, here’s Y2J+1 to come in and lay the boots to RVD. (DQ, 5:27)

Jericho! Jericho! Kicking you all over! The Stroke! Yee-owtch! Y2J makes the belt motion in triumph. Great frickin’ match to end a solid show, even with the screwjob finish, which helps further fuel the speculation: Will Y2J create a new Team Canada?

That’s it… happy holidays from The Immolator, and see you next time.