by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Dag, yo. It’s time for yet another edition of Heat, and the Royal Rumble approacheth. Who will be added to the mix this year? Kensuke Sasake? Jake Roberts? That damned “Zoom Zoom” kid? The mind boggles.

It’s time, once again, to reach down and grab…

THE IMMOLATOR’S GIANT SACK: I was getting bored with the Lepers. Anyway, “Viper24gm” from Parts Unknown likes the recaps, and suggests some kind of Jetson reference as a new ‘capper nickname for Crash. Only if I can think of something ridiculously obscure.

Everyone’s favourite SmackDown! recapper, Eitan, weighed in on the chewing gum thing that I’ve been ranting about. Apparently it’s been discussed before in these here parts: some wrestlers like the gum because it keeps their mouths moist and makes it easier to call spots audibly, yet quietly. That makes sense. Because Lord knows, when you’re on 200 freakin’ grams of Halotestin a day, your mouth is gonna get pretty dry.

We are Live! From the heart of Times Square, and inside are RAZZMA TAZZ and KOLE and some WWF product strewn about the table, including something with gum-chewing THAT HHH GUY on it. Oh, and a WWF tag team title belt. Cole gives Tazz his props for becoming one-half of the tag champs. In fact, our special “guest host” (Damn!) is Tazz’s partner, RATINGS SPIKE DUDLEY. No chewing gum for Spike, no sir.

Turn it up! What would an episode of Heat be without SCOTTY 2 INJURED and FATAL BERT (w/out CAPTAIN CARROT)? Well, I guess it would be Metal. Albert’s wearing a red skullcap. I’m not quite up to a yarmulke joke today, sorry. Later on the show, it’s… no, you’ll never guess. Yes, Billy Gunn! How did you know? He takes on Heat’s prodigal son, Tajiri. All we need now to make the show complete is Saturn.

Oh, we also need these guys: THE BIG SHO and LECTRONIMO. Crash gives Sho a funny look and does the Sting howl for some reason.

AW, CRAP ON A STICK!!! Cole says the time in between wrestlers at the Rumble will be one minute. That just ruined my day. Stoopid, stoopid, stoopid. It’s bad enough when they don’t have Survivor Series matches at Survivor Series, but now they’ve gone and pulled this number on us again. Balls!

I will try to overcome this disappointment and venture onward, ever onward. For you. The reader. Sho and Scotty start. Midcard offence… spinning back suplex by Scotty. He kips up and moonwalks to tag Albert, who I guess would be the Pig Iron of the Zoo Crew. Scotty would be Fastback, I figure. Sho looks up, waaaaaay up, sees that it’s Albert, and bails when Albert goes YAAAAAAAA! at him. Now Crash is in, and he’s all piss and vinegar. He jabs his finger several times in Albert’s chest, tries his best not to laugh, and dramatically calls for a test of strength. Albert cannot keep his laughter inside, he finds it so amusing. He goes for the hand, but then Crash pulls the hand away and presents the other arm for the test of strength. And again! Don’t try it a third time, Crash, don’t… oops, he did it again. Albert with the double leg takedown… Hippo swing! They go ‘round and ‘round. I can watch it all day. Geez, they’re still swingin’. Twenty seconds later (!) Albert drops him, and he’s dizzy too, of course. Sho tries to run in and capitalize but he just bounces right off Albert. Albert tags Scotty. Now Scotty puts Albert in a side headlock, and RUBS HIS HEAD… but it’s not the Battering Ram. Instead, Albert picks up Scotty in sort of an atomic drop position, and runs straight for Crash, thus driving Scotty’s feet right in Crash’s mush. Interesting. Is this a subliminal way of telling us Sting and the Bushwhackers are in the Rumble? I DON’T CARE! One minute break… frick. Anyway, Crash and Sho do some EVIL double-teaming to get the advantage back, and Crash works over Scotty in the corner. After a few boots to the midsection, Crash turns around and, get this, sells being dizzy some more! Crash is a genius, I tell you. Either that, or he’s actually dizzy. Let’s check in on the commentators…

MC:  “The most prolific Hardcore champion of all time.”

T:  “You said that last week, and like I’ll say it again, he’s held that Hardcore title a lot!”

MC:  “That’s what it means…”

T:  “I thought prolific meant, like the nudie movies, like the XXX movies.”

MC (channelling Gorilla Monsoon):  “Will you stop?"

T:  “What is that for? Prolific, right?”

MC:  “Pornographic!”

T:  “Hey, watch it, it’s a family show, Cole!”

Nyuk nyuk nyuk! Funaki’s in now, by the way, and he’s stomping away at Scotty. Tags in Crash, but Scotty rebounds. Slip-behind for the standing neckbreaker. Hot tag to Albert. He’s punching out both guys. Now he’s jabbing to the left, he’s jabbing to the right, he does the hippy shake shake,.. BOOM, stereo punches to the face knock each foe down. Albert picks up Sho for the gorilla press, and lets him drop Warrior-style to the mat. He’s calling for the worm! Tag to Scotty! Nope, here’s Crash the Super Heel grabbing Scotty from behind and tossing him over the top rope… but he skins the cat, and meanwhile Crash bumps into Albert. Crash goes for a punch but Albert just grabs his fist in mid-air and starts to squeeze. Irish to the corner, YAAAAAAAAAvalanche. “Scotty’s Worm,” take 2. FACEPLANT OF DOOM! Dance, M.F., Dance! W! O! R! M! Woo! Woo! Woo! HOO! HOO! HOO! HIIIiiii-YA! 1-2-3. (5:08). Holy Tofino, five minutes of wrestling. I’m tired. Let’s take a break. Scotty’s chewing gum, by the way. No wonder he’s injured all the time.

My Canadian friends: Don’t ya wanna just slap Mike Toth?

Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. To make him guzzle even more fuel, and to crumple like a paper ball upon the slightest impact.

Black Hawk Down. Leave No Man Behind. Except the 18 dead, of course.

The TRON 20^th anniversary collectors edition! And Coming Soon: “Ishtar: The Director’s Cut”!

Okay, back to Heat, brought to you by Twix, truth and Slim Jim. None of them edible. Tazz and Cole shill the McMahon-Flair match. Sixteen-time World champion. Sort of. Here’s a video recap… it’s the voice of Gordon Solie! Followed by the voice of Kid Rock. That’s just wrong. Let’s see who else appears in this video: Harley Race, Ricky Steamboat, Randy Savage, Terry Funk, Hulk Hogan, Vader, Mr. Perfect, Ronnie Garvin, Sting, Piper, Luger, Arn, Syxx, Kevin Greene(?!)… WHOO! Flair is talking during his animated chyron instead of posing menacingly, which looks dumb.

It’s THE DUDDS (w/ LEGGS)! And they’re PERAMBULATING! What’s up with this?

BRD [to D-Von]:  “Wipe that stupid look off your face.”

[The Dudleys walk by Sgt. Slaughter, who appears to be reading today’s script.]

BRD:  “Hey, Sarge!”

SS:  “Dudleys.”

BRD:  “Where’s our locker room at, man?”

SS:  “Locker rooms? Do I look like an errand boy? Down the hallway, third… door on the right.”

BRD:  “Whoa, whoa, you’re not an errand boy! You’re Sgt. Slaughter, man! We’re in Madison Square Garden…”

SS:  “Right. And you should be standing at attention, saluting me.”

BRD:  “Whoa, whoa, look, we’ve got our fatigues on! Back down there, G.I.!  You’re a legend in this… in this building. You’ve had a lot of memorable matches. I mean, I remember when you used to stand in the middle of the ring, and go… ‘PUKE! MAGGOT!’ Hey, man, you were great! That was years ago, though.

SS [pointing at D-Von, then Bubba Ray]:  “You’re a scum, and you’re a slime! How do you like that?”

DD:  “We may be, but… you’re a Gomer!”

[Slaughter angrily approaches D-Von. Bubba holds D-Von back.]

SS:  “Don’t you ever call me ‘Gomer,’ especially right here, in Madison Square Garden! You puke!”

BBD:  “Whoa, sorry! Easy! He’s not The Iron Sheik!”

SS:  “No, but if he was The Iron Sheik, I’d give him the Slaughter Bomb! The Slaughter Cannon! And the Cobra Clutch! (crowd cheers) That’s what I’d do to him…”

BBD:  “Sarge! Sarge! Sarge! Relax! Breathe! In through the nose… out through the mouth.”

DD:  “(Something that sounds like ‘Gidd-O’) Let’s go…”

BBD:  “Yeah, we’re just gonna… go over here now.”

DD:  “See ya, Gomer…”

SS:  “See ya… ex-champs! Ha ha ha ha ha!”

[The Dudleys turn around and approach Slaughter.]

SS:  “Ex-champions! Ha ha ha! Former World Wrestling Federation champions!”

BRD:  “Sarge… why’d’ya hafta go there? For what reason?”

SS:  “Because you’re former champions, that’s why. You lost… to a couple of punks. A couple of maggots. That’s why.”

BRD:  “Suit yourself…”

After this Miller moment (Arthur, that is), D-Von punks out Sarge from behind, and he and Bubba start putting the boots to him. Bubba whips him into the concrete wall. Testify, Bubba!

BRD:  “You’re a has-been! You’re washed up! And you’ll never win nothin’! Tell you what. Why don’t you go find yourself a tag-team partner, and we’ll have one of those memorable matches in Madison Square Garden! [Bubba salutes.] AT EASE! MAGGOT! Let’s go, Stacey.”

See, you should have watched Heat. You’re missing out.

Why is Stacey wearing a touque and a miniskirt? Just the touque would be fine.

Commercial time. Enter the Fist! From the director of Ace Ventura 2. Well, that tells me all I need to know.

Ewww. He got his creamy filling all over the dog again.

AHHHH! Flying blue pushpins! NOOOOOOOO!!!

Moores: Well made. Well priced. Well dressed. That is, if you plan on living in a well.

Back to the show, where just paragraphs ago, the Dudds punked out Slaughter. I think this is the first time I’ve ever seen a “Moments Ago” on Heat. Of course, I’ve only been watching for, what, six weeks now. Instead of the “WWFE-tron” look, they play the footage in front of what looks like a close-up of one of those Yule Log videotapes.

Now we jump ahead to “during break” footage, and Sarge is dusting himself off. He’s got a Yankees/NYPD hat on, by the way.

SS:  “Damn Dudleys! I’ll kick their ass…”

[Perry Saturn approaches Slaughter, and gets right in his face.]

SS:  “What do you want, Saturn, you got a problem with me, too?”

PS:  “Sarge, as a matter of fact, I’ve got a problem with everything but you.”

SS:  “Well, what are you here for?”

PS:  “Hey, I know I don’t look army issue, but I’ll tell you what is: This coin. Do you know what this is, Sarge?”

SS:  “Yeah, I know what that is. U.S. Special Forces.”

PS:  “That’s right. Army Rangers. And you know what? I hate to see another military man down and out. Tell you what. Them Dudleys say you need a partner? How about it, Sarge?”

SS:  “You ready to go into combat with Sgt. Slaughter?”

PS:  “Yes I am!”

SS:  “You ever dig a foxhole?”

PS [voice becoming increasingly gravelly, like Slaughter’s]:  “With my bare hands!”

SS:  “You got your fatigues ready?”

PS:  “In my bag!”

SS:  “You ready to go?”

PS:  “I’m waiting on your order!”

SS:  “Well, your orders are: let’s go kick some ass!”

PS:  “ROOH!”

SS:  “Semper Fi! Do or die!”

A gimmick is born! On Heat! And, as we go back to WWF New York, you damn right the crowd is chanting “U-S-A! U-S-A!” Now are you going to start watching the show? No? Oh.

By the way, Perry, don’t hold the coin with your thumb all over the face. Grasp it around the edge. You wanna keep that baby in MS-70 condition, right?

Let’s bring out Spike for his interview (not hosting) segment, which I won’t transcribe. Brief E-C-Dub chant. They talk about the tag titles. Nothing better than winning in MSG. Tazz says he knows Spike from ECW. Spike says Tazz gave him his shot in ECW in August, 1996. Tazz offers to put the belts up against the Dudds at the Rumble (which is going to suck now, did I mention that?) Spike says, whoever it may be, bring ‘em on. Cole interprets that to mean it’s Tazz and Spike vs. the Dudleys. Cole offers to go out for a night on the town. Spike says they won’t be able to pick up with Cole hanging around. Ho ho! Tazz is just hopeful his (Tazz’s) wife will even let him go out.

More freaking commercials. What’s the smell of an avalanche? Smell this!

Okay, now things get surreal. The show has started again (I know this, because the generic content advisory screen shot we get in Canada has been displayed), but it’s another commercial, and it’s the one for Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. After the commercial, we immediately fade live! to the green room, where Spike is confronted by the writer/lead actor from Kung Pow, Steve Oedekerk. He’s wearing a Kung Pow T-shirt, by the way, not a gong fu suit of any kind.

SD:  “Who the hell are you?”

SO [doing the classic gong fu overdub voice gimmick a la TAKA and Sho]:  “Fear not Spike (dubbed audio drops out briefly) WF. Not only can I teach you to be an undefeatable Kung Pow master, but also allow you to pick up many, many hot chicks.”

SD:  “Hot chicks? C’mon, let's hear it.”

SO:  “First, I will show you the gopher style. [Imitates gopher] Remember to ‘go-fer’ the eyes, then retreat into your hole.”

SD:   “This ‘hole’ thing I'm not sure I'm following.”

SO:  “I have followed your career closely and hold the key to your female problems. To be successful you must become one. Remember: One.”

At this point, out comes actor Jennifer Tung, who plays the role of “Whoa” in the movie. She’s the one with… the one. It’s okay, in real life, she has two. But in this skit, she is not Jennifer Tung, she is Whoa, in full costume. And the camera zooms in on her… one.

SD:  “One. And that's one… great… cape you have.”

SO:  “This is Whoa from the movie ‘Kung Pow: Enter the Fist,’ opening January 25 in theatres everywhere.” [Holds up promotional movie card to the camera.]

W [invitingly]:  “Come with me, Spike O’Dudley.”

SD [shrugs]:  “Beats hanging out with Tazz.”

SO:  “No need to thank me. Ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha!” [Holds up promotional movie card to the camera again. Cut to Tazz and Cole.]

Well. You know Tazz is going to milk that one for all it’s worth.

T [holding his hands up to his chest, forming a circle]:  “Did ya see that deal there? ONE BIG BOOB!”

MC:  “But he's with her and you're out here with me.”

T:  “You don’t have one of those things!” [Tazz reaches over to Cole and pretends to squeeze his breast, and makes honking noises.]

MC:  “Get outta here!”

T:  “Ha ha ha ha! She had one big gimmick, right there! One big [makes honking noise]. That was pretty cool.”

Riffs in the style of The Scorpions. 1-2-3-4… it’s THE ASS KING (w/ CHUCK CHUCK BO-BUCK) here to take Tazz off in a completely different direction. Chuck is making the doggystyle motion in Billy’s direction as if to ask him a question regarding something to do with doggystyle. Maybe that’s a sly reference to Norman Smiley entering the Rumble!

T:  “What do you think Billy and Chuck, or at least one of them, would do with a tomato with one big boob?”

Speaking of tomatoes… it’s the vaguely Asian theme of TAJJ (w/ TORRIE WILLYA). The latter of the two being the foodstuff.

MC:  “Speaking of, as you like to call them, tomatoes…

T:  “BOOBS! Yeah, well, I thought you meant boobs.”

Torrie is looking quite bouncy today in a pink strapless dress.

T:  “Now, that's what a normal tomato looks like. A normal woman looks like. She has two of them, not one.”

If Torrie is a “normal woman,” I’m glad I’m living in Hollywood North where all the other “normal women” hang out, I’ll tell ya. Tazz and Cole give big ups to Lamont Jordan, even though the J-E-T-S got beat. Sure, now that it’s the playoffs, the Raiders beat them. Sheesh.

So, back to wrestling, it’s Tajiri and Billy. Billy with a go behind, but Tajiri ducks out and nimbly handsprings back to vertical… and kicks Billy in the tuckus. Oh, so it’s going to be like that now. Yow, big thrusting side kick to Billy’s jaw. And he kicks him about the thighs. But Billy counters a charging Tajiri by picking him up and faceplanting him. Billy SELLS those kicks to the thigh. See, people on Heat go that extra mile so they can get on RAW. Two count. Heel tag team violence. Big tower suplex from Billy. Two count. Bodyslam. Cole mentions Shaq throwing punches at Brad Miller and Tazz makes a lame joke about hockey. Billy to the top… but Tajiri crotches him on the turnbuckle… and spanks him when he starts falling forward. And spanks him again.

T:  “He’s from Japan, they do stuff like that.”

MC:  “How do you know?”

T:  “Heh heh… it’s hot in this room! Heh heh.”

Meanwhile, Tajiri nails the Dropkick of Whoa. Damn, now I can’t get that one big boob out of my head. Tajiri with palm strikes to the chest. Irish, reversed… Heavy Metal elbow! Backflip press! Two count only. Tazz says McMahon likes to destroy lives. Cole says, especially ICON’S lives. Hmmmm… Billy regains the offensive. Irish to the corner, charges in… TARANTULA! But Chuck comes around the ring and lays in with the right hand. Didn’t I see this already? Tajiri gets back in the ring, Chuck’s on the apron, and he gets a kick to the mush for his trouble. Uh-oh… Fame-asser for the win (3:32). Postmatch beatdown, but who’s going to save Tajiri? The Big Show? Masa Saito? That little brat from the Pepsi commercials?

Stand back! There’s a low frontal system coming through! No, not Torrie, it’s THE HURRIKANE, and he’s already on the top turnbuckle. Cross body to Billy! Big DDT to Chuck! Irish to Billy, reversed, duck under… double superkick from Hurricane and Tajiri! Play his music! The Hurri-handshake seals the deal. Welcome to an extended run on Heat, Helms. Where’s Molly?

Yay, more commercials. Hermie’s telling us all about the Rumble, which is going to suck thousand-year-old eggs.

Do they make synthetic oil from synthetic dinosaurs?

Back to Heat, and the Rumble presented by Final Fantasy X. How can you have ten “final” fantasies? Maybe they are referring to final exams, when you dream you have no pants on, and neither does Tyra Banks.

Cripes, another HHH vignette. Let’s look back at his return from RAW and Smackdown! Does one man need to wear two jackets?

Apparently, from that melee at the end of Smackdown!, we get Kurt Angle v. Kane on RAW tomorrow.  But next, more importantly and more entertainingly, the Dudleys versus Saturn and Slaughter!

AAHHHH, it’s Mothman! 99 will die! NOOOOO!!! Not Gretzky!

Ewwwww, not on the dog again.

You know, they keep giving these trucks bigger and bigger numbers. Pretty soon, it’ll be the Chevy Silverado 45000000000000 series. But it doesn’t matter how big you build them. They’re still not being used to haul anything, they’re being used to drive to the office and back.

Back at WWF New York, apparently Bacardi just brought us the Upchuck of the Week, because Tazz is asking Cole how it felt to have Booker T blow chunks all over him.

T:  “I know you're used to getting puked on because you’re usually hangin’ out with all your buddies at the Pig and Whistle… they throw up on you all the time, and you’re always drunk, but that had to suck.”

Incoming!  It’s the Dudleys, and, oh yeah, I got wood. Oh, sorry. Immo’s taken, Stacey, remember? And, their opponents, first, in his camo pants and matching hat, it’s PERRY KIRSCHNER (w/ serious pectoral tats). Second, standing O for the one and only SERGEANT S. LAUGHTER (w/ riding crop). A-ten-hut! Okay, I know it took a “police action” to get all of this to happen, but I’m still all misty-eyed.

USA! USA! No, they’re on MTV. D-Von and Saturn start with a punch fest that Saturn gets the better of. D-Von with the Irish and the back elbow. “We want Slaughter!” Irish, but Perry jumps onto the second rope and hits the reverse cross body for two. Saturn with a sweet overhead belly-to-belly, and he’s pointing at Slaughter. Tag! Huge pop! Big right hand, Irish… left-arm cannon! And one for Bubba, too. Bodyslam to Bubba with ease, and one for D-Von. Bubba hightails it back to the apron while Sarge tags in Saturn. Irish to D-Von, ducks the head, eats the boot. Clothesline. Tag to Bubba. Back suplex, and he gives a forearm shot to Sarge, knocking him off the apron. Whassup drop. D-Von chokes Saturn while Sarge complains to the ref. Tag to Bubba, and he comes in, nails Saturn, and gets another cheap shot on Sarge. Bubba points at a turnbuckle for some reason. He’s up on the second rope (not the same turnbuckle). He calls Sarge a puke and a scum, then, you guessed it, the MISSED SENTON OF DOOM. Savate kick! Two count only. Double hot tag! Big fists from Sarge! A cannon! Another! Irish to the corner, back elbow. Now he nails Bubba Ray a couple of times. Suplex to D-Von. One count, but Bubba is in with the boot to the head (na, na). Now Bubba and Perry are going at it, but Bubba seems more interested in hitting Sarge. So Saturn flies across the ring and clotheslines both D-Von and himself out of the ring. Ok, now we know who’s in charge of this match. Bubba with the Irish, misses the clothesline, Sarge connects with the cannon. It’s the sign of the cobra clutch! Which they never called the cobra until the very end of Slaughter’s active WWF wrestling career! Because first he used the NOOGIE OF DOOM, then he used the camel clutch! Anyway… the cobra! Gigantic MSG pop! No, D-Von from behind with the save. What a heel! Now D-Von has removed Slaughter’s belt, and the two of them are going to clothesline him with it after the Irish whip. But no! Sarge ducks! Double clothesline to the Dudds on the way back! Now Sarge has the belt! And he’s whipping D-Von across the back. (5:08, DQ). Now he’s wailing on Bubba with the strap, and right on top of the head, too. Bubba is selling it like it’s The Crucifixion. And D-Von gets a shot to the head. They bail, but Stacey comes in and tries to slap Sarge across the face. Nothin’ doin’. Sarge puts her over his knee and…

T:  “Spank the tomato! Spankin’ the tomato!”

MC:  “Sgt. Slaughter is back!”

T:  “What a whack on the ass he gave her, huh?”

What a strange ending. Anyway, they shill the Rumble and RAW, and we out.

That was the most bizarre wrestling show I’ve seen in my life. And I saw the debut of Kevin Nash as Oz, too.

See you next week, when The Immolator has to do another shill-fest of a pre-PPV Heat. Did I mention how PISSED off I am about the Rumble?

BBC Peace.

E-MAIL THE IMMOLATOR
BROWSE THE HEAT RECAP ARCHIVES

The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

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