by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

Dag, yo. It’s time for everyone’s favourite horror flick, “The Shilling.” Heeeeeeeere’s Immy!

This sucks. I used to enjoy the pre-PPV shows, because there’d usually be a dark match, even if it was going on in the background while the announcers shilled the PPV. Now it’s just another hour-long collection of “Moments Ago” edited together and set to bad music. Remember the good old days of Free For All? Steve Austin v. Yokozuna? Duke Droese v. HHH? Ah, the sweet mid-‘90s.

My giant sack is empty today. So let’s get on with it.

Video montage opens the show: 30 men. One prize. Who’s going to WrestleMania? Umm… HHH

We’re live! at the sold-out Phillips Arena in Atlanta, GA, and your hosts are KOLE and THE BIG SNOW, filling in for RAZZMA TAZZ. Gosh, and I was looking forward to hearing Tazz say “BOOBS!” again this week.

Al says his favourite PPV and favourite match is the Rumble itself. They shill the other, lesser matches on the card, then we get a montage of the feud that has spawned VINNIE MAC v. THE DE-NATURED BOY. During the PPV, take a drink every time someone gets wailed in the ‘nads!

Over at WWF New York, who steps out of the big white limo but THE MAN WHO LOST HIS SMILE. Al says the Rumble is now complete with HBK’s arrival. He says this while we look at HBK shaking hands, which spares Al from having to keep a straight face while he says it. End of segment.

I had a debate the other night with a guy about the commercials for The Mothman Prophecies. He thought they were scary. He also admitted to liking Elton John.

Hello, ladies! They show the video trumpeting the return of PRIAPIC VAL. Cole reminds us to get the PPV on wwf.com. Or, maybe go for a walk along the beach, or enjoy some quality time with your family. Al says he is also in the Rumble match. Cole asks him what number he drew. Al says he’ll let you know later in the show. Presumably, after they tell him.

Later tonight, the tag belts are on the line. Tazz and RATINGS SPIKE DUDLEY versus THE DUDDS. Let’s take you back to the sick 3-D in the parking lot. Al says it’s just like the old ECW days. But without the lesbian spankings. Al says the Dudds “Jimmy Hoffa’d” Tazz.

Let’s go back to earlier today when L’IL G caught up to the champs. Spike is wearing the Bobby Heenan special.

LG:  “Excuse me, Tazz and Spike, tonight at the Royal Rumble pay-per-view, you guys are gonna be defending your tag team titles against the Dudley Boyz, but after what happened last Thursday night in the parking lot, I mean, Spike, in the condition that they left you in, is the title going to be in jeopardy?”

T:   “You see what a gentleman I am, Lilian? In a little while, there will be no time to be a gentleman. You see, on Smackdown! we got put down. And tonight, we might get put down again, but the difference is we're going to take somebody with us. And you know what else we're gonna take? These pretty little things right here. [taps belt] We're taking them home tonight. Now get, get! [Lilian bolts]

SD:  “In a bad mood tonight, Tazz?”

T:  “Always.”

SD:  “Good.”

Al says Tazz’s anger will be multiplied a hundredfold tonight. That might be the first time the word “hundredfold” has been uttered on a WWF broadcast. Someone call Bob Backlund to verify that. End of segment.

Apparently, we’re supposed to believe Andrew W.K. is the biggest thing since Elvis. Speaking of which, just for the hell of it, I downloaded Tiny Elvis for the first time in about five years. Still works. I’m sure it won’t be long before Tiny Andrew graces the desktops of SNL fans across the globe. Speaking of which, I don’t watch SNL anymore, because I don’t recognize any of the hosts or musical acts. That’s why all my references are outdated. Where have you gone, Janeane Garofalo? A nation turns its lonely eyes to you. Woo woo woo.

Oh, yeah, back to the shillfest. Another RR return, this time it’s SEVYNDUST. While the RR theme plays, Al gives a shout out to his “homey,” Kid Rock. The IC title match between PARTY ON, GARTH and BOOM KISSA is upcoming. Al calls Regal a “master prestidigitator.” Paging Mr. Backlund… plus, it’s a women’s match between KEN BURNS’S JAZZ and T-DOT STRATUS guaranteed to bring you Stratusfaction. Val has your towel ready.

Let’s take you back to 3 days ago when Jazz stomped a mudhole in Trish. For no obvious reason, other than perhaps to confuse Lilian further, MRS. IMMOLATOR has left me to slave over a hot stove while she dons the referee stripes for this match. Ok, a little uniform play never hurt anyone.

Trish is getting her hand taped up. I see she has big, protruding… fingernails. Great for eye gouges, I suppose, but they must hurt like stink when you tear one in the ring. Coach wanders in to ruin the shot.

JC:  “Excuse me, Trish. Do you have a second? I know the trainer strongly suggested you don't compete tonight. Have you thought about that?”

TS:  “Have I thought about that? Why wouldn't I compete? Coach, I've worked way too hard to get to where I am today to become the women's champion. I'm not going to let this stop me. I'm sick and tired of Jazz attacking me from behind. You know what? Tonight, face-to-face. You know what? She talks about me shaking my ass out there. Well, I can do that. But I can also kick some ass.” Coach gives her the once over as she leaves. Perv. End of segment.

Chevy Silverado. Like a rock, but with less fuel efficiency.

On today’s episode, Batman asks the OnStar representative where he can get a Hostess Fruit Pie.

Back in Atlanta, Heat is brought to you by Stacker 2, truth and Slim Jim. EAT ME!

Cole now says it will be every two minutes between RR entrants. Which means 1:47 in real time, but that’s still way better than the one minute he was threatening last week. I’m gonna push that shiny red button! YEEEEAAAAAAHHHH! Oh, wait, the RR’s over already. What, you think I’m writing this as it happens? Are you nuts?

Here’s a chyron with all 30 entrants! Actually, there’s only 23 in this shot. Thankfully, it’s a still shot and not one of those funky animated chyrons. Al says he drew Number 6, but that’s ok, because he’s a machine and he can last all night. Both he and Cole are ready to bust a gut. Here’s the same video we saw at the top of the show. With the video of the return of THAT HHH GUY tacked on and the Kid Rock theme, all nicely spliced together for your fast-forwarding enjoyment.

Al calls this year’s Rumble “one of the most unpredictable and exciting matches in WWF history.” Sha-hah. ‘Zif. Cole says the match “solidifies legends,” and Al says he’ll be getting solid tonight. What does Linc have to do with this?

Here’s an uncomfortably long closeup of MAineVENt as he waits patiently for Lilian to get her cue to start the interview. She seems genuinely happy to be breathing the same air as Maven.

LG:  “Maven, you must be so excited tonight. What do you think your chances are going to be in the Royal Rumble match?”

M:  “Lilian, to be honest with you, I'm just trying to (stumbles) get over the shock of just being in here. I mean, one year ago, I was a sixth grade schoolteacher. And after training for Tough Enough, now I'm here getting ready to compete in the Royal Rumble. I mean, can somebody please pinch me? Seriously, though, I realize it's going to be extremely, extremely hard out there and I'm just gonna go out and I’m just gonna do the best I can. I'm going to try to throw some people over the top rope and I'm going to try not to get thrown over the rope myself. And who knows. Winning the Royal Rumble may be another dream come true.”

LG:  “Well, I wish you lots of luck tonight.”

M:  “Thank you very much.”

And they shake hands in a touching moment. I hear the pitter-patter of little Maven Garcias.

And now, a RR Replay, brought to you by Final Fantasy X. You bought the last nine, so here’s another one. The replay is Kane from last year throwing everyone out. Except Drew Carey, who has yet to be officially eliminated. Neither has Andre the Giant. End of segment.

Tron! With five hours of bonus material! It better be five hours of Tyra Banks wrestling Salma Hayek in a giant bowl of caramel.

Back in Atlanta, Al says he’ll punk Maven out if he has to. To educate us about the Rumble, we go to Smackdown! and watch the over-the-top-rope match between MO’ CHEEKS, PARTY ON, WAYNE and SHAPE OF AN ICE STORM. Consult the recap if you still care.

In the back, it’s Ric Flair, his daughter Megan and his friend Reed. What, he’s not your son anymore? Reed is here to take some pictures, I guess. He should have a chat with Mr. Heyman. Coach, as usual, interrupts. But Flair brushes him off and says he’s taking McMahon to school tonight before leaving. Flair is The Man! They shill some more, and it’s end of segment.

Speaking of Val Venis, there’s that Cadbury Easter Creme Egg commercial again.

Are you ready for Bowflex? Not if it’s going to make me grow pontoons like those. Yowza.

Mr. Perfect! Seems like yesterday he was clocking Nick Bockwinkel with a roll of dimes. Now, people are bashing each other’s craniums in with steel chairs and only getting two-counts.

We go into Phillips Arena, where they’ve rented Pink Floyd’s lighting kit for the PPV. Kurt Angle is going to grace us with an in-ring interview. JIM RESISTOL and HUMBERT HUMBERT are at ringside tonight. The fans chant “You suck” along with the music, then keep chanting it. Angle brandishes his fake gold medals as if to say “I don’t see your fake gold medals.”

KA:  “People… (“WHAT?” chant ensues) your Olympic hero would like to take this time to talk about habits. [WHAT?] We all have our share of habits. [WHAT?] Whether it be biting our nails, [WHAT?] or anything else. [WHAT?] Or acting like a total bunch of idiots by saying "What?" every two seconds. [WHAT?] People, not only is that a bad habit, [WHAT?] but it's disrespectful. [WHAT?] It's idiotic. [WHAT?] It's impolite. [WHAT?] It's just damn, plain rude. [WHAT?] I said it's rude. [WHAT?] But it doesn't bother me one bit. [WHAT?] Your Olympic hero has a habit of his own. [WHAT?] It's called being a winner. [WHAT?] I said a winner. [WHAT?] You know, the opposite of a loser. [WHAT?] Like what this crowd is full of. [WHAT?] Whether it be winning an Olympic gold medal in this very city [WHAT?], or winning numerous WWF titles [WHAT?], or tonight, winning the Royal Rumble. [WHAT?] Your Olympic hero always has a habit of coming out on top. [WHAT?] And you know what? [WHAT?] I want you people to do me a favour tonight. [WHAT?] When I'm standing in this very ring alone, the winner of the Royal Rumble… [WHAT?] instead of chanting "What," [WHAT?] I want you people to yell "Hero." [WHAT?] I want you people to yell "Inspiration.” [WHAT?] I want you people to yell "Dominant." [WHAT?] Or better yet, [WHAT?] or better yet, “Main event at Wrestlemania.” [WHAT?] I said, "Main event at Wrestlemania." [WHAT?] What part of “Main event at Wrestlemania” do you idiots not get? [WHAT?] Because while you people are down in Atlanta marrying your cousins, [WHAT?] that's where I'll be heading. [BOOOOO!] You people wanna chant “What?” [WHAT?] What? [WHAT?] What? [WHAT?] What? [WHAT?] What? [WHAT?] What? [WHAT?] What? [WHAT?] You people in Atlanta are ungrateful, idiotic bunch of hicks. [WHAT?] Oh, it's true. [WHAT?] Oh, it's damn true. [WHAT?] What, what, what, what, what, what, what, what? Freakin’ idiots.”

With that, Angle throws down his mic and storms off. For some reason, Lawler is going in the ring to try to get Kurt to come back in the ring and smooth things over with the crowd. Which I’m not going to bother transcribing. Lawler lists off all the great superstars in the Rumble to get a cheap pop from the crowd with each mention. Perfect got a good pop. But Lawler says his kingly personal pick to win in Kurt Angle. He tries to get the crowd to chant “Angle,” but they chant “You suck” instead.

Ross throws us to a montage of Jericho-Rock, including highlights from their killer promo for Thursday, and we out.

The jolly, candy-like button! Oh, wait, it’s over already. Did you enjoy it? Did it evoke memories of 1992, the best Rumble ever? Then make sure you check out the next Heat recap, when surely all the questions heading into Wrestlemania will be answered. Like, what role will Billy and Chuck play?

PPV peace.

E-MAIL THE IMMOLATOR
BROWSE THE HEAT RECAP ARCHIVES

The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

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