Dag, yo. That was the damnedest Super Bowl I’ve ever seen. Even though I’m no Pats fan (not since they gave up on Doug Flutie), and even though the television direction was absolutely amateur, the ending made up for it. More important than the game, of course, was U2.

All right, some ‘rasslin now. No mail in my giant sack, a-GAY-unh, so I think I’ll be killing the mail segment. “Los Angeles” is still in town, but my mind is far away. 

We open with a look back at VINNIE MAC and THE DE-NATURED BOY. On the nWo killing fields, who will be the last to survive? VINCENT!

What’s this? We are NOT LIVE! at WWF Times Square, we are straight into wherever Smackdown! was shot. Oh, yeah, The Scope in Norfolk, VA. The site of World War 3 in 1995, featuring The Yeti! And in 1996, featuring Pez Whatley! Why, somebody tell me WHY do I watch this crap? 

Two lovely escorts flank the stage and introduce us to THE CODFATHER (w/ two more lovely escorts). Much better quality than last week, too. GF is wearing a royal blue suit-and-hat ensemble. And his cane is blue, too. I can hear Freddie Blassie saying “Cane? What cane?!” GF’s got a garden full o’ tomatahs, says RAZZMA TAZZ. “Look at the can on the broad there with the skirt,” he continues. Can? What can?!

Vaguely Asian pan pipes mean GF gets to squash THE BIG SHO today. KOLE shills the No Way Out PPV, or as we like to call it in Canada, No Way Oot. It’s two weeks away at the sold-out Bradley Center in Milwaukee. The bell rings, but Sho is more interested in the escorts. GF gives him a business card, but Sho rips it up because it wasn’t presented to him with two hands while bowing. So GF squashes him. Shoulderblock, top-rope strangle, bodyslam, 360 legdrop… hey, Sho with an eye gouge! He’s EVIL! Stomps to the gut in the corner, Irish, reversed, BIG shortarm clothesline. Tazz tries to say “larynx” as they talk about Maven, but it comes out “latex.” Look out! ChuggachuggachuggachuggaWOOWOO! RUB AND A TUG! He motions for a finisher… nope, not the Hand Release, it’s the ol’ Escort Service Enabler Drop for the three. (1:54). Three improvements of note: One, GF kept his jacket on today, which is good, because he isn’t exactly Rick Rude in the abdominal department, plus he’s got all those leftover Papa Shango tats. Two, no stupid shoulderbreaker for a finisher. Three, much better escorts. Stay away from the dancers that only get $30 a show, unless they’re brand new, and even then, be careful. Trust The Immolator on that one. 

Live RAW tomorrow in GF’s hometown. Later, Flair from SD! and, check this out, it’s THE HURRIKANE (w/MIGHTY MIGHTY) v. SHAPE OF AN ICE STORM. Clearly our hosts have pre-taped the audio so they can watch the Super Bowl. My prediction: Pats on a last-second field goal! Take it to the bank! End of segment.

Random Commercial Break Observation #1: One of the last names on the banner during the U2 halftime show wasn’t capitalized.

Stand back! There’s a Hurricane coming through, and it ain’t Bernie Kosar. Think Cleveland will let Belichick off the hook now for going with Todd F’n Philcox? Didn’t think so. Welcome back to your Canned Heat, and Molly is indeed mighty mighty. Heat is brought to you by truth, slim jim and that’s it. Just two sponsors. Kole says Lance Storm is the comic relief in this match. Fireman’s carry takedown by Hurricane. Workin’ that chain wrestling. Hurricane with the stupid sneak-from-behind standing neckbreaker, only he and Storm manage to make it look good somehow. One count from the Modular Heat Ref. Hurricane sets for an uranage, thumbs up, but Storm reverses, Irish, duck under by Hurricane, Storm goes for a clothesline, cradle crucifix by Hurricane for two. Crowd is chanting “Lance Storm sucks.” Yes! He’s arrived! Suplex by Storm for two. Heel offence. Hurricane recovers, off the ropes, Storm goes for a tilt-a-whirl but Hurricane gives him the Pillmanesque head scissors takedown. Storm tumbles outside the ring. Tazz notes a “Tazz 4:32” sign in the crowd and wonders what it means. Hurricane’s gonna fly! Somersault plancha suicida! Tazz says Hurricane stole that move out of his playbook. Storm in the ring now… ‘Cane on the second turnbuckle… BUFF BLOCKBUSTER! One… two… two-and-a-half! Molly is a super-tomato! “A super-heroine tomato!” opines Tazz. Cole asks what he has in his coffee today. Probably a whole bottle of ephedra and some aspirin.  Hurricane goes for the savate, Storm grabs the leg, spins him around… savate kick by Storm for three! Yee-owtch. (3:18). Storm gets the duke, somewhat surprisingly. Canadian Violence RULES!

Up next, Saturn’s lost his Ranger gimmick ALREADY? Sheesh. He takes on Val Venis. First, we watch JOBBER T and LADIES LOVE COOL JAMES and SOME YAK WITH A CIGAR, from SD! APA win, the yak is allegedly hot, but she was hotter in blue latex. Then again, who isn’t? Don’t answer that. End of segment.

Random Commercial Break Observation #2: Even if they have Magneto in an all-PVC prison, shouldn’t he be able to mess with the electromagnetic fields generated by the human body?

Back to the fun, it’s PRIAPIC VAL, and he knows where his towel is. “Hello, Ladies!” Cole tells Tony Chimel to sit down when Val asks who is going to remove his towel. Tazz, meanwhile, tells Cole to sit down. Val looks around and finds someone who he finds appealing enough. She’s, like, a six out of ten. Snoochie boochies!  Tazz says Val should have pinned her right there for the three count.

Here comes Val’s opponent, it’s BURIED SATURN (w/serious pectoral tats). He’s wearing plain black trunks and kneepads, and no camo. We just went through the most militaristic Super Bowl of all time, U2 notwithstanding, and they didn’t keep the Ranger gimmick on Saturn. Whussupwitdat? Saturn with the early heel offence, including complaining to non-modular ref TEDDY “PEANUTHEAD” LONG. Don’t trust him, Val, he’ll turn on you! Cole and Tazz divert their attention to Stephanie and HHH while Val comes back with some clotheslines. Back elbow, elbowdrop, kneedrop, one count. Nice leg sweep takedown by Saturn. Swinging neckbreaker for two. Head to the gut, boot to the head (na, na). Tazz gives Perry some props. Val with a nasty dropkick to Saturn’s knees. Val drives Saturn’s knee into the mat and then chop blocks him. Ah, the sweet science. Tazz uses his old-time wrestling announcer’s voice again. Northern Lights by Saturn! Two count only. Val with a drop toe hold into an Indian Death Lock, but he just falls back to the mat once with it before letting go. “He’s going for a leg pumphandle leg deal,” says Announcer Tazz. It’s, well, it’s an inverted figure-four leglock for the submission win (2:38). Interesting. This hold doesn’t look like it works: Saturn’s bent leg is under the straight one once he’s flipped over. For this to work, you have to apply the figure-four with the bent leg under the straight leg when he’s on his back. I think. Otherwise, you don’t have the vaunted seven points of pressure anymore. But maybe you still have three or four the way Val’s got it locked in. Do you have any idea what I’m saying? End of segment.

Random Commercial Break Observation #3: Only in Buffalo would they pillory a guy for missing a 47-yard field goal outdoors on grass.

Right back to the arena, we are in mid-introductions as THE BOSSMAN OF INDETERMINATE SIZE makes his way down the ramp. Already in the ring waiting for a savage beatdown is Heat’s favourite son, LECTRONIMO. Wonder what Tazz will say about Crash this week. There’s a guy in a fuzzy lamb suit or something in the front row. Tazz suggests he get a job. Like referee Nick Patrick, perhaps. A crowd shot reveals people even uglier than Bossman himself telling him he sucks. Let’s see, Norfolk demographic: hmmm, almost evenly split between Caucasian and African-American, with a reasonably high median income, being the centre of Hampton Roads and all. Let’s just say all the NASCAR fans came to The Scope and all the NBA fans stayed at home. Crash is playing the shifty underdog. Tazz says Crash’s magic little green tights make him fast. Ouch. Bossman with a knee to the gut. Crash with the Irish, reversed, Bossman drops his head, gets a forearm to the back, and Crash goes behind him QB-style and calls a 64 Max All In, but Bossman thinks Crash was just feeling up his crotch. C’mon, Bossman, it’s Super Sunday! Get into the spirit! Crash just called a time out, pulled a flag out of his tights, and called Bossman for encroachment. This is beautiful. Of course, Bossman punks him out and proceeds to stuff the flag down Crash’s throat. Ewww, do you know where that flag has been? Tazz says he prefers soccer, and even invokes the name of Pele, and Cole follows up with a New York Cosmos reference. Wow. Tazz then says Brazil is near Toronto. Bossman is standing on Crash’s throat. Bossman stuffs the flag down Crash’s tights for some reason. Crash bravely mounts some midcard offence, but it’s a big ol’ Bubbaslam for three (4:12). Crash rules. Tazz says the guy in the Chewbacca suit looks like Albert. Cole doesn’t get it.

Next: Ric Flair makes the right decision… he gets the poster instead of the Polaroid. End of segment.

Random Commercial Break Observation #4: Why do they put chewing gum in hermetically sealed blister packs now, as if it were medicine?

Here in Canada, we get even more commercials instead of the sweet 40-years-in-four-minutes video, or however long it was. When we come back, it’s a look back again at Vince and Flair from SD! and all that. And it is “Whoo!” with an “h.” Clearly a voiceless glide.

Next: Tajiri and Torrie against Scotty for the Cruiserweight Championship! Yes, it still exists! End of crappy segment.

Random Commercial Break Observation #5: It’s better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.

More vaguely Asian music plays, meaning it’s TAJJ (w/ TORRIE WILLYA). Torrie has hot pink leather pants and matching top. “Puppies!” exclaims Tazz, with apologies to Jerry Lawler. Tazz calls Tajiri a Japanese stud, and also a “guilding,” which Cole corrects to “gelding.” Umm… no. That would be like being a “guest host,” of which we have none this week, since we’re not live! from WWF New York.

Turn it up! It’s SCOTTY 2 INJURED (w/out FATAL BERT and CAPTAIN CARROT). Bad dancing and even worse worm jokes ensue. No Way Out is brought to you by shopzone.com. Jack Doan is your ref displaying the title belt in proper fashion. As usual, the best saved for last on Heat.

Knucklelock immediately into a suplex by Tajiri, one count, kip up by Scotty, escapes the knucklelock by stepping over the arm, ducks a Tajiri clothesline and back suplexes him directly onto his butt. Off the ropes, dropkick to the face! Two count. Off the ropes, elbow drive of sorts, two more elbowdrops, and a cover for two. Tajiri with a kick to the gut and a snap mare, then off the ropes a dropkick to Scotty’s face for good measure. Back somersault press for two. When Scotty kicks out, Tajiri nails him in the back of the head with a dropkick. Tazz is going to Las Vegas in an orange-and-black helicopter. Spike Dudley will be flying while Tazz sits in the back drinkin’ mimosas. Chops are exchanged, then Tajiri kicks Scotty in the leg. And again. Irish, reversed, tilt-a-whirl backbreaker by Scotty! Two count only. Irish, Scotty drops his head and gets a boot to the face. Heavy Metal elbow… blocked by Scotty into a full nelson! Spins him around, goes for a savate kick, blocked by Tajiri, but Tajiri misses a roundhouse, and they clothesline each other simultaneously. Time for a nine-count rest. Tazz calls for an iso-cam on Torrie. Scotty up first, clothesline, Tajiri ducks, go-behind, Scotty runs forward and Tajiri is hurled between the ropes. Scotty leans out between the ropes to grab Tajiri but gets kicked in the head instead. He’s going to be like Eric Lindros when this match is over. Except smaller. Tajiri climbs the outside of the turnbuckle and goes for a springboard moonsault off the second rope, but misses. Looks like his chin bounced off Scotty’s hip while he was moving out of the way. Scotty’s shaking… he’s going for the FACEPLANT OF DOOM! But Tajiri ducks. Tajiri tries a kick with the left leg, Scottie grabs it with his left arm and swings wildly with the right, but Tajiri ducks and leans over the top rope to go for the TARANTULA! A different way of applying the hold, for a change. But Scottie reverses before Tajiri can grab his legs by doing a 180. Goes for a back suplex, but Tajiri hangs on. Back elbows while Tazz screams Daphne-like for no reason. Scotty goes for another tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, but Tajiri turns it into an inside cradle for the pin! (3:13) Nice. Scotty has a look on his face as if he bet on the Rams.

A quick shill for RAW, including the return of Goldust (derived from 100% pure gol), and we out.

Not bad. Without the live! aspect, the show had kind of a Metal feel to it but with better matches. I guess there would have been mutiny at WWF New York if they had anything but the Super Bowl happening there. Big ups to the midcarders for a good show.

Next year: Seahawks 35, Broncos 10! Whoo!

NFL Peace.