by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

DAG, YO, it’s time for another frickin’ pre-PPV Heat recap. Thanks for visiting, and I’ll keep it brief for you.

SURVEY SAYS: Nada. No response on the slightly new format for this recap. You’re indifferent toward me! You’re really, REALLY indifferent toward me!

We are live! from the Bradley Center in Milwaukee, it’s no Way out live on PPV, blah blah blah. Your hosts are MICHAEL COLE and… JONATHAN COACHMAN. What, no Al Snow? Rats. The best sign I’ve seen so far? “My Sign Sucks.”

First segment is a video recap of the Undertaker/Rock match. Push out the jive. Bring in the love.

Second segment is saved by an interview by LILIAN GARCIA featuring the always garrulous WILLIAM REGAL. HE’S GOT KNUCKLE DUSTERS! Well, not yet, but he will. He’s also reading off cue cards behind Lilian.

LG:   “Mr Regal, tonight you must defend the Intercontinental championship in the first time ever “Brass Knuckles on a Pole” match against Edge. What is your reaction to this?”

WR:  “My reaction? You want my reaction to such a barbaric act? I think it's bloody appalling. I mean, I always considered my power of the punch a blessing, but maybe it's a curse. I'm absolutely flabbergasted that Ric Flair would sanction such a match where brass knuckles are legal so that Edge has the advantage over my powerful left hook. I can't even imagine what kind of damage a weapon like that would do, having never used one myself. But then again, don't forget who I am and where I'm from. We English were thinking of torturing people long before this miserable excuse of a country was even founded, and I'm sure I can find it in my sinister little heart to use the brass knuckles if need be. Now, young Edge, he’s felt the power of the punch on several occasions. He keeps coming back for more. It’s almost admirable. But if he thinks for one second that he's going to use that grisly tool of destruction on me, he's got another thing coming. I will march into battle tonight as the Intercontinental champion and I will leave with my head held high secure in the fact that I have another victory through the power of the punch.”

Li’l G looks pretty good today. Slick Willie, on the other hand, has done better. A 5.6 for technical merit and a 5.7 for artistic impression.

Our next segment on the pre-PPV waste of airtime is a look at Stone Cold on Mad TV singing MC Hammer’s “U Can’t Touch This (What?!)” Cast members compare him to Laurence Olivier. What?! I said Laurence Olivier. Maybe in “Marathon Man,” I’ll give you that. Will Sasso’s from around these parts, apparently. Total mark, or so I hear.

Also in this segment is a thought-provoking and incisive interview with ROB VAN DAM. Hey, RVD in The Big Smoke at WM18! That’s not ironic!

LG:  “RVD!  Excuse me, RVD! Tonight at no Way out, you have a match against Goldust, a most unique competitor, but who seems to have this bizarre obsession with you.”

RVD:  “Hey, I can't blame Goldust or anyone else for that matter for being obsessed with me. After all, look, I am… Rob Van Dam. Now, I realize Goldust likes to wear wigs and makeup like those cross-dressers that walk down Hollywood Boulevard, but d’y’know what? I got no problem with that. In fact, if anybody can relate to individuality, it's RVD. Now, when that wig-wearing, cross-dressing freak wants to jump me from behind, then I got a problem… A BIG problem. And I’m going to do something about it. A lot of the people have taken Goldust lightly. I'm not going to make that mistake. See, Goldust thinks that I'm never going to forget the name of… (inhales) Dude, what's with the inhaling anyway? Goldust. Well, after tonight, Goldust is going to be just like everybody else that tried to beat me, a loser. He will never forget the name of everybody's favourite superstar… (inhales) Dig the inhale? Rob Van Dam.”

Yeah, I dig the inhale. Say, where’s 2 Cold?

When we come back, we go straight to TEST, who is unzipping. His luggage, that is. In comes BOOKER T to say something that exposes his character’s low intelligence in a humorous fashion.

BT:  “Big T! Are you ready or what, man?”

T:  “Yeah, I'm ready. Question is, are you ready?”

BT:  “Oh, yeah, I'm ready.”

T:  “If you're so ready, then why did you lose to that little punk Spike Dudley on "SmackDown!"? Do you know how embarrassing that is? Wait, you do know how embarrassing that is because you're the one who lost to him.”

BT:  “You had to go there, right?”

T:  “Yeah.”

BT:  “Yeah, I overlooked Spike, but let me tell ya somethin’: I was just having a little fun. Tonight is for the three-time tag team championship of the world. Tonight, we take Tazz and Spike straight outta the game, now can U dig that?”

T:  “I can dig that.”

BT: “YEAH!” (soul fingerlock handshake)

Sheesh, don’t remind me about Big T. Hey, a shot of all the little hoodlums inside the foyer of the Bradley Center. One of them is giving the finger to everyone watching at home. How jocose! $!#%head.

Here’s some video footage of America’s Most Wanted host John Walsh at SmackDown! Apparently he used the show as a backdrop for one of his telecasts. There’s a ton of jokes begging to be told, all of them in bad taste, I’m afraid.

Video footage of HHH’s return ensues. Apparently Steffi had some difficulty, um, containing herself during the wedding vows bit. Sadly, I missed it. The one thing on RAW worth a video recap, and they don’t show it. Hey, that might be irony!

Next segment includes the actually-quite-amusing nWo scratch video treatment of the 40-years-in-four-minutes WWF vignette. TRADITION BITES!  So do the two guys doing the Chuck and Billy poses, complete with headbands, outside the Bradley Center. But they do it purely on a recreational basis. Also in this segment… a match?!

It’s he! It’s he! It’s DDP, sporting the Euro he won from Christian. The set includes two gigantic trailers and a No Way Out sign for a video screen. Blacktop Bully is nowhere to be seen. Your commentators are JIM ROSS and JERRY “THE KING” LAWLER. Ross promises a memorable night, without fail.

Oh, goody, it’s BOSS MAN supplying the opposition. Hey, I have respect for the guy, but come on. Ross calls it the final match on Heat. Well, technically, he’s right. DDP and his shiner have the stick…

DDP:  “It’s me! DDP! You know, Boss Man, I couldn’t help but noticing you’re not (smile) smiling on your way to the ring. But then it hit me why. Because people are always chanting “Boss Man sucks!” But that’s…

Pavlovian response causes Boss Man to throw a hissy fit (0.4 Christian).

DDP:  “But… but that’s not a bad thing… at least they know your name. It’s way better to be a somebody who sucks than to be a nobody who doesn’t. (smile) Imagine your embarrassment if you came out here and everybody said ‘I don’t know who you are! But you SUCK!’ (smile) And that’s not a bad thing… that’s a good thing.”

Boss Man’s had enough. He throws a clothesline, but DDP ducks, however, Boss Man hits a knee lift on the way back. Punches and a choke. DDP fights back. Discus clothesline. Clothesline over the tope rope. Baseball slide dropkick. Back into the ring. Punches in the corner, DDP mounts the second turnbuckle, but gets smoked in the cubes for his trouble. Snake eyes! Foot across the throat. Irish to the corner, DDP with a back elbow. Boss Man with a power slam for two. BM berates referee Nick Patrick. Boss Man slide-under-the-ropes-uppercut. DDP fights back, but runs into a bear hug. Feel the tension running through the crowd! Someone has his WHAT sign upside-down. Doofus. Crowd chants “DDP! DDP!” I’m surprised they can spell it, let alone chant it. Bell ringers provide the escape route. Unconvincing boot to the face by Boss Man during an awkward camera angle change that probably caused more embarrassment than it saved. DDP’s bad, not BM’s. Two count. DDP fights back, but BM applies the sleeper. A more aptly named hold was never invented. DDP out quickly with the jawbreaker. Clothesline gets DDP a two count, and he’s already sucking wind. Big spinebuster by Bubba. Two-and-a-half. BM goes to abuse the ref, eventually pie-facing him. Now he’s gone to his SWAT vest for a rope of some kind, which he is using to strangle DDP as Patrick calls for the bell outside the ring. A DQ after about three-and-a-half minutes of riveting action. Did I say “riveting”? I meant “go-to-the-fridge-for-a-beer-before-the-PPV-starts.” Boss Man chokes DDP out and takes the Euro from the ref. Somehow, DDP recovers and ducks a beltshot before dispatching Boss Man from the ring and retrieving his belt. As he tries to exit through the crowd, BM isn’t done, he attacks him at the Big Black Barricade with the nightstick. Play the bad guy’s music, make him feel special.

Ross and Lawler shill the PPV a bit, then we get a video recap of Stone Cold v. Jericho.

Well, a sucky match is better than no match at all. Unless it involves “Texas Death Match” rules, of course. Enjoy no Way out! Wait, it’s over already. Rewind the tape and enjoy it again!

nWo Peace.

E-MAIL THE IMMOLATOR
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The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

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