DAG, YO, I got yer Heat recap right here. Now that the Olympics are over, and there’s this giant void in your life, it’s time to fill that void with the best stuff on Earth: midcarders. And plenty of them.

AFTERGLOW: Canada kicks ass.

We are… not live! We’re at wherever SmackDown! was taped, and right away, it’s time to make like Stevie Nicks and… Stand Back! THE HURRICANE is coming through, along with MIGHTY MOLLY and, less importantly, MICHAEL COLE is here. Hey, it’s a Cruiserweight title match. Sweet. TAZZ is also in the hizzouse, and he’s already talking nWo instead of the match at hand. Did I miss something in the intro? Hmmm… rewind… generic parental advisory… one world leader WWF… bit it off, bit it off… nope. Hey, Cole and Tazz are at ringside. Could it be that we are finally rid of the curse that is WWF New York and its “guest hosts”? One can only hope.

The vaguely-Asian music of TAJIRI and his female companion TORRIE WILSON heralds the arrival of… um, Tajiri and Torrie Wilson. I know I’ve heard that melody somewhere. Damn it, it’s right there… dah-dah-dah-DAH-dah-dah-dah-dahhhhhh… It’s one of those sappy piano-and-strings instrumentals from the ‘70s. It’ll come to me. Torrie’s wearing electric blue leather pants and some kind of floral top. Yum.

Later today, Godfather and Test, Regal and Rikishi for the I-C belt (!) and Val Venis. See, they’re gearing this show up to be the Number Two show for one of WWFE’s split promotions. Can’t miss Heat! Can’t miss The Immolator’s recaps! Can’t miss Torrie in electric blue leather pants! Can’t stop yelling!

Hero handshake starts thing off. Collar and elbow. Go behind by Tajiri. Reversed into a side headlock. Pushed off toward the ropes, Tajiri flops down, ‘Cane hops over, off the far ropes, somersault by ‘Cane to duck the clothesline, ‘Cane pops up to deliver an Irish whip, leapfrogs Tajiri, goes for the reverse monkey flip, but Tajiri avoids by getting big air on a somersault of his own. DEEEEEP armdrag by Tajiri. Shades of Ricky Steamboat! ‘Cane with one of his own. Tajiri handsprings right back up. Superhero pose by ‘Cane. Crowd pop for the chain wrestling. Round Two: Collar and elbow. Side headlock by ‘Cane. Pushed off, but ‘Cane gets in a shoulderblock on the way back. Superhero pose, off the rope, Tajiri flops down, Cole says a crowbar is the same thing as a tire iron, ‘Cane hops over, Tajiri goes for the hip block, reversed, Tajiri holds on to avoid being thrown, ‘Cane slaps him on the chest and puts a leg over Tajiri’s neck to flip over. Nice. Tajiri PLANTS a foot in his face. Ouch. Crowd loves that. Tazz is doing his ‘70s announcer’s voice again, which sounds more like Howard Cosell every week.

T(HC):  “And Tajiri kicking The Hurricane’s tongue out of his mouth.”

MC [sarcastically]: “That’s great.”

Tajiri chops (WHOO!). Irish, goes for the back elbow, ‘Cane ducks, Irish by ‘Cane, some kind of jumping clothesline by ‘Cane. Now he’s working on the left arm. ‘Cane drapes Tajiri’s arms across his own neck and DRIVES him to the mat with a neckbreaker. Nice. He’s going up! Going for the double axehandle… Tajiri with the roundhouse to the gut instead. Ouch. Molly clutches at her abdomen in sympathy. The Immolator clutches at Molly’s … never mind. Tajiri kicks ‘Cane about the thighs. Irish, reversed… Heavy Metal elbow! Two count by referee Jack Doan. Tazz calls Torrie “everybody’s favourite flotation device.” Irish by Tajiri. ‘Cane ducks a roundhouse. He applies the choke! Thumbs up! Spin kick to the gut escapes. Irish to the corner, reversed. ‘Cane charges… into the tarantula! BIG POP! Tajiri releases the hold at the count of three for some reason. Tajiri is going up, but ‘Cane meets him with a punch to the gut while Tazz makes inappropriate Orientalist/sexist jokes. Cross-armed Quebecer throw gets ‘Cane two-and-a-half. Now ‘Cane is going up. I think that was a Buff Blockbuster attempt, but Tajiri ducks. He’s clapping, which can only mean one thing… the big roundhouse! But ‘Cane ducks! EYE OF THE HURRICANE! ‘Cane lies on top for the pin… but Tajiri cradles him and gets the three count instead. Sweet. That was about 3:30 of damn fine wrestling right there. Plus Torrie adds a nice bounce factor to the celebration. 

Well, let’s go straight to the EVIL dressing room for an interview with LILIAN GARCIA featuring the always voluble WILLIAM REGAL. He gets a second chance to shine on the stick after last week’s pre-PPV disappointment, where he only got a 5.6 for technical merit and a 5.7 for artistic impression.

LG:   “Mr Regal, tonight on Heat, you defend your Intercontinental championship against Rikishi. But do you think that your Power of the Punch can defeat someone the size of Rikishi?”

WR:  “My dear Lilian, do you doubt me? The Power of the Punch fears no man! If you don’t believe me, just ask The Big Show, or Kane, or even that miserable little toerag Edge. Last Sunday, I told everyone that I was going to go out as the Intercontinental champion, and I would reign victorious, proving once again that the Power of the Punch is a match for no man. Now, tonight, my opponent Rikishi, who has this disGUSTing habit of putting his posterior in his poor opponent’s face, he needs to heed my warning. Because there is no way that grotesque behind will be going in this ruggedly handsome face of mine! The Power of the Punch will reign victorious once again.”

Well, that was better, but still a bit forced. Second-place ordinals all around. Later: a look back at the shocking impact the nWo failed to have this past week, since everyone was watching Ottavio Cinquanta do his best Evil Commissioner impersonation. End of segment.

When we come back, it’s the WAH-WAH PEDAL OF DOOM and THE GODFATHER featuring four lovely ladies. Well, maybe the two on the left. Tazz says business is down since the escort service opened, and slags one of the escorts on the right for being undesirably shaped. Joey Numbers reportedly suggests the GF get some chicks that look good.

Speaking of juicy, Heat is brought to you by Starburst fruit chews, XBox (Tazz tries not to make a joke) and Swanson Hungry-Man TV dinners. I guess they’ve found their demographic. Tazz is still busting a gut trying not to make a joke.

TEST comes out to his new EVIL music. As this is broadcast, Test is probably sitting in some hotel room watching himself with a big smile on his face, while Christian and Jericho crack open a couple of Molsons.

Like I said a couple of weeks ago, lame matches don’t warrant my attention, or that of my loyal supplicants… er, readers. Test moves out of the way of the Rub and a Tug and hits the Roll of the Dice for the win. Four minutes of eh. Finisher looks good, though. Referee Brian Hebner was mentioned by name, by the way. End of segment.

When we come back, a look at the casting for Tough Enough 2. Bob Holly and Ivory and a cast of jabronies are in Lost Wages with a freshly-shaven Al Snow, who now looks like he could have played second guitar for Rush back in ’73. Hey, a Chavo sighting! Actually, some of the jabronies look a step up on TE1 already, as we have previously been led to believe. That’s the segment? Sheesh. Next: Booker T and Val!

Yup, as promised, right back with Hello Ladies and VAL VENIS, who our commentators hope will yield better tomatoes than GF did earlier today. Tazz then goes on about produce until Val takes the stick and does his schtick. Back at the hotel room as this is being broadcast, Val has joined his buds for a festive cold one.

Several gratuitous honey shots later, a lucky plant is picked from the audience, and she looks vaguely like Khrystyne Haje. But not as tasty. And another lucky model’s dream has come true: a paid gig! Enough to buy cigarettes and coffee for the rest of the month! And she didn’t even have to fellate the cameraman this time! Ewwww…

Riffs! Yeah! Can U Dig It? It’s BOOKER T bringing way more pyro than I’ve ever seen on Heat. Nick Patrick is your ref. Yes, you are watching Heat, not SmackDown! The upper mid-card: get used to it. Go read Jonny X for your Funaki fix.

Collar and elbow. Roll, roll, roll around the ropes. Val has T in the corner… and lets him go clean. T shoves him in the chest as a way of giving thanks. Val responds in kind.

VV:  “Who the hell do you think you are? You want to shove me? I’ll shove you right back!”

Ooh, tough talk. T kicks him in the gut. Chop (WHOO!) and some Harlem Violence. Val responds with two left-arm clotheslines, a back elbow, an elbowdrop and a kneedrop. OLD SCHOOL! Two count. Irish, T reverses, puts on the brakes and applies the outside roundhouse kick to the side of Val’s face. The commentators play up Hogan-Rock as if it were Hogan-Flair 10 years ago. Which they failed to deliver on, I might add. T signals for the Bookend, but he hasn’t even done the Spinaroonie yet, so we know Val will escape. Rude Awakening to go with his other Rude Awakening. Both men up at the same time, but Val gets the better of the exchange. Irish by Val, clothesline attempt, T ducks, but Val hits a Hawk-like flying shouldertackle on the way back. Val calls a spot, Irish, back body drop. Booker gets a couple of punches in, Irish, Val reverses and hangs on to the arm to deliver the knee to the gut. And again. Neckbreaker. Two count. Irish, reversed, T with a knee to the gut, now Val is all doubled over in pain. Uh-oh. Axe kick. Crowd boos! Mommy, the evil man is going to do his funny move! Nope, Val is up, ducks the side kick, SPINEBUSTER by Val. He’s going for that funky leglock, but T gets to the ropes. T bails and Val follows. They exchange blows right in front of a couple of nWo shirt-wearing marks. Val tosses T under the bottom rope and sunset flips over the top. T is fighting it…  T falls forward and grabs the second rope. One… Two… nope, Patrick sees T and breaks the count. He even kicks T’s hands off the rope so Val can counter for two. I thought he was EVIL! Oh, well, so much for continuity. Val with a Berzerker Slam, and he’s going to the top… Money Shot, but T gets the knees up. Both men are down. But wait! SPINAROONIE! HARLEM SIDEKICK! And T gets the duke out of nowhere. Hey, a five-minute match. And many in the crowd rejoice. Can a face turn be far behind? Probably.

Let’s go back to not-Salma Hayek and an interview with RIKISHI in the not-EVIL dressing room.

LG:  “Rikishi, earlier tonight, we heard from Intercontinental Champion William Regal, and he simply stated that there is no match for his Power of the Punch.”

R:  “The Power of the Punch? That’s all I heard him talkin’ was the Power of the Punch. William Regal, what’choo need to realize is The Power of the Ass. Because tonight, when Rikishi backs that ass up, I’m takin’ over the gold. Bet that, and you can take that to the bank.”

Next, vehicular assault! Don’t let the kids miss this one!

When we come back, Tazz and Cole shill the path of destruction the nWo has walked all week long. Surely, there is no hope for humanity. Poison has been injected. The WWF is doomed. Might as well grab the remote and order the WWA pay-per-view instead. Look, Scott Steiner abusing small people!

They show the recap from SmackDown! aGAYunh. Smashy smashy. Cole uses his soft(er) voice to tell us Rocky miraculously only suffered contusions and abrasions. Yeah, bite me. Austin sprays Hall with the 3:16 while we’re at it. Next, Rikishi and Regal! End of segment.

The ridiculously EVIL music of William Regal plays. Hey, Sour Skittles is presenting WMX8. That’s ridiculous. But not as ridiculous as the size of Rikishi’s heiney. Tazz has the giggles because the windows on his school in Red Hook were boarded up and the next RAW comes from the Dunkin’ Donuts Arena in Providence. Bodyslam by Rikishi. Tazz chortles. Regal with the sunset flip, Rikishi slaps his cellulite-riddled derriere to signal a butt splash, and Regal bails before Rikishi can drop down. Priceless look on Regal’s face, as if to say “Dear God, I was almost engulfed by that miserable toerag’s enormous bumb.” Rikishi says “That close.” Crowd says “Regal sucks!” Rikishi with the waistlock, threatening the BIG belly-to-belly, but Regal hits several forearms to escape. Tazz compares the smell emanating from Rikishi’s buttocks to snake venom. Rikishi with a clothesline. And another. AND the belly-to-belly. LEGDROP OF DOOM! Regal, aghast, rolls out and grabs his I-C belt while referee Teddy “Peanuthead” Long shoos Rikishi away. BIG savate kick by Rikishi meets Regal as he re-enters the ring. CRIPES that ass is big. SLAPSLAPSLAP… Butt-first Avalanche. Regal duly slumps in the corner. HUGE POP! HUGH JASS! Rikishi raises the roof and plants his Rump of Unusual Size right in Regal’s schnozz. Regal goes for the I-C belt, but Teddy Long take it away… aha, that was just a ruse. A prevarication. A pure canard. While Long puts the belt away, Regal goes into his tights. His own, that is. HE’S GOT KNUCKLE DUSTERS! Rikishi kisses that left, 1-2-3. About three minutes, not too bad. Regal gets squashed by fat-man offence and cheats to win. As it should be. Regal leaves the ring with a sour grimace on his face, at least, even more sour than usual. End of show.

A fine show all around, I must say. Citius. Altius. Gluteus.

IOC peace.