DAG, YO. Anna1, Anna2…

# WHOAAARRGHHH…

When I wanna runny worm, and I go and get it

When I choose what I wanna be, I come around

When I wanna get it off, I whip it out

Gonna get it off, bit it off. #

PYRO! PYRO! PYRO! Welcome to another Sunday Night Heat recap with yours truly, the bus-ridin’, Corolla-drivin’ son-of-a-gun himself, The Immolator. I got a gold card! BOO-yah!

We are taped! from wherever the heck Smackdown! was. Your hosts again this week on MTV, and SportsNet in Canada: THE COACH, along with TAZZ at ringside. Looks like a regular gig at the Copa for The Coach, who informs us that “the heat is just heating up.” Thermodynamics? We don’t need no stinkin’ thermodynamics!

It’s he! It’s he! It’s DDP, and he’s defending the European Championship forthwith. Bang! Hang on, dawg, DDP is motioning toward the back for someone to come out. Surprise, surprise, it’s CHRISTIAN. DDP gets him to do the smiley thing, and they proceed down the ramp. Coach and Tazz shill next week’s WMX8. Will the pre-PPV Heat still be a sucky shillfest in this Brave NEW World? Probably.

LANCE STORM, as his reward for giving us a five-star effort all week against RVD, gets a shot at Euro gold. Okay, it’s not the Saskatchewan Hardcore International Title, but it will do. Monday on RAW, The Rock and Steve Austin v. the nWo, as mandated on Smackdown! by Mr. McMahon. Will The Rock and Austin prevail over seemingly insurmountable odds? The Mystical Smoking Head of 'Bob' says: “As I See It, Yes.”

Here we go. DDP with an arm wringer into a hammerlock. Storm with the reversal, but DDP manages a leg trip and he floats over into a front facelock. Quick reversal into a hammerlock by Storm. Now an arm wringer. DDP somersaults his way out, hangs on to the arm and tackles Storm’s shoulder area. Side headlock. Storm pushes out to escape. Shouldertackle by DDP takes Storm to the mat. DDP off the far ropes, leaps over Storm’s prostrate body, Storm goes for a hip block on the rebound, DDP reverses and tries one of his own. Storm ain’t budgin’ despite the size difference. DDP drives a knee into the gut and tries a clothesline, Storm ducks, but DDP nails a clothesline with the other arm instead. All the while, Tazz is shilling how great Storm is and how all he needs is an opponent for WMX8. Hmmm… DDP Irish whips Storm across the ring and sets up for a clothesline, but Storm hangs onto the ropes… so DDP charges and clotheslines Storm off the apron. Now Coach is shilling for Christian, and how he is trying to find his smile or whatever… hmmm. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? That’s right… Nash squashes both of them in a handicap match.

Back to the action. Storm gets back up on the apron, ducks the hair grab to drive a shoulder into DDP’s gut, and drops down with DDP’s throat across the top rope. Coach suggests Tazz has mental problems. Tazz admits he is a “mental midget,” then recants, saying he’s not a midget. Storm gets back into the ring to go for a pin, but only gets two from referee BRIAN HEBNER, or however he spells it. I thought it was Earl Jr.? Storm with some punches in the corner, a snap mare and a legdrop for two. A couple of elbows to the back of the skull, and into that funky headlock with the crossface. DDP quickly fights back up, drives a series of elbows to the gut and goes for a big boot. Storm catches it and spins DDP all the way around. DDP goes for a clothesline, Storm ducks and goes for one of his own, but DDP applies a small package. Hey, he hooked the tights! Referee! No matter, Storm kicked out at two and laid DDP out with a nasty back elbow. Storm is EVIL! He throttles DDP over the second rope and starts jaw-jackin’ with Christian. DDP hoists himself up out of the corner and lays into Storm. Right hands and chops (a bit low on the WHOO! factor due to those gloves he wears) in the corner, then he Irish whips him around into the same corner and delivers the classic series of ten, count ‘em, TEN heads-to-the-top-turnbuckle. Tazz wonders why the crowd doesn’t count down from ten instead. Two count for DDP. Calgary Sidekick by Storm! Two count only. Tazz says Storm would make a great Euro champ, since he’s from Europe. God bless you, Tazz. DDT by DDP. Storm gets a leg on the ropes just in time to break the pin count. Ooh, Christian doesn’t like the ref’s call. He REALLY doesn’t like it. He’s in a petulant frenzy! He’s petulant, and he’s having a frenzy! Now he’s on the apron while DDP tries to calm him down with some yogic breathing. Breathe with me now, people. In through the nose (FFFFFFFFF), out through the mouth (SSSSSSSSSu). You know, this can get you killed in China.

Refreshed? Good. Storm hits a reverse jawbreaker on DDP and a big ol’ savate kick for… no, two-and-a-half only! Damn, and he had both legs grapevined and everything. Storm tires for a suplex, but DDP floats over and tries for the Cubic Zirconium Cutter… nope, Storm reverses into a backslide attempt… but DDP wrests free and hits the CZC for the victory. Wow, almost six minutes of solid wrestling. Storm is on his way to laying the same kind of claim one of his Calgary contemporaries made about bringing out the best in his adversaries. High-five from Christian. DDP wants him to go through the unwashed masses, but he declines. “Baby steps,” says Coach.

Next: clips from TE2! THRILL as the Lucky 13 move into their new house! CHEER as Pete selects the wooden Venetian blinds instead of the ruffled drapes! GRIMACE as Anni agrees to the Scotchguard along with the carpet cleaning! End of segment.

POINTLESS ASIDE: I can’t recall the last time WM was so hastily booked. It’s less than a week before the event, and there’s officially four matches announced. We can assume Flair v. ‘Taker and Jazz v. Lita. This might end up sucking as bad as WM6 did. Hey, it’s true, it’s true. WM6 had three things going for it: a hot crowd, a main event of tumultuous proportions, and Steve Allen. “# I get no kick from Ukraine…”

Shopzone.com ad opens the next segment. One week from WMX8! Let’s segue into TE2’s season opener. Aw, right off the bat, Shad failed his physical (hmmm… maybe he had more than just Wheaties for breakfast, if you catch my drift), so Danny gets in though the back door into the Lucky 13. What about The Lizard?!

In the “Trax West” training facitlity, everyone gets boo-boos on their elbows. Ivory is, as usual, tasty. Jessie is crying because Ivory criticized her for smiling at the guys when she locks up with them. I thought there wasn’t going to be any &%$#in’ crying in TE2? Eh, who cares. Not like I watched TE1. Ooh, Aaron’s significant other is chewing him out for abandoning her and running away to join the circus. THAT’S more like it. Now they’re on the beach doing an obstacle course. Why the hell am I transcribing this? Gotta admit, though, it is compelling viewing. Aaron suffers heat exhaustion and has to go to the hospital. Tazz gives him what for as we come back. “Just another victim,” etc. Tazz favours Jake and Danny.

Next: ‘Taker decimates David Flair, and it’s Chuck v. Bradshaw. Oh, goody, that can only mean one thing: Billy v. Faarooq later this week! End of segment.

POINTLESS ASIDE: Didn’t the APA win a title shot at WMX8 against B&C? Why isn’t this match advertised, then? Oh, yeah, because it’s APA v. B&C.

On the flipside, # Youuuuuuu looook soooooo… goodtomeeeee. It’s CHUCKY (w/ BILLY), complete with cowboy hats dusted off from the Smoking Gunns archives, personalized bandanas and red/orange bathrobes. Tazz says their theme song is right up Coach’s alley. Tony Chimel calls him “Chuck” instead of “Chucky.” I hate inconsistency. Well, sometimes.

Heat is brought to you by Snickers, Wolverine boots and Hungry Man dinners. This Wednesday, Sex (allegedly) on the Beach on UPN, and… hey, B&C are STOMPING those cowboy hats into oblivion! You see, they’re in San Antonio. This is their way of drawing local heat, akin to ripping on the Spurs. Note that B&C removed their personalized bandanas before doing their hat dance.

Ooh, now BRADSHAW (w/ FAAROOQ) is pissed. You see, he’s also from Texas. Brilliant! Acting! Thank you! No, thank you! Bradshaw gets the early offence in and hits a big DDT for two. Rude Awakening by Bradshaw for another two count. Tazz says Edgar Allan Poe was from Newark. Don’t ask me how we got here. Chuck tries the cross body, but Bradshaw catches him. You know what’s next. Bradshaw sets up for a piledriver, but Chuck back body drops his way out of trouble. Chuck off the far ropes… into a big Bradshaw boot. Chuck bails. Bradshaw follows. Uh-oh. Billy hits a flying clothesline off the steel steps and gets in an extra shot before Faarooq chases him off. Bask in the ring, a discus punch for two. Now that Chucky has the short hair, the Kerry von Erich vibe is gone. Heel offence in the corner. Suplex for two. Knee lift. Bradshaw tries to fight back. They exchange blows. Another knee lift. Side headlock… into a belly-to-back suplex by Bradshaw. The Ref who I Do Not Recognize applies the count to both men. Both men up at six. Bradshaw with a back elbow. Irish whips followed by clotheslines in one corner, than another. A suplex with a floatover, not quite Windhamesque enough for The Immo, and a two count. Irish, reversed by Chuck, Bradshaw with a shouldertackle. Off the far ropes… whoops, Billy grabs the ankle. Bradshaw turns to fight, and gets draped over the top rope instead. Silly Bradshaw. Small package… no, two count only as Faarooq clocks Billy on the outside. Irish into the corner by Chuck… he follows in, but there’s nobody home, That’s because Bradshaw has moved out of the way, in order to nail Chuck with the Clothesline from Heck for the pin. Big crowd pop for the local heterosexual favourite. Four-and-a-half minutes of eh.

Next: we will hear from the I-C champ, William Regal! Before we go, the “Desire” video of The Rock, featuring “Satellite” by Pod. Well, sort of. It’s not even two minutes long, and it’s almost all nWo-Rock stuff, setting up for the WMX8 shill. Icon v. Icon! Yeah, so was Bossman v. Akeem last time you were in T-Dot. End of segment. 

POINTLESS ASIDE: How does Jodie Foster manage to stay hot after all these years? I remember her from Grade 6 in “Freaky Friday.” Yowza.

When we come back, please, don’t try this wrestling stuff at home. Save it for the schoolyard, where there’s baseball bats and stuff. Okay, okay, I’m sorry. That was too easy. KIDS: televised violence is for vicarious purposes ONLY! Note that the parents’ site is now wwfeparents.com. The “E” is for Ephedrine!

And now, a WM Moment! Cool, usually up here in Canada we miss these spots and have to look at ads featuring goofy hockey star promos for SportsNet. Hogan slams Andre and delivers the LEGDROP OF DOOM for the win at WM3. Sigh.

The totally not-EVIL or even English music of WILLIAM REGAL heralds the arrival of the I-C champ for a wee chat. Just in case you’re like me and you only watch Heat, here’s a look back at SmackDown! when Regal used the knuckle dusters to screw RVD out of regaining his hardcore title. Oddly enough, he’s wearing the exact same suit and tie as he did Thursday. How gauche! Let’s listen in, once those ruffians in the crowd cease with the “Regal sucks!” chant. Peasants.

WR:  “There are many people that… [crowd boos] Like I was saying, there are many people that claim to love this country. But I have no shame in saying that I am not one of them. I wanted to. [WHAT?!] I tried to offer myself as an ambassador of goodwill. And I was treated with scorn and malice. [WHAT?!] And now that I am Intercontinental Champion, it has only gotten worse. It seems that you people cannot grasp the simple concept that my simple Power of the Punch makes me so successful. [WHAT?!] But whether you like it or not, my Power of the Punch has defeated more people in the World Wrestling Federation than any other offensive manoeuvre. [WHAT?!] Which is quite fitting, really, because my opponent at Wrestlemania is a man who has many offensive manoeuvres, and his name is Rob Van Dam. [crowd cheers, RVD chant ensues] Now, I’ve seen what you can do, lad. I’ve seen you fly across the ring. I’ve seen you spin in mid-air — do things no other man can seemingly do. But at Wrestlemania, that won’t help you one little bit. Because, while you fancy yourself as being laid back, I know that you’re like every single one of these people here, you’re lazy and you’re weak. [BOO!] And I am proud to say that I am nothing like you. I am unrelenting… I am sadistic… but most importantly of all, I am ENGLISH, and that just makes me better than you! [BOO!] So, at Wrestlemania, you can fly through the air, sunshine, and you can point your thumbs at your head like a bloody idiot, but when it’s all over, my simple Power of the Punch will keep the Intercontinental Championship right around my waist where it belongs. [BOO!] Because we know that two thumbs in the air [imitates RVD] is certainly no threat to my Power of the Punch.”

TESTIFY! Next, more glorious violence as ‘Taker bashes David Flair repeatedly against a locker door. End of segment.

POINTLESS ASIDE: David looks like he’s going brunette. If he has a shot in this business, he has to be the anti-Flair. He has to be… Dean Malenko.

We’re back. “Superstar” by Saliva is one of your WMX8 themes. I swear, these bands all sound the same. Where’s the innovators of tomorrow? What if Jim Morrison had said, “Hey, let’s put a band together that sounds like The Turtles! We’ll make a mint!” Sheesh.

At the ringside table, Coach and the much-shorter Tazz discuss ‘Taker’s reign of darkness over Ric Flair. Or words to that effect. Another look back at those lesser shows from this past week. ‘Taker does damage. Arn bleeds. David bleeds. Ric bursts several capillaries. A prelim wrestler that I swear I’ve seen before dresses up as a cop. Gawd, please don’t let this match scrape the bowels of suctitude. I’m beggin’ ya.

Next up: Rikishi v. Mr. P! BOO-yah!

POINTLESS ASIDE: I worship the ground Ric Flair struts on. And I’m not the type of guy to worry about him tarnishing a legacy and all that stuff. I just plain-and-simple don’t want Ric Flair to have a sucky match in my county, The Immolator’s country, the Great White North. This is God’s country when it comes to wrestling. This is Gene Kiniski, Killer Kowalski, Whipper Billy Watson, Edouard Carpentier, Don Leo Jonathan, Mad Dog Vachon and, Mean By Gawd Gene, Hart family country. I’m concerned, but I think ‘Taker will go the extra mile to put on a good show. He and HHH kicked ass last year, so here’s hoping. What does Bob’s smoking head think? Will the match suck? “My Sources Say No.” Suh-weet.

While I’m on my Canadian rant, big ups to Billy Red Lyons, wherever you are. You are missed.

Monday night, RAW will be a “rocket buster,” promises Tazz. Rock and Austin, handicap match, the handicap being the other three guys in the match. More importantly, it’s time for the real Main Event, it’s RIKISHI versus his old nemesis, the EVIL Look Back at Raw. Mr. P. gets the Stinkface. He must have revenge! And a bar of soap!

The Theme from Exodus graces our otherwise-besotted ears, and MR. PERFECT makes his way down the ramp. Towel throw: check. WM’s Greatest Hits is on UPN Tuesday with Cole and Lawler. I hope they include Adrian Adonis v. Uncle Elmer. Towel throw REDUX! Oooooooohhh… and a third towel toss, this time right at Rikishi’s face as he sneaks in a couple of rights. In short order, Rikishi takes the offensive with an Irish to the corner and a back elbow. Tazz is actually babbling at this point. Rikishi goes for a slam, but P floats over… whoops, he fell down on his knees. Ho-HO! The Master of Improv grabs onto Rikishi’s ankle, and he duly falls backward as if this were all meant to happen. P is up… KICK TO THE GRUNIES! Aiyee! Flying mare by P: Check. Tazz says he and Cole will bring us Heat from Skydome next week. Aw, and I was just starting to get used to Coach’s screaming outcues. P will heel offence in the corner. Who is the ref in this match? Looks like another Hebner. Maybe that’s Earl Jr. P goes for the slam, can’t do it. Goes for it again, and comes out looking at his hand in disgust. Ewwwwww… Rikishi follows with a slam. P pops right back up and gets Irished… whoops. On the rebound, my guess is Perfect thought it was going to be a back body drop, while Rikishi went for the Samoan. P wound up landing mostly on his left shoulder. Looks like he’s not too bad.

I was in Ottawa circa 1990, and saw a Kerry von Erich-Mr. Perfect classic at the Civic Centre. The match was for the I-C belt which P had won back from Kerry, if memory serves me correctly, and ended in a double count-out or some such. Post-match, an upset von Erich went to town on P. At one point, he rammed P’s head into the turnbuckle. Now, you know how P sells bumps like crazy. Often, he’ll sell a head-to-the-turnbuckle by simultaneously jumping on the bottom corner ropes and spinning around after getting his head rammed. Well, P jumped on the bottom corner ropes… and the turnbuckle came clean off the post. P wound up splat! on his back in the middle of the ring, either unconscious or just tremendously dazed. Von Erich looked at his prone body, unsure what to do. He looked up at the lights for a second, then just laid the I-C belt across P’s waist and left the ring. P got some assistance and eventually staggered off to the back, with some help, to a standing O. Anyway, that’s my classic Mr. Perfect memory. I don’t know if he remembers it himself, but I hope he’s reading this with a smile on his face.

Back to the match. Rikishi drags P into the centre of the ring, and it might be, it could be… it is! EARTHQUAKEah! P manages to get up and stagger into the corner, in prime position for the AVALANCHE, dorsal style. Slump in the corner: check. Sweets says: raise the roof! But Wheats will have none of that. While P has the ref’s attention, TEST comes in and gives Rikishi The Big Boat to the face and bails. Payback from Earlier This Week, you see. P gets the three count and the duke after about three minutes. Whoo-hoo!

Tomorrow on RAW, yadda yadda. End of show.

I like Heat. [smile] YOU like Heat. [smile] That means I like YOU. [smile]

DDP Peace.

[smile]