DAG, YO. Sunday Night Heat, live! from SkyDome, Toronto, Canada. It’s WrestleMania X8! And, for the next hour, you get to relive all the events that brought us here over the past… oh, couple of weeks.

WrestleMania, annals of time, blah blah blah. I’m still cheesed off that they jobbed out Bam Bam Bigelow at WMIV. Sing that song!

# WHOAAARRGHHH…

When I wanna runny worm, and I go and get it

When I choose what I wanna be, I come around

When I wanna get it off, I whip it out

Gonna get it off, bit it off. #

Ah, yes, SkyDome. Home of WMVI, and now, WMX8. The first WM I saw live (on TV), and the first I will not have seen live since then. More on that later. Outside Gate 11, the crowd waits to file in. Inside, way up in the rafters, MICHAEL COLE is decked out in a three-piece tux, while TAZZ is positively dapper in a black suit with orange shirt and tie.

Run down that card… live so-called “musical” performances by Saliva and Drowning Pool. Jericho and Steffi v. That HHH Guy. Undie and Flair, no DQ. The Rock and Hogan. Austin and Hall. A video package follows, taking us through the trials and tribulations of Stone Cold and the nWo. Now you know why they call them “cinder” blocks. End of segment.

Ah, yes, love these pre-PPV shows, don’t you? I wonder how many casual viewers they will get to push that jolly, candy-like button and shell out their US$30 (CAN$45). And I wonder how each purchase breaks down: ten cents for The Rock, two for Hall, and a shiny penny for RVD, perhaps.

On the rebound, back in front of Gate 11, someone’s got a Hogan Wrestling Buddy. I wanted one of those, but they never made one for Skinner. Inside, the Dome is starting to fill up. Looks bright and shiny, unlike over at Maple Leaf Gardens, where everyone is ready to tear each of the Toronto Raptors a new hole. I hope “JYD” Jerome Williams gets some more love from the SkyDome tonight than he is from the so-called basketball fans of T-Dot. Anyway, a new match added to the card: Maven defends the Hardcore title against Goldust. Cole uses this match to segue into a look at what happened this week on TE2. Hmmm. Smart cross-promotional move, I suppose, even if it has NOTHING to do with WM. Aaron’s fine from last week’s heat exhaustion. Big Show visits the crew and tells them he was an egomaniac from the get go because he didn’t have to pay his dues. They workout out in the sand again. Robert gets cut. So does some other guy they didn’t attach a name to during the video package. Whatever.

Well, time for an interview with MAineVENt himself, with LILIAN GARCIA, who still seems to take a shine to the young monobrow. Let’s listen…

LG:  “What an unbelievable year for you. I mean, first you win "Tough Enough," and then you have your WWF debut, and now, tonight, you’re gonna be defending your Hardcore title against Goldust here at WrestleMania.”

M:  “Lilian, you are absolutely correct. I think about it, just one year ago I was a schoolteacher, and tonight I'm going to be defending this hardcore title on our biggest show of the year, WrestleMania. To say it's been an unbelievable year, that's just an understatement.”

LG:  “Well, how exactly are you going to be dealing with the 24/7 rule that allows for your title to be on the line against anyone at anytime, anywhere, including your match here with Goldust?”

M:  “That's part of the hardcore title. I mean, that rule has worked to my advantage as well as my disadvantage. I just have to keep my eyes open, my head on straight and be prepared for anything.”

Maven occasionally looks around nervously to sell the 24/7 rule during the interview. Other matches: RVD and Regal. Lita v. Jazz v. Trish. DDP v. Christian. End of segment.

Actually, it’s a bit hard to tell where the segments end, because it seems most of the spots are for WWF-related products. The PPV itself. The “Forceable Entry” CD. Rock in “The Scorpion King.” I’m getting a headache just thinking about the wall-to-wall shilling going on this hour.

We’re back, and WM is available on wwf.com. Drowning Pool is here. We take a quick look earlier tonight with DP doing their sound check. Tazz says they drove all the way from Maine to be in T-Dot. Four corners match for the tag straps. Undie v. Flair again. They’re really selling this match – it even gets its own video recap. Lead pipes, Arn, David Flair, boardroom. Tazz screams “WOOO!” right in Cole’s face.

Yes, I spelled it “WOOO!” Even though it should have an “h” in it, Ric Flair himself said on “Off the Record” on TSN that it’s just a W with three O’s. Whatever the man says is good for me. End of segment.

Overnight, there was a fire across the block that knocked out the power to many homes, and the telephone and cable to many more, including this one. I wonder how many people are going to be cheesed off they couldn’t see WM. Me, I have a mini-dish. But I’m still not ordering.

Back to the Dome, it’s filling up, and Tazz and Cole take us back to Axxess, with its long lineups and some fan named Michelle with big breasts. It cost CAN$40 to get in, in case you hadn’t heard. They probably made more off that than the gate for WM itself. But the buzz on the Net seems to be mostly negative. Hey, there’s a really tacky statue of Stacy Keibler’s rear end. Anyway, let’s look at HHH on the Conan O’Brien show. HHH says Conan’s wrestling name would be “The Honeydew,” on account of his large cranium. EET’S LIKE SPOOTNIK! Except Sputnik was actually the size of a softball. Yup, HHH and Jericho tonight, and Jericho had better cut some serious anti-Toronto promo before the start of the match, or else he’ll have all the face heat. End of segment.

“Forceable” isn’t even a word, is it? And what’s up with “Xtreme” Doritos? What, they already didn’t taste enough like the grease trap at Arby’s?

Saliva… is… PERAMBULATING! They will also be performing live today. Cripes, that’s gotta be 10 minutes taken up with music that could have been used, you know, WRESTLING. Or even Stacey dancing with Pete Rose.

Let’s take a look back at “The Weakest Link” while we’re at it. Kane wins it in sudden death over Bubba Ray Dudley. Then he TOMBSTONES the host! No, not really. Kane and Angle tonight. Booker T and Edge. Hogan and The Rock. Video montage ensues. Why do I find myself hoping Hogan wins tonight? It’s actually the first time EVER that I’ve felt this way. Weird. I guess I’m getting tired of being beat over the head with Rocky this and Rocky that.

It’s the Theme from Exodus! HUGE pop for MR. PERFECT, along with LANCE STORM and TEST! Well, better Heat than never, I guess. After the break, they’re in action.

Right about this time, I’m thinking about ordering the PPV. I press the jolly, candy-like button… it asks if I want to order the event, at CAN$45. I decline. It’s just too much cash for a one-person household. Even one with a gold card. BOO-yah!

JIM ROSS and JERRY LAWLER and Sour Skittles welcome us on the flipside. The music folks give us an extra hit of Exodus, then… turn it up! BOOS emanate from the SkyDome faithful as SCOTTY 2 HOTTIE, ALBERT and RIKISHI shuffle their way down the ramp. Yes, they do have a ramp this time. And, yes, T-Dot wrestling fans have discriminating tastes. Nothing against the alleged faces in this match, but Mr. P. is like God here in Canada.

JACQUELINE THE TASTY REFEREE is working this match, too. Suh-weet. Albert and Storm start. Storm tries to whip Albert across the corner, but Albert reverses. Charge! Storm gets the boot up into Albert’s face. It’s really dark out there. Lots of blue lights. I like the colours, but they need to turn up the juice on the ring lights. Albert presses Storm into the sit-out gorilla slam. Test breaks up the pin attempt. Albert tags in Scotty. Irish by Scotty, reversed, and Mr. P. punches Scotty in the back on the rebound. Scotty takes offence and turns around to whack P, then turns back… CALGARY SIDEKICK! Storm tags in Test. Nash-like offence in the corner. He gives Jackie a pie-face when she tries to intercede, but not enough to knock her down. Irish to the far corner, followed in immediately by the big clothesline. Test tags Storm back in. Storm with a boot to the gut. S2H tires to mount an offensive, but gets a kneelift instead. Bodyslam… Storm quickly to the top, but he misses the elbowdrop. He must have learned that one from Bret. Storm tags in P… but Albert tags Rikishi to a favourable pop. Rikishi with a series of punches and the Samoan Drop. Just like last week, P took it on his left side instead of flat on his back. Hmmm… Rikishi clotheslines both Test and Storm as they run in. Big savate kick knocks P out of the ring, then Storm (barely) lands one on Rikishi, also sending him to the floor. Uh-oh… FACEPLANT OF DOOM! Reasonable pop! Lawler calls it “The Canadian Worm,” and the crowd sings The Worm Song. W! O! R! M! Whoo, whoo, whoo, HOO! HOO! HOO! HiiiiiiiiYA! Scotty connects, but Storm rolls out of the ring, then Test nails S2H with The Big Boat. Looks like Paul E. helped out with this one, because here’s Albert with the Baldo Bomb on his former partner. Now P is in to club Albert out of the ring… Charge! Rikishi butt-splashes P in the corner. P wobbles like the trainer in the video game… and duly slumps in the corner. Big ass pop! Raise the retractable roof! He’s backing it up… but Perfect covers his face with his towel just as Rikishi starts grinding down with that ridiculously large posterior. When Rikishi gets up, the towel is crammed halfway up his venti-sized crack. HI-larious. P gets up, but gets savate kicked right in the mush. Ross assures us that towel will not end up on display at the WWF Hall of Fame. Rikishi’s mounting the second turnbuckle… BONSAI! Three count gets the duke for the faces after about three minutes. Yeah, they’re gonna dance. Jackie shakes her groove thang, too. Humminahumminahummina.

We leave Heat with a video recap of Jericho and HHH. And Steffi. Can’t forget about Steffi.

So, that’s it. WM follows. Again, I didn’t buy it. It was one thing to shell out for the PPVs back in the university days when ten of us would gather around and chip in five bucks and get pizza and all that. And WMX7 was the only PPV I bought all year. Now… eh. They didn’t make me care enough. And I’m not your typical smark. If I thought it was all crap except for Lance Storm, I wouldn’t bother spending my time recapping it. On paper, the matches look promising. But the story behind the matches was largely thrown together over the last few weeks. Rock-Hogan should be one of the biggest main events of all time. But there was hardly any build-up.

Alas.

So, The Immolator will see you on the other side of WMX8… when he takes over the Smackdown! recapping duties from the departed Mr. Shapiro. It’s gonna be a hell of a year, so stick with OO and make sure you read the recaps for all the shows. As I’ve pointed out, some of the best wrestling lately has been on the so-called “secondary” shows.

Until next time… peace.