by The Immolator
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

DAG, YO. The Immolator here. Recapping for you THE best damn show in sports entertainment today, Sunday Night Heat. But first, it’s time once again to show the entire world…

THE IMMOLATOR’S GIANT SACK of mail. Let’s take you back to Earlier This Week on the SD! recap, when Immo said…

TI:  “Cole calls it “The Alabama Slam” as if he’s seen it a zillion times before and he’s an authority on the move. I hate it when people do that. It’s his first time back on the tube, it’s the first time he’s used the move, and Cole knows its Holly-specific nickname. A little background, at least?”

Well, no fewer than four intrepid souls let me know that Bob Holly did indeed use the

Alabama Slam in that brief period of TV time he got between his injury at the hands of Kurt Angle and this past Thursday. A period so brief, I missed it completely. Big ups to a certain Mr. Allain, a certain Traynor, a certain R. Peltier and a certain “jd4,” all from Parts Unknown, for setting me straight. Feedback and iteration. Help ME… help YOU.

Also, visit 4colorreview.com. Even though I saw no reference on their site to Captain Carrot, or even Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Ham. Which was a total rip of CC, but at least gave us the legend that is Goose Rider.

Back to ‘rasslin! It’s the first Sunday Night Heat after the “brand extension.” It’s a RAW-specific show. No Rock. No Hogan.

WOOO! Now sing!

# WHOAAARRGHHH…

When I wanna runny worm, and I go and get it

When I choose what I wanna be, I come around

When I wanna get it off, I whip it out

Gonna get it off, bit it off. #

PYRO! PYRO! PYRO! We are taped! from wherever Raw was held. Your new hosts are JONATHAN COACHMAN and, yes, RAVEN. But first…

New… new…newnewnew World order. The s’Waybac machine takes us to the era of black-and-white television: 1996. SCOTT HALL is in the hizzouse, by his lonesome.

R:  “I find it fascinating that the nWo was able to be drafted as a unit as opposed to individuals like everyone else. Apparently, their legal representation must have been of a stellar nature.”

TESTIFY, my brother! Coach says it’s odd to see Hall out by himself.

R:  “I’m sure the other two are in support somewhere in the building. And I don’t think it’s unusual, Coach. I just think that, depending on the calibre of opponent, I think they’re gonna pick and choose who they need to be at ringside to be accessible.”

Do you smell what Raven is cooking? Man, this show RULZ.

“Calibre of opponent” would refer to CRASH, who has lost his last name again, even though he’s billed as hailing from Mobile, Alabama. Coach welcomes us to the new Heat, and welcomes Raven as the new colour dude. It’s been a while since Johnny Polo, huh?

R:  “Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, I will lend both insight and analysis into the otherwise mundane proceedings.”

JC:  “… Interesting.”

Hall flicks the Toothpick of Unbridled Hilarity in Crash’s face, and eats a pair of dropkicks in return. Forearms and stomps in the corner. Irish to the far corner, reversed by Hall, he follows in… Crash moves out of the way. Small Package! Two count only from referee EARL HEBNER. Raven says Crash is better than people think. Crash off the ropes, slides between the legs as hall swings wildly, sunset roll-up! Two count again. Forearm, Irish, reversed, Hall goes for a clothesline, duck under, cross-body attempt by Crash… heh. Caught in mid-air by Hall. Fallaway slam. The commentators shill Heat as a chance for the mid-carders to shine. Hall slaps Crash around a bit and stomps on him. Irish to the corner, clothesline. Stompin’ at the Savoy. Abdominabubble stretch. Will Hall grab the ropes? No, he grabs Crash’s free ankle instead and pulls up.

R:  “Notice how he picks the ankle as well, applying even more pressure across the abdominals, the intercostals and the serratus.”

JC:  “What?!”

R:  “That would be parts of the abdomen, Coach.”

JC:  “Oh.”

Hall grapevines the legs and procures a reverse chinlock. Then he lets it go and stomps on him some more. Raven is sore about losing the Hardcore title later on tonight. Er, I mean, last Monday on Raw. Front facelock by Hall… inside cradle by Crash! One… Two… kickout. Big clothesline by Big Scott. Lateral press, and a two count. Discus punch. Chokeslam. Two count. Back suplex from the top turnbuckle gets a good pop.

R:  “The belly-to-back off the top, which is always the prelude to The Razor’s Edge.”

In-DEED! And a good pop, too. The crowd counts the 1-2-3 along with Earl. (3:30) That was an utter squash, and it was STILL longer than most of the matches on SD! this past Thursday. Hall dusts off his hands.

Back in the dressing room, it’s ol’ Mr. Humbert himself, JERRY ”THE KING” LAWLER, and he’s got a few things to say to JAZZ. Presumably none of them involving a tub of Reddi-Whip.

JL:  “You know, Jazz, I’m still a little bit upset with you about the fact that you messed up my wet T-shirt contest. But, be that as it may, I want to talk to you about tonight. You are putting the WWF Women’s title on the line against who I consider to be, probably the toughest woman in the WWF. I’m talkin’ ‘bout Jackie.”

J [non-plussed]:  “Jackie, the toughest woman in the WWF?”

JL:  “Yeah!”

J:  “Pfff. I don’t think so. See, King, Jackie is small fry. To me, she’s nothin’ but a little SKANK.”

JL:  “Whoa-ho, waitaminnit. You’re not callin’ Jackie a skank, I know you’re not… uh-oh.”

JACQUELINE enters to add her two… uh, cents. To avoid/create confusion, her initials will be…

JI:  “Who are you callin’ a skank… SKANK?”

J:  “I didn’t stutter…  DID I? Now, what’cha gonna do about it?”

JI:  “I’ll TELL you what I’m gonna do about it…”

J:  “OH-hoho. I get this. You get it, King? She’s just jealous.”

JI:  “Jealous?!”

J [taking title belt off shoulder]:  “She wants some of this, don’t ya?”

Jazz takes the belt and bonks Jackie in the head with it, but not too hard. Just enough to make a hollow-sounding thud. Jazz has a tattoo on her right shoulder that reads ye in Mandarin and means “Jesus.” Jackie recovers.

JI:  “You b[bleep]!”

The two women start brawling.

JL:  “Get me some help! Get me some help!”

King can’t help because he’s got his crown in one hand and his mic in the other. Yeah, that’s the ticket. A couple of refs pull them apart.

JI:  “B[bleep]! C’mon, bring it on!”

J [off-camera]:  “I’m the champ!”

The ref that’s holding back Jackie earns himself some extra pay by saying the line “That’s enough, c’mon.” Well, they left it in, but I still think he’ll get a good talking to from the higher-ups for opening his mouth on-camera. End of segment.

How ya like me now? Oh, what’s this, my giant sack (of mail) is stirring. Let me reach down and see what’s going on down here…

A certain W. Lehman wants a reminder who the dog was in the Zoo Crew. T’was indeed Yankee Poodle.

A certain Christian (Christiaaaaaan!) thanks me for the translation I gave of Tajiri’s rant from SD! Umm… you’re welcome. Except I don’t speak Japanese. Well, I know the difference between a katsu-don and an oyako-don, but that’s about it. English, half-assed French and some Mandarin, that’s my repertoire. I assumed the translation I gave was so ridiculous that the joke was obvious. But, as the saying goes, you should never make assumptions, because you make an ass out of “u” and “mptions.”

Raven does kick ass, though.

Back to the show. Apparently those of us watching Sportsnet missed another Lugz “Kick in the Eye,” this one involving Eddie Guerrero doing it froggie-style to RVD. Hey… wait a second… that’s… that’s TOMMY DREAMER’s music! Hearing THE FINK announce Dreamer’s name is a pleasure and a privilege. His opponent, just as unlikely, is SHAWN STASIAK. I know it’s him, because it says so on his trunks. Some of the crowd chants “Meat! Meat!” Let’s see what they do with him this time.

Before they lock up, Coach says Stasiak is not all there, kind of like Raven.

R:  “Absolutely incorrect, Coach. I am a genius, a card-carrying member of MENSA, and whenever I do things, no matter how strange they may seem, there is always an ulterior motive. Shawn Stasiak is utterly and completely out of his cracker.”

Yes, that’s right folks. The MENSA club:  Raven, Asia Carrera, and me. Appearing soon at a convention near you. Yeah, yeah, I know who Asia is. So do you. You also knew who Minka was when she popped up on Nitro.

Collar-and-elbow, Dreamer pushes Stasiak into the corner. Stasiak shoves him away while he is breaking. BOO! Now we know who the heel is. Tie-up again, Shawn with the side headlock, takes him over. Dreamer with the reversal into the head scissors. Shawn kicks out on the third try, goes for an elbowdrop, misses. Arm wringer by Dreamer, wrenches it a couple of times, locks in an armbar. Shoved into the corner by Stasiak. Knee to the gut, heel violence. Shawn admonishes referee NICK PATRICK for being officious, which means it’s time for Dreamer to rebound. Punches in bunches. Irish to the far corner. Back elbow on Stasiak as he bounces out of the corner. Irish, but Stasiak grabs onto the top rope to stop his momentum, slides out of the ring, and calls a time-out. Dreamer with a dropkick through the ropes. He goes out and dumps Shawn back inside, then rolls into the ring under the bottom rope. Shawn nails him and stomps away before he can get up. Irish, reversed, hip block by Dreamer. Boot to the gut, snap suplex. Coach plays up HH v. HHH at Backlash.

R:  “Now, will Hogan be sporting the red-and-yellow?”

JC:  “I would think so.”

R:  “Oh, Good Lord.”

Stasiak yanks Dreamer by the belt, headfirst into the second turnbuckle. Clothesline. Punch and kick. Irish with mustard on it to the far corner. Dreamer is writhing in pain, pointing at his ribs. Shawn works on the ribs. Dreamer tires to pull himself up out of the corner, but Stasiak grabs the legs and yanks so that Dreamer lands flat on his back. Side slam. Rib-breaker, and a two count. Punches, and an abdominabubble stretch. I do believe that move has returned! Stasiak does the right thing and grabs the ropes for leverage. Raven says Dreamer has more heart than anyone in the WWF. Coach begs to differ, citing Spike, the Hardy Boyz…

R:  “Coach, everyone is entitled to their opinion… The difference between you and I, is that I’ve actually faced these people, and you’ve sat there and gawked at ‘em.”

JC:  “Well… you’ve got a point.”

Patrick eventually sees the arm on the ropes and tries to yank it away. Dreamer hip blocks his way out of the hold. Fireman’s carry by Stasiak… into a gutbreaker across the knee. Two count. Irish by Stasiak… sunset flip by Dreamer! Two count only. Stasiak goes for a clothesline, duck under, Shawn hits the knee into the gut on the rebound.

R:  “The thing I hate about rib injuries, is that it’s so hard to breathe. I mean, you’re already sweating and breathing hard enough competing. But then, when the ribs are injured, I can’t even begin to describe the pain.”

Stasiak is going for a Vader Bomb… but Dreamer gets the knees up! Now Dreamer goes to town, really selling the rib. Irish, back body drop. Inverted atomic drop. The crowd is dead… partly because these guys, great ring storytelling aside, are moving like they’re in quicksand. Reverse neckbreaker by Dreamer. Clothesline under the bottom turnbuckle! But Stasiak obviously was blocking it with his hand. Raven points this out, saying Stasiak had the time to mitigate the force of the blow. Neckbreaker. Dreamer… going to the second turnbuckle…  elbowdrop misses! Stasiak, setting up for the Slop Drop, which Raven calls.

JC:  “Slop Drop?! Is that what you call it?”

Dreamer fights out and hits a DDT! Two count only, though. Coach tells the kids at home not to try stuff like that, leave it to the professionals in the ring. Stasiak with a knee to the gut. Off the ropes… Rydeen Bomb by Dreamer (I think)! One… two…  no, shoulder up. Dreamer sets up for a piledriver… Stasiak powers out and flips Dreamer over. Clothesline attempt by Shawn, ducked… fireman’s carry by Dreamer! Could it be… the DVD?! NO, his ribs give out. Shawn slips off… Slop Drop! (6:30) That’s right, these guys went six-minutes plus. Won’t see that on SD! Not that most people would want to. Which is why Heat exists, the last refuge for scoundrels like us. Kudos for the ring psychology and the commentators emphasizing the rib and, you know, actually calling the match. No clumsiness shown by Stasiak, or even hinted at. Just general heelishness.

Next: Austin signs for RAW. What?! Yes. What?! Yes. And so on. End of segment.

BEST HEAT EVER! And we’re only about 20 minutes in. Mind you, I’m not counting the old two-hour pre-SD! shows, none of which I got to see, except the pre-PPV ones. Absolute thumbs-up at this point.

On the flipside, Coach and Raven set up the look back at the Austin contract saga from last Monday, including almost the whole event involving The Big Show carting Vince off. Then Coach and Raven add via voice-over that Austin wanted Vince back into the building so they could have their little in-ring skit. Jeez, even the video recaps have better storytelling than before. Austin stunners McMahon, Flair and McMahon again.

R:  “A rattlesnake will bite any hand that feeds him.”

I think that was one of Shaw’s… anyway, women’s title up next! End of segment.

Yeah, I’m in MENSA. I plunked down my cash and took the test. And the test tells me that, since high school, I’ve become really stupid at science and overly bright at the arts. Must have been the WEED. So if I seem partial to Raven, well, it’s because I am. Or do you prefer to hear “PUPPIES!” in High C? Not that that doesn’t have its time and place.

Speaking of which… earlier tonight, Jazz and Jackie in a pull-apart. The champion comes out first because TRADITION BITES! Heat is brought to you by Honda, slim jim and Castol GTX. Raven needs to work on the promos a bit. “Need a little excitement? Snap into a slim jim.” comes out kinda funny when you sound like you’re on codeine.

Jackie comes out to a good pop. She’s obviously ready to wrestle, because she’s got a top on that doesn’t look like anything is going to pop out at any second. Rats. But The Immo digs the women’s wrestling… when it’s good. When it’s feeble, then I say just put ‘em in a giant gravy bowl instead. “Work with what you’ve got” is my motto.

Anyway, they waste no time going at it. Jackie slides in and tries a clothesline. Jazz ducks and hits a boot to the gut. Forearms to the back. Irish, clothesline, Jackie slides between the legs and connects with a boot to the gut. Big European uppercut. Dropkick to the button. Nice. Jazz rolls out. They talk about how Molly is not the Sweet Molly Pureheart of old. Jazz comes back in misses a clothesline, small package by Jackie. Kickout at two. Clothesline by Jazz. Double chicken wing submission by Jazz, but she gets bored and lets go.

R:  “That’d be a double chicken wing, Coach, and that rips the deltoids right out of their sockets.”

JC:  “Especially when you eat some mashed potatoes with that.”

BIG legdrop by Jazz. Two count only. Double underhook suplex by Jazz, who dusts her hands. Another double underhook suplex. Punch in the eye. Forearm to the back. Snap mare and a headlock. Coach brings up Tough Enough.

R:  “I just think they’re all just a bunch whiny cry-babies. I mean, it’s like none of these people have ever done anything hard in their lives. They’re all being pampered, they’re all crying like a bunch of schoolgirls with a skinned knee, Coach.”

Jackie fights back up, but Jazz takes control again and chops away. Irish to the corner. CHARGE… face first into the turnbuckle as Jackie moves. Textbook belly-to-back suplex! Spinning outside roundhouse right to the jaw! Two count only. Big chop by Jackie. Irish… but Jazz holds onto the rope and ducks out of the ring. She’s taking her belt and going home… but Jackie heads her off at the pass and chucks her back into the ring. Jackie is a brick house afire while the belt just sits there in the middle of the ring. Head to the turnbuckle… Jazz staggers out, sees the belt, and grabs it. She’s going to strike… but referee CHAD PATTEN grabs the belt and takes it to the corner to hand it off to somebody. Jackie goes to the top…  flying cross body! The cover! No, the stoopid ref is busy handing the belt off. Now here he comes. One… two… kickout. [BOO!] Jazz tries a clothesline, but Jackie ducks behind, runs her into the ropes, roll-up…  Jazz reverses, grabs a handful of tights… Hello. I’d say it’s about a quarter-moon out tonight. One… two… three. (3:49) Eh, no more cheek than any of those booty-call videos that MTV shows on those rare occasions when they, you know, play videos. Jackie is incredulous. And hot, too.

Next! Those whiny cry-babies get to go to a live show and sit up front. End of segment.

Solid women’s match. Not as good as Alundra Blayze and Bull Nakano when Madusa first came over, but entirely acceptable. Too bad we didn’t get to see them rap or tell jokes Hee-Haw style.

On the flipside, I guess the Laramie “Smoke of the Night” was Brock Lesnar going to town again. On TE2, one of the guys messes up he’s knee and has to bail, but they tell him there’s other ways to get to the WWF. There are? Do they involve… nope, Immo better not go there. The rest of them cut promos for Coach and Steve Lombardi. Most of them are quite timid. The big Tori look-alike is pretty good. Jake needs a little work. Hawk’s not bad, they play him up. He’s not as good as THE LIZARD was, though. He got jonesed, man.

R:  “To be honest, I remain suitably unimpressed by the majority; however, there are one or two that have earned a little respect from me.”

Next: Big Show and Goldust! Ust, made from finest gold!

I’ve been surprised whenever I see these recaps that the TE contestants are generally lousy at promos. They had to send in tapes, right? What did they send in, karaoke videos? High school graduations?

When we come back, it’s a look behind the scenes at The Scorpion King. Maybe if I watched less wrestling, I wouldn’t be so FRICKIN’ sick and tired of hearing about this FRICKIN’ movie. And they don’t even show Kelly Hu in this montage. DAMN!

Time for a Shattered Dreams production. Backlash, April 21^st from the Kemper Arena in Kansas City. Coach says he’s going back home. Oh, you’re from Kansas, eh? Just kidding. Raven points out that last year’s Backlash featured Rhyno v. Raven.

Wellll. Well it’s THE BIG SHOW. Yes, it’s The Big, Bad Show tonight, lawd. Raven calls him a “lumbering oaf bully” while Goldust attacks him before the bell outside the ring. Irish to the ringpost, reversed into a bearhug by Mr. Show, and he rams Goldust back-first into the pole. Show tosses Goldust like a 270-pound sack of… well, gold dust, back into the ring. Referee JACK DOAN calls for the bell to start the match as Show steps over the top rope. Goldust crotches Show on the rope and kicks away at the legs. Heel offence in the corner. Big ol’ eye rake. Punches of pleather. Irish out of the corner… can’t even budge the big man, who whips Goldust back into the same corner. GIANT biel throw. The commentators talk up the Austin situation, and how Flair will react to the lack of respect he got from Austin last week.

R:  “It’s not just Stone Cold Steve Austin. It’s the Undertaker, it’s the nWo. Ric Flair, I think, may have made some very poor drafting decisions… And if he was smart, he might have come to make some sort of trade arrangement with Mr. McMahon.”

Show charges at Goldust in the corner, but Goldie gets the boot up. So Show charges again, but Goldust moves out of the way and Show goes gut-first into the corner. Goldust jumps up on Show’s back and applies a sleeper hold. Show goes down to one knee!

JC:  “I think Goldust is actually getting to the psyche, cutting off the windpipe of The Big Show.”

R:  “It’s the carotid artery, Coach. What it does, is it sends blood to the brain. And when you cut off the pressure on the carotid artery, it puts the man to sleep.”

JC:  “You know, I gotta give it to you, you’re a lot more intelligent than I thought. I’m gonna be able to learn things from you. I can tell that already. I’m being serious.”

R:  “Coach, as a card-carrying member of MENSA with a 143 IQ, I think that would be obvious.”

Yeah, we keep those numbers in our heads. It’s like height and weight to us. Jack Doan lifts the arm once… twice… th… nope. Show is Showing up! Side slam! BIG head butt. Irish to the corner, clothesline. There go the straps! Big pop! HYOOOGE CHOKESLAM! He’s held him up there for a while, too. Free hand supports the buttocks. At least, that better be what’s going on. “Those aren’t two pillows…” (1:58) Short, sharp, squash. As it should be. But now that you’ve jobbed out Goldie three weeks in a row, what are you going to do with him? Put him in a program against Scott Hall, I say.

Show leaves victorious while Goldie sells the drama. RAW comes to you Monday from Phoenix! We out. End of show.

Good stuff! I get some yuks out of Tazz, but I can’t tell you how much more enjoyable it is to hear some, you know, commentary from the commentary table.

So, I’m off to the land where they don’t put eggs in the refrigerator and they sell used panties from vending machines. No, not Arkansas, I’m talking about Japan. Budokan Hall, Tokyo, 4/13 for the All-Japan PPV. Then I catch a Lions/Blue Wave game on the 14^th, then it’s off to Kyoto to go see some temples and stuff. I can’t wait. I’ve never been anywhere more exotic than, say, Edmonton.

The Immo leaves you in the capable hands of your Double-O Crew. Back For SD! on the 25^th.

SEE ya!

E-MAIL THE IMMOLATOR
BROWSE THE HEAT RECAP ARCHIVES

The Immolator, in his other so-called life, has to drag his bad self out of
bed at 3:30 in the morning to work the IT desk at CKNW, your Vancouver
Canucks station.

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