by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/SlashWrestling.com

I will go out on a big limb by picking Brock (defeating RVD) this year. Though King Booker T would be pretty fun.

TV PG LV entertainment open fireworks

Goldust vs Steven Richards (w/"I Miss You [Jazz Picture] Sweet Thing") T-Shirt - ahh, D'Lo's the special guest commentator still this week, but he doesn't get an entrance when he does it the second time. Goldust as Heat commentator's gotta be coming soon. D'Lo: "For the first time in months, there's one 100% owner of the WWE!" Actually, I'd think that was true for the first time, since all the family had a quarter slice before Flair got involved. Steve goes right after Goldust as he enters the ring, so I guess he's the heel here. Rights and rights and D'Lo stole Raven's gimmick of calling Raven "Wacko." Everyone's a little weirder out by the shirts. Now Goldust is punching. Whip, reversed, dropkick by Steven but Goldust has the ropes. Coach and D'Lo speculate that Goldust might have been right about HBK on Monday - well, you'd think they'd know. Slingshot into the ropes, Steven falls back into the knees. Running jumping butt bump one two no. Steven with an eye rake, right, corner whip, reversed, corner clothesline, signaling for the Round-Up (according to Coach) but Steven pushes him off before he can hit the bulldog. Steven hits a clothesline. Front facelock, RTC hand raise, suplex one two no. Knee to the back. Knee to the back. Stomp. Stomp. That's a weak camel clutch there Steven. Announcers talking about Molly and Trish. Sit down on the back. Sit down on the back. Hey, he's using Goldust's own strategy against him, that's it. And now he's feeling himself up like Goldust and it's even more disturbing. Sit down but Goldust turns over and Steven gets crotched. D'Lo says "he got hit on the south side" and I guess we know what part of Chicago he's not from. HA HA WHITE SOX SUCK. Exchange of rights, Goldust wins. Good for him. Whip, inverted atomic drop, clothesline, uno dos NO. Right, whip, powerslam. One two no. D'Lo says "Tomorrow night, I'm gonna be sitting there tuned into RAW" because even he knows there's no way he'll be on the show. Steven rudely interrupts D'Lo's spiel with the double leg takedown, feet on the corner ropes move, one two no. Whip, Goldust slides down to the mat and hits the Boss Man like uppercut. Setting up - Curtain Call. One two three. (3:38) Wait, weren't they not calling that the Curtain Call any more? But Coach was so hyped about calling it. I'm so confused but I'm gonna let it go.

Your announcers are you betta recognize D'Lo Brown and Jonathon (how come COLE did the Tough Enough reunion show and not ME) Coach. Coming up, Raven vs Jeff Hardy - what nutty thing will Jeff do next. Of course, the big news in the WWE is the change of ownership. D'Lo wonders what it all means. Coming up next, Shawn Stasiak vs Tommy Dreamer. Did Coach just say Shawn Stasiak is going for his first win? That's hideously inaccurate!  

Oh wow a new crappy get the F ad I was really looking forward to that.

You know what I learned watching bits and pieces of the Road Rules marathon? They all SUCK. Though now that I think about it, I wish I saw the (Season 2?) one with the Headbangers and the Boricuas. But I did not.

"Last Monday, Stone Cold Steve Austin walked out on World Wrestling Entertainment. Vince McMahon spoken candidly about Austin on Confidential last night." Here's some clips (chosen to make the WWE look sympathetic and Austin not so much - "This is not a publicity stunt...he spits in the face of everyone who ever supported him") - cfgb has a great transcript of all of this. (1:08) 

Shawn Stasiak (w/ads) vs Tommy Dreamer - "D'Lo, Vince McMahon getting straight to the point. Steve Austin is gone, make no mistake about it." "A sad for the WWE, but we'll survive." "Gotsa move on." I don't think they messed with his music this week. D'Lo and Coach both love Slim Jim. "Tommy Dreamer loves anything in his mouth." Tickets are still available for RAW. You know, I can think of nothing more that personifies ECW than a match between Shawn Stasiak and Tommy Dreamer. In fact, I think I shall start a chant about it. Hey, I bet Dreamer's back or shoulder will hurt, but he'll manage to recover to hit a DDT for the win. Someone told Stasiak he wasn't hamming it up enough, because he's working hard at it this week. KOTR picks later on! I guess I should've held off on my picks. D'Lo hears the voices too - "kick, punch, whip, off the ropes." HEY, Stasiak is hearing my play by play. And he keeps losing because I'm digressing instead of doing it! I suppose I should feel sorry about that. Dreamer with a beer spit. "I think the voices are telling Tommy Dreamer - 'Adult beverages are for after the match, not during it'" Stasiak's doing things here. "Physically, this man has no peers! He's a great in-ring tactician!" Whatever. Maybe Stasiak has the same problems as Tough Enough's Hawk. They could form a support group/tag team. Oh wow a bear hug. And more! Dreamer's back is hurt this match. We're grossed out by Dreamer biting his way out of it. Coach and D'Lo discuss Mike Tyson being done. Tommy pounds the mat to get the crowd to clap - after a while, they do. They're punching here. There's the DDT - only a two. He's doing the DVD this week? No, Dreamer's setting up for the piledriver! "This is banned in 18 states! You can't do this! It's banned!" "This is one of them!" Stasiak backdrops out of it. Wait, wait - here's the DVD. One two three. (4:54) I was only off by one letter, HA. Dreamer shakes D'Lo and Coach's hands for no particular reason - did he try to kiss Coach's hand? "Tommy, don't ever touch me again!" Coming up, Raven vs Jeff Hardy. But next, HBK talks.

HBK talks. I do not lie! (7:55) Still to come, Jeff Hardy vs Raven.

Snickers Brock Win of Monday. This highlight package makes it look like a total squash, I don't think I like it when they do that.

Here's the brackets - you can look at them on KOTR.com. 

Crash (red) is out for no reason, apparently. He's not scheduled for action. He's got another note, but this one is for D'Lo, who reads it. "Are you kidding me?" "C'mon D'Lo Brown, just look at you. You know, it's no secret that you've been trying to hold me back for the last 15 years! Now you're sitting in there, commentating, hiding, and I'll tell you what and I'll give you more than you got right now. Oh yeah!" Crash sounds weird this week. "Well Coach, I ain't sitting behind this desk long enough to forget how to kick some guy's ass." D'Lo gives Coach his watch to hold, and he's in the ring - no ref, but we'll let it go. Coach isn't sure the last time D'Lo wrestled in blue jeans and Sketchers. Crash with forearms, whip, reversed, D'Lo clothesline misses, but he hits a flapjack the next pass. Charles Robinson must've been having a conversation with Fink because he came here out of nowhere. Bodyslam, shaky shaky legdrop, one two no. Right right. Corner whip, charge in Crash's boot - out with the faceslam. Crash with the shaky shaky legdrop - no it's the skaky shaky stomp. Now he's going up - well, D'Lo was supposed to catch him but I guess we'll see he blocked the axhandle, then picked Crash up and dropped him with the Sudden Impact! One two three. (1:05) YES! The spin out side slam has a name! Play his music! I guess we won't be seeing the Low Down soon. D'Lo celebrates. Still to come, Raven vs Jeff Hardy. But next, highlights from the Ownership battle.

Last Monday highlights, with a Two Week Ago flashback here to Austin beating Flair. When Vince is  saying "Austin didn't have the balls to show up and tell you what he thought of you", Vince is really talking about himself, right? They don't show Heyman talking to Vince (and dropping Austin's name) before the match - they probably shouldn't have done that at all. I'm still not sure what story they're trying to tell with Arn - maybe tomorrow they'll figure it out? Interesting way of bleeping out Heyman. (2:42) Coming up next, Raven vs Jeff Hardy

Burger King Team Extreme attack on the Undertaker - hey, this clip makes it look like it was a total squash, I think I like it when they do that.

Raven (w/KOTR ads) vs Jeff Hardy (w/no one, but one week ago on Heat)- "Fate" is in black this week. Also a line (a "/" slash, ha) across his face. We can only wonder what that means (he couldn't find any white.) D'Lo loves Snickers. Even Coach doesn't know what Jeff said. D'Lo says he's going out a limb, picking the one guy we don't expect to win...the next big thing, Brock Lesnar. D'Lo's a smart man. I don't think Coach gets that D'Lo's being sarcastic. Lockup, Raven with a hiptoss. Circle. Lockup, bodyslam by Raven. Coach picks RVD - they got my final. Lockup, Jeff with a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, under a clothesline, inside cradle by Jeff for one two no. Jeff with a hiptoss. Slam. Going up stairs - but Raven catches him, up to join him, superplex is blocked, Raven is pushed off. Swanton? YES but no one's home. Raven on top of him and punching. There's the off the second rope driving knee into the the back of the head that Raven's taken a liking too. Right. Forearm. Forearm. Corner whip, charge in, clothesline to the back (Jeff forget to turn around), Raven turns him around and hits the bulldog. One two NO. Whip, head down too soon so Jeff kicks it. Jeff with another kick but it's caught, and there's a reverse enzurigi I think. Raven up and charging Jeff, but Jeff moves out of the way of corner, right, right, whip, running forearm. Jawbreaker, double legdrop, double low blow legdrop one two no. Off the ropes, another flying forearm by Jeff. Off the ropes again and this time Raven just pushes him by the floor. Jeff tries to come back and Raven is wafting for him - corner whip, rebound clothesline. Timing was a little off there. Raven's waiting for Jeff to get up - there's the Mr. Wrestling #2 Knee Lift to knock Jeff to the outside. Will Raven go out? No. Clothesline for Jeff as he comes back in, and Jeff is back out. Jeff grabs a microphone cord - and chokes Raven as Raven tries to bring him back in! Jeff stands on the top rope cranking the cord in, and Choida finnaly calls for the bell (DQ 4:16) Commentators talk as if Jeff's crossed a line with his antics - Raven's pushed to the mat, and Jeff's gonna get that Swanton in - no roll, all impact. Raven is out - I think I finnaly know where this is going and maybe that's why they didn't complain about Raven as much as usual.

Credits and we're out.

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The Cubs Fan has yet to file one of these goofy mini-bios.

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