by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/SlashWrestling.com

Dedication to Accuracy Department: Sofa's in Japan. Evil Jon did the WeeklyVisitor.com RAW report. I know NOTHING. 

TV PG LV entertainment (no Bischoff face) HHH/HBK relationship from Vengeance - wow, they're ever so subtle with Steph wearing white and Eric wearing black. (1:10) open fireworks. Your hosts are Coach and D'Lo 

Matt Hardy vs Steven Richards - D'Lo and Coach are in the new seats. D'Lo in the live shot: "Everything's changing for the better here!" Ha. Circle. Lockup. Matt forced in the corner. Right is blocked, Matt hits his own. Taunting Steven. Lockup, Armbar, twist, corner whip, charge, Matt pulls short when Steven kips up - ah, there's a right. I think Matt's keeping a running count on those punches. Steven charges out into an armdrag. Whip, clothesline misses, Matt with a hiptoss. Matt goes to follow up, but Steven leverages him out of the ring. Matt's up quick to the apron though - Steven's right is blocked, Matt hits one - turnbuckle smash. one two three four five six seven seven eight nine and a punch for ten. Moonsault bodyblock! One two NO. Steven with an eye poke, Matt charges but gets backdropped to the floor, really awkwardly. I think he tried to grab the top rope on the way over, but got his arm tied in the ropes, then fell and parts of his body hit the apron and the ground hard. He comes up holding his neck. Steven out, throwing Matt in, elbow to the neck, elbow to the neck, right to the neck, right to the neck, push into the ropes, knee to the back, neckbreaker! Hmm. One two no. Turnbuckle smash, forearm to the neck, forearm, forearm, right to the face. Right. Matt with a right. The last few weeks have shown to Coach that Stephanie's a completely changed person. Matt fights back with a right, but Steven with a knee. Snap mare. STUMP PULLER! Well not really - Steven has Matt's legs tied into a figure four and is pulling back on the straight one - but that's close enough. Announcers are confused. Steven gets forearmed, and switches to a chinlock. Matt elbows out - back suplex into an elbow driver - that's kinda a variation on the Eye of the Hurricane. One two no. Oh man, D'Lo says the same thing (except he says "belly to back" because it's easier to say those things than to type them) and then goes on to call Matt "the innovator of offense". GET WELL SOON KANYON. Steven up first - facelock, hand race pose, Matt with the suplex. Whip, Matt with the bulldog clothesline. Right right, discus right. Whip, backdrop. Quick grab of the neck and now - well, I have no idea what to call that either. We'll go with "sleeper hold reverse mat slam" even though that doesn't seem totally right. One two NO. Side effect - no Steven elbows out - SUPERKICK is caught, Side Effect hits - one two NO. Slam. Going up - second rope legdrop - but he takes to long and Steven crotches him - biel. Steven going to the second rope, yell, he didn't even try any move, just jumped into Matt's boot. Kick wham Twist- no shoved off into the corner. Steven in, Matt with a sunset flip out of the corner but Steven sits down and grabs the ropes for leverage - one two three. (5:03) Matt can't believe Steven got away with that - I'm kinda surprised he won.

Backstage, Terri asks Raven why he hasn't bothered to jump to SmackDown!, seeing as he's a free agent but not allowed back on RAW. "Listen, what leverage Terri? I only appear on one hour of WWE programming a week. My level of exposure isn't half of what it needs to be! And besides, how attractive of a free agent would I really make? And even so, do you really think they'll allow me on SmackDown!? They'd find some way to get me off of there! 'cause every time people see me, they say I'm a freak. They say I'm a degenerate. They say that I'm depraved. Well, labeling people is the product of narrow minded individuals. You see, I'm not depraved, [whisper] they are! I'm gonna say here on Heat with you, because if I can't be on RAW, I'm gonna take joy in turning Heat into my own personal playground." Lay off the sedatives! Next, Crash vs Raven, and later, Bradshaw defends his Hardcore Title against Johnny Stamboli.

JVC D'Lo gets squashed off RAW

The King Of Heat, Raven vs Crash (yellow) - D'Lo's not thrilled about those two guys or Eric. So who does D'Lo root for here? Crash climbs up the turnbuckles on the outside, climbs them back down on the inside, then jumps off the bottom rope. Lockup, Raven with a push in the corner, clean break. D'Lo talks about the Best of 8 match. Lockup, Raven push in the corner, clean break? No, Raven knee and rights. Whip, Crash with a spinning headscissors. Crash with a clothesline to take him out. Crash out - Raven thrown in. Crash charges the corner with a knee but Raven sidesteps and Crash hurts his knee. Raven clips the bad leg. Kick to the bad leg. Knee to the bad knee. Knee to the bad knee. Toehold. Elbow drop to the bad knee. Leg grapevine. Raven lets go, Crash pulls himself up on the corner, and Raven elevates the bad leg so he can hit knee lifts to it. Right. Corner whip - no, Crash can't make it because he's so hurt, and stumbles to the mat. Raven picks him up - small package one two NO. Clothesline takes Crash back down. One two no. Knee to the bad knee, spinning toehold! Standing leg grapevine - Crash's shoulders down, one two no. Raven goes for another spin and is booted away into the corner, inside cradle by Crash one two NO. Mr. Wrestling #2 knee lift one two no. Kick to the knee. Kick to the knee. Yelling at him to get up. Kicking him wouldn't seem to help but Raven does it anyway. Off the ropes, kneelift is caught and Crash hits a reverse neckbreaker. Raven walks right into a drop toe hold into the middle rope. Crash with a right, right, right, but a kneelift stops that. Into the corner but Crash fighting back. Raven charges into a boot, but Crash hurts himself in the process. Crash trying to climb up - oh my god it worked, Missile dropkick but he can't cover! Now he's over - one two no. Raven up, and into a back elbow, Oklahoma Roll, one two NO. Raven pulling him in for the Raven Effect, but Crash reverse out for a clothesline one two no. Crash Bulldog but he's pushed off, knee hurts, kick wham Raven Effect. One two three. (4:59) Coming up next, Degeneration X. 

You know, D'Lo was all thrilled about Degeneration X being back, which wouldn't seem to make any sense given his history with them - maybe he's fondly remembering his first European Championship run.

Back Together and Apart Again in (2:57) Still to come Bradshaw/Stamboli, but next Goldust/Credible

Stacker 2 Near Death Experiences of Monday.

Goldust vs Justin Credible - I wonder what Justin thinks of this DX mess. Circle. Goldust chant annoys Justin. Lockup, Goldust with a go behind and a leg trip. Justin argues this mess with Nick Patrick. Lockup, Goldust with a headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Off the ropes, over, Justin hiptoss blocked, Goldust with his own, armdrag, Justin with a hard slap to the face, taunt, turn around into a clothesline. Armdrag into an armbar. Knee drop into the arm. Up in the arm, knee lift, whip, reversed, jumping spin DDT! Yelling. Turnbuckle smash, kick, kick, kick, kick, right, calling Goldust out of the corner and kick him. Ripping at the face. Chinlock. Down to the mat. Goldust looks for the crowd help. This week's "Coach isn't Keepin' It Real" moment is Coach saying Eric is doing a good job. Goldust elbowing out, off the ropes, right misses, clothesline misses, Justin SUPERKICK does not miss. One two NO. Man, what happened to the superkick? Right to the head. Right. Goldust with a right back. Justin with a right. Goldust fighting back with hits own rights. Thrown in the corner, and Justin's crotched on the ringpost. Goldust fell to the mat on the throw - he's pounding it with his foot to try to get the crowd behind him. Goldust with a right, Justin with a right, Goldust with a right, Justin with a right, Goldust with rights, Justin runs into a clothesline. Somehow, Coach and D'Lo have wandered into talking about how the Bears will do this season. Whip, inverted atomic drop, clothesline. Right.  Whip, reversed, head down too soon so he get a thrust uppercut. Hiplock takeover. D'Lo: "I haven't seen that move in 20 years!" "20 years? You're only 26!" Curtain Call - no, Justin with the forearm uppercuts to escape. Off the ropes, into a powerslam one two three. (4:24) Not only is Goldust using a (normal) powerslam as a finisher, but it's got a name - "the Director's Cut." Notice the use of commas. Coming up - Bradshaw/Stamboli. But next, talent swapping.

Minus Brock, Plus who? (5:35) Next, Bradshaw/Stamboli!

Bradshaw (c, w/cowbell) vs Johnny "the Bull" Stamboli (w/2 Week Ago) for the WWE Hardcore Championship - the Bull insignia has been removed from his tights - guess they don't want you getting him confused with the Rock. Johnny has the generic music but you can actually see the Italian Flag in this week's video. We miss most of it watching the video. Lockup, Bradshaw push in the corner, break, kick, turnbuckle smash, Bradshaw with a right, chop, headlock, off the ropes, shoulderblock by Bradshaw. Armbar, Johnny with an eye poke, knee, off the ropes, knee lift. One two no. Forearm. Suplex. One two no. Right. Corner whip, charge in, Bradshaw moves out of the way, off the ropes, clothesline from Hell to the back of Johnny's head, yay it's over. Aw no, he's rolling out. Coach doesn't think Jericho or the Anti-Americans could've made it to the limo in time on Smackdown. Bradshaw hitting Johnny with the stairs. Bradshaw looking under the ring and finding a - canoe paddle? Paddle shots. It's like the Joust on American Gladiators, if the other one doesn't get a stick. Big boot. Thrown back in. Looking under for more - Bradshaw finds a life preserve, so he puts it on. A canoe? What is a canoe even doing there? Canoe, kayak (they correct me), whatever. Kayak to Johnny's face. Trash can and another life preserver in. Tire thrown in. Trash can thrown in. Something else I missed. Another tire is thrown up the ramp. In - lid to Johnny. Coach is laughing at the insanity. Bradshaw grabs the canoe, then sets it up - Johnny with a can to the head. Can to the head. Can to the head. Cover one two no. Choke on the rope. Right, right, right, one two no. Off the ropes lid shot. DDT - one the lid? Maybe. Probably not. One two no. Johnny going up on the canoe corner - lid to the head by Bradshaw. Lid to the head again. Bradshaw tries a superplex off the canoe (which is in between the bottom and top rope), and a camera cut masks that they probably had to try it twice - he's clearly not on the canoe in the camera we cut too, as the kayak is halfway out of the ring. Going for the cowbell - cowbell to the head. Lasso - tying the legs. "That's a great movie, by the way - 8 Seconds. Luke Perry, tremendous." Jason Priestly finished 13th (of 16th) on the IPS circuit this weekend, but I don't see why you'd care. Speaking of things you probably don't care about, Bradshaw ties Johnny's legs, puts a trash can on his head, and then hits the Clothesline From Hell again - that's one two three. (5:03)

Who's the newest member of RAW? Watch Monday to find out!

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