by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/SlashWrestling.com

One Year Ago, in the midst of SummerSlam hype, Torrie, Stacy and Ivory attacked Lita backstage, "injuring" her leg. That's supposed to prevent her from showing up for a handicap match between the Alliance girls, Jackie and Lita. She almost misses out on an awful match (with Molly showing up to help Jackie and make us wonder why she wasn't part of the match to start with), but comes out to help the WWF side get the win. After the match, Paul steps over all of Ivory's lines and pulls the microphone away at odd points while supposedly interviewing her to set up a match on RAW, and JR blows off the whole thing in a matter of seconds. Truly, the zenith of Heat free matches. Personally, I start doing this "X Year Ago" gimmick, which means now I can start to just pull the old ones out.

TV PG LV Entertainment Open Fireworks

you betta recognize D'Lo Brown is headed right to the ring - well, he'll point to Coach first. Your announcers this week are Coach and special guest replacement is Crash Hates Lord Of The Rings. SummerSlam is can't miss! The best ever! D'Lo's sure nice to let Crash finish his hyping before he starts talking. "Raven, two week ago you came out here and you said Heat was your personal playground. Well, I had problem with that, so your punkass got dealt with! Now, last week, I challenged you to a match, you come out hobbling down on crutches, talking about 'oh, I can't wrestle, because my ankle's hurt.' So instead, you send out Johnny Stamboli. Next thing I know, crutch upside my head, Stamboli gets the one two three. Now Raven tonight, what I'd like for you to do - no no no, what I NEED for you to do, is walk your ass down that ramp, get in this ring, and I'll make you recognize just WHO THE HELL I AM!" Ask and you shall receive - it's King Raven - no crutches, but he found his coat this week. "D'Lo Brown, you degenerate reprobate, I accept your challenge. [takes off his coat] But not tonight! Understand that Heat is my personal playground and I will not let anyone dictate terms to me! But you will have an opponent, because there's a ton of people back in the locker room, who would love to make an impact on Eric Bischoff and show some Ruthless Aggression. So tonight, your opponent is not just the coolest, he's not just the best, he's Justin Credible." 

you better recognize D'Lo Brown vs Justin Credible (w/King Raven) - Raven's got big black face paint scratch line on his face this week. Circle - D'Lo's quickly distracted by Raven but turns around in time to block the punch - right, right, whip, jumping side kick, clothesline. Justin retreats to the corner, kick, corner whip, charge in to eat boots, Justin charges out into a flapjack one two no. Whip, reversed, clothesline ducked, SUPERKICK. Justin does not cover. Stomp. Right. Turnbuckle smash. Corner chop. Corner chop. Right. Whip, back elbow. Cover one two no. Chinlock by D'Lo. D'Lo elbows out but gets a right. Whip, reversed, Justin with a sunset flip but D'Lo rolls though (kinda) and dropkicks Justin in the face. Raven pounds the mat to get Justin up - "D'Lo" chant upsets Raven. Justin with a right, right, knee, right misses and D'Lo with the Sudden Impact. Crash kinda remembers that he doesn't like D'Lo - at any rate, he's taking Raven's side here. Crowd: "Raven [inhales]" D'Lo gets the better of the punches, whip, backdrop. Back Elbow. Yell. Justin up with a knee, right, corner whip, reversed and Justin slides and gets crotched on the corner buckle. Justin up and stumbling into a slam. Shaky shaky legdrop. One two NO. D'Lo can't believe it. Right. Corner whip, reversed, Justin charges in, D'Lo kips out and calls him on - Sky Hi one two three. (3:37) D'Lo turns to celebrate - kick wham Raven Effect! Crash doesn't agree with that, but Raven's pretty cool with that turn of events. Tune in next week when Raven comes down with the flu and D'Lo fights Steven Richards (or, the RAW announcers who don't watch this show ignore the match to hype SummerSlam.) 

If I Ignore the Virgin Cell commercials, will they go away?

Moments ago, Raven Effect. Coach is sure this is far from over - well, yea, Raven agreed for the match next week.

Shawn Michaels highlight package - odd that they have him talking like a heel in so much of this, but then I guess you couldn't do a HBK package without that. (1:55) Here's the graphic - Shawn could use a new one.

SummerSlam lineup (1:39)

Coming up - Bradshaw vs Shawn Stasiak, but next, William Regal vs Shelton Benjamin.

Lugz Pantsing of Monday

William Regal vs Shelton Benjamin - Circle. Coach talks about so many matches we've never seen before - kinda. The main event and the tag team title match sure, but I've got the feeling we've seen Test/Undertaker and everything else at some point. Lockup, Shelton gets Regal into the corner - break? eventually, yes, a clean one. Lockup, Regal with an armbar, and Coach blows my mind by suggesting that we've never seen HBK/HHH before. Maybe he hasn't seen it, but there was that famous Euro Title "match" that someone should tell him about, and one way back when Hunter was still Hunter and Shawn was world champion (05/13/96 but the HTML is messed up - and how did I remember that seeing as I wasn't watching then? Dubious.) Meanwhile, Shelton spins out of the armbar and gives Regal an armdrag. Lockup again, and this time Regal with a shoulder bar (I guess) - Shelton tires to get the ropes, but gets taken down to the mat. Now Shelton countering with a front facelock but Regal cranks the shoulder to get free. Headscissors finally does it. Shelton is pumped now so Regal will take his time. Lockup, no Regal with a waistlock, holding in snap mare position, Shelton armdrags out. Regal gives Shelton props for his chain wrestling - he wants a handshake. Shelton looks at him, steps forward and pulls him into a headlock. Regal shoots him into the rope, Shelton comes back, Regal's hiptoss is blocked, Shelton's hiptoss is blocked, armbar, Regal with a kick, kick again but that's caught - dragon screw leg whip! Right, right, kick kick, corner whip, Regal rebounds out out into a backdrop one to no. Chinlock with knee in the back by Shelton. Now smashing the back of his head into the mat - and again. Right. Corner whip, reversed, into well we'll try a whip. Back elbow. European uppercut. European uppercut, European uppercut. Crash: "I'm almost as excited to see Fozzy as I am to see Shawn Stasiak later!" Regal with a hard forearm. Forearm. Corner whip, reversed Shelton charges into a boot, Regal with an inside cradle one two no. Regal with a SUPERKICK one two NO! I don't know how Shawn can do well in this day and age where SUPERKICKs are merely above average. Shelton back to the chinlock, but Regal elbows out, rights, whip, reversed into a short knee - Russian legsweep one two no. Gutwrench suplex! One two no. Regal goes for a double leg takedown but Shelton blocks, backslide one tow no. Regal with a clothesline to stop this run. Coach: "I wonder if Jack Doan's right arm is getting tired." Crash: "I'm sure Jack Doan's arm gets a good workout in his spare time." Regal goes for the Wraparound Neckbreaker but Shelton ducks it, Regal with a sunset flip but Shelton rolls through - I think he's jumping forward for to a jacknife cradle, but it's tough to tell because it doesn't look clean, and Regal immediately reveres to a small package - Doan starts counting before Shelton's shoulders are down one [now they are] two three. (4:44) Shelton can't believe that was three and he may have a point. Regal is supposedly surprised by how much Shelton gave him.

Backstage, Raven's packed up and leaving, but Terri catches up to him. "Raven, Raven! Before you leave, I want to give your thoughts on what you pulled with D'Lo Brown tonight." "D'Lo Brown was once again the victim of the rules of Raven's playground. I almost feel sorry for Justin, but in chess, pawns must be sacrificed. But let me assure D'Lo Brown that the games are not over, and let me introduce him to the Clockwork Orange ride in Raven's House Of Fun."

Still to come, Bradshaw vs Shawn Stasiak. But next, highlights from RAW.

Global Warning Tour (:57) I guess they're showing it because RAW guys were there?

The opening interview. (6:31) Rock vs Triple H tomorrow! And we'll take a break before we show you that eight man match highlights.

In case you forget the important parts of that last highlight package, here's a quick look at it again - and here we go into the match, starting with Booker battling out of Triple H's headlock. (3:54) Coach at least amends to "biggest 8-man tag in recent RAW history", which would seem to be a safer bet.

Foot Locker Turn (Version 1) of Monday

Bradshaw vs Shawn Stasiak - Crash couldn't believe Matt turned on his own brother - that means he was the only one. Nice of them to give me the main event off. Coach and Crash are in run thru the card mode before the match even starts. "Folks, can someone get Shawn Stasiak a flashlight?" "Why?" "Because he looks lost out there!" While I've got time here, I should say that Crash's high pitched voice can get annoying, and he didn't really add much early, but he's not worse than Jackie. Not as good as D'Lo either, though. Crash: "Stasiak's setting him up for the Ratings Drop! His new finisher, the Ratings Drop!" You know it'd be funny if they were admitting he sucks, if they weren't still running him out there every week. They've really turned up the microphones this week or the crowd absolutely despises sleepers for reasons I don't understand. Finnaly, Clothesline from Hell and we're done. (4:13) Here's a replay. Bradshaw makes "I want the belt" motions before the replay, and "I like to drink lots and lots of beer" motions after the replay.

That's it.

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The Cubs Fan watches way too much watching television - you can read more
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