by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/SlashWrestling.com

Your hosts are Lita and Coach - Lita makes a very lame "virgin [at hosting PPVs]" joke. Tonight, HITC - Brock vs Undertaker - look at the crappy joke they did of superimposing a cast on Undertaker's hand. The thing with Jericho and the belt last month looked slightly worse, but it's still grating. Triple H vs Kane. They managed to have Kane with just the IC Belt - maybe that's from the week where he just had one. Rey/Edge vs Angle/Benoit for the WWE Tag Team Titles. Let's see how we got there. (2:26) This all due to the greatness that is Stephanie. 

Later - Salvia! And other stuff.

Paul Heyman, sitting in a dark room and talking off camera to Mr. Invisible Interviewer. "As Brock Lesnar's agent, Hell In the Cell scares me to death. I don't know the words to convey the fears I have. I mean, Hell In the Cell ends people's careers and it shortens people's lives. You talk about Shawn Michaels, you talk about Mick Foley - there's a referee here named Tim White; he hasn't refereed a match since he was in Hell in the Cell. Nobody comes out of that cell the same man that they were when they walked in, not the champion, not the challenger, not the agent, not the referee, nobody. This is the most dangerous match in WWE. It's not even human, and as Brock Lesnar's agent, I can tell you, that when Brock retains the WWE Title, I know he's coming out a different man tonight. And that bothers me. This match is going to change everybody's life, and none of them for the better. None of them."

Ominous look at the cage #2. Lita and Coach segue into TE chat. And video. (2:18) 

Moving on - the World Tag Team titles are on the line: Booker/Goldust vs Jericho/Christian. RVD/Flair. Brock/Undertaker. Let's go back to Five months ago - Tim White hurts his shoulder in a huge bump to the cage and hasn't refereed since.

Tim White (Head Referee) - "Paul Heyman's right. Hell in The Cell. Just saying that is a nightmare. This match - after twenty years, may have taken my career away forever. I don't like to think about. I don't want - I hate the fact that we're even having this match, because there's no winner, there's only a survivor. And if you survive, your life will never be the same anyway. It's brutal, it's vicious, it may have ended [pause] what I love to do, and that's be a referee in this industry. This match - I just pray for the guys in it this tonight. And I hope for myself, that my shoulder heals - it may or may not, it's coming along, I think. But don't ever put me in that cell again. Ever."

PS2 Trish/Victoria Brawl of Last Monday - listen to them edit out Lawler.

That's tonight. Yep. Also Kane vs Triple - the IC title is dead after tonight. (2:35) Lita loses her train of thought talking about this, but does manage to bring up Kane beating Triple H for his first IC Title last year.

This is Saliva. They'll talk later.

Back at the World, this is Saliva. They hype their CD, but they didn't pay me for this ad. Blah blah blahing about Jericho and Jericho's song. And here's hype for the song. "man" is said about fifty times. Video goes (3:47) and I think I timed it just out of habit. It's the theme song for Survivor Series, so you'll be sick of it by then.

Undertaker's turn: "They say that I'm the master of the Hell in The Cell. They say it's my match. And I don't know if that's a compliment, or a curse. See, it's not a pleasurable thing, to be enclosed in a cage who's trying to do bodily harm off the chart. And believe me, this match will be off the chart. When people think of violence, chaos, this is what they think of - they think of Hell in The Cell. And I'm the master of this. I guess I was the master when I took years of Shawn Michaels life, when I shorted Mick Foley's career by at least ten years. But what have I done to myself? And what will I have to do tonight? Take Brock Lesnar out. Two men enter, only one man can come out. Who's really the winner in that?" I'm guessing the guy who comes out, Taker. 

Hey, so are we supposed to dislike Stephanie for forcing them into such a match? That's what I thought.

Hey, so aren't we supposed to dislike Eric for blatantly risking the health of his wrestlers in dangerous situations? Depends if they remember that week from week (and aren't too busy parsing him.)

TEN YEARS. I dunno.

The Ring tragic trio breakup of 3 Days Ago

Jamie Noble vs Tajiri for the Cruiserweight Title (defense 7!) has been added to the card. What is the crowd reacting so loudly to? They're annoyed about something. Dawn vs Torrie too. Kane vs Triple H - video package for that (2:33) Coming up later, a look at the cage.

Brock Lesnar (WWE Champion): "Coming into this match tonight, Hell in the Cell. Some might ask me if I'm a little nervous. [bored, monotone sounding voice] Not at all. I'm excited. I'm really excited. You know why? Because Brock Lesnar can enter the Hell in the Cell and beat Undertaker at his own game. I can beat him in his own backyard, which is the Hell in the Cell. Undertaker has come - came out of the Cell as a winner. He might be the champion of Hell in The Cell, but I know one thing tonight - he's not coming in the champion. He's not leaving the champion. And he's not coming in at 100% - Undertaker's coming into this match with a broken hand, with a cast on his hand. And I know the damage he could do with his cast, but just like in previous years, I'm in a NCAA Champion, and I'm an WWE Champion. I've always risen to the challenge. And tonight, it'll be unlike any other night before. I'm gonna walk away Hell in the Cell Champion, and WWE Champion."

the Hurricane vs Steven Richards - your announcers are now JR and the King. Hurricane wants to get at Steven for last week's cheating win, but the referee holds him back. Steven mocks Hurricane.  Steven throws his shirt in Hurricane's face and attacks him while he's getting it off. Whip, head down too soon, Hurricane with a sunset flip, Steven punches him, poses, Hurricane finishes the sunset one two no. Right, whip, reversed, into a back suplex. Kick to the back of the head, kick to the back of the head. Front facelock, celebratory suplex hits. One two no. Knee drop, knee drop. Knee to the back, surfboard. Crowd gets behind Hurricane, but earlier than he's ready to get out. He build them back up, though, up to his feet, turning it around, Steven with aback suplex, Hurricane lands behind, jumping neckbreaker. King: "You'll never see that on the Weather Channel!" Whip, Steven with a right. Steven off the ropes and into Hurricane's jumping clothesline. Corner whip, reversed, Steven charges into a back elbow. King thinks he sees Bill Clinton. Hurricane to the second rope - Overcast. Eye of the Hurricane - no he's pushed into the ropes, Hurricane holds the ropes, turns around - shining wizard one two no. JR's still calling him "Helms". Goozle - but Steven knees out. Slam, Hurricane goes behind, Hurricane misses a clothesline, STEVENKICK one two NO! Back to it not working. Hurricane set on the top rope, right, superplex - no, pushed off. Hurricane steps off the ropes, grabs Steven from behind - hey, Vertebreaker. One two three. (3:06) Someone must've told JR what it was called because he actually calls him - or something very similar (as if he was just told it over the headphones and is repeating it as best he can.) 

Undertaker/Brock video package (3:41) 

Cole: "Ladies and Gentleman, we are moments away from Hell!" Well it's not gonna be that bad, I hope. Tazz and Cole stand in the ring as the cage lowers around them, with some final hype. Do you know any forgiving steel? Can I meet it? I feel like I'm missing out. This is Undertaker's fifth HiTC match, though JR said a few minutes ago that there's only been five HiTC cages matches. HHH/Jericho, UT/Mankind, UT/HBK, Armageddon, UT/Boss Man - what am I forgetting? Maybe JR's counting that UT/Mankind HiTC on RAW match that never really got going and Cole's not. I don't think I really care.

That's it.

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The Cubs Fan watches way too much watching television - you can read more
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