by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/TheCubsFan.com 

TV PG DV CC open. No WWE open?

Live - Phoenix, AZ - and it's hot out there. It's the America West Arena, and the doors have just opened. Hey, in the smartest move they've made in months, Coach and Al are sitting on a platform, surrounded by the crowd outside. Much better than showing off an empty arena that's never really full by bell time. Unfortunately for our hosts, they picked a less than hospitable day to do it - a handy thermostat on the side of the desk has the temperate of 120! By the number of times Coach has said it's hot already, I think they're feeling it. Hype starts with the Elimination Chamber match - Al actually goes over the rules! Al makes it sound like you can only be eliminated after everyone's in. "The only second time ever", well okay Coach. Eric and Shane. Brock and Angle. Kane and RVD. Video package for that to start.

This is a great video package to me for all the wrong reasons. The trademark twinkling music foreshadowing the evil tones of bended music. The reused little girl footage. They'll be old ladies before they stop using it. RVD saying "I hope you don't hate me" five million times. The stock opera chorus for the chokeslam and fight with Shane, collisions timed with the cymbal crashes. It's like the WWE Video Package greatest hits. Kane is no La Parka. You know why Kane had such problems lighting the match? He's used to using his magic powers to light people on fire. (3:19) Al conducts a crowd noise poll. The crowd is divided but united in their quest to be on TV. I think the best thing about Rosie's new gimmick is that fans can take in signs with some improper language, like one guy shows off on TV here.

Tonight: Holy Crap! Rey Mysterio defends his Cruiserweight Title! (Against Shannon Moore.)

RAW Live
Monday - Tucson, AZ [RAW]
Friday - Memphis, TN
Saturday - Hattiesburg, MS
Next Sunday - Biloxi, MS
Next Monday - Lafayette, LO [RAW]

Coach's voice is echoing through the sponsors.

Hey, look, it's a rounded cage. And we're outside. Actually, it looks ONLY 112! So never mind. Neither Coach or Al have water on the desk. Hype goes to Shane and Eric.

Back to RAW, where Eric makes a home visit. You'd think Linda would have a bodyguard of some sort. Hey, does everyone have a HP DeskJet 6P? It's good stuff. (2:28) Al and Coach talk about how evil Eric is.

Moments Ago, Shane McMahon arrived. He's walking with a purpose! Lillian gets blown off trying for an interview. Talk to the hand.

Lugz A-Train and Stephanie from Two Week Ago. Why, this appears to be SmackDown footage on a Raw show! I'd never.

This leads to A-Train and Undertaker hype. And into Jimmy Kimmel stuff. (1:06) Coach doesn't think there's going to be any pillows involved in the A-Train match tonight. What, no Stephanie? Coach: "But speaking of cushy, it's very cushy inside the America West Arena." Al: "Very cushy." Coach: "It's a balmy 68 degrees inside-" Cut to Cole and Tazz enjoying mixed drinks (the ones with the umbrellas in 'em!) at their announce desk - that's AWESOME. Cole: "What a shock, we're drinking." Coach hands it over to Cole as the two sides exchange banter. Al: "It's kinda funny, two guys who have heat aren't in the heat." Tazz: "What the hell was that for?"

Moving back to seriousness, Cole and Tazz start the SmackDown push - Angle/Lesnar. Tazz remembers this match happened at WrestleMania. Video package - this one I just skipped through instead of looking for the humor. (4:00) Clips of the match with Zach later.

Still to come: Rey Mysterio vs Shannon Moore for the Cruiserweight Title

Back to Al and Coach to hype the Elimination Chamber. Al thinks Shawn Michaels has the edge, having won that one. Also, Dudleyz vs La Resistance - are they using the accent now? It's about patriotism! It's about the American Way! oh no interview

Terri talks to the Dudleyz. Bubba has a flag. Terri has a large rose on her jacket. How are they feeling? D-Von: "Terri, tonight, is me and Bubba's personal D-Day. That is, 3-D. For two weeks, La Resistance has left us laid. For two weeks, they sat there and laid the American Flags and as much and spit on the flag. It's not going to happen anymore, Terri. Because tonight, the Dudleyz are going to get their revenge. We're going do what we do best, and that means smashing skulls and beating the hell out of someone. And if that means laying French bread all over US soil, then so be it, because tonight we're coming here for one thing and one thing, and that's to regain those Tag Team Champions, oh my sister, testify!" Bubba did nothing but unwind the flag - was Terri going to ask him when we cut away?

SummerSlam video

• Kevin Nash (with new do) vs Chris Jericho vs Triple H (c) vs Shawn Michaels vs Goldberg vs Randy Orton for the World Championship
• Zach Gowen vs Matt Hardy
• Shane McMahon vs Eric Bischoff
• Chris Benoit vs Eddie Guerrero (c) vs Tajiri vs Rhyno for the US Title
• Kane vs Rob Van Dam
• Undertaker vs A-Train
• Dudley Boyz vs La Résistance (c) for the World Tag Team Titles.
• Brock Lesnar vs Kurt Angle (c) for the WWE Title

You know, I usually get in the songs they use of these. Even the crappy songs that I regret months later. St. Anger is in a class of it's own.

Back to Cole and Tazz. They warn us the Brock/Zach footage isn't for sensitive people. Hiding when you're going for the blade is a lost art. Black and white for the blood? Nah. Brock doesn't appear to be headbutting his hand. Hahaha he smiled. Okay now this is getting old. That kinda of blood loss seems not good for you. (4:03)

Live Cole concurs with Taped Cole's comments. Zach's out indefinitely (broken leg in two places), so both of his match them think tonight's match, but they seem to lack confirmation. Only one man can solve this problem - and he is Matt Hardy (Version One). Matt Facts: Matt opponents often no-show because of fear. Matt has the memory of an elephant. I was attempting to get me doing the V1 handsignal on G4TV's camera's yesterday, but I'm pretty sure I didn't make it. Does Matt have Jimmy Korderas following him out here? I think he has something to say. Not Jimmy. "Zach Attack, where are ya? I know everyone's wondering if Zach Gowen's going to be here tonight, because of his 'minor injuries' he suffered at the hands of Brock - whatever. Last Thursday on SmackDown, I hurt my neck, but Matt Hardy is still here, Mattitude is still here! Zach, I know you're missing one leg, and the other one is broken, but you still got two perfectly good arms! And I'm sure, between both of our injuries, we could have a very great, competitive, entertaining matchup. But that's not going to happen, is it Zach? You're not going allow that to happen, because every thing I've said about you for the last few weeks has been absolutely true! Zach Gowen doesn't belong in the W-W-E! You see real wrestlers compete whether they're hurt or they're not, but I guess not Zach, the Novelty Act. God, I hate winning by forfeit, but go ahead and do your thing, ref, go ahead and makes this happen." Korderas signals to the timekeeper, who rings the bell. Chimel makes the announcement - Matt doesn't want Korderas raising his arm, because he can do it himself. DOUBLE V1! Cole thinks this embarrassment might be worse than being destroyed by Brock! Cole has had a little too much to drink, I guess.

Next: Rey Mysterio vs Shannon Moore for the Cruiserweight Title. I wonder if Shannon didn't come out now because he's actually getting an entrance later?

Next: Slamball! I wish the commercials and Cole would make up their minds.

JVC US Title Turmoil of Thursday.

Hype for the US Title match. First fall wins, no tags.

Rey Mysterio (San Diego, CA, 175 pounds, c, 1) vs Shannon Moore (Raleigh, NC, 209 pounds, 9) for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship - Did Rey lose ten pounds? Maybe Shannon stole them. LISTEN TO THE REACTION FOR SHANNON MOORE! Okay, maybe not. Shannon gets this title shot by losing to Kidman last night. Hey, I hope Kidman's ticked about that on Thursday, because that's an actual reason for a heel turn. Shannon has his new pants but no Matt - he could've just hung out here. Shannon's entrance seems a bit short, for reasons that make become apparent. Lockup, Shannon with a waistlock, forearm to the back. Shannon mocks Rey, and gets punched in the face many times. Whip, reversed, Rey bounces low, and into a boot. Back suplex, Rye lands on his feet, Rey with the spinning headscissors. Corner whip, Rey charges into a double boot. Rey charges again, and Shannon hiptosses him into the corner buckles! Shannon with right hands to the head, and now he actually hits the back suplex. Whip, reversed, sunset flip, Rey rolls through and hits a dropkick to the face. Rey to the apron. Shannon over but gets a shoulder. Rey going for it already? No, springboard Thesz press. No cover, whip, reversed, Shannon in charges in, Rey kips up and out, Shannon with a back elbow. Shannon goes to the top - HALO! One two NO! Shannon pounds the mat in frustration of having no finisher. Whip, Rey tries to slide under but Shannon catches him in a waistlock. Rey pushed into the ropes, Grabs the top and kips up for a headscissors, landing Shannon on the middle rope. Rey off the ropes, 619. Going to the top rope, almost slipping off the apron in the process. West Coast Pop has looked better and there’s the roll - Rey covers one two three. (2:02) We're in a hurry, you see. Rey gets his belt back, but grabs his head and then his hamstring. Rey poses and we get a replay of the 619, near trip and the WCP. Both Cole and Tazz agree it was a West Coast Pop.

We finish by going to the RAW Announcers - the King and JR. I wish JR would decide if HiTC or the Elimination Chamber was the evilest. Champion is the decided underdog. Why do they say it's ten tons? Is it going to fall on someone? (2:59)

Moments Ago, Evolution arrived. After that bit of hurrying, we're actually going off :25 early. Well, we could be close if they decided to show us how Triple H and associates interacted with those kids wanting autographs. Eh.

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The Cubs Fan watches way too much watching television - you can read more
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