by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/TheCubsFan.com 

Maven (Charlottesville, VA, 235 pounds) vs Static (223 pounds, already in the ring) – The announcers are in a loud mood in the voice over, but somber in the live shot. Your announcers Al and Coach, who are unhappy how their skit on Monday Night turned out. Static is some guy in white facepaint wearing a black singlet, some shinny black pants over that and a mesh shirt. Al and Coach talking about how they’re going to win does get boring (especially since we know how this is going to end.) Lockup, spin, spin, Maven pushed in the ropes, break, Static throws a right hand, Maven ducks under and back into the middle of the ring, Static kicks the middle rope (eh, almost) then turns around to take a drop toe hold. Announcers decide the key to Maven’s recent success has been Al’s training. Hiptoss, armdrag, armbar. Up, and twist. Crank. Crank. Coach says that Static is from Pittsburgh (Justin? Probably not) and was trained by Dusty Rhodes. Al gets lost in his Dusty impersonation. Static tries to armdrag out of the armbar, but Maven holds out. Coach starts talking about the superstar Static patterns himself after, and I’m looking at the facepaint and wondering if they’d say “Sting”, but it turns out to be Ricky Steamboat. Static up and forcing Maven into the ropes. Break, so Static can get in a knee. Forearm. Whip, Satic slide under, foot catch enziguri, cover – no, he’ll punch instead. Now he’ll cover one two no. Corner whip, charge in but no one’s home and Static runs in the corner shoulder first. Maven’s resting in another corner now, so Static charges that and runs into a boot. Maven tells him to c’mon – block, right, right, right, “get up!”, clothesline. Whip, back elbow, one two no. Whip, head down too soon, Static kicks it, Static off the ropes, into a wheel kick one two no. Maven tries to follow up, but takes a double chop to the throat. Static with a corner whip, charging into a back elbow. Maven wasting now time, to the second rope and hitting the second rope DDT one two three. (3:13) Maven grabs a good portion of the body on that; the opponent is going down to the mat, even if it’s not via DDT.

Tonight: Christian © vs Val Venis for the Intercontinental Title
Next: Phun with Photoshop

“Enemy” by Sevendust is Unforgiven’s Theme Song.

Speaking of Unforgiven, let’s bulletpoint

• Triple H © vs Goldberg for the World Title
  • If Goldberg loses, he must leave the WWE
  • If Triple H gets CO or DQ, Goldberg wins the title
• Shawn Michaels vs Randy Orton in a very rare “no extra stipulations match"
• All Three Dudleyz vs La Resistance and Rob Conway in a Tables Match
  • Coach says this is on “as of now”, but Spike has a sprained neck from Monday. He doesn’t think this match will happen.
• Scott Steiner vs Test (w/Stacy)
  • If Steiner wins, he gets Stacy back
  • If Test wins, Steiner works for him
• Shane McMahon vs Kane in a Last Man Standing Match
• Jim Ross and Jerry “the King” Lawler © vs Coach and Al Snow
  • Winner gets the RAW announcing spot.
  • If the champions lose, they will be fired by Eric.
    • And surely hired right back by Austin, but that’s beside the point.
  • Someone must’ve not liked the listing of “Ol’ JR”, because it’s now Jim Ross.
  • Al says they’ve been the team for seven years, which is true in a way but not the one it sounds like.

RAW: Chris Jericho shows funny photos of Chris Benoit. The best part was JR completely no selling the whole thing – none of this bugged him and he let us know, until it was the part of the skit where Coach said he doesn’t have guts. (4:11) Coach: “JR and the King are nothing but cowards, taking cheap shots at us.” ANYWAY, the Vegas line is 2,000:1 that Coach/Al won’t end up doing commentary this Monday before the end of the night – the only worthwhile bit will be if someone has Eric bring up nWo Nitro. Al hypes the last JR/King RAW ever Monday.

Later: Christian © vs Val Venis for the Intercontinental Title
Later: Triple H vs Goldberg, with partners.
Not the same later, I think.

You think this Rock guy might show up in time to promote his movie in person? Even more than the RAW X show, I wonder how they’ll react to him now (suggestion: he is far more awesome than most everything (the reminder he is only somewhat more awesome))

Soul Caliber II Beer Party Gone Horribly Wrong of Monday. Jericho was trying to do his impersonation of the Rock there, right?

Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak (532 pounds) vs Rude and Alan Steele (438 pounds, already in the ring) – Are Rude and Jokerface no longer in UAPW? One of the mysteries of life is how your local wrestlers end up in Alabama squash matches. It’s one of those you really aren’t that concerned about for more than five seconds, though. Al and Coach totally disagreed with the Stone Cold State of RAW address. Lockup, Steve with an eye rake, knee, corner whip, Rude gets some shots from outside as Nick Patrick watches and warning. Cade fighting both men to get out of the corner and not having much problem with it, ending with a dropkick on Alan. Tag to Jindrak. Corner whip by Garrison, Jindrak whipped into with a crossbody. Jindrak lands on the apron in the process, coming in with a sunset flip, but doesn’t bother to hold on to cover because he’s got to kip up to look cool. Rude in to help try a double clothesline – Mark ducks under and hits his own double clothesline one two no. Rude brought over so Mark can tag in Cade, double suplex one two no. Garrison with a jab, jab, whip, Garrison tries a dropkick but Alan’s grabbed Rude and Garrison comes up empty. Alan tagged in and working over Garrison with forearms. Al calls Garrison G-Unit again, starting a discussion about how hip Al is. Alan works over Garrison in the conrer till Rude gets a turn to do the same. Rude with punches, Alan back in, double whip, double back elbow. Alan stomps. Coach gives away that they’ve been working a double back elbow, but Al’s trying to keep all their double team moves under wraps. Garrison struggles in a front facelock, so Alan tags in Rude to help. Garrison beat down some more. Coach: “You know, you keep saying G-Unit like his tag team partner is 50 Cent.” Al: “He is? [No] I was gonna say, I thought [50 Cent] was black and small.” Rude with right hands. Garrison fighting back, and managing to take Rude down via legsweep. Tag to Alan as Cade crawls away – tag to Jindrak. Jindrak with a clothesline, clothesline, dropkick, dropkick. Elbow for Alan, clothesline for Rude, springboard clothesline for Alan. Right for Rude, yet another clothesline for Rude but this time it’s for Garrison. Their finisher has been changed to a powerbomb (as yelled by someone) lift into a dropkick/sitdown powerbomb combo. Jindrak covers one two three (3:23) Al thinks that should be called the Salad Shooter, but Coach ignored him to set up

RVD vs Kane (2:01) Hype for the Last Man Standing match – Al and Coach act like Kane has to be KOed, but didn’t Jericho win this same match over Kane by just trapping him under some large scenery? I think that might just be more likely to happen.

Later: Christian vs Val Venis for the IC Title
Next: Goldberg and ??? vs Triple H and ???

RAW Live
Monday – Columbia, SC [RAW]
Next Sunday – Hershey, PA [PPV]
Next Monday – Washington, DC [RAW]
Next Friday – Fargo, ND
Next Saturday – Bismark, ND

Coach and Al set up-

RAW Tag Team Main Event. This week, the blood makes us go black and white. It is a lot of blood, and I guess that’s the difference between TV14 (where Zach’s blade job was sort of shown in color) and TVPG (where it’s all black and white.) (6:08) World Title match at Unforgiven.

Terri talks to Val Venis and I don’t feel like transcribing. Val actually remembers that he and Terri were together at some point, and implies that they’ll have sex again if he wins. Also, apparently thing under his towel is hard, which I was dying to know. It’s slightly worrying when Val says Christian will be like his co-stars, but it was a metaphor I think, but after he said that other thing I dunno.

Lugz Trish takes a long hard trip to the floor last Monday

Christian (Toronto, ON, 225 pounds, c) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, Nevada, 224 pounds) for the Intercontinental Championship – It’s good that they do the Unforgiven ad during Val’s entrance, because he’s doing an awful lot of mugging on the way to the ring. Or maybe that happened the other way around. WM Tickets go on sale September 27th (but they’re probably already sold out.) You know, I was going try to get Cubs NLDS tickets, but my internet is down all weekend and the world hates me. Also maybe the other way around. Christian kisses his belt before he lets it go. Circle. Lockup, Val forces him into the corner, clean break? Val gives it, unhappily. Lockup, no Christina with a kick. Armbar. Crank. Twist, Val flipped on to his back. Val kip up, reversed, into a headlock. Val shot off (ew), back with a shoulderblock, one no. Val with a leg trip one two no. Christian’s punch is blocked, Val with a right, right, right, corner whip, reversed, Val gets in a back elbow, to the second rope, and right off with a cross body one two no. Val’s acting like he actually wants this title! Armbar, crank. Crank. Fans do not love the Christian (which means they’ll be on a list of some sort.) Hammerlock, Christian tries to back elbow out. Christian with a right, kick, right, yell at the crowd. Crowd does yell back. Whip, reversed, Christian slides under, yelling charge, Val gets out of the way and Christian ends up diving out of the ring. Christian turned over on his way down, and is acting more hurt emotionally than physically. Back in, shove for the smiling Val. Val pushes back. Christian declares he’s the Intercontinental champion and you don’t’ shove the Intercontinental champion – slap. Val checks himself, then takes down Christian by the head. Pounding the back of his head into the mat, then picking him up with a chop, another a chop, a third chop. Val runs Christian to the opposite ropes to give him a knee left, then back to the start for another kneelift, holding on for the Russian legsweep one two no. Val with right hands, and is warned to let go. That allows Christian to roll to the apron. Christian sneaks in a thumb to the eye, reverse jawbreaker over the top rope. Christian back in the ring and stomping. Choke on the middle rope. Reverse neckbreaker, taunt, cover one two no. Christian stands over Val and does the hip swivel pose – fans do not approve. Neither does Val – sunset flip one two no. Christian with a nice clothesline one two no. Christian likes to likes to do that double one hand clapping pose. Middle rope coke. Val taking time to give blow a kiss to his public. Off the ropes, second rope knee but no one’s home. Coach says we’ve got one last break – and we’re off to it. (4:29)

Val is punching Christian as we return. Whip, reversed, Val back with a jumping shoulderblock. Val with a clothesline, chop, whip, head down too soon, Christian kicks it. Christian with a clothesline, Val reverses into a half nelson release suplex one two NO. Christian begging off in the corner, double leg takedown on Val, Val kicks him away into the corner, Christian rebounds into a small package, one two NO. Val spinebuster, one two no. Val with the mounted punches one two three four five six seven eight nine - and Jack Doan pulls him off. Val gets an idea - let's go for the Money Shot. Going up, but Christina meets him, crotches him. Al: "Stopped him in mid stroke!" Rights. What's Christian going for here? Superplex? Blocked, Val punches out and pushes him off. Going for it again - Money Shot, but Christina has his knees up in plenty of time. Sleeper neckbreaker, one two NO! Christian can't believe it - he's almost throwing a tantrum. Arguing the count with Doan as Val gets up. Christian turns to charge into Val, but Val catches him with a back elbow. Christian falls backwards, taking out Jack down. Val with a back suplex into a powerbomb, but Doan is trying to get some sense back, now he sees - one two th-NO. Val can't believe it - he had him down for three, but Christina got some help. Christian trying to crawl out of the ring, but Val pulling him back by the leg. Christian begs off, Val misses the clothesline, Christian reveres into the Unprettier one two three. (7:12) He's still the Peep's Champ.

Last RAW before Unforgiven, last RAW for JR and the King? Monday.

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