by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/TheCubsFan.com 

TV PG DV CC entertainment open generic fireworks generic yelling. Coach says this is a "very special edition of Heat", which can only mean he'll learn the true meaning of the word "armdrag."

the Superfriends (565 pounds) vs Bobby Rude & Arch Kincaid (443 pounds, already in the ring) - These guys need a (non-imagined) tag team name already. Not Rude and Kincaid, although they're getting to Joey Matthews levels of appearances too. Due to popular e-mail demand (what's that address again?), your announcers are still Al and Coach. Due to unpopular demand, Coach is still trying to be a heel. Coach goes on a lame rant about Hurricane giving out his masks to kids (and kids liking it) just to prove the point. Al: "Coach, Coach, that should warm the cockles of your heart. It should bring back fond memories of when your parents did the same thing, just with a brown paper bag." Hurricane and Arch start and lockup, armbar, twist, into a upper wristlock. Into a headlock. Coach has a surprise later! I bet it's not "I'll call the match without acting like a moron." Wow, I'm mean early. Arch tries to break out, shot off, back with a shoulderblock. HURRIPOSE. Off the ropes, into a back elbow. Arch does the super hero pose. Al tells us that Arch is the "Sexual Intellectual", but if he really was smart, he'd have the thong on the inside of the pants instead of the outside. Whip, reversed, leaping lariat, Hurripose (2-1). Tag to Rosey? Sure. Hold for Rosey to kick. Armbar, twist, forearm to the elbow, whip, clothesline misses, Arch with a gut punch but that's a big gut, another and no budge. A forearm, still no, but Arch does get mocking claps from Rosey and Hurricane. Al: "The last place you want to hit Rosey is in the gut." "Why is that?" "Because you'd have to pick which one to hit." Arch tries a kick, caught, spun and clotheslined. Whip, Arch tries the shoulderblock but he's the one going down, Hurripose by Rosey, off the ropes, headbutt drop (to the shoulder) one two no. Arch with an eye gouge, giving him an opening to make the tag to Rude. Rude with a kick and punch to slow Rosey, double whip, double clothesline rolled under, Rosey with a double clothesline of his own. Tag to Hurricane, whip for Rude, top rope crossbody! one two NO. Right, right, whip, reversed, and Arch pulls down the middle rope taking Hurricane to the floor. Arch places innocent, then gives a derisive gesture from behind his back (I guess.) Hurricane thrown in for Rude to stomp. Elbow drop to the back. Kicks in the corner. Choke. Arch backs off so he can pose. Hurricane back up and coming after him, right, right, Rude stops that with a knee. Tag to Arch, double suplex! Arch covers one two no. Headbutts to the back? That's not quite Rayo, but getting there. I think Arch and Bobby are working the back - there could be a story there, given that last time we saw these two, Kane was dropping them on their backs hard, but Coach is trying the "Are the [WWE Talent] taking [locals] too easy and that's why they're in this?" bit. Tag to Rude, slam, off the ropes, knee drop. One two NO. Fighting for the kneeling surfboard. Got it in, but Rosey is trying to rally Hurricane and the crowd. Hurricane stands up out of it, turns, Rude keeps it turning and kicks the midsection. Whip, Hurricane back with a spinning DDT! Hurricane needs to make that tag. Crawling, crawling, tag to Rosey, tag to Arch . Rosey clothesline, right, whip, backdrop. I swear Coach just said "Hurricane, a great athlete for a three hundred pound man". Side slam for Rude, slam for Arch. Rosey looks to the crowd, does a plane flying around in a circle dance and legdrops Arch. Cover one two - Rude tries an elbow drop but Rosey moves out of the way and Arch takes it. Headbutt for Rude. Now back to Arch, corner whip, corner whip into Bobby, and Rosey runs them both over in the corner. Rude falls into position for Hurricane - Shining Wizard. Rosey lifts Arch up into the Fireman's carry, and Hurricane helps out - it's the Samoan Drop/neckbreaker combo one two three (6:40) Rosey needs to get a mask that he doesn't have to keep on adjusting.

Still to Come: Steven Richards vs Val Venis
Next: Tommy Dreamer vs Rico

That should totally be the semi-finals of a Heat title tournament.

Rico (already in the ring, w/Miss Jackie) vs Tommy Dreamer (Yonkers, NY, 252 pounds) - Someone needs to fix the sound mix so we can actually hear the announcers over the music. Circle. Lockup, Tommy headlock, Rico grabs the butt, we've done this match before, haven't we? Oh he's sitting on him suggestively. Oh hah ha he's offering to go on all fours for Tommy. Tommy is at least smart enough to kick him to the ribs, and when Rico does the jump in the arms spot, Dreamer flattens him with a back suplex. Rico brings back his nice corner kick combo. Suggestive cover. RICO SUCKS. Wow, Rico can actually hit a second rope axhandle! That's some talented guy. Groin choke. I'm just randomly picking moves to call because my interest level dives in Rico matches. Wow, Rico distracts and Jackie slips into deliver a flipping reverse neckbreaker! Rico only gets a two count, sadly. Rico tempts fate by trying a second axhandle in the match. This Sweeps "Watch Bottom Line/Afterburn" gimmick is a free party at a WWE Live event if you watch all four weeks during November. Al: "We're back to watching Marc Lloyd again? I mean, I love the show!" Al notes it's a good thing that Lloyd is in charge of clues this time. "That's like trying to find treasure without a map!" Tommy's in his comeback by the way. DVD is escaped, Rico with the Ultimo spinning heel kick to the midsection. Rico powerbomb? No, Tommy stand up out of it - Dreamer Driver! That's been a while. Announcers have no idea - well, Al might. One two Jackie pits Rico's foot on the ropes. Unfortunately, he's still half dead and Tommy has no problem DDTing Rico. Right in the middle of the ring, so Jackie runs in, but Dreamer turns around in time and Jackie's backing off. BIG KISS. The way he's bending her over, Dreamer almost had a pin by liplock. Dreamer turns around, Rico spinning heel kick one two three. (3:39) Coach: "Was it worth it? I say, YES."

Tonight: Val Venis vs Steven Richards
Next: Stone Cold gets a memo

oh god no: the official theme song of Survivor Series is "Build a Bridge" by Limp Bizkit, off Results May Vary (but they usually suck). Al LIES. Coach complains about Halle Barry.

Test, Stacy, Steve, Eric, Chris, Scott and I think that's it. (5:04) Guess which side Al and Coach are rooting for to win? Hint: Not Stone Cold's side.

Next: the Coach! Wait, I thought he was already here. 

RAW Live!
Monday - Fayetteville, NC [RAW]
Next Monday - Cleveland, OH [RAW]
Next Friday - Toronto, ON
Next Saturday - Springfield, MA

While I haven't been checking closely for the "Sunday Night Heat" logos (emphasis on the first word) where they shouldn't be, the RAW Live! bit completely throws me, because they say "Tomorrow Night" and mean Monday. Do they just reuse the same one for Bottom Line? Someone screwed up.

At the catering table, Rosey is about to enjoy a pastry, when a voice interrupts. Hurricane: "HALT! What is that? You think that's got anything to do with why you were stuck in that phone booth last Monday?" "Well, it's a protein donut." "A protein - give me that!" We're interrupted by a cell phone - oh wait, there's Stalker John Heidenrich attached to it. "What, no way, Hurricane, Rosey! Hey, my name is John Heidenrich, you guys are two of my favorite WWE superstars! My favorite duo! Man, I got ask a huge favor, could I get a picture of me, with you two guys, for little Johnny?" They agree, and John snaps the photo with the cell phone (oh that's why.) Hurricane: "What about little Johnny? He wants to take a picture?" "Well, he's a little camera shy, so...you'll have to forgive them. Sorry." John leaves and Hurricane imposes a no donut limit on Rosey - but perhaps Hurricane can have one.

Al: "Oh man I love donuts!" As Coach (w/book but presumably not The Book) enters the ring and gets a mic, Al notes a "Coach beat up my Dad" sign. "Yea, Coach beat up your dad, and then he took your mom someplace on a date." Fans do not give Coach a warm reception. Al: "The crowd loves him. Whattaman." Coach: "I'm pleased to announce that my boss Eric Bischoff has appointed me the official new book reviewer for the RAW Brand. With that in mind, I've decided that my first review is going to be my esteemed thoughts on the new book by my former broadcast colleague right here on Heat, the lovely Lita. Now this book is a fascinating read, and gives wonderful insight to Lita as a person, and Lita's personal journey right here to the WWE. But you see, this book is an absolute sham! [Al: What? Why am I not surprised.] Why? I'm glad you all asked, because every one of you and every body around the world knows it was me, the Coach, that was personally responsible for Lita's comeback here to the WWE! I know! If it wasn't for me encouraging Lita along the way, every time we broadcast Heat, there's no doubt in my mind that Lita would have quit a long time ago! Now this is a quality book, a great read, but for my money, but this book belongs in the fiction section. But with that being said-" Hey, Lita's here!  While she's walking to her terrible music, is Coach trying to get in his daily workout by wandering around the ring while he's talking here? Distracting. Lita gets her own mic. Coach isn't thrilled to see her, but she seems happy enough. 

Lita: "Coach, look, I appreciate you reviewing my book and all, but you do have a small point. You know, you're right, you are inspiring. When we worked along aside each other on Sunday Night Heat, you inspired me so deeply, so deeply, that I dropped the entire broadcasting deal altogether because you were such a pain in my ass to deal with!" 
Coach: "You know Lita, that's cute, that's real cure missy. [Advances threateningly. Well, for Coach.]"
Lita: "What's that?"
Coach: "I am six four, two hundred and thirty pounds, so if I were you, I'd watch what you'd say to me. So if you don't mind, your time is over, so just back it up and let me finish my bidness!"
Lita: "Coach, Coach, c'mon - me and you go WAY back, we've got a history. Let me apologize, just please let me-"
Coach: "Girlfriend, girlfriend, don't beg the Coach! But, if you want to apologize, I just this much [small] time for you, so go ahead."
Lita: "Okay, I'm ready - Coach, I'm so so sorry, and I really want to apologize you, but I don't know if words can express just how sorry I am, so [advances non-threateningly] look, how about I show you in a little more physical way just how sorry I am."
Coach: "Well, now that-" 
and Lita jump kicks him hard out of the ring! Al about dies laughing. Lita leaves the ring while making "I'm so sorry" motions.

Hey, the transition screen isn't working again.
Next: Goldberg wants a match.

SmackDown! Here Comes the Superkick of Last Monday.

Announce desk. Al is still laughing. Coach says he saw it coming, which makes him more of a moron.

Goldberg walking to the ring, Take 1. Then the bounty gets reposed. Back to the original owner. "You are the man." And the match. (5:45)

Next: Val Venis vs Steven Richards

A look back at Michael "Hawk" Hegstrand 

Y2J Kane Challenge of Last Monday

Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 238 pounds) vs Steven Richards (Philadelphia, PA, 230 pounds, w/Victoria) - Steven's doing his Val Venis impersonation! Victoria tries to sneak a peak under the towel! Hey, it's the shaking hand bits. Val is disturbed. There's the V point and the hip swivel (Victoria does it too!) and that'll get him kicked. Right, snap mare, punches to the head. Towel ripped off of Steven and stuffed in his mouth, ew. Coach says Val's been wanting to turn Victoria into a star of one of his movies for quite some time, which is news to me. Right. Kick. Kick. Kick. Boot choke. Coach will be in Val's next movie, according to Coach. Al: "I thought you were taking medicine for the delusions." Turnbuckle smash. Right. Val with a whip, back elbow. Steven begs off - "Noooo!" Val: "Yeaaaa!" Kick! Whip, running with knee lift, whip, running with kneelift, Russian Legsweep. Cover? No, more mounted punches. Steven Richard's trunks now say "GM" on the front of them, but he hasn't really done or talked about doing anything GM related in quite some time. Val with a right, whip, reversed, and Victoria trips up Val from outside. DDT! Steven takes his time following up - oh, Victoria tells Steven she loves him and gives him an idea. Steven's calling for it, and he's headed up. Steven Money Shot? No, Val crotches him, that's unfair. Al: "Victoria not happy. That's her favorite chew toy." Steven falls in the ring as Val falls back down. Val back up, clothesline, right, right, off the ropes, shoulderblock. Whip, reversed, Steven misses a short clothesline and takes the half nelson suplex one two NO. Steven trying to hide in Jack Doan's legs. Val moves Doan out of the way and gets kicked. Coach has made a point of noting that Booker is not officially on Austin's team - we don't know if Austin wants him there. SteeVeeTee? No, blocked, and Val out into the back suplex into a powerbomb, one two NO! Val with an elbow drop, elbow drop, elbow drop. Calling for it, going up, but Victoria is there to grab a leg. Coach says Victoria's "once again sticking her nose where it doesn't belong" and Al nearly cracks up. Steven over and punching, superplex is blocked, blocked, and pushed off. Money Shot - GETS KNEES! Steven could actually win this! Steven with the Edge-O-Matic! (Huh?) One two NO! Victoria rooting Steven on and telling him to go after Val - charge, and right into a boot. Victoria on the apron to argue something, as Val grabs Steven - there's the fisherman's suplex, but no one's home to count. Doan spots it out of the corner of his eye, one two NO! What the heck was Val doing with those ab flexes while holding the pin? Victoria yells at Steven to get up, but he's kinda dead. Val spots Victoria and gets some idea of his own. And apparently, now its' the "You outta be in one of my movies" one. Val approaches, and Victoria swings, misses, and hits Steven behind him! OH no! Spinebuster! What's he got left to use? INVERTED FIGURE FOUR! Steven needs help, but Victoria - is yelling at her fist for hitting Steven. Steven can't go anywhere - he's got to tap! (4:57) When the music plays, Victoria seems to realize she may have forgotten something.

Will Goldberg be at RAW (probably not?) Back on Sunday next week.

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The Cubs Fan watches way too much watching television - you can read more
of his overly detailed rambling reports at www.thecubsfan.com 

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