by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/TheCubsFan.com 

Lance Storm (Calgary, Alberta, Canada, 230 pounds, w/ladies) vs Matt Hardy (Version One, Cameron, NC, 228 pounds) - your announcers Al and Coach. Coach says they're going to release some names in the Rumble tonight, but Al's more hyped for the "HUUUUUUGE" Val Venis/Randy Orton (non-title) match. Matt prefers windows seating on Airplanes. Matt has never lost his credit card. Matt's opted for the white pants tight. In slightly more random news, one of Al's New Year's Resolution is "not to punch Muhammad Ali anymore. Granted, it is fun to get a couple shots off of a champ, but it's not really a challenge anymore." Circle. Lockup, Matt with an armbar, twist, back into a a hammerlock, Strom tries to find a way out and settles on running and dropping to the mat near the ropes to throw Matt out. Pescado! He's excited. Wait, not that way. As best we can see. Al makes his own joke at the same level. Matt thrown in, Lance with a shoulder, springboard sunset flip one two NO. Matt with a questionably low shot and throws Lance out, but Lance hangings out onto t he middle rope and stays on the apron. Sorta. Barely. Matt gets up and punches Lance, before running him into the post. Which is probably why he has to stay on the apron. Matt goes on and throws Lance in. Meanwhile, Coach and Al have revised earlier positions on the ladies (wait! that wasn't supposed to have a double meaning!) and are almost to the point of complaining about the "no ugly chicks on Heat!" rule being broken. Suplex by Matt, one two no. Foot in the back standing surfboard. Matt gets bored with that and just lets go of the foot. Lance turns it around shortly after, getting in a knee and a chinbuster, if Al says so. Lance battling back with punches, whip, back elbow, clothesline looks wack. Whip, jumping leg lariat looks better one two no. Corner whip, reversed, Storm kips up and out, Matt turns and tries Side Effect, Lance elbows out, fireman's carry and the forward roll slam is perfectly fine. Whip, short reverse into the Side Effect, one two NO. Coach calls the Side Effect, which always warms my (cold, cold) heart. YAAAAAAAAAAAA legdrop misses as Al pushes his "Matt's needs to get back to his SmackDown! Level" line. Okie Roll one two NO! If Al was really smart, he would've called that a LSU roll. Lance's clothesline aren't my favorites, but there's another one. Later: Orton/Val, and the TE3 winners! Al: "You realize I'm slowly taking over WWE, one person at a time." Coach: "I see it. And I like it, that's why I'm on your good side." Lance going up, but too slow - Matt gets back up and catches him on the top rope with a punch. Superplex? Fought off, and Matt's pushed back down. Lance signaling, missile dropkick but no one's home, Matt ducking barely in time. Lance doesn't get his left leg really up for it - I don't know if that's just someway to adjust since he's missing it or if he was thrown by Matt getting out of the way a little late? Doesn't matter, because it's over - Twist Of Fate, one two three. (3:45) Coach pronounces this "a big-time quality win."

Tonight: Randy Orton vs Val Venis (non-title)
Next: Drunk Driving!

Subway WM Recall: HBK glides into the ring.

"Nothing Left to Lose" by Puddle of Mudd is your official theme song of the Royal Rumble.
Al and Coach couldn't think of a good segue into RVD/Henry, but neither can I. (6:35)
RAW: Randy Orton (c) vs Rob Van Dam for the IC Title - so that's why it can't be on the line tonight, see? They don't actually say that.
Tonight: Randy Orton vs Val Venis

Torque (aka incredibly computer generated) looking motorcycle scenes Last Man Standing Match announcement of Monday

Garrison Cade and Mark Jindrak (532 pounds) vs John Hennigan & Matt Cappotelli (Tough Enough 3, 449 pounds) - Even though they're crazy excited to be here, no one remembers who these two are. Or they don't make any noise for them, I guess. Somewhat surprising that they get their own music. Odd - they say the "WWE Original Midnight Madness @ Tower Records NY" bit here, which they did on Velocity, but somehow we've gone from "Chris Jericho and Trish Stratus" to "Chris Jericho and Stone Cold Steve Austin." Jindrak's got a new stupid haircut! Al's doing the "Jade and Cindrak" routine, which either Coach ignores or is oblivious to - it's tough to tell with Coach. Lockup, Cade with a headlock on Matt, takedown while holding it on, rolling hi mover for a one count, Matt with a headscissors reversal, Cade (kinda) kips out of it, both back up, and Matt gets the headlock. Cade trying to back suplex out, but Matt holds on and turns it over to a headlock takedown. Cade tries the legscissors reversal, there we go. Matt kips out, and we have a standoff. Lockup, armbar by Cade, tag to Jindrak. He takes over the armbar, crank, twist, yank. Tag to Cade. Cade with a second rope axhandle to the arm. Talking about TE3. Coach: "I understand that Bill DeMott is doing a heck of a job over on SmackDown! side thing-" Al: "on the B-Team!" "Yea, the B-Team over there, it's okay, he's doing a hell of a job, but he's got to work with Josh Mathews, what can you say?" Jindrak with a whip, clothesline misses, Matt back with a spinning cross body one two NO. Cade with an armbar, stepping over, but Matt use the other arm to pull off an inside cradle one two no. Cade with a right hand to keep Matt down. Whip, blind tag by John, Matt slides under Cade and distracts while John comes in and grabs a waistlock, waistlock rollup one two no. Cade charges John, John ducks under and puts on a waistlock, into a headlock shot off and knocked down by a big shoulderblock. Tag to Jindrak. whip into a Jindrak back breaker one two NO. Another side back breaker? John flips out of it, ducks a clothesline, off the ropes, Jindrak tosses him up and John comes down with 'rana. Tag to Matt, double whip, double hiptoss, double kip up, and wacky taunts! Coach: "What the hell was that?" Al: "Looked like a seizure in the leg. I'm not sure - I didn't teach that! Maybe Bill DeMott did." Matt covers, one two no. Whip for Jindrak, clothesline misses, Jindrak nails Matt with one of his own, knocking Matt clear out of the ring. Coach tells us that Jindrak is saying he's got the best clothesline of all, while Al piles out with Jindrak having said he's got the best punch of all. Matt thrown back in one two no. Tag to Cade, hold for a big boot. Armbar, cranking the arm. Kicking the arm. Tag to Jindrak. Cade holds the left arm so Jindrak can headbutt it! Matt wants to make a tag, but Jindrak stops him short. Armbar. Crank. Matt tries to punch out. Crank. Punch. Punch. Headbutt to the arm by Jindrak. Whip, head don too soon and it's kicked. Matt tries to make the wild jump for a tag but Jindrak catches him and drops him with an inverted atomic drop in a spot that seems to be all the rage lately. Jindrak with a back suplex, but Matt lands on his fee - tag to John! Slingshot kick to the chest, dropkick for Cade, dropkick for Jindrak. Whip, reversed, Cade puts his head down too soon, John tries a fivearm and nearly comes up short (camera tries to hide it.) John with a kick to the midsection and a jumping kick to the side of the head one two Cade break it up. Matt takes care of him with a better fivearm. Right hand for Jindrak, but Matt's being order to leave. While that's happening, Jindrak lifts up John in a spinebuster, and Cade helps snap Jon's neck over to the top rope. That's the Decapitator. Jindrak coverts one two three (5:43) We give the TE3 guys credit for losing.

Tonight: Randy Orton vs Val Venis (non-title)
Next: Tag Team Title Shot

RAW Live
Monday - Long Island, NY [RAW]
Friday - Des Monies, IA [RRTWXXT]
Saturday - Madison, WI [RRTWXXT]
Sunday - Milwaukee, WI [RRTWXXT]
Monday - Green Bay, WI [RAW]

JVC Dudley Boyz laid out before the match

Last bit of the title match and the post match kicker (3804-4036)
Royal Rumble: Triple H (c) vs Shawn Michaels in a Last Man Standing Match for the World Championship
Next: Randy Orton vs Val Venis (non-title)

New Hardcore Legend commercials (:40)

InterContinetal Randy Orton vs (St. Louis, MO, 240 pounds) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 242 pounds) - Randy gives us a good close look at the belt. Back to Last Monday, where Randy took out a legend. We're starting this awful early for the main event, so something's up. Coach and Al debate whether Al would ever beat up Coach, and then get back to the more pressing issue of "no ugly chicks on Heat." Coach and Al love Mike Choida this week again. Must've lost a bet. Lockup, Orton with a headlock, quick spin into a drop toe hold, riding the back to a headlock. Val slips out, hammerlock. Randy looking for the way out, not they're not there, the leg? The leg! Val manages to kick Randy away, and right into the buckle. Armdrag, armdrag blocked, wait not any more. Armbar. What shape will this match leave Randy in for tomorrow? I'm guessing one with a lot of muscles. Coach knows what an armbar is! Val up to shi feet, and Randy punches free. Right. Whip, reversed into the running knee in those ropes, then the running knee into these ropes and the Russian Legsweep to finish. Octopus! Coach finds the name funny. Al makes James Bond jokes. Randy gets a leg into the rope, so break. Val is in no hurry to follow up. Circle.  Lockup, Randy with a headlock, takedown. Takeover? Close enough. Val slips out again into a hammerlock, driving a knee into the arm into the back, and again. Hammerlock warped around Val's leg to hold it in, hip swivel, and falling back to crank the arm. Randy's in quite some pain, and to the ropes. Choida is keeping them apart for some reason? Trying to explain something to Val while keeping Orton away? Ah, Val's right boot is untied, and Choida is ordering a break for him to retie. Orton can't believe this, and while Choida is watching the exciting boot tying, takes matters in his own hands with a big kick to the head. Choida argues with Orton, but it's a little later now. Corner whip, Orton charges as Val stops himself in the corner by getting the boot up, Val turns and they clock heads! Both men down? What a better time for a break. (3:07) Knew there had to be another one around here somewhere.

Back, and Val is trying a backslide one two NO. Orton clothesline misses, Val with a stinging right hand that knock him down, and Orton rolls out to recover. Val through the ropes to follow, chop, chop, right, whip, reversed and Val goes into the apron back first. He's in some pain, so Orton runs him back first into the apron again. Randy throws him in, as Coach and Al discuss Al's porn career. Orton with a European Uppercut, corner whip, and Val goes down. Orton poses - boos and cheers? Surprising. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Stomp. Orton is told to back off by Choida, but he just ends up slipping out on Choida and stretching Orton's back around the corner post. Holding it in for as much of the five count as possible. Coach just said Orton is pretty, that's kinda disturbing. Orton back in, but Val fighting him off with punches. Kick, suplex - no, his back is hurting him too much. Orton follows up with a big back suplex one two no. Coach now says that NEXT week, they'll release names for the Rumble. That's a bit of lying. Orton working in elbows to the back. Surfboard/chinlock thingy. Val is pulsating his abdomen to rally the crowd, which actually gets some boos. Val with elbows, but Orton stops him with a back elbow. Orton with a whip, Orton puts his head down, Orton with a sunset flip one two NO.  Val with a kick, reverse neckbreaker, but his back hurts too much to cover. Both down. One two three four five six seven - and they're up. Val blocks the punch and hits his own. Repeat. Right, right, Orton with a knee. Coach is distracting me by talking about his desire to be a fluffer. Orton off the ropes, Val clotheslines him. Back elbow, whip, reversed, driving shoulderblock. Whip, backdrop. Just a bit slow because of the back. Half nelson is blocked with back elbows, whip by Orton, reversed, half nelson release suplex one two NO. Val wants to make sure that's a two. Orton sneaks in an eye poke during the argument, off the ropes, into a big Val spinebuster one two NO. Val is frustrated. Orton with a kick, off the ropes, RKO is pushed off, Val kick is caught, Orton kick wham DDT. Can he cover? One two NO. Chinlock. Pulling Val up while in the chinlock. European Uppercut get an unnaturally loud reaction. Val fights him off with a boot to the head that gets the same reaction. Val charges out of the corner, but Orton grabs him in teh sleeper. Val fading. Val powering back up - back suplex into a powerbomb one two no. What's Val going to do now? Drop an elbow. Drop an elbow. Drop an elbow. Now? Val checks Orton, and he's limp. HIS ARM is limp. So, instead of covering, Val will go up. Money Shot - no, Orton must've been faking because he's up and punching now. Right. Going up - superplex?  Blocked. Val fighting back, much like his partner earlier, and Orton gets pushed off. All the way up, Money Shot GETS KNEES!  Val is yelping in pain. Orton looks semi out of it but what's left is looking for his spot - RKO. One two three. (9:39) This was good, though nothing worth writing a column over. Well, it being the odd 9 minute match on this show, that might be it. Replays of the Money OW and the ArrKayOoo.

Monday: Randy Orton vs Rob Van Dam for the IC Title! (aka the "Did RVD resign yet?" match)

That's it.

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