by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/TheCubsFan.com 

the Hurricane & Rosey (565 pounds) vs Garrison Cade & Mark Jindrak (523 pounds) - The acronym letters on Rosey's shirt is blurred out - on the shirt, not post production. Your announcers are Al and Coach. Coach tells us that you can't call any of the matches on WrestleMania the main event because they're all so huge. Thrilling to get this match again. Circle. Lockup. Jindrak with a headlock. Shot off. Back with a shoulderblock, but Rosey isn't going down. No, wait, the acronym in question isn't blurred, it's just in a different more block-ish font. Rosey's shoulderblock no-sell pose gets him a kick form Jindrak. Right. Whip, Rosey back with a shoulderblock. Waving, posing, off the ropes, headbutt drop. Jindrak rolls over to his corner and tags to Cade. They discuss before Cade actually comes in. Circle - Jindrak swipes at Rosey from outside, Rosey turns to look at him and Cade punks him out with forearms. Coach: "I know you're a big fan of Cade and Jindrak, because you think they have what it takes to get to the top, eventually." Al neither confirms or denies this charge, opting to make fun of run on sentences instead. Jindrak with a kick, right, whip - no Rosey's got the ropes and Cade isn't going to pull him off them no matter how hard he tries. Punch. Headbutt. Tag to Hurricane. Hurricane goes to the top rope, Rosey with a whip, camera angle switch so we might only hear Cade slowing to a stop so Hurricane's top rope cross body hits correctly. One two nope. LA MAJISTRAL! Al called it! Coach: "Yea, whatever you said" One two NO. Half nelson rollup? Not really bit one two no. Al votes for "quarter nelson with a half grapevine", and he's probably right. This oddly leads into tales of "Al Snow and Coach Sr., great tag team of 1978", but I don't know if we want to go there. Whip, reversed, Cade's hiptoss is blocked, Hurricane's hiptoss is blocked so he slaps on a octopus instead? Sure. Coach has no idea what that is either, but Jindrak saves him from calling it by breaking it up. Hurricane retaliates the wacky hold stoppage by forearming Jindrak out of the ring and Cade avenges his partner by doing the same to Hurricane. Hurricane's super powers allow him to land on his feet, but don't prevent him from being held as he's climbing back in the ring, leaving him prey for a baseball slide dropkick. Jindrak's dropkick - Coach: "I knew what that was!" - is even more devastating outside. Jindrak has the best dropkick in Atlanta/WWE and the best punch, they say. Cade stomps the back. Tag to Jindrak, everyone forearm Hurricane. Suplex, one no. Whip, Jindrak inverted atomic drop, sub-Palumbo punch. Tag to Cade. Double suplex. This should get at least two - Cade covers to check, one two NO. Cade argues, but still two. Tag to Jindrak, Cade holds him for Hurricane to forearm. Snap mare, kneeling surfboard. Hurricane battling to his feet and turning, right, right, right Jindrak stops that with a knee. Whip, inverted atomic drop is escaped (Hurricane avoids the knee?) and Hurricane htis the Shining Wizard. Hurricane needs to make the tag, and both are crawling for a tag, although Jindrak takes the scenic route. Tag to Cade, tag to Rosey. Cade realizes this is a bad idea, but goes ahead anyway and gets knock down with a shoulderblock. Clothesline. Whip, backdrop. Jindrak sneaks in a forearm to the back as Rosey looks to the crowd, whip, dropkick but Rosey's got the ropes. Legdrop to the back of Jindrak's head  will neutralize him for a while. Cade's punch is blocked and he gets a turnbuckle smash. Rosey to the second rope? Fat cross body one two NO Jindrak breaks it up. Hurricane takes Jindrak out of the ring with a punch, then goes on to have a long long debate with Jack Doan about when he should and shouldn't be allowed in the ring. Rosey goes to the second rope for a pump splash, but splash (he lands on his feet but I guess that was the idea) meets knees. Rosey stands around for ten seconds, fixing his shirt (Cade's knees had knocked it over his head, hockey fight style), 'till Jindrak shows up to give him jawbreaker over the top rope. Hurricane decides to leave the ring, giving Jindrak a somersault plancha, and even Coach knows that was an unwise move. Cade second rope bulldog one two three. (6:08) 

Tonight: Test vs Steven Richards, No DQ. The Brawl To Settle It All!
Next: interview with Mick Foley

First, the beatdown, two weeks ago (:13)
Second, the sit down interview with JR. (4:49)

YJ Benoit makes Batista tap out of Monday

Matt Hardy (Version 1, Cameron, NC, 228 pounds) vs Chris Guy (Omaha, NE, 223 pounds, already in the ring) - Matt's kitchen appliances are all stainless steel. Matt likes his eggs cooked over easy. I always feel that going all stainless steel makes the kitchen feel a bit cold, but I guess in the right environment it works. Circle. Lockup, headlock. Chris trying to turn out of it, but Matt uses his blond hair to pull him back in. Chris trying again, nope, Matt spinning around into a hammerlock. Shove to the back, VEEEEEONEAAAAAAAAH. Al has a friend Clayton he's saying hi to right now. Lockup, Guy with a headlock, into a hammerlock, Chris reveres to shi own, Matt reveres but Chris reverses with him. Matt looks to grab a leg, can't reach them, grabbing the head isn't working, how about backing Chris into the corner? That'll work. Clean break? Absolutely not - a vicious elbow drop to the head. Punch hurts Matt's hand. Corner whip, Chris with a kip yelling headiscsosrs, dropkick one two NO. Chris with right hands, corner whip, reversed, Chris tries kipping up again, Mat catches him on his shoulder, and Matt's dropped in the corner for Snake Eyes. Chris is up but staggered - a running clothesline takes care of that. "VEEEEEEEONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAH." Al explains that the facts are Matt Facts, in case you only watch RAW shows and not SmackDown! ones. Back elbow to the neck. Whip, Matt charges in and hits a clothesline in, bulldog out. MATT IS SHOCKER! one two no I guess not. Actually, Matt's one Heat based feud into turning into a later day WWE-era Raven, which may be good and may be bad but gives you something to think about during this kneeling surfboard/chinlock. Chris drawing from the fans, but apparently not enough since Matt's pretty obviously allowing him to standing up on his own here. Elbow, elbow, off the ropes, into a Matt sleeper. Matt looking for a way out, and borrows a page from Matt by running him back first into the corner. Chris recovering and not following up, Matt tries a clothesline, Chris ducks, left jab left jab left jab right forearm. I give it a 7. Corner whip, dropkick in the corner, Matt goes tiiimber. Chris going to the top? No, seemingly aborting a springboard move and landing a turning slingshot splash on Matt (either that, or it was just an ugly slingshot splash), complete with knee to Matt's head, one two no. Matt takes over with a right hand, slam, no Chris lands behind, inside cradle one two no. Matt up and popping Chris with a back elbow that has Chris checking his jaw; Al: "It could've been what we call 'El Receipto'" Coach: "I didn't know you know Spanish." "Yes." "You're fluent in one language then." Matt going to the top while checking his nose, but Chris stops him with punches. Climbing up to join him, forearms, all the way up but Matt punches him down. Al says "Lita" is "El Lito" in Spanish - "That's all you have to do to speak Spanish, 'el' and 'o', add an 'el' to the beginning and an 'o' to the end." Raindrop Downfall (lots of female cheers), calling for it, kick, Twist O' Fate. One two three. (4:21) Two in a row, and yet I still wonder if he'll be on a losing streak on RAW.

Tonight: Test vs Steven Richards, No DQ. The match the world's been waiting for.
Next: Eric Bischoff vs Vince McMahon

The best part of the newest WWE Originals CD is how they've edited to make it look like Eddie was singing alone.

RAW Live
Monday - Atlanta, GA
Friday - Syracuse, NY
Saturday - Elmira, NY
Sunday - Baltimore, MD
Monday - Bridgeport, CT
That's a weird Sunday stop given the other three.

And to see what kinds of matches you might get at those shows, here's RAW's main event. Why did Eric ask to shake hands? Is he supposed to be an idiot? I guess we were supposed to root for Vince? I dunno. I guess it doesn't matter. (3:02)
WMXX: Brock Lesnar vs Goldberg with Stone Cold Steve Austin as a Special Guest referee
WMXX: Undertaker vs Kane.
[Heat's picture goes out for a bit , but I think the Playboy match goes here]
WMXX: Triple H (c) vs Shawn Michaels vs Chris Benoit for the World Title

Tonight: Test vs Steven Richards, No DQ. A match to define an era.

WM Recall: Trish beats Victoria for the Women's Title, WMXIX

Lance Storm (Calgary, AB, Canada, 230 pounds) vs El Conquistador (somewhere in Latin America, 228 pounds) - Okay, 228 pounds? Absolutely not. The real question is which OVW guy (with a big beard) got stuck under the mask as to not mess up Cornette's storylines. The only points worth remembering here is that Conquistador is wearing the usual mask for this bit, Conquistador manages to snap Lance's left arm over the top rope thus becoming the focus point for the match, and Lance uses the single leg roll into a half crab as a finisher this time. Al suggests that this might be Nick Babaganootch, though Coach disagrees. Al: "Oh, I am right. I am a former wrestler, I have seen these men without masks, and trunks." (3:36) Lance celebrates as well as a one man can, as Coach acts like Lance's left arm may have to be amputated. Al: "It's totally lifeless." Coach: "Kinda like Al's career." Lance's happy hand slapping is interrupted by Test decided to enter early. Test is kind enough to take a moment out of his posing and muscle kissing to give Lance a pat for a job well done - too bad it's on the bad arm. That is the funniest thing Test has seen ALL WEEK.

Test (282 pounds) vs - Ew, he's licking his muscles now. Let's take a break!

Snickers your new Women's Champion of Monday - this and the rewind are a nice pair of bookends.

Test vs Heat GM Steven Richards (Philadelphia, PA, 230 pounds, w/o Victoria) in a no disqualification match - It's Diesel vs Shawn Michaels! Except not really. Wow, they've been playing Test's music all the way during the break. Steven is focused and not fooling around. Victoria is "still celebrating her title win". It seems like you're not allowed to second someone to the ring if you're having a match later that night, which has lame effects (like this.) Test attacks Steven as he comes through the ropes with forearms, and we're off. Forearm, forearm, stomp, stomp, stomp, "I'm TEST BABY something something something something!" Test picks Steven up, whip, clothesline misses, Steven right, right, right, right, chop, clothesline and out goes Test. Steven right out after him, but Test knees him. Scoop and run back first into the post, and twice. Steven is tossed in under the bottom rope. "SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING NOW BABY" Stomp to the back. Stomp to the back. Side back backbreaker, up, side backbreaker, up, side slam. "JUMPING JACKS BABY" Jumping Jacks. I think that's what he said. Test strutting around, but we only get to see the upperbody. Vicious bearhug. Wrenching the back. Steven trying to rally, elbowing out.  Slam - no, back hurts too much. Test takes advantage, Gutwrench into, well, A-Train's Derailer. Shout out to his old partner! One two NO. Al works in "coyote". "SOMETHING SOMETHING SOMETHING NOW BABY". Test is many things, but intelligible is not one of them. Back to the bearhug. "SHUT UP!" I got that one. Steven i pay, but managing to fight out again with punches. Facebite will do it. Off the ropes, clothesline, Test won't go down. Off the ropes, another, still no, but staggered. Kick to the leg, kick to the leg, Test grabs the leg, off the ropes, Steven clotheslines him down. Swinging neckbreaker one two NO. Steven's back is still bugging. Test wants a timeout, but Test isn't giving him. Chop. Whip, quick reverse, short clothesline is ducked, Steven with a kick, aaaaa suplex is escaped into the pumphandle - Test: "AAA" - Steven slips behind on the lift, forearms to Test's back, suplex! One two NO. Steven begs for a three, but no. Al notes that neither guy has taken advantage of the No DQ stip. Steven with corner punches one two three four Test pushes him off, Steven runs to climb back on, Test moves and Steven crotches himself in the corner. "BOOOOOT!" Test jumping in place to tune it up, as Steven pulls himself up using the ropes. Test charges, Steven moves, and Test hurts himself by getting his leg caught over the top rope. Steven X-Factor! one two NO. Steven was covering while holding his injured crotch area. He's still hurting form that and both are down. Al works in his complement of Choida. Huh, Lance Storm is on the apron? Coach and Al are confused as I, as no one saw him come out. He's waving for someone to get up. Both guys do - springboard clothesline is ducked by Test, but not by Steven! Al thinks he was going for Test, but he missed badly if that's the case. Lance is annoyed, as Test pulls himself up. Lance is circling the ring and leaving? Test tuning up again - BOOT. One two three. Dang it. (6:25) That clothesline, it wasn't even close. Either Lance Storm has horrible aim, or maybe Test figured out he might need some help to win this one. What kills me is Lance walked halfway around the ring and left after hitting that clothesline - if he was really that upset about Test or changing the outcome of the match, he surely could've tried to do something else besides leave, unless he really did what he went down there to do. I think Steven needs some explaining.

Oh, the show ended two minutes ago. That's it.

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