by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/TheCubsFan.com 

Rhyno (Detroit, MI, 275 pounds) vs Val Venis (Las Vegas, NV, 242 pounds) - Wow, they're really pulling out all the stops!!! Coach: "We've got a lot to get to, and a lot of we don't even want to talk about." Your announcers on this 305th edition of Heat are Al and Coach. Coach: "I had half a mind not even to show up today. You almost did show entirely by yourself!" "Well, I've been looking forward to that day, week after week Coach. You're become a professional at getting your butt whipped!" Coach quickly gets Val and Al confused. He also had Chris Benoit and Eugene right where he (and Cade) wanted them last week. Al meant comment as a compliment. He would know. Hey, we just did this match! It was good, so that's okay. Val yells at people so I guess he's the heel this time? Circle. Taking their time getting started here. Rhyno looking to the crowd for the usual ECW chant? Well, he gets some positive yelling instead. Announcers say the crowd is split as they take a little more time circling and looking at the crowd. Stalling enough that even Al notes it. Val wants Rhyno to stop listening to the crowd and take him on. Lockup, Val slips behind and shoves Rhyno. Rhyno is not impressed. Circle. Lockup, Val slowly backed up in the corner, yelling for a break, Rhyno takes his time but gives the break, only to get shoved by Val. Rhyno can't believe Val would do it, but he can believe he can shove down Val. Val crawls to safety in the corner, using Mike Choida as a shield. Rhyno isn't really interested in giving a break but doesn't have a choice. "YOU WANT ME TO KICK HIS ASS?" "YESSSSSSSSS!" Ah, there's the ECW chant. I was getting so worried. Al: "I was there. I didn't drink the Kool-Aid, but I was there." Lockup, Rhyno armbar, twisting Val to the ground and turning into a hard wristlock with a knee into Val's back. Coach is talking about Rhyno getting a huge ECW chant last time they were in Philly for a house show. You know, if as many people who chant ECW now actually paid for tickets back then, they might still have a show. And yet, they don't. Coach wishes he could've been in ECW! Fantasy book THAT. Al: "You wouldn't have survived the [ECW] Arena! They'd ate you up." Val standing back up from the wristlock, and getting a single leg takedown, but misses an elbow drop. Rhyno wants to follow up, but Val hides in the ropes again. Fans boo. Slow start, as we're near three minutes in and still getting started. Announcers figure Val's playing it cautious because he's going up against Rhyno. "All it takes is one mistake against a guy like Rhyno, to blow the whole match." Lockup, Val with a headlock, headlock punch! Right, and Rhyno staggers around the ring. Right, and Rhyno staggers around the ring. Right, and Rhyno staggers around the ring. Right, and Rhyno stops staggering. Uh oh. Val swings, Rhyno blocks, Rhyno right, right, right, whip, shoulderblock. Rhyno's pumped, and Val's wandering right into position. GORE - no, Val pulls himself out of the ring just in time. Fans boo, and we go to break? (3:54) Wasn't expecting that for this match, but that sure explains the slow open.

One of these times, the opener of either of the weekend shows should just keep going and going. It wouldn't have to be a whole hour, although that'd be understandably neat, but if the encounter unexpectedly bled over to a third segment and all the sudden the announcers are talking about stuff they won't be able to show us because my god the level of competition, it'd give the guys involved something to hang their hats on for at least a week. Have to be someone with lots of offense and stamina - hmm, maybe these two?

Back. Now it's Val's time to be staggered and Rhyno's turn to punch. They're both doing their jobs well. Corner whip, reversed, Val charges into a back elbow. Rhyno going up? Having no problems, except that Val is too aware to let it go, easily getting to the corner to knock out Rhyno's leg, dropping him chest first on the top turnbuckle on his way to the floor! That looked very unfun. Val isn't going to be stopped from getting of the ring by Mike Choida, sneaking out while he's checking on Rhyno. Rhyno smashed into the apron head first, then back first. Coach: "You would miss me." LIES! Val throws Rhyno in, pulls Rhyno's arms off his chest, and drops a knee right on the breastplate. A second, and a third. One two no. Al expects Rhyno has at least a bruised rib. Punch to the ribs by Rhyno. Rhyno's really grabbing his ribs, and Val's punching 'em. Hard kick to the ribs. Pumphandle gutbuster! One two NO. This is neat not because it's being done well (it is being done well), but because it's not the same arm work we get every week. Coach starts a sentence "When I'm in the ring", which annoys the heck out of Al. Abdominal stretch! This could be it, if the announcers weren't too busy arguing. Though, Al gets in a good line about Coach vs Benoit: "You beat him into submission by using your chest against his hand!" Crowd rallies behind Rhyno as he tries to shake his way free - hiptoss! But Rhyno doesn't have much left, collapsing to the mat. Both slow up. Coach: "I'm really surprised you knew what the abdominal stretch was. Sometimes, I'll have to point things out to you during the match." It's funny because you know someone said that to Coach. Hard kick to the gut by Val! Lining him up and kicking him in the ribs. AL: "With Val's political background and aspirations, instead of that being a 'roundhouse kick', that'd be a 'right wing kick.'" Rhyno down to his knees. Chop. Whip, Val puts his head down too soon and gets it kicked. Rhyno clothesline is ducked and fed into the half nelson, but Val's suplex is blocked once twice. Rhyno tries to back elbow out, but Val just turns him around and punches him in the gut. Rhyno's bent over, Val goes off the ropes, Rhyno stands back up and flattens him with a clothesline. Another clothesline, whip, backdrop. Rhyno would be pumped if his chest still didn't hurt. Side belly to belly probably hurters Rhyno just as much, but he's able to crawl on top for a cover one two no. Corner whip, charge into Val's knee. Val with a double leg takedown, feet on the ropes, one two - Choida catches it! Al and Coach kiss up to Choida per usual, though Val doesn't share their impression of Choida. They have a long argument, walking all the way into the opposite corner. Crowd notices that Rhyno's getting up, but Val doesn't. Choida may - he moves, Rhyno charges, Val turns, GORE. One two three (4:43, 8:27 all) Al throws it back to his earlier comments - all it took was one mistake by Val, and it cost him the match.

Tonight: Trish Stratus (w/Tyson Tomko) vs Nidia
Next: Randy Orton and Chris Jericho have words. And then things that are not words.

I don't think the girl from Barney's is hiring anyone who's watching this show. And what does it say about Monster.com abilities if they're still looking to fill a position they they announced at the Superbowl? 

Subway Where Was The Jeritron 3000 On Monday? 

After they stopped talking, they started fighting! What an exciting turn of events. We join in the Trish Stands Around Awkwardly (which is hard for a girl like Trish to do.) We get extra footage if Jericho being fitted with a collar and stretchered out. Al would heavily bet on Jericho attempting revenge on T&T tomorrow night. (3:40)

Tonight: Trish Stratus vs Nidia - will Jericho interfere here? (No.)
Next: Matt Hardy (Version One). 

RAW Live
Monday - Montreal, QC [RAW]
Saturday - Boston, MA [RAW Escape the Rules Tour] - oh my god, they've given up revenge for wrestlemania!
Sunday - Rochester, NY [RAW Escape the Rules Tour]
Next Monday - Albany, NY [RAW]
Two Weeks From Tonight - Columbus, OH [Bad Blood]

Matt Hardy (Version One, Cameron, NC, 228 pounds, w/o Lita) vs Rudy Cooper (231 pounds, already in the ring) - Coach talks right over the locals intro. Coach and Al saw Kane in Lita's room, even if Matt hasn't. Al: "One of Rudy's hobbies? Destabilizing third world governments." Okay. Lockup, Rudy waistlock, Matt runs it around, armbar, wristlock, into a hammerlock, into a headlock. Rudy manages to back Matt into the corner. Break, though Rudy with a shove. Matt smiles. Circle. Lockup, hammerlock, Matt shoves Rudy in the back. "I'm VEEONE!" Rudy does not smile. Charge, right into a drop toe hold. Armbar, Matt with a right, right, right, twist, Rudy punching back, right, right, whip, back elbow missed, Rudy tries to throw Matt out, but Matt turns it around and out goes Rudy. Matt waves good bye. Coach and Al are having distressing conversations. The face Matt (V1) is an awful lot like the heel Matt (V1), except that now the announcers are noticing the fans cheering him. Your ref is Fill In Ref Chris Kay - I keep forgetting to drop his name. Matt taunts rather than go out, but meets Rudy on the apron, and Rudy greets him with a shoulder to the gut. Rudy tries to slingshot in with a sunset flip, but Matt slides himself out under the bottom rope simultaneously, and Rudy lands in the ring alone. Matt signaling to the crowd as he goes up, top rope axhandle actually hits! One two NO. Al figures Matt could care less about Lita, because he's not acting like anything is up here, and it's a valid point. Corner whip, Matt charges into a back elbow, Rudy charges out into the Sid-no, blocked and elbow out by Rudy, that's a surprise. Rudy with a kick, turning and reverse neckbreaker one two no. Neck vice by Rudy. "HARDY HARDY HARDY HARDY HARDY HARDY" Matt draws from the fans as he rallies up. Rudy stops this with a forearm to the back. Right. Off the ropes, but Matt pulls out a backdrop. Both are slow up. Coach: "Matt needs a quick second to get a quick blow." Al: "A quick blow?!?!" Coach: "Some air." Matt grabs his head as he stands up. Coach talks about creating a show for Al: "Hip Eye For The White Guy". Well, not in those terms. But I think it works. Call me! Rudy's right blocked, Matt's right not. Right. Right. Whip, back elbow, leg drop. Corner whip, in with the clothesline, out with the bulldog! One two NO. Matt grabbing his head again. Slam, no, Rudy slips behind, reverse roll up with back bridge but one two Matt slips out with the bridge never having really been completed. Matt checks the count and gets a forearm from Rudy. Rudy right hand, whip, quick reverse into the Side Effect! Matt pulling himself up, because it's time. Fans sense it. Kick yell Twist O' Fate. One two three. (4:32)

Next: Eric threatens to fire A-Train! Would A-Train notice? 

Two Weeks Ago: Battle Royal for the Number One Contender To The PPV I Keep Spelling Wrong. HBK/HHH is highlighted here. Well, it was before too. (1:32)

HHH/HBK last week. They must be using this as a video package on RAW, because it's already been cut up nicely. It's so sad that A-Train and Palumbo haven't been on the air and they never bothered to come up with even the flimsiest reason why they haven't been on air. They're just not, now. This isn't really about this, though, right? I'd like to see Chuck vs Val though. How was HBK/HHH destroying RAW, anyway? If everyone who messed up backstage destroyed RAW, there'd be a lot of destroyed RAW. They should've had them interrupt a match with fighting or something. They end up back into normal clips for the fight at the end. (5:51)

Bad Blood: Triple H vs Shawn Michaels in a Hell in The Cell match
Bad Blood: (also) World Tag Team Champion Chris Benoit (c) vs Kane for the World Heavyweight Championship

Next: Trish Stratus vs Nidia

1-800-Call-ATT undefeated Eugene

Trish Stratus (Toronto, Canada, w/Tyson Tomko) vs Nidia (Houston, TX) in a Divas contest - Coach is not thrilled with that clip. He threatens to walk out! If he didn't love Trish too much. Coach complains about illegal headbutts. Here, Nidia's introduction gets cut off by a cable system wide Severe Thunderstorm Warning, so I'm going to assume nothing's changed since last time. She's hesitant about getting in the ring with T&T, of course. RAW Diva contest is plugged here, followed by the plug of how much the current Divas will hate the new Diva. 

Al: "Think about it, a quarter of a million dollars. I'd dress you up as a chick, if I thought you'd have a chance." 
Coach: "I'd be a hot chick. I've got good legs." 
Al: "You're not bad."
Coach: "Thanks, baby, I appreciate it"
Al: "You have no chest." 
Coach: "Well not after Monday night!"
Al: "And no hips."
Coach: "Details."

Circle, lockup. Trish headlock, takedown leaning Nidia over into a pin, one and up. Nidia trying to ease her way into a legsiscsosr, but Tirsh slips free. Nidia tries again, and she hooks Trish this time. Trish kips up, standoff. Lockup, NO Trish kick, right. Al compliments Nidia. 

Al: "I'm so proud every time I see her out in the ring. She looks terrific, she's a great physical specimen, and she has been - she's just done me so well." 
Coach: "She did you so well? No wonder she won! No wonder she won Tough Enough!"
Al reiterates what he meant - she's make him look like a good trainer - and sounds legitimately annoyed by the accusation. But he says "performer", which makes Coach laugh at the possible double meaning, and Al threatens to take Coach down and make him scream.
Al: "And I don't mean how the audience screams when they have to see you wrestle."

Trish with a right hand, turnbuckle smash, turnbuckle smash. Kick to the side, kick to the side. Chest slap, chest slap, chest slap mises. Nidia forearm, forearm, forearm, forearm, whip, reversed into a short knee. Nidia thrown down by her hair. Kick to the ribs. Stomp on the hand. Stomp on the hand. Trish gets in Nidia's face and taunts - Nidia slaps her. Punch to the midsection, punch to the head, kick to the ribs, whip - no, Tyson pulls Trish out to safety. Nidia wisely decides not to go out to help - but does sneak in a sliding dropkick on Trish! Tyson reaches in after her, but Jack Down yells a them. While they argue, Nidia does come out, and bring Trish back in. Trish begging off now, Nidia pausing to replay back, and is suckered into a drop toe hold. Trish with a hammerlock, eventually into a side bow and arrow. Back to an armbar, turning Nidia over to cover, Snap mare, chinlock. Crowd rallying for Nidia a little sooner than she's ready. Trish is really yanking Nidia's head a lot while in this. But she has it on for an extended time. Nidia trying to draw from the crowd. I think the crowd is trying to chant Nidia but it's tough. Nidia battling up with elbows, trying to get away but Trish has her by the neck (? not clear). Nidia back elbows free and starts to go to the ropes, but Trish has a hold of her trunks and pulling them a little bit down to trip up Nidia. No one besides Trish got a good peek, but the crowd still reacted. Trish stomps. To the outside, to hit a punch from the apron. Coach: "Well now that Christian is out for eight to ten weeks" WHAT? Way to drop that out of nowhere. Trish tries suplex - no, Nidia small package, one two NO. Trish leisurely goes for a takedown and gets caught in a backslide one two NO. Trish misses a clothesline, inside cradle one two no. Nidia with a clothesline, and another. Whip, backdrop. Coach:Cade::Al:Nidia here, but it's less annoying. Northern Lights Suplex one two NO. Off the ropes, right into the Chick Kick. Trish recovers before covering one two three? (5:53) Trish did pull the tights there, but it's still a little surprising. Maybe Nidia is a Young Lion and Trish doesn't need her finisher yet. Coach points out the tights pull didn't matter, which is actually true because Nidia is completely out. Trish and Tomko are pretty proud

RAW in Calgary tomorrow, but that's all now.

I completely take back my mocking of "pulling out all the stops", because that was a pretty fun show.

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