by The Cubs Fan
OnlineOnslaught.com/TheCubsFan.com 

Live, it's Norfolk, VA, the Scope Arena, and long lines to get in. Are the doors even open? It's the return of the Great American Bash. Your hosts are Ivory and Todd, who will point out each and every time where they started the day, in case you get confused into watching. Get a sense of Ivory's energy level: "WOW! We don't need beaches! WOW!" GAB will be hosted by Divas in hot tubs. We apparently don't have a graphic for that, but we do have one for

Great American Bash: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs John Bradshaw Layfield for the WWE Championship in a Texas Bull Rope Match
Great American Bash: Undertaker vs the Dudley Boyz in a Concrete Crypt match
Look! It's a cement truck! oooooh no

Much to Ivory's objections, they send it to Tazz and Cole, under the promise that she'll get to continue being extremely hyper later. Tazz: "The saying is 'Virginia is for lovers', right? I'm telling you, I think those two are in love." Cole: "Well, nonetheless..." Announcers give us the stats on the cement trucks, in case you're wondering what they do when they're not learning people's move names.

Back to SmackDown! and parts of the Cena/Undertaker match. Skipping around a bit. No one mentions the taped forearm.  (7:04)

Great American Bash: John Cena (c) vs Booker T vs Rene Dupree vs Rob Van Dam for the United States Championship in a Fatal Four Way Elimination Match - The story is "what condition is Cena in?"

Josh talks Rene Dupree. Hey, Rene is celebrating GAB by wearing red, white and blue. And using double negatives. Rene makes the case he's beat RVD twice, Booker is not superior to Rene, and he can see John Cena - an American low life thug and a disgrace to the belt. The French flag in one hand, the US Title in another; Rene thinks that's a beautiful picture.

Tonight: Spike Dudley vs Jamie Noble

YJ Catfight of Thursday

The USS Constitution provides the scenery to set up different scenery
Great American Bash: Torrie vs Sable

Dawn Marie (5) has joined Ivory and Todd. Nice bikini top, nothing to say. Mentioning "divas", "bikinis", "hot tubs" again, check. Suggestive line, check. Moving on without a segue, if you're in the military you can get the PPV for free. Some how we get back to Torrie vs Sable - Dawn: "They're just all over each other." "I think I can guarantee you, the best girl will wind up on top." Ha, wit. You know, I thought Dawn was Rue when I first saw her here.

Tonight: Spike Dudley vs Jamie Noble

Great American Bash: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs John Bradshaw Layfield for the WWE Championship in a Texas Bull Rope Match

The last month of this feud. (2:34) Later on, Tazz and Cole will demonstrate a Texas Bull Rope match. Cole hypes the military getting the show for free, though they show the Tonight graphic instead.

Tonight: Spike Dudley vs Jamie Noble

1-800-Call-ATT post battle royale pointing of Thursday

Todd: "How about that Cruiserweight Division." Apparently, it's awesome. Why didn't anyone tell me? Ivory's eye brows are scaring me.
Great American Bash: Rey Mysterio (c) vs Chavo Guerrero for the Cruiserweight Championship
Great American Bash: John Cena (c) vs Booker vs Rene Dupree vs Rob Van Dam for the United States Championship in a Fatal Four Way Elimination Match

Angle and Cena and three other guys (2:42) Next, the in ring demo of the bull rope match

SmackDown! Live
06/28 Winston-Salem, NC [RWB Tour]
06/29 Fayetteville, NC [SD!]
07/03 North Bay, ON [RWB Tour]
07/04 Sudbury, ON [RWB Tour]
07/05 Kenora, ON [RWB Tour]

Great American Bash: Military Can Watch For Free
Great American Bash: Undertaker vs the Dudley Boyz in a Concrete Crypt match
Great American Bash: John Cena (c) vs Booker T vs Rene Dupree vs Rob Van Dam for the United States Championship in a Fatal Four Way
Great American Bash: Torrie vs Sable
Great American Bash: Mordecai vs Hardcore Holly
Great American Bash: Rey Mysterio (c) vs Chavo Guerrero for the Cruiserweight Championship
Great American Bash: Eddie Guerrero (c) vs John Bradshaw Layfield for the WWE Championship in a Texas Bull Rope Match

Cole and Tazz in ring to explain the Texas Bull Rope match. Rope as a weapon. Cowbell as a weapon. No pinfalls, no submissions, no DQ unless you take the rope off. You've got to touch all four corners, and they've helpfully set up lights at each corner post to indicate if the corner's been touched, and by who (red for Eddie, green for Brad$haw), although one corner doesn't work when Tazz hits it the first time. "If you momentum is stopped in any way, shape or form", you've got to start all over. Tazz says Norfolk to get cheers.

Next: Spike Dudley vs Jamie Noble

Probably shouldn't hype "World Title match for free (on RAW)!" right here when they're trying to get you to buy a PPV based on a World Title match.

Spike Dudley (150 pounds) vs Jamie Noble (Hanover, WV, 200 pounds) - Jamie's not quite looking 25% bigger than Spike. Ropes are Red, White and Blue for the occasion. Cole has been mentioning 1985 as the first GAB, and now he's doing his prepared history bit. They're giving them decent time, so we must have a skit or video package coming. Jamie's wearing the Dukes trunks. Circle. Lockup, no Jamie sneaks in a kick, right. Spike retreats to the corner and tries to fight his way out of it, only to get a gut shot. Big chop. Slam. Picking Spike up again and slamming him down again. Whip, clothesline misses, Spike with a spinning headscissors. Spike dropkicks Jamie down, and gives him the running in place stomps. Corner whip, reversed, Noble charges in to a boot. Spike charges out to the quick powerslam one two no. Jamie uses the ropes to stomp. Snap mare, kick to the back, Spike tries to lay out but Jamie sits him back up so he can get in more kicks to the back. Drop the hammer! One two no. One two NO. Jamie yells at the crowd. Short clothesline. Straight jacket chin lock. "C'mon boy! Quit!" Spike managing to stand up, so Jamie gives him a knee lift to the back. Full nelson whatever is blocked by Spike, so Jamie lets go of half to forearm Spike in the back. Trying again, but Spike slips to the mat and bodyscissors Jamie into a cradle one two NO. Jamie wastes no time delivering a knee to Spike. Slow suplex - no, Spike end up slipping behind, Jamie switches behind, Spike rushes to the ring and drops down, sending Jamie to the floor. Spike's slow up himself, and doesn't get to the ropes to check on Jamie till five. Jamie meets him there, and pulls Spike out. Crowd counts on, not realizing the count is broke, while Spike gets the better of the brawling on the outside. Noble whipped into the apron and slammed on to the mat. Spike to the apron - apron dive double stomp. Spike brings Jamie back in one two NO. Whip, reversed, Spike hits the battering ram when the director is least suspecting it. Dudley - no, Jamie reverses to a reverse neckbreaker before Spike can get running, nice. Jamie setting up for the Tiger Driver, but he's having the usual problem with the other guy being too dead to stand up for it. And then when he is, he's well enough to back drop out. Jamie holds on for a sunset flip one (Jamie hooks the middle rope) two - no, Charles Robinson caught it. And Spike didn't ever actually kick out, so Jamie probably screwed himself. Jamie tells Charles to concentrate on counting to three and forget about the rope stuff - Spike inside cradle one two NO. Jamie stops this nonsense with a kneelift. Whip, no quick reverse into a kick, Dudley Dog works. Aw. One two three. (4:13) Spike ends up rolling out near the announce desk, so he gets some dap from his ex-tag team partner.

Great American Bash: Undertaker vs the Dudley Boyz in a Concrete Crypt match
Look at the cement truck. Look at it's spout. Short and squat.

Undertaker and Paul Heyman. Watch this condescended story of the Undertaker not include any biker partners and wonder how many people out there think the guy playing the Undertaker isn't the same guy as it was. (2:34)

Backstage? In the boiler room? Somewhere, we go to a shot of Paul Bearer, tied to a chair with belts, and one around his mouth. He's trying to get out but I guess not. Oh, he stopped struggling because Paul Heyman is showing up to talking scary. "GO TO HELL HEYMAN! BURN IN HELL!"

What a nice way to go out.

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The Cubs Fan watches way too much watching television - you can read more
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