Live: Portland, Oregon (wow, that'd make a great song), the Rose Garden. Odd, we're inside for our introduction. Your hosts are Al and Coach, who immediately throw it to the graphical lineups

Unforgiven: Triple H vs Randy Orton (c) for the World Heavyweight Title
Unforgiven: Kane (w/Lita) vs Shawn Michaels

Unforgiven: Chris Jericho vs Christian in a ladder match for the (vacant) InterContinental Title. Point there, nod there.
First video package of the night far more interesting than the actual feud. Like, they actually show us the reasons why Christian may not want to do that cage match with Jericho. (2:46)
Ivory segues to the Woman's Title match in no time. BUY THE PPV NOW.

Friday, Stacy Keibler (along with someone who was actually responsible and deserving) received an award for the WWE's charity work. Balance my rudeness with Al's knowledge: "In the last 4 years, the WWE has granted 300 Wishes to the Make A Wish foundation."

With no segue, it's Diva Search time. Notice Amy has no arm problems right after her loss, though she does hold the arm and at angle on the way out. Christy is so going to win. Nothing worthwhile in the interview. Look, a car! (1:24)
Monday: Seattle Slugfest

Uh oh, two breaks and we still haven't heard about a match. This'll be quick and even more nonsensical.

YJ Rhyno and Tajiri win tonight's title shot

Ivory's not feeling enough excitement form the crowd.
Unforgiven: Tajiri and Rhyno vs La Resistance (c) for the World Tag Team Championship
I disagree with Rick; they totally should make it a LOD 2 minute or under victory for the challengers. At least it'll be a moment.
Unforgiven: William Regal and Chris Benoit vs Ric Flair and Batista

Is it really a WWE.com exclusive if we're seeing it on Heat? Todd talks to Batista and Flair, post-RAW. Batista is nearly calm. Nearly. "Drop them like bad habits" is said. "Where the hell did you get that ugly ass shirt" is said. Flair is not nearly. "Benoit's had his day - his day is over! Regal's never had his day - and he never will!" They're as or more interested in HHH/Orton as their tag match.

BUY THE PPV NOW (or go online). Oh no, still no match.

RAW Live
Monday - Seattle, WA
Friday - Bossier, LA
Saturday - Waco, TX
Sunday - Tyler, TX
Monday - Tucson, AZ 

Backstage, Lita is - eh. How can I guy that big keep sneaking up on people? It doesn't make any sense! It's really dumb to pick that out of all of this to complain about. Coach: "It appears Kane would like some action before the action."
Unforgiven: Kane (w/Lita) vs Shawn Michaels
Video Package: Kane beats Matt Hardy up a lot. It's supposed to be a recap of the Lita/Kane thing, but I don't believe they're fighting tonight either. Token footage of Shawn being laid out to make you think Kane has a hot here. (3:18) 
Coach says HBK's return is "huge", but where does it rank on the returns of Shawn Michaels?

Heat: Maven vs Rodney Mack. YES!

Back outside to Ivory and Todd and apparently no one else, from the way they're trying to hide the emptiness behind them. Todd says there are 4 world titles on the line
Unforgiven: Chris Jericho vs Christian in a ladder match for the (vacant) InterContinental Title (this is apparently a World Title to Todd)
Unforgiven: Tajiri and Rhyno vs La Resistance (c) for the World Tag Team Championship
Unforgiven: William Regal and Chris Benoit vs Ric Flair and Batista
Unforgiven: Victoria vs Trish Stratus (w/Tyson Tomko, c) for the Woman's Title
Unforgiven: Kane (w/Lita) vs Shawn Michaels
Unforgiven: Triple H vs Randy Orton (c) for the World Heavyweight Title
No bonus matches announced. Scott's going to get the long Trish/Victoria match he's always wanted, I guess.

Al and Coach talk about Eugene's demise. Clips, black and white for blood. That we're still talking about this means he's coming back at some point, no matter how many times Coach says "ending the career." (:33)

Lillian talks to William Regal. "Master Eugene suffered a dislocated shoulder, the MRI results have come back and -" oh, it's Eric. "William, why don't you put it in simple English that everyone will understand. I mean, look, Eugene suffered a severely dislocated shoulder, which is way more serious than a broken bone. I mean, a broken bone may take six to eight weeks to heal, but a severely dislocated shoulder? I hate to say it, Eugene's career is - is over." And he walks away. Lillian asks if he can concentrate. "You know, that just goes to show what pathetic cretins Bischoff and Evolution are, to take such liberty with that dear boy, shows that they'll stoop to no new lows. [?] I know that Eugene will be back, because that's just the kind of spirit he has inside, he'll fight his way back. And Eugene, I know you're at home at you're watching, and I promise you that myself and Chris Benoit will BEAT EVOLUTION WITH EVERY FIBER IN OUR BLOODY BEINGS!" 

Next: Maven vs Rodney Mack (w/Jazz)

Clearsil doesn't think Randy Orton's spit is good for your complexities.

Ivory and Todd have to point out everyone's inside, because everyone IS and they're done.

Maven (Charlottesville, VA, 230 pounds) vs Rodney Mack (Lafayette, LO, 278 pounds, w/Jazz) - your announcers are King and JR (7). King knows the IC title isn't a world Title. I'm the only person who missed Mack getting his music back. I apologize to all of you. No word on when Jazz is going to apologize for her dancing. We haven't seen Shawn Michaels in THREE MONTHS! That almost never happens. I give 100 seconds before we go to a break. Circle. Lockup, Mack with a waistlock, waistlock takedown. Front facelock, spinning around on the mat, Maven out to a hammerlock. Sign JR has nothing to talk about relative to the match: he mentions the ref is Chris Kay. Maven cranking in the hammerlock. Mack to his feet, reversal, kneelift to the side. Mack with a headlock. Maven elbows and shots Mack off, Mack back with a shoulderblock. Point, talk to Jazz, Jazz is talking to the crowd so that's not going to work. Maven with a kick, forearm. JR: "Jazz cardinally adds an element to this confrontation." What - Iron? Zinc? Bohrium? Slam. One two no. Rodney does not have a gun on his tights this week. Suplex. One two no. JR would like to talk about this match but has nothing to work with. King is skillfully going to the clichés. Kick to the ribs. Forearms to the back. Corner whip, Maven goes down. Drop the hammer! One two NO. Bearhug? No, running Maven back first in the corner. Now a bearhug. Cinching it up. Working the back with forearms.  Maven's fading, now trying to draw, now fading, slam, no. Maven lands behind, forearms to the upper back, off the ropes, into a Mack powerslam. One two NO. Bearhug. Divorce jokes. Not by Mack. That'd be pretty weird. Maven elbows out of the hug. Kick to the midsection, right, whip, reversed, fivearm. Pointing, dropkicking. Dropkick without a point. One two no. Maven gives Mack a corner clothesline, and to the second rope as Mack rebounds out. Is Jazz going to grab his leg? Guess not - second rope DDT looks hideous but I guess it counts. One two NO. Well yea, finisher or not, that shouldn't have worked. Maven off the ropes, and this time Jazz does grab him. Jazz dances again, Maven grabs her by the hair and pulls Jazz up to the apron. Jazz slaps Maven, Rodney with a waistlock rollup (not getting the tights but he wanted to) one two kicked off into Jazz, and Maven inside cradles Mack one two three. (4:47) Did Maven have the tights? I didn't think so but King did. Maven celebrates far too much for a win over Rodney Mack. Replay shows far too much of Rodney's backside than I really wanted to see, but no reason to blame Maven for it.

Hard sell for
Unforgiven: Kane (w/Lita) vs Shawn Michaels

Hard sell for
Unforgiven: Triple H vs Randy Orton (c) for the World Heavyweight Title
Orton vs Triple H (3:26)