TV PG LV CC open

One Week Ago: Coach does NOT want to be in the Royal Rumble - let's see if that sticks.

Todd: "Now Coach, I've heard rumors circulating, and I'd like you to address them if you don't mind: I have heard that you want to be in the Royal Rumble match."
Coach: "Let me put it this way, I've been talking to a lot of my friends who've qualified - the Edge's, the Christian's, the Kane's of the world - they talk about what an honor it is to be in the Royal Rumble match, why shouldn't the Coach be there as well? But I'll tell you this much, I'll have to be given a qualifying match for that to happen, and I don't think that's going to happen."
At least they explained the change of heart. What an odd selection of friends. And, hey, we still don't know who Batista is facing in his qualifying match...

ECW ECW ECW and so forth. Coach: "I do have a in with the man who runs this show" and then he wrongly says Eric. Steven yells at Rhyno to stop looking at the people chanting and look at him. Circle. Lockup, Steven with an armbar, Crank. Twist. Rhyno with a right hand, reversing the armbar and cranking it. Pounding the shoulder. Headlock. Steven tries to fight out. Rhyno shot off, back with a shoulderblock. Rhyno off the ropes, over, hiptoss blocked, blocked, and Rhyno pulls it off instead. Todd: "That's what an extra hundred pounds or so will do for you!" Or so. Steven covers up in the corner. Coach and Todd get around to mentioning the ECW chants in reference to the DVD, talking all over Steven's "what are you doing? I'm the BOSS" lecture to Rhyno. Double chest slap by Steven, and he gets in Rhyno's face some more. A slap to the face, and this is really going to hurt. Big right by Rhyno. Chop, chop, chop, whip, Steven rebounds into a backdrop. Rhyno setting up already, and crowd into it, but Steven bails out to the floor. Todd: "Steven Richards did the smart thing, which sometimes he's not known for." Coach: "He's known for doing the whiny thing, the crying thing, the 'I want to feel sorry for myself' thing." Steven unfortunately backs into range where Rhyno can pull him up and in by the hair. Steven begs off again, then tries to sneak in a punch. Rhyno catches it and punches Steven. Whip, head down too soon, and Steven kicks it. Dropkick to the knee knocks Rhyno out of the ring. Steven going to dive? Steven's hair is getting really long. Steven slides out after Rhyno, punch as Rhyno gets up, and a whip into the apron. Rhyno thrown back in, kick to the ribs. Stomping the midsection, using the ropes illegal. Standing on Rhyno is not appreciated. Rhyno tries fighting back, but he's taking a while between shots and Steven stops him with a knee. Knee to ribs, knee to the ribs, elbow drop to the ribs. Kick to the midsection. S-Factor! Perhaps you should stop talking to Choida and cover, Stevie. Oh, oh, he's going for the Gore, that's logical. Fans do no appreciate. GO-killed with a Rhyno clothesline. Coach: "That may be one of the dumber things I've ever seen Steven Richards do." Todd lets us know that he went to West Georgia - check out his old? e-mail address! Rhyno with a clothesline. Right. Right. Turnbuckle smash. Corner whip, charging shoulder to the midsection. Whip, reversed, Steven puts his head down and gets it kicked. Whip, Concrete Crunch. I think it's time? Rhyno's got a slightly bleeding nose. Yea, in position. GORE. One two three. (5:04)

Tonight: Simon Dean vs Val Venis. Oh no.

WrestleMania Recall, sponsored by Clearsil: Austin beats HBK for the title in 1998. One may note Austin did not win the title and lose it after a month before this moment. 

Tajiri (Japan, 206 pounds) vs Wavell Star (Quebec City, 225 pounds, already in the ring) - There was a press conference involving Steve Austin? You don't say. Ah, Wavell, we must be in Canada. Coach remembers painful Austin memories. Your referee is Chris. Circle. Lockup, Wavell with a headlock, Tajiri shots him off, Wavell back with a shoulderblock. Wavell is very excited to share this tomahawk chopping motion with the crowd. Circle. Lockup, Tajiri with a double leg from behind, a kick to the butt, and a mocking of the chop. Tajiri thinks ethnic stereotypes are hilarious, you see.

Todd: "I don't know if you are aware of this or not, Coach, but Jim Ross if from Oklahoma."
Coach: "Oh, is he really? I didn't know that every single week when he's wearing the cowboy hat and hear the Oklahoma Sooner theme song every time he walks out, I'm so tired of that and I might say something to him tomorrow about that."
They discuss JR Day in OK City.
Todd: "Do they ever have a Coach day in Kansas?
Coach: "Every day is Coach day in Kansas!"

Todd explains that Wavell is from Regina, which means I'm even more confused than usual on Canadian geography. Whip, hiptoss, reversed into a Tajiri hiptoss. Wavell retreats to the corner, Tajiri tires another monkey flip and gets shoved off. Tajiri charges again and gets chopped down. POSE. Todd: "...literally knocking the taste out of his mouth." Is this a Miller commercial? Choke on the ropes. Whip, back elbow. One two no. Neck vice. Todd, re one of the chokeslams on Monday: "Who knows when we'll see [Trish Stratus] again?" Oh my, they are writing her out. Tajiri elbows out, and Wavell forearms him down. Coach gave Wavell his Tajiri Beating gameplan, and that's led to Wavell getting wheel kicked in the face right now. Poor time to break that tidbit out, Coach. Wavell tries to punch and gets a boot up side the head shoulder. That'll learn him. More kicks to the shoulder, than to the legs. Wavell ends up seated in the corner, and Tajiri takes advantage with a dropkick to the nose, one two NO. Chop. Chop. Chop. Announcers are very high on Wavell. Whip, reversed, handspring elbow. Tajiri waits for Wavell to get up, Wavell misses a right hand, Tajiri waistlock, Wavell reverses into - reverse gutwrench powerbomb? One two NO. Corner whip, wacky Indian dance, charge into to the Tarantula. I guess he shouldn't dance! Let's go at 3.999. Buzzsaw Kick? Todd: "Shining Wizard" - oh no. Ducked at any rate, but Wavell stops to point at his head, so Tajiri kicks him there - reverse thrust kick. That'll do it. One two three. (3:37) Coach: "You talk about dumb-" "That looked like Steven Richards in there!"

RAW Live highlights - Minneapolis, with hometown star, uh, Shelton Benjamin. Grand Forks, ND. Orton encourages people jumping over the rail to touch people. Sorta. Winnipeg, Ontario. Chris Jericho, apparently confused, says this is his hometown. (1:19)

Next: Orton and Triple H 

Chris "the Masterpiece" Masters, the all natural man! Whatever happened to Big Jake, I ask you.

Triple H/Orton video package for the Royal Rumble. I presume they fixed Orton's wordplay in here, but I didn't watch it the first time and it's HHH/Orton so I'm not stopping to find out. (6:13)

Royal Rumble: Triple H (c) vs Randy Orton for the World Heavyweight Championship
Raw: Randy Orton vs Ric Flair
Raw: Highlights from the Stone Cold press conference

Next: Snitsky and Kane! Ah, we've reached the dead part of program

RAW Live
Monday - Oklahoma City, OK [RAW]
Sunday - Fresno, CA [Royal Rumble]
Next Monday - San Jose, CA [RAW/SD! Supershow]
Next Tuesday - Honolulu, HI [RAW/SD! Supershow]
Next Friday - Saitama, Japan [RAW Taping]

You think they're going to do Heat/Velocity tapings on those Supershows? I'm thinking not.

WWE Slam of the Week, by Subway: Kane tries to kill Simon Dean, unfortunately fails.

Your announcers are still here. And they want to talk about Kane and Snitsky. Coach: "Ever since Kane came back, we've seen a fire we've never seen before!" Wait, what? Video fails to illuminate. (5:12)

WWE Rewind, presented by Snickers: Edge with That Submission Move. 

Royal Rumble: "Find the Real" by Alter Bridge
Royal Rumble: 30 Man Royal Rumble Match. (No list of qualifiers here - we'll try it next week.)
Royal Rumble: Shawn Michaels vs Edge
Royal Rumble: Randy Orton vs Triple H (c) for the World Heavyweight Championship 
Royal Rumble: Kurt Angle vs JBL (c) vs Kurt Angle in a Triple Threat Match for the WWE Championship
Royal Rumble: Undertaker vs Heidenrech in a Casket Match

Torrie Wilson Christy Hemme is out for no particular reason. Oh, watching her shoot t-shirts into the crowd, what captivating television. Coach is appalled that we're not getting to the scheduled Val/Simon match up. Todd: "One of the most beautiful women in the world is in the ring, with a skirt that can't be more than four inches long, and is shooting her gun off." Coach says Christy does not hold a candle to the average woman in Wilbon's Coach's America. Who can make this segment even better? Simon Dean, that's who! Simon is scared of a gun that shoots T-Shirts.

Simon: "Please, put down the weapon. I'm hear to help. Now, Christy, my name is Simon Dean. And I've been watching you for quite some time on RAW. Now I've already heard that the camera adds about ten pounds. But I'm hear to say that's a lie, because standing here next to you [he's not], I can honestly say, that your butt is just as big in person as it is on TV. So here's what I suggest. I think you should take some of that money that you won in the RAW Diva Search, and buy some of my patented Simon System. Because my Simon System - yea - my Simon System can actually help you fix all of your numerous and quite obvious physical flaws, so you can become much more attractive for our viewing audience in just ninety days, guaranteed. What do you say?" 
Christy: "Noooooooo way." 
Simon: "Oh, I get it, you think you're too good, huh? You think you're too good for my patented Simon System, [approaching] is that what you think Christy, is that what you think, is that what you're going to sit here and tell me? You think you're too good-"
and there's the Val Venis music. Val's going to take a minute to get here, which would leave Simon plenty of time to do something, but actually just results in Coach doing a sexist act. 
Simon: "Now hold on a minute, Val. Now I know we have a match scheduled, come up. But I just came out here to try and help Krusty [this horribly hurts Christy], and offer her some of my patented Simon System. But Val, I'm a heck of a guy! So I'm willing to make this a two for one offer. Because, I don't know if you know this or not, Val, but as of lately, I gotta tell you, you look like-" and Val decks him before he can say Steve Austin. Hey, what luck a ref just happened to be here - but we'll take a break anyway.

Simon Dean vs Val Venis (already in progress) - As Simon is being warned by Chad, I think, we see he attacked Val while Val was waving goodbye to Christy. Back live, Val's rallied for some clotheslines. Suplex. Turnbuckle smash. Chop. Forearm. Running turnbuckle smash. Smash into the mat. Smash into the mat many times. Dean gets in a punch to turn the tide. Whip, reversed, Val knee, running with him knee, Russian legsweep. Standing over him, hip swivel pose, mounted punches. Coach: "I'm always shaking my money maker, baby boy. Just a matter of how much, how often." Simon slips to the apron and pulls out Val, but Val kicks him away into the barricade, scaring some front row people. Val up to the apron, axhandle dive misses, and Val goes hard into the barricade. Simon kicks Val's ribs, breaks the count, and whips Val chest first into the barricade. Right. Simon throws Val in, comes into cover, one two no. Talking. Stomps. Val battling up, but gets stopped with a gutbuster one two no. Snap mare, bodyscissors to war Val down. Val back elbows free, and both climb to their feet. Simon charges into a Val knee, and we get a unfavorable angle of it. Val may be more hurt on that Simon. Dean charges again into a kick, kick, kick, corner whip, Val running clothesline. Val pumped, clothesline, back elbow. Whip, spinebuster. Going up? Sure. Yea, but Simon rolls out of the way, and goes for some product. Val manages to climb down and sandwich Simon into the corner, but as Chad removes Simon's bag from the ring, Dean stops a back suplex powerbomb with a (loaded? with POWDER?) fist. Cover one two three. (4:38) Simon puts the solid object in his back pocket, and covers it up as his hand is raised. We don't get a good enough look to see if it's just brass knuckles or something more fitness related, but the replays show it's definitely - something.

RAW: Randy Orton vs Ric Flair
RAW: Highlights from the Stone Cold press conference

That's it.