Tonight: Kerwin White vs Tajiri - wait, Tajiri still works here? oh my gosh

WWE Rewind, sponsored by Wrangler, is the shocking appearance followed by the shocking turn. Whoa, those matches are going to blow.

Matt Striker (New York, NY, 237 pounds) vs Russell Simpson (Austin, TX, 205 pounds, already in the ring) - Striker is wearing all white this week. It's been so long since Matt Striker was somewhere close to D-level famous that the announcers feel compelled to mention where Striker was mentioned: "the New York Times, the [New York] Post, a UPN [let me guess, NY?] story on him"? Your ref is Chad. I've got a new rule, it's "I don't do Matt Striker squash matches". I'll do a Russell Simpson match someday, I swear. Hey, look, Maven's last finisher. I miss Maven. Hey, look, Randy Orton's previous crappy Knee DDT finisher done bad. I miss - no, I don't. One two three. (2:12) Coach has gone from skeptic to true believer in two minutes - and what's with the two minute matches this weekend? - but I feel safe figuring he'll hate him next week.

Next: exactly what you want - Masters vs Michaels

They cut every word HBK says about Hogan. Masters entrance is so great it gets clipped past robe removal. Good to know Masters doesn't find Shawn hot. Wait, there's the line about him and Hogan in the same class. I think Hogan vs Kidman is the better Millionaires/New Blood feud, but there was nothing as great as Shawn making fun of Masters pose. It was like Shawn was underestimated how much Masters was a goof until just that moment. (5:27)

RAW: Shawn Michaels vs Chris Masters in a Master Lock challenge

RAW Live
Monday - St. Pete Times Forum, Tampa, FL [RAW]
Friday - FedEx Forum, Memphis, TN [RAW Live]
Saturday - Oman Area, Jackson, TN [RAW Live]
Sunday - UTC McKenzie Arena, Chattanooga, TN [RAW Live]
Next Monday - Gaylord Entertainment Center, Nashville, TN [RAW]

Boost Mobile Slam of the Week: Carlito does not think Flair is cool. Spit. Slap. Chop.

WWE Tag Team Champion the Hurricane (215 pounds) vs Johnny Parisi (Long Island, NY, 230 pounds) - we get a really long view, but you can see they'd changed the video open to "the Hurricane, Rosey & Stacy". We don't see the video otherwise. Announcers have too much fun with the DS "Who Are You?" tag line when reading ads. Parisi has second entrance, new music, but still no video. Todd says Johnny wants more respect as a second generation wrestler. Coach mentions non-Orton and Rock second generational wrestlers, dropping Greg Valentine's name oddly - everyone else is with RAW. Parisi wants a handshake. Hurricane thinks about it. Hurricane has new purple tights. Hurricane reaches out, gets it slapped away, gets shoved, charges, and Parisi cradles him one two no. Headlock takedown one two no. Shot off, back without a shoulderblock. Off the ropes, under, scared by the Hurripose. Hiptoss, hiptoss, armbar. Todd's intent on talking about Benoit's quick win here for some reason. There are no reasons for any of this, I'm sure, but I keep noting them just in case. Corner whip, reversed, Hurricane with the kip and out except Parisi never charged, and now he's ramming Hurricane into the corner chest first. Hard corner whip. Spine kick, and another. Suplex. Your ref is Choida, by the way. One two no. Shove. Hurricane fighting up, even blocking Parisi's punches, but one knee stops him because that's how all WWE matches work. Parisi  off the ropes, and dropped by a Hurricane dropkick. Clothesline, corner whip, reverse, Parisi charges into a back elbow. Hurricane out with a bulldog headlock. Hurricane pumped up. Going up. Top rope plancha, drilling Parisi in the head with a forearm in the process. One two NO. Eye of the Hurricane? They walk thru a reversal and shove off, looking completely uncoordinated, Hurricane stops in front of the ropes, comes back (wouldn't it have been easier been easier just to bounce off them?), gets kicked in the leg and sells it like his leg has been ripped off. Parisi picks up Hurricane, who he just wanted to bend over and not die, goes for his DDT, which doesn't work because no one knows it's his DDT,  and Hurricane slips free, reversing it to the Eye of the Hurricane. One two three. (2:57) That was like a Rock/Austin WrestleMania finish if performed by the mentally challenged. Nearly THREE minutes! I guess we're getting no rest holds here to make up for it or something, but it's not making the matches not suck. I don't know what it means if I wasn't sure Hurricane was going to win this - wait, know, I does. POSE.

Next: the first ever You're Fired match, except for the other ones

Enjoy the break, Chris, you've earned it and the massive pay day they'll give you when they get desperate. (1:59)

Rene Dupree (w/flag) is dressed up pretty well to be wrestling - so he's headed to the announce booth? Rene looks like an actual human being in this suit. Unbelievably tan, though. Rene waves to his fans. So why is he here? Does anyone care?

Tyson Tomko (Jacksonville, FL, 285 pounds) vs Maurice Sean (Virginia, 205 pounds, already in the ring) - Tyson wants to know, actually. Rene says he's looking for a tag team partner, and he's thinking about Tomko. No one's going to tell me the jobbers name, so I spelled it horribly wrong. Your ref is Chris. Coach accuses Todd of not doing his homework. Lockup, Tomko pushes whoever into the ropes, and is intent on keeping him there, so the local pokes Tomko in the eye. Chris Kay breaks it up as Tomko tries to get his contact back in place, and Dupree seems to expect bad things. Tomko hands over his contact to Kay and  drives the local into the corner hard - so hard, he loses his other contact. Tomko charges in again, and eats boot. With Tomko bent over, the local opts to go the middle rope and - jump over Tomko. Huh. Tomko straightens up while the local is still looking the wrong way, and boots him in the back of the head! He's dead. That scared Dupree! Tyson yells a bunch while Chris Kay tries to remember the number for 911. Tomko goes back for more violence, and Chris realizes he's gotta stop this. (1:07) Dupree: "He's no French Phenom, but he's not bad." Dupree hits the nicknames, and lets the announcers know that his search for a partner may already be over. Lots of eye contact between Tomko and Dupree as Tomko heads up the ramp - and break.

Next: Kerwin White vs Tajiri

Cade/Murdoch vignette (:51)

Kerwin White (Palms Springs, CA, 200 pounds, in a golf cart) vs Tajiri (206 pounds) - Coach: "I don't know if Kerwin White represents Middle Class America or not." He had issues with his comments last Monday night. Kerwin's ring gear is a blue golf shirt, khaki shorts, white knee pads and white boots. He's got his wrists tied, if you're really obsessive. Announcers plug John Cena explaining how to do a body slam in the latest Maxim and there's plenty of punchlines there, make one up on your own time. The last time we saw Tajiri on this show was June 19th - week after ONS. Of course Kerwin's wasting no time fighting minorities. Oh, Kerwin has a hanger, so referee Chad can help him undress a bit more - golf shirt off, very similar green golf shirt on underneath. Kerwin uses the ring ropes to hang up his clothes, so let's see if a blue polo shirt can be used as a foreign object. Kerwin adjusts his glasses, does the Crane pose, and gets kicked in the butt. Kerwin's out to recover, and Tajiri makes fun of the Kerwin dance. Sunglasses into the crowd! Kerwin back in, kick, right, European Uppercut. Whip, Tajiri back with the spinning headscissors. Monkey flip. Kerwin begs off, Tajiri mostly ignores it, Kerwin trips him into the corner. Kicks to Kerwin's back. Boot scrape in the corner. Announcers says Tajiri had time off but won't say why - hope everything was okay. European Uppercut. One two no. Todd just realizes he forget the catchphrase. Kerwin going back for the hanger, hiding it behind his back but Jack saw it the whole way. Jack takes it back, and while he's looking the other way - even putting the blue polo shirt back in the hanger and hanging the hanger up - Kerwin takes off his shirt and chokes Tajiri with it. When he's caught, he fold his shirt and hands it off to Jack. Kerwin with stomps, and kicks to the chest. Boot rakes again. Kerwin showing three moves here. Rake caught this time, and he's thrown down by the boot. Tajiri with a dropkick to the knee, kicks to the shoulder. Whip, reversed, Tajiri back with a handspring elbow. Wheel kick connects one two NO. Tajiri with right hands. but Kerwin's stops him with an eye rake. Back to the punches and European Uppercuts. Whip, clothesline misses, Tajiri nails the reverse thrust kick. Cover but close to the ropes, one two Kerwin puts a foot on the ropes. Tajiri with a kick, corner whip, reversed, Kerwin charges in and takes the Tarantula. Tajiri has a long discussion with Jack about the legalness there and has to push Jack out of the way s Kerwin charges - shoulder to the midsection for him, and Tajiri sunset flips back in, but Chavo counters with a sit down one - Kerwin has the ropes - two three. (3:45) Tajiri can't believe it. Lots of boos. Kerwin practices his golf swing on the outside.

RAW: HBK vs Chris Masters in the Masterlock Challenge.

That's it.

We had five matches on this show? Why did we have five matches on this show? They all sucked!