Eugene (Louisville, KY, 242 pounds) vs Colt Cabana (Chicago, IL, 229 pounds, already in the ring, still Classic) - Your ref is Whatever They're Calling Mickey J. It's so bizarre seeing Colt Cabana without hearing Copacabana; if you feel the same, perhaps you should sing the song. I guess we know how big a Barry Manilow fan Coach is, because he's not singing it. Yet. Cabana gives us a big thumbs down - I think he's grading the previous segment! Stop waving at people Eugene. Coach: "Sometimes, I sit here dumbfounded." Yea, me too! Mostly about you. Coach is pointing out the impossibility of Eugene in the real world for whatever reason. Crowd chanting for Eugene, causing him to do a dance of some sort. Lockup, Colt with an armbar, twist, Colt's pretty happy about it, Eugene reveres, Colt is unhappy, reverse, into a headlock. Shot off, Eugene puts his head down too soon, Colt leapfrogs over, Eugene goes down into monkey flip position, then into a ball, and Colt's befuddled. What to do? Colt looks for help? He decides for an elbow drop, but Eugene flips out of the way. JYD headbutts, and fake peeing, great. Colt charges in to a drop toe hold, and Eugene rides him like a horse. Corner whip, Eugene charges into a back elbow. Is he bleeding? This is night of small cuts. Elbow drop by Colt. Colt smiles. Yay Colt. Suplex, one two NO. One two no. Colt kicks the ropes in frustration and argues for a faster count. Sit down on Eugene's back. Colt wipes his hand. Right. Right. Todd has a Eureka moment that Colt Cabana sounds like Copacabana. Coach: "It was a long time ago that Coach was a Barry Manilow fan - I just as soon you leave the past in the past." Wow. I don't know who to believe in anymore. Don't smash Eugene's head into the buckle, Colt! Certainly don't do it a second time! Don't do a third - oh no. YOU. Right. Left. Right. Left. Windup right. Airplane spin, setting Colt down gently so they can both spin around dizzy. Atomic drop, and Colt's hurt. Colt's clothesline misses, Eugene Rock Bottom one two three. (3:35) Nice try anyway Colt. Give him Striker's job.

Backstage, TOMKO! is lacing up those boots. Snitsky is a fan of the shininess. Tomko, trying to repay the compliment: "I like you're [thinking] [thinking] [thinking] acne." "You do? Thank you! It's a very common skin disorder." They're both stoked to face Val & Viscera. Snitsky: "Two great tastes that taste great together!" I think we need to leave now.

Later: Val & Viscera vs Tomko & Snitsky

Todd, in previewing the main event video package, claims Angle wanted the crowd "censored from saying You Suck", so he must watch a special RAW none of the rest of us see. Still, at least they realized they were morons. The video package also tried to pretend Masters, Cena, and HBK were all in the ring ready to go when Kurt walked out the first time, and leaves out the censoring, so who knows what's going on. Maybe they need to start taping RAW again so they can edit it to make sense? (1:58) Weird to hear Styles in a WWE video package, still. Give me a couple weeks.

Nick Nemeth & Kerwin White (443 pounds) vs the Heat Throbs (Panama City, 445 pounds) - Coach SINGS. "It doesn't matter if you know the words!" Coach lives by that philosophy. Chavo is wearing an orange shirt with a green shirt tied on top. Todd is more upset about notChavo than usual. Todd calls Romeo and Antonio 'as white as you can get'. Coach: "These guys are twice as dark as you've ever thought about being." Um. Okay. What Coach doesn't know is we've secretly replaced his heel Heart Throbs with special new 'by default' face Heart Throbs. (So I guess they won't be the ones beating Kane and Show for the titles, ha ha ha.) Right as Todd's about to talk about his dance training (no, really!), the Golf Buddies attack and we're off. Antonio thrown out, Romeo bat down by Kerwin in the ring, and there's tons of ring girl left around the ring. Kerwin with the shirt choke. Kicks down in the corner. Boot choke. Kerwin yanks Romeo out of the corner feet first, Romeo lands on his feet (and is proud!) Romeo ducks a clothesline, hiptoss blocked and he lands his own. Another one for Nick. All four back in. Double whip, double back elbow? Sure. Dance session as the Golf Buddies regroup on the outside. Kerwin decides the best tactic is to yell from a safe distance. Okay, everyone's settle down again. Nick and Antonio. Lockup, no, Nick with a kick. Right. Your ref is Chad, by the way. Nick working over Antonio in the corner. Corner whip, delayed charge meets back elbow, Antonio with a WOW crossbody, no cover, Kerwin comes in, and Antonio scares him away with his dance. Very Hurricane like, that. Please don't make Rosey the third Heart Throb. Golf Buddies have to regroup on the outside again. A lot of standing around and talking in Golf. Kerwin charges the ring, and takes an armdrag. Armbar. Tag to Romeo, double armbar, twisting all around, and dropping him with a double chop. Kerwin working the arm, Romeo reverses corner whip, charge into Kerwin's shoulder. Antonio argues with the ref, and Kerwin and Nemeth team up for what's basically a 3D over the top rope - Nemeth pushes down from the top rather than do a Diamond Cutter, but close enough. Nemeth tags in, and beats on Romeo till Chad is paying attention again. Cover, or not because he's Chad didn't see the tag and he's saying Nemeth isn't legal? Huh. Nemeth bodyscissors Romeo and tags Kerwin, so I guess we're good now. Kerwin off the ropes, sliding dropkick to Romeo. Kicks. European Uppermiddleclasscut. Tag to Nemeth. Rights. Coach: "I've decided to take a hiatus from the ring till after the holidays. I've got other things going on." Gotta look good for this XMas photos. Kick. Romeo trying to fight up, but Nemeth forearm shim down. Tag to Kerwin, hold for a punch. Armbar, down to the mat. Antonio trying to rally the crowd, who are still trying to figure out what's going on here. Romeo up to his feet. Romeo reaching, still a little bit away, but Kerwin lets go and shoves Antonio. Kerwin tries a slam, Romeo slips behind, Kerwin tries a clothesline, Romeo slips behind, Kerwin ends up running into Antonio's boot, and aback into a Romeo backdrop. Antonio with a clothesline for Kerwin, right for Nick on the apron. Rights for Kerwin, whip, flapjack. Punch to Nick on the apron. Antonio spazzing out, and inviting Romeo back in so they can take turns jabbing Kerwin. Kerwin's apparently bleeding from the right eye, though my tiny tiny screen doesn't show it. Both off the ropes, Nick trips up Romeo, and Kerwin gets Antonio with a flapjack. Kick (long discussion) suplex one two three. (6:48) Huh. Supposed to be a brainbuster there and Antonio was confused? Oooh, that eye doesn't look good. Coach make believes it was something more than a suplex.  

Snitsky & Tyson Tomko (585 pounds) vs Val Venis & Viscera (731 pounds) - why play Snitsky's music? Announcers go gaga about how big these guys are. Coach: "What a shock, Val gives his towel to a seven year old. Those are the only women he can get to look at him anymore." Tomko starting off with Viscera, and starting off by piefacing him. Viscera shoves In response, Tomko out of the ring. Tomko back in, and tagging Snitsky. Snitsky with a kick, slam? No, I don't think so. Viscera scoops him up and drops him down. Your ref is Choida, I think. Val in. Kicks, Chop, whip, drop toe hold by Val, elbow drop by Viscera. One two NO. One two no. Deep leg hook, one two no. Val with a chop. Right. Whip, blind tag by Tomko, Snitsky ends up catching Val with a sidewalk slam while Tomko adds an elbow driver. I'd think that's it if there weren't so much time left. One two NO. Forearms to the back by Tomko. Suplex. Pin him! He doesn't. Tag to Snitsky. Double whip, double back elbow. One two no. Slam. Snitsky right. Elbow. Coach: "I could've taken care of Funaki and Paul London and Spanky by myself, don't even worry about it." I'm more offended they don't know what Brian Kendrick's ring name is at the moment, personally. Snitsky working over Tomko with forearms, tag to Tomko. Punching and kicking his midsection. Scoop, walking. shoulder slam one two NO! Guess Tomko isn't a bulldog. Abdominal stretch! Tomko is a technical marvel. Val gets free, but Tomko stops him with a forearm to the back. Tomko shoves him into Snitsky's corner, but Val gets in a back elbow to Snitsky and a clothesline to Tomko. Can he crawl all the way over for the tag? Tomko grabs a leg and stops him, but there's the kick catch enziguri. Crawling once again - and Snitsky forearms Viscera to stop him. Snitsky scoops up Val, poses, and gets forearmed in the back by Viscera. Viscera drops Tomko with a sidewalks slam, and this match has gotten out of control. Snitsky charges right into the Viscera wheel kick, and I guess Viscera is making a hot tag with actually gotten a tag. Choida yells at him, interrupting his dancing, because he's not the legal man. Meanwhile, Val gets up, charges at Snitsky, and gets caught in a full nelson. Snitsky shoves Val forward, right into to the path of Tomko's Big Boot. (Tomko's the legal man, though Todd's lost track.) Val is dead, Tomko is covering, one two THREE. (4:39) Play his music! Wait, so Val actually never got the hot tag? Weird. These your next tag team champions? Maybe.

That's it.