by Scotty Szanto-Nicodemus
Exclusive to OnlineOnslaught.com

OK, so here’s how I’m psychic: My last recap included a UPW Heavyweight Title victory by Samoa Joe (beating Christopher Daniels in a Loser Leaves UPW match).  Then the night after I wrote that recap, I was telling a friend of mine (who is a tattoo artist) about Raven’s new tattoo of a sword across his chest and stomach.  That was Saturday a week or so ago.  Then in the mail the very next Monday was an RF Video catalogue with Samoa Joe and Raven on the cover!  The wrasslin’ gods were truly smiling on me that weekend!

For those of you that are monotheists and use capital letters when writing about deities, please forgive my non-compliance.  You see, a friend loaned Amey and I a book on Neo-Paganism, and I am about halfway through it.  I’m not trying to start a theological debate, but I am taking a stand…I won’t properly spell the words wrassler, or wrasslin’ (unless it’s the name of a promotion or federation); and so I’ve decided that I also am not going to capitalize the first letter in a deities name either…unless there is a wrassler named God or Lord on a tape that I recap someday!!

I haven’t been getting enough flame mail lately, so please email and insult me.

OK, so if there ever was going to be a wrassler named Lord Almighty debut, it probably would happen in the Incredibly Strange Wrestling promotion out of San Francisco, so let’s get to my recap of their first video release.  This is SnackDown!.

Amey and I saw ISW for the first time two years ago at the Warped Tour event in Houston.  They put on about an hour show featuring El Homo Loco, the Cruiser, and 69 Degrees.  I don’t remember who won or lost any of the so-called matches, or anything about the so-called action.  What I do remember is that they passed flour tortillas around to the crowd, and encouraged us to throw them at the wrasslers during the matches.  I also remember having a rip-roaring good time!

OK, so here’s what you need to know about ISW…they don’t just put-on wrasslin’ shows.  Rather, they share the bill with punk bands, and so the tape opens with a character known as The Snackmaster coming to the stage with a pair of allegedly sexy Catholic Schoolgirls, and they commence to eat snacks provocatively by holding them in front of their crotches, and then the Snackmaster buries his face in their crotch to retrieve the snack…I guess I should point out that the Snackmaster is dressed as a giant hot dog.  An un-named Masked Female Wrassler comes out and badmouths the two pig-tailed girls, but I can’t hear what she’s saying over the music.  She must’ve challenged them, because they’re heading to the ring!  The Catholic Schoolgirls pummel the masked luchadore, and they both sit on her and start to make-out to get the 3-count…although I don’t think there’s a ref in the ring!  Uh oh!  Here comes the Snackmaster, and he’s got a cream pie in the face for the masked luchadore!  The Snackmaster starts to celebrate with the Schoolgirls, and what do you know…the masked luchadore has joined their celebration, and all three women grind against the padded rubber suit of the Snackmaster.  As far as opening segments go, that really got the flour tortillas flying!

Macho Sasquatcho has something to say, and because he is a giant bear, the ISW crew provides captioning at the bottom of the screen!  Basically, he tells his French opponent that sometimes small creatures like frogs will make their way into the cave he lives in during the night, and sometimes he steps on them without realizing it.  When that happens, they go “Squish”, which is the same sound that the French dude’s wife makes when she’s had too much wine and cheese!  BROTHER!  He also wants to know what the French dude is going to do when the furriest arms in the world “rrrun wild on you!”

Lets get some words from his opponent, L’Empereur, who is backstage with some guy in a tux, who is the ISW version of Goldilocks.  If you couldn’t guess it, L’Empereur is dressed as Napoleon, now lets hear what he has to say:  He hates the smell of Americans, our shiny toilet paper, our boring trousers, and our white headlights on our cars…it seems that French cars have yellow headlights.  He tells us that not only will he beat Macho Sasquatcho tonight; he will make all of the ISW fans his loyal subjects.  Viva la France!!

Macho Sasquatcho v. L’Empereur.  The fans severely pelt L’Empereur with tortillas as he makes his way to the ring.  Macho Sasquatcho is about 6’6” or so, and pitting him against L’Empereur makes him look even bigger, as the Frenchie can only reach to the top of Sasquatcho’s head when he goes for a test of strength.  L’Empereur can’t get Sasquatcho off his feet, and when he comes off the ropes, Macho catches him for a big Chokeslam.  L’Empereur goes for a slam, but again can’t get the man-beast off his feet.  When they go into the corner, I notice that there is a woman standing on the apron wearing a short mini-skirt and drinking what appears to be champagne.  I’m going to assume that she is with L’Empereur, and I guess we’ll be able to confirm that if she gets involved in the match.  They lock-up in the middle of the ring, and just when it looks as if L’Empereur is going to get the best of it, Sasquatcho powers out…but the French will always cheat if given the opportunity, and L’Empereur hits him with a thumb to the eye.  He tries to ram Sasquatcho’s head into the turnbuckle, but it is blocked, and Macho returns the favor, ramming L’Empereur’s head into the turnbuckle ten times.  Actually, Sasquatcho only rams his head into the buckle six or seven times, and when he releases L’Empereur continues hitting the turnbuckle with his head until the crowd reaches ten.  When L’Empereur stumbles out of the corner, Sasquatcho is there to greet him with a Clothesline.  The ring itself is hardly even visible beneath all of the tortilla shells.  The Frenchman is sent out of the ring, and before coming back in he has some words for the lady at ringside, and also pauses for a sip of her champagne.  Back in, and L’Empereur takes control with an Armbar as the crowd chants “USA!”  The announcers explain that Macho Sasquatcho is from the mountain areas of the western United States, and so the chant is appropriate.  That’s the type of detailed storytelling that is lacking from today’s WWF(E), I am told.  Back to the match, and L’Empereur is laying some punches in on the missing link, but Sasquatcho is starting to no-sell.  L’Empereur is sent into the ropes, ducks a Clothesline, comes off the opposite ropes and walks into a Big Boot.  Actually, that was a Big Foot from the Bigfoot!  The announcers were emphatic about there being a difference.  Sasquatcho off the ropes, Big Legdrop connects, but he isn’t going for the cover.  Instead, he climbs to the top turnbuckle and goes for a Corkscrew Moonsault!  L’Empereur rolls out of the way, however, and the match continues.  L’Empereur goes to the top, but Sasquatcho shakes the ropes, and then brings L’Empereur off with a Superplex.  1, 2, no!  L’Empereur kicks out!  This infuriates Macho Sasquatcho, who backs the ref into the corner and threatens to attack him with his razor-sharp claws.  L’Empereur is back to his feet, and hits Sasquatcho from behind.  L’Empereur connects with his own version of The Stroke, but instead of going for the pin, he brings a table into the ring.  He backs Sasquatcho into the corner, but as he is going for the 10-punch series, Macho connects with a Low Blow, enabling him to carry the Frenchman across the ring and dump him through the table with a Powerbomb!  He stands on him with one big foot, and scores the 1, 2, 3.  Macho Sasquatcho scores the victory, thus saving all Americans from becoming slaves to the evil L’Empereur.

Nico After Dark v. Skitzo Mafioso.  This match also has music dubbed over it and is clipped together like the Snackmaster bit was.  Mafioso comes to the ring with a woman dressed in red leather, and he is wearing an xWo shirt…no mention from the announcers as to what the “x” stands for.  Nico is all over him to start, but Mafioso comes back with a Dropkick off the ropes and a Standing Vertical Suplex.  The lady in red made her way into the ring at some point, and when she goes for a kick on the ref, he shrugs her off and connects with a Superkick of his own!  After the match, she is celebrating with Nico, so I guess she turned on Mafioso, but because of how the match was clipped together, we missed the heel turn...not to mention the pinfall!  Mafioso takes Nico out with a Singapore Cane shot, and the ref has another Superkick for the lady in red (who, after being devastated in the ring, can be seen laughing hysterically while laying on the mat…presumably out cold).  Oh no, Mafioso has a gas can!  The ref tries to stop him from setting his opponents on fire, and receives a Fallaway Slam for his trouble.  The distraction was enough for Nico and his new female companion to make their way out of the ring, and the segment comes to a close.

Count Dante is the person that will reply to your emails if you order tapes from ISW’s exclusive distributor, OnfuegO Films (you can check them out by at the ISW website by clicking here).  He is backstage now to get some words from El Pollo Diablo regarding the hot man-on-chicken action that we will be seeing later.  Oh god.  That’s right, folks, we have finally reached to point in the recap that I said to myself, “I can’t believe I’m actually typing this stuff out!”  No captions to decipher the clucking sounds that El Pollo Diablo makes, so Dante interprets for us…tonight’s match against El Homo Loco isn’t just a wrasslin’ match, it is a Cock Fight!  Also, El Pollo Diablo plans to use El Homo Loco to turn the wrasslin’ ring into a…Cock Ring!

The tuxedo-ed interviewer from earlier is back, and he is with El Homo Loco, who wants us to know that he is not afraid of cock rings…in fact, he’s wearing one right now!  Homo asks the interviewer if he’s ever heard of Gerbling, and of course he has not, which leads El Homo Loco to describe it and tell us that tonight we will see a man shove a 400 pound chicken up his own ass!  The interviewer ends the segment with these words, “A long, dark journey ahead for the Devil Chicken.”  Actually, El Homo Loco ends the segment by grabbing the interviewer and kissing him passionately.

El Pollo Diablo v. El Homo Loco in a Cock Fight.  It looks like the cockfight is next, and El Pollo Diablo comes to the ring with two plump ladies dressed in leather, one of whom is sporting some enormous tattoos on her back.  What can I say about El Homo Loco?  He is wearing a white luchadore mask, thus the “El”, also a pink tutu with his wrasslin’ tights, which helps explain the “Homo”.  As for the “Loco” part of his name, well, he is wearing a white luchadore mask and a pink tutu to wrassle in!  The comedy starts early, as the ref puts on a vinyl surgical glove before patting-down El Homo Loco.  Naturally, Homo gets turned-on by being rubbed like that, and he pounces on the ref, grinding his ass against him.  Eventually, the match begins, and El Pollo takes control early, whipping El Homo into the corners, but of course when he turns around to ram El Homo into the turnbuckles using his giant chicken tail (once again, I can barely believe that I’m actually typing this), El Homo gets turned-on and attempts to mount El Pollo from behind.  The Devil Chicken is having none of that, and the match continues.  El Homo has a word for El Pollo’s ladies at ringside, and that word is, “Bitch”.  El Pollo attacks while he is distracted, whipping El Homo into the far corner, then coming in after him with a Shoulderblock.  A wrasslin’ move!  Woo!!  El Homo dodges the Shoulderblock, and El Pollo goes through the ropes, ramming his shoulder against the ringpost.  While he is doubled-over in the corner, El Homo attacks once again by mounting him from behind…instead of a 10-punch count along, El Homo uses a 10-thrust count along.  This is a wrasslin’ tape, isn’t it?  Broncobuster by El Homo, and he is obviously winded.  The ladies intervene at this point, and one of them grabs El Homo by the head and shoves his face into her ample bosom, while the other lady checks on El Pollo Diablo.  The ref is trying to restore order when the lady that was tending to El Pollo climbs to the second turnbuckle, and El Pollo whips El Homo into her crotch face first!  Oh, that poor fag.  El Pollo is in firm control it seems, and he connects with a Scoop Slam.  1, 2, and 3.  Huh, I guess El Pollo Diablo’s finisher is a Scoop Slam.  If you are keeping score at home, both the giant Bigfoot and giant Chicken were victorious on this night.

Dead Man Walking is backstage for a promo that is half English, half Spanish.  Basically, he is telling Dr. Loco that he is going to leave him for dead in the middle of the ring.

Dead Man Walking v. Dr. Loco.  This match is also clipped together, to the sounds of a punk band, and most all of the footage that we see is of Dr. Loco in firm control.  He even sends the Dead Man through the ropes onto the floor.  Back into the ring, where Dr. Loco regains control and scores the pinfall.  That segment was very short.

Mexican Viking and Super Pulga v. 69 Degrees.  A woman that is also dressed as a viking accompanies the Mexican Viking to the ring, and he is one of the first competitors to come out that is not wearing a mask.  69 Degrees are a boy-band tag team, and when we saw ISW at the Warped Tour, they were selling women’s panties with their picture on the crotch.  Classy.  The match starts quickly, with Super Pulga and Mexican Viking dominating 69 Degrees, who are both whipped through the ropes out to the floor.  Mexican Viking sets up near the ropes, and Super Pulga uses his partner to launch himself over the ropes onto his opponents with a Spinning Crossbody.  You know, if it wasn’t for the fans throwing flour tortillas into the ring, this could have the potential to be a good match…it also doesn’t help that I just finished watching a masked fag take-on a giant chicken!  Back to the action, and finally Super Pulga is isolated in the ring with Bad Boy Corey, who takes control of the match.  When he turns his back to dance for the crowd however, Super Pulga is waiting to greet him with a Dropkick when he turns around.  Both men make the tag, but 69 Degrees are able to duck the Mexican Viking’s attack, and hit him with a Double Clothesline in the corner, and the beatdown has begun.  The boy band is no match for the big Viking, and he comes back with Stereo Armdrags, and finally the match continues with the Viking in the ring against the guy that isn’t Bad Boy Corey…it’s hard to hear the announcers, and I’m not sure if they’ve said his name.  Super Pulga tags in, and he has some stiff chops into “the Grammy award-winning chest” of the guy from 69 Degrees.  Chokeslam!  Super Pulga off the ropes, but Corey delivers a kick from the apron, enabling his partner to take control with a Vertical Suplex.  Corey comes over the ropes with a Springboard Senton, followed by being Powerbombed by his partner onto Super Pulga.  I guess Corey must’ve tagged himself in, because his partner goes out to the apron.  Corey with a Springboard Moonsault from the middle rope, and he tags his partner in for some double-teaming.  Mexican Viking tries to come into the ring, which distracts the ref so that the double-team beatdown can continue, but when Super Pulga is whipped into the ropes, 69 Degrees telegraph a Double Back Bodydrop, and Pulga turns it into a pair of DDTs.  He immediately goes to the top and hits a Crossbody onto both of his opponents before tagging the big Viking into the match.  He’s a house afire (the announcers even called him that), and he has a Chokeslam for both of his opponents.  He then makes the cover on both of them at the same time…1, 2, 3.  Your winners are Super Pulga and the Mexican Viking.  That makes the crowd happy!

Ku Klux Klown v. The Man From M.O.N.K.  This match is also clipped together with music dubbed over it.  The Klown comes to the ring wearing a white Klan outfit and carrying a burning cross, but underneath the sheet he is dressed colorfully like a clown.  I’m not sure what M.O.N.K. means, but it doesn’t matter anyway, as the match has started!  I’m not even sure what happened in this match, except that the Man From M.O.N.K. came off the top turnbuckle with a bowling pin, and another clown joined the proceedings.  The Man From M.O.N.K. is your winner.

Chupa Suave and Risa De Muerte v. Shane Damage and ?.  This match is also featuring music dubbed over it, and Shane Damage’s partner’s name is not shown on the Chiron.  They are both wearing similar luchadore masks, and so I will just refer to him as Damage #2.  They are all over Suave, but then they attack one another!  Oh wait, I think that this is a Four Corners Match.  Oy, it’s so hard to tell what is going on!  Yeah, it must be an elimination style match, as the un-named guy takes out Suave, only to turn and walk right into a Powerbomb from Damage.  Your winner is Shane Damage, and he attacks the ref, and then leaves with the guy that I thought was his partner in the first place!  I told you that I’m psychic!!

The Poontangler v. The Cruiser in a Mud Match.  The Poontangler is a great big fat woman in black tights and a luchadore mask.  A fat guy wearing shiny pants (think of a fat Sabu…in fact they refer to him as The Sultan) accompanies the Poontangler to the ring, along with an old man wearing baby pajamas.  I hope that everyone believes me, because I am simply not imaginative enough to make this kind of stuff up!  The Cruiser is dressed in a black leather mask, a tight red shirt, and cut-off shorts that don’t quite cover all…I’m a little out-of-touch as far as gay culture goes, but my guess is that his name is referring to cruisin’ S&M bars.  Ah, San Francisco…it’s like a little slice o’ heaven right here on Earth!  So the Cruiser comes to the stage and gets on the stick: “Poontangler, everybody knows that I don’t wrassle women, but I’m interested in that son of yours, I want to fuck his ass!  That’s right, I’m gonna fuck him right in the ass!”  Poontangler jiggles her boobs for the Cruiser, who seems uninterested.  The Cruiser climbs the turnbuckles, heckling the fans, but the Poontangler sneaks-up from behind and brings him back in with a Powerbomb!  I guess we are underway.  It’s all Poontangler in the opening moments, until the Cruiser reverses an Irish Whip into the corner and follows up with a Clothesline.  Into the opposite corner, follows her in with a Splash, and the Poontangler is down.  The Cruiser climbs the turnbuckles, where the Poontangler’s “son” (the old man in pajamas) climbs up to try and stop him.  The Cruiser shrugs him off easily, and then as the Poontangler looks on in horror, the Cruiser drapes her son across the top rope and shoves his thumb up his ass!  The Poontangler attacks, and the action returns to the ring.  The Cruiser connects with an Enziguiri, which the announcers call a Dropkick, and the Sultan (who they tell us is the father of Poontangler’s son) carries the old man back to the dressing room.  Lots of Irish Whips in this match, and they trade chops in the corner, where Poontangler looks to take control with a Greco-Roman Lip Lock.  Poontangler picks him up for a Bodyslam, but when she whips him into the ropes she telegraphs a Back Body Drop.  The Cruiser goes for a Monkeyflip, but the Poontangler drops down…1, 2, and 3!  One of the announcers is convinced that the match is over, but the ref (and the other announcer) are there to tell us that the pinfall has to happen in the pool of mud that is set-up on the stage.  You did remember that this is a Mud Match, right?  OK, so speaking of the announcers, they had introduced a dj from a San Jose radio station earlier, and now is his chance to get involved.  He brings a steel chair to the ring and hands it to the Cruiser.  We are treated to three different angles of the Chairshot on the Poontangler, who is now out cold.  The Cruiser and the dj carry the Poontangler to the stage and toss her in the mud.  The Cruiser and Poontangler roll in the mud for a while, until the dj brings a table and sets it above the pool.  Poontangler laid-out on the table, and the Cruiser brings out a ladder and sets it up next to the table.  The Cruiser climbs the ladder as the Poontangler tries (unsuccessfully) to keep from laughing as she is pelted with flour tortillas.  Cruiser comes off with a Big Elbowdrop through the table for the pin in the mud.  The Cruiser is your winner, and he shares a kiss with the dj before three people in ape costumes wearing white lab coats come out and carry the Poontangler to the back on a stretcher.

This show was dedicated to the Memory of Gerry Monti, and we are out at just about an hour even.

Bands used include…One Man Army during the Snackmaster segment, the Dr. Loco match, and the Ku Klux Klown match; and The Swinging Utters during the Nico v. Mafioso match, and the Four Corners Match.

I don’t really know what I can say that I haven’t said already.  This tape had everything…Bigfoot, a snooty Frenchman, a Mexican Viking, lots of anal, and of course a Cock Fight!  On second thought, I guess this tape simply has everything for the gay men that make up a miniscule part of the wrasslin’ audience…but in San Francisco, that percentage is not so miniscule.  Would I recommend this tape to the average wrasslin’ fan?  Sure.  Here’s why: if you are like The Rick, and enjoy a luke-warm Pabst Blue Ribbon from time to time, then this tape would make a great drinking game…just drinking once for every time someone gets sodomized is enough to cause a drunken brawl in your living room by the time the tape is over!  One serious thing that I want to note is that as the credits rolled by, I spotted the name Johnny Legend, and I’m pretty sure that I recognize that name from the NWA: TNA recaps, so I wonder if it is the same guy.

All right, that’s it from me for a little while.  I hope you enjoyed this surprise recap, and now I’m taking a brief hiatus.  My wife’s high school reunion is coming up, and so we are traveling to Albuquerque, NM this weekend for a short vacation.  Albuquerque is where Amey and I met, and I lived there for a little over a year, so we are both excited to go back.  It’s been nearly five years since we’ve been there, and more than seven years since we lived there!  Once we get back home there’s a lot of random stuff that will be eating-up my free time and days off…and we are still hoping to move some time in the month of August, too!  So it might be 3-4 weeks or more before I return with another full-length recap.  Until then…

PEACE

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