by Raymond Rich and Jessica Dennis
Guest Recappers for OnlineOnslaught.com

Opening Recap Video Package
“12.3.03
NWA World Champion Jeff Jarrett makes a statement to the entire TNA company”
Jarrett gives everyone an ultimatum. “You’re either with me… or against me. The choice is yours.”

We then jump to December 17th and the Holiday Wishlist Matches. The Gathering, Julio Dinero and CM Punk, turn on their mentor Raven and con-chair-to him into oblivion to deny him his shot at the NWA World Title and his destiny. Jarrett gets his own hands dirty helping Diamond & Swinger defeat D’Lo Brown and AJ Styles. This knocks D’Lo and AJ off as NWA World Title contenders, but Simon and Swinger get their wish: An NWA World Tag Team Title shot against 3 Live Kru tonight. All the while, Jarrett recaps the repercussions on his cellphone with someone named Tom.

“…Meanwhile, at the TNA Christmas party”
In a video that aired at the end of the Christmas Eve X Division recap show, we see Goldilocks, visibly worn out, orders herself a lemon drop, when who should sidle up but everyone’s favorite TNA Management Consultant, Don Callis. Callis, mysteriously dressed up like Goldi’s beau, NWA Director of Authority Erik Watts, wants Goldi to dance, but she’s all “Ewww. Get away creep.” After comparing the power he wields with the minor responsibilities of Watts, Callis lays out the most compelling argument for a dance ever. “I’m talking about money here.” Goldi stops fighting and actually allows Callis to twirl her out at the end of his arm. She spins back in and asks “How much money?” Smell that foreshadowing… Callis is awesome in his sliminess here.

“3:50 pm Today”
It’s still technically a recap, as this was presumably taped hours ago, but we’re into fresh material now at least. Jarrett, with lackey Kid Kash by his side, is dialing up the law offices of Stenenbaum, Stenenbaum, & Stenenbaum (spelling?) on speakerphone. Jeff asks for Tom T. Stenenbaum Sr., so now we sort of know who “Tom” is. When asked who’s calling, Jarrett announces himself as “The greatest NWA World Heavyweight Champion of all time.” The secretary gives us “And THAT would be…?” Cheap gag, but Jarrett’s disgust makes it worth a chuckle.

While waiting, Jarrett gives Kash a clipboard and his mission for the evening: Signed pledges from everyone who draws a paycheck at TNA. Verbal agreements are not enough anymore. At least he’s not expecting the fans to circulate some silly petition. Jarrett lets Kash know he’ll have Abyss as back up tonight, and, in a nice nod to continuity, Kash gets all nervous about working with his former nemesis.

Jarrett indicates that papers will be served on Watts tonight, implicating the Board of Directors in some sort of vague impropriety. Tom lets us know that they couldn’t find any dirt on Watts himself, but his appointment will be called into question if the Board is brought down. All the John Grisham crap aside, there’s actual effort here to make the authority conflict feel somewhat professional.

Jarrett is giddy with joy and asks “When I accept the Mister TNA Award tonight… can I let out the big news?’ Tom replies with “Absolutely not” and talks about waiting until the time is exactly right. Hopefully, the “big news” won’t be the usual anticlimactic fare, but this would be the first of MANY loose ends tonight, and that at least shows that SOMEONE on the writing staff is giving a thought towards baiting the hook for the audience to return.

3LK Remixed
Jeremy Borash kicks off the live action by introducing “TNA Records recording artists… 3 Live Kru!” J-Dogg, piano prodigy, questions whether the “perfectly wasted” Korg keyboard is even plugged in. I know I hear a midget, but I’m disappointed I don’t see one. This whole “performance” actually isn’t as bad as it sounds, and is almost amusing in its cheesiness. Almost.

TNA Management Consultant Don Callis
NWA Director of Authority Erik Watts
Proudly Present…
TNA have remixed their theme and put together a new opening highlight reel, and the whole thing is actually pretty effective. I could do without the Callis/Watts graphic, however. It’s just too WWE right now with Bischoff and Austin over on RAW.

A New Year’s Resolution
Mike Tenay welcomes us to the show and wastes no time before hyping up Ultimate X.2, scheduled for later tonight. Jarrett’s theme plays for a full minute and a half before Tenay asks “What the hell is this?!” It’s not like he’s never heard it before. Tenay accuses Jarrett of trying to steal the spotlight from Ultimate X.2, but he IS the NWA World Heavyweight Champion, so coming out to open the show with a promo isn’t TOO much to ask I think.

Jarrett stammers through his argument as to why he’s a shoe-in for the Mister TNA Award that’ll be presented tonight. His main argument is that he punked out country “star” Toby Keith. While that’’s certainly worthy of applause, he could have listed any of a number of actual WRESTLING accomplishments to put himself over, but whatever. A “You suck dick” chant struggles to drown him out, championed most vocally by an entire section of Juggalos in Vampiro face paint. In the dim Asylum lighting, it looks like Carnival of Souls out there. Jarrett eventually stumbles his way to calling out NWA Director of Authority Erik Watts to give him the chance to step down.

Watts comes out with trophy girlfriend Goldilocks in tow. The anti-Jeff profanity quickly turns into a “Watts! Watts! Watts!” chant. Callis takes the mic, thank God, and brings the live crowd up to speed on the Tom T. Stenenbaum and Board of Directors song and dance. He tells Watts to make the wise choice and step down rather than get bogged down in a lengthy and costly legal battle. He warns Watts that “Goldilocks doesn’t work cheap,” and she makes eye contact with him for more subtle foreshadowing.

Watts quickly refuses the offer and after some lame name-calling and cheap jokes at the expense of Team Jarrett, makes a New Year’s Resolution to help “Jeffy-Jeff” lose ten pounds… of gold. Jarrett reminds us that there’s no viable #1 contender.

Cue a masked musclehead, who takes out a cameraman sneaking into the ring behind Team Jarrett. Watts tells Jarrett to “back up,” and we get our predictable surprise spot out of Double J. The masked man lays fists into the head of Jarrett while Watts knocks Kid Kash down. Callis quickly bails and Kash rolls out to join him. The masked man runs Jeff out over the top rope and pursues to pummel him on top of the announce table. He rolls Jarrett back into the ring and whips him to the far ropes, but Jarrett hooks the top rope and rolls out to retreat up the ramp with Kid Kash “holding him back.”

Flag Waving
We get a refresher of “Rowdy” Roddy Piper’s antics in TNA late last year and his crusade. “I am here to claim back NWA turf.” J-Dogg says he makes her so proud to be a Scot. While listing his many accomplishments in his NWA tenure, Piper goes for cheap laughs by alleging “I’ve been in Los Angeles and fought every Guerrero there has ever been in the hispanic community.” The short version of his rant is that the NWA has been very good to him, and he’s going to give back to the industry and redeem his misdeeds by waving his NWA flag and talking crazy or something. Hopefully, this’ll tie in to the whole Board of Directors angle.

Queer Eye for the Disco Guy
Scott Hudson is backstage with Diamond & Swinger. They generally summarize how last quarter 2003 wasn’t a great time for them and are quickly interrupted with a sarcastically golf-clapping Glen Gilberti. Yes-man David Young follows close behind.

Gilberti looks like one of J-Dogg’s old Danny Wood New Kids dolls. I mean, is he REALLY wearing a white velvet leopard print shirt? And jeans with holes in the knees? A sparkling glitter belt seals the deal.

Gilberti wants them to win one for Team Jarrett, but Diamond wants to win it for themselves. “When you guys follow my instructions one hundred per cent… good things happen,” claims Gilberti. Diamond argues that everything went south once Gilberti brought “Johnny Appleseed” on board. Gilberti makes a vague threat about having to take things into his own hands if they fail, and I think we’re about to get a Diamond & Swinger face turn out of all this. Diamond was the most charismatic here by far, but the whole promo was solid, with Young reprising his “repeat everything Gilberti says in moron voice” schtick.

Red Shirt Security (6’6” Kevin Northcutt & 6’5” Legend) & Abyss (6’8” 335 lbs.) vs. America’s Most Wanted (“Cowboy” James Storm & “Wildcat” Chris Harris) & AJ Styles (Gainesville, GA, 219 lbs.
We’re a half hour in, and this is our first match. Wow. We’ve covered a lot of ground, though, so it’s not like it was eaten up by a single 30-minute promo or anything.

Legend looks like he’s spent the holidays swilling egg nog rather than even considering doing any exercise. Our announce team remind us that AJ is a TNA Triple Crown winner, having been the first X-Division Champion, NWA World Tag Team Champion, and NWA World Heavyweight Champion. That, and AMW’s World Tag Team Title history, means this match feels REALLY lopsided, talent-wise.

James Storm blocks a right hand from Legend and hits rights of his own to drive him to the ropes. An Irish whip is reversed by Legend, but Storm takes him down with a flying headscissors on the rebound. Legend catches a superkick and spins Storm right into a spinning back kick. Another spinning kick to the face knocks Legend down for some stomps.

Storm tags BOTH of his partners, confusing the announce team as well as J-Dogg and I. AMW whip Legend into a neutral corner, then whip Styles in for a backflip off of Legend’s chest. Styles sticks the landing and charges in for an anticlimactic clothesline in the corner. That was a lot of work for so little return.

AJ whips Legend into the opposite corner. He staggers out into a double team face plant from AMW. Styles hooks the leg for a quick one count.

He pushes Legend to the ropes, but the whip across is blocked by Legend hooking the top rope. Styles continues to pull, only to have Legend reverse into a short-arm back elbow and tag in Kevin Northcutt.

Northcutt wrings AJ’s arm before pulling him in for a short-arm clothesline. AJ easily ducks it and takes a rear waistlock. Northcutt pulls out a standing switch, and now we’ve got picture-in-picture but no sound. In a Final Fantasy IX-style Real Time Event, Kid Kash accosts Sara the Ticket-Taker, getting her to sign off as loyal to Jeff Jarrett.

Meanwhile, Styles struggles to get free of the rear waistlock. He runs towards the ropes and ducks, causing Northcutt to tumble out to the floor at the base of the ramp. Legend runs in, bouncing off the ropes, but Styles pulls down the top rope for a low bridge, and he joins his partner outside.

AMW climb into the ring. Chris Harris whips James Storm across and backdrops him into a plancha onto both Red Shirts. Harris then climbs up to the top and waits for them to recover before leaping into a cross body onto both of them as well.

Referee Rudy Charles drops out to try to get AMW and the Red Shirts sorted out, leaving Abyss unattended. He runs in, hitting AJ Styles across the back with a forearm. He whips AJ across, but AJ hooks the top rope with his arms to avoid a big boot. Abyss charges right into a rope-assisted huracanrana that sends both tumbling to the floor near the announce table.

Legend staggers in the ring. Storm drops him with a flying forearm. Northcutt slides in and whips Storm across the back with his belt. I didn’t see the black belt against the dark crowd background at first and thought Storm gave us the biggest oversell ever as Northcutt didn’t touch him. Storm drops to his knees, and Legend comes off the ropes with a boot to the face.

Referee Rudy Charles finally returns, so Northcutt ducks back to the apron and hides the belt by putting it back on. Legend takes a blatant choke for a bit before dumping Storm out near the announce position. He taunts the faces to draw them in, causing the referee to hold them back, and leaving Northcutt free to get more lashes in on Storm. What is it about America’s Most Wanted that makes their foes want to strap the shit out of them? I don’t get it.

Abyss drops down to join in the free licks, hitting Storm in the back of the head. AJ gets around the referee to drive Legend to the ropes with right hands. Rudy Charles ushers AJ back out as Abyss rolls James Storm back in. Legend tags in Northcutt and holds Storm open for a kick.

Northcutt whips Storm into a neutral corner and charges in after him. Storm brings his boot up to block and pulls himself up to a seated position. He hops off for a tornado DDT, but Northcutt reverses into a pretty cool release northern lights suplex into the corner. He drags Storm out by the foot and takes a lateral press for 2.

He drags Storm by the hair towards his corner. Storm struggles to pull free, but Abyss makes the tag. Abyss stomps Storm down then whips him into a neutral corner, charging in close behind with an avalanche. Abyss punches Storm in the back of the head before whipping him into the ropes. Storm gets caught and pressed overhead. Abyss simply walks out from under him and flexes. A lateral press gets an easy 2 for Abyss before “Wildcat” Chris Harris breaks the pin up with a stomp.

Abyss tosses Storm out. Legend whips him some more, then rolls him in and covers for 2 despite the absence of a tag. Legend seats Storm atop a neutral corner and makes sure he stays there with fists to the head. Storm blocks the middle rope superplex with rights to Legend’s ribs. Legend charges right into Storm’s boot. James Storm hooks him into an inverted facelock for a tornado reverse DDT.

We get a brief count for both men being down, but “Cowboy” James Storm is able to dive to make the hot tag to his partner Harris. Legend tags Northcutt, and Harris ducks the onrushing clothesline from the big man. Harris and Northcutt trade punches. Harris ducks another clothesline, snaring the arm for a full nelson slam. He ducks a clothesline from Legend. Both men bounce off the ropes, but Harris scores with a leaping clothesline. Abyss runs in, and Harris ducks HIS clothesline as well. They should try to mix up their offense, I think. Harris bounces off the ropes and puts on the brakes before a telegraphed backdrop from Abyss. “Wildcat” kicks ManKane in the face and ducks ANOTHER clothesline to hit a Thesz press and pummel Abyss until the Red Shirts attack and pull him off.

A double Irish whip sends Chris Harris to the ropes. He predictably ducks the double clothesline. AJ Styles springboards off the top with a dual dropkick on both Red Shirts. AMW then clothesline Legend and Northcutt out over the top rope. Styles runs and hits a soooo pretty somersault plancha onto Red Shirt Security.

Abyss is in with both members of AMW around the throat, one in each hand. They block the double chokeslam with a pair of boots to the groin, then double Irish whip Abyss into the ropes for a double flapjack. AMW measures Abyss for The Double Spear, but Red Shirt Security trip them up when they go to the ropes for momentum. The Red Shirts drag AMW out and resume whipping them with their belts.

AJ hits a DDT on Abyss and hooks the leg, but Referee Rudy Charles is out on the floor trying to sort out the Red Shirts and AMW. Storm whips Legend into a spear from Harris, then ducks a Northcutt clothesline to hit a superkick on him. Now it’s AMW’s turn to whip the Red Shirts with the belts. Storm even changes tactics, choking Northcutt with his own belt.

AJ, having given up on the pin, looks out over the ropes. Abyss hooks up a release German suplex, but AJ lands on his feet behind him. Abyss flexes, oblivious, and turns into an enziguiri kick. AJ sets Abyss up for The Styles Clash, but can’t get him up from the standing headscissors. Jeff Jarrett slides into the ring and bounces off the ropes to very gently paste AJ across the face with the NWA World Heavyweight Title. Abyss hits a convincing Black Hole Slam on AJ and hooks the leg for 1-2-3.

Winners: Red Shirt Security & Abyss (Abyss over AJ Styles)
Grade: C, adequate but hardly memorable

Trinity: 2003 TNA Babe of the Year
We get a short video tribute to Trinity, hyping her ten-year career in stunt work and her role as Elektra’s stunt double in Daredevil. We see her driving, falling, running around on fire, etc. This quickly turns into an ad for the 2004 TNA Swimsuit Calendar.

Scott Hudson wants Trinity to comment on her award, but Sonny Siaki quickly interrupts with griping, claiming HE should have been Babe of the Year (?!). Kid Kash saves this, seeking signatures for his “Loyalty of Oath Contract.” Siaki reveals he’s “been advised not to sign anything.” Both Kash and Trinity want to know who’s advising Siaki. Piper? No. Hart? No. Watts? No.It’s none of their business, he says before heading off. Kash tries putting the moves on Trinity, but it backfires, causing her to walk away without signing.

Butt-Shaking Bumper
This would be our only glimpse of the TNA Cage Dancers tonight. Enjoy it.

Diamond & Swinger (Simon Diamond & Johnny Swinger, New York) vs. 3 Live Kru (BG James & Ron Killings w/Konnan) NWA World Tag Team Championship
Before the match we get another look at Diamond & Swinger defeating D’Lo and AJ to win their Holiday Wishlist Match. Our Tag Lines:
“Diamond & Swinger won Holiday Wishlist Match”
“3 Live Kru’s Second Title Defense”
“Can Former Champs Regain the Tag Titles?”
Mike Tenay calls the 3 Live Kru theme their new hit single. Single? Is it really available in that format?

James and Killings play to the crowd, leaving themselves open to an ambush as Diamond and Swinger hit them with forearms from behind. Swinger tosses Killings out while BG James battles off the ropes with rights. Johnny Swinger hits him in the back with a forearm, giving Diamond the opening to hit some right hands and whip BG across.

BG James ducks a clothesline. He hits a left… a left… a left… some awkward breakdancing… but Simon Diamond ducks the telegraphed right hand, leaving Johnny Swinger to take it instead and get knocked off the apron. BG turns around and eats a Simon Diamond superkick. Simon hooks the leg for 2 before BG gets his shoulder up.

Tag to Johnny Swinger. Diamond & Swinger double Irish whip BG. Simon catches him in a side slam, Swinger hooks up a reverse DDT on the way down. Time for another Real Time Event inset. This time, it’s “Prime Time” Elix Skipper talking to “The Fallen Angel” Christopher Daniels. Daniels makes the Triple X gesture, giving Don West a brain aneurysm, but we’re still without sound, so we don’t know EXACTLY what’s going down, but the gist is Skipper wants to get the band back together despite Daniels and Low Ki facing each other in Ultimate X.2 tonight.

After the side slam/reverse DDT combo, Swinger takes a lateral press for 2. He throttles James with a blatant choke then tags in Simon Diamond. Swinger holds BG in a front facelock for a Simon forearm across the back. After more forearms, BG tries to fight back with rights to the ribs. Simon stops this flurry with a knee to the midsection, then rams BG into the turnbuckle before tagging Swinger back in.

Simon holds James in the corner with his shoulder for Swinger to kick his ribs. Swinger uses a snap mare to bring James out of the corner and pulls at his face. The double team continues after another quick tag with both men laying the boots into BG James in their corner.

A double Irish whip sets up a weeeak double kick to the midsection that sets up a double flatliner, but James elbows out and ducks a double clothesline, coming off the far side with a sloppy dual clothesline. That whole sequence was just bowling shoe ugly. BG makes the hot tag to “The Truth.”

Killings ducks a Johnny Swinger clothesline. Right… Right… Right… drives Swinger to the ropes. Ron whips him across. Swinger ducks his clothesline but gets caught in a sweet powerslam. Killings pops up and blocks a right hand from Simon. Right… Right… whips Simon across for a twisting flying forearm. A kick to the gut doubles Swinger over. Killings backs into the ropes then hits his axe kick with a twist.

Before Killings can make a cover, David Young is out here as a distraction. Simon forearms Killings from behind. Young slides into the ring and sparks immediate protests from Simon Diamond. A brawl erupts on the floor with BG and Swinger trading punches and Konnan coming out of his seat to brawl with Glen Gilberti.

Diamond hits some boots in the corner on Killings. He whips “The Truth” across to the corner and charges in, but Killings pulls out a rope-assisted leapfrog into a back handspring and a James Brown split to duck a David Young clothesline that levels Diamond. Killings hits a jumping calf kick on the shocked David Young. A boot to the gut doubles Simon over. Killings hooks up a front facelock and lifts him into an X-Factor, hooking the leg for 1-2-3.

Young dresses Simon down for getting pinned, even throwing his dress shoe at him (?!). Simon blitzes him from behind with a clothesline and barrages him with right hands. Gilberti and Swinger pull Simon away only to have David dive onto him. While they get separated, Kid Kash comes out to intimidate Tiny the Timekeeper into signing his “Loyalty of Oath Contract.”

Winners: 3 Live Kru retain (Ron Killings over Simon Diamond)
Grade: B, somewhat spotty, but an entertaining pit stop in the road to Diamond & Swinger vs. Gilberti & Young

TNA Goes International
Armando Quintero introduces us to IWA: Puerto Rico and Mexico’s AAA promotion, who are apparently going to exchange talent with TNA. Sounds good to me. We get glimpses of Juventud Guererra, Michael Shane, David Young, and Jeff Jarrett in action as well as a cool hexagonal ring, something that looks like El Chupacabra, a fat Jason Voorhees (El Jasono Gordo?), and La Parka or someone trying to look like La Parka.

Black Shirt Security on the Scene
When we return, Kid Kash is busy slapping Tiny. I suppose Tiny is responsible for the incessant bell-ringing that accompanies every run-in in TNA. If that’s the case, Kash should slap him again.

Payback is One Word
We cut to Scott Hudson in Raven’s lair. Hudson’s bald dome almost looks menacing in the dull red light. He wants to know who Raven’s partner is tonight against his former associates, The Gathering. Raven responds cryptically (would you expect anything else?). “I may have a partner. I may not have a partner. All you need to know is that I have two words for you… Pay back. I think you hear me knocking. I think I’m coming in. Quote the Raven… Nevermore.”

The Match That Should Not Be
We cut back to Kid Kash and Chris Vaughn, now in the ring. After getting Vaughn to agree to sign, Kash gives him the clipboard and turns his back to taunt the other Black Shirts. Vaughn measures him and hits him with a series of “devastating” clipboard shots. He rips up the papers and knocks Kash to the ropes with some rights. He whips Kash across, but makes the rookie mistake of telegraphing the backdrop, so Kash makes him eat boot.

Kicks to the legs soften Vaughn up for a clothesline. Referee Rudy Charles runs in to get promptly shoved down by “The K-I-D.” Vaughn unloads more rights, making Tiny go nuts. He whips Kash across and scores with a clothesline, actually forcing Kash to beg off.

Vaughn gives him no mercy, hitting another right and another Irish whip. The backdrop gets slightly better results the second time around, with Kash reversing into a sunset flip, but Vaughn sits down and straddles him to fire off more right hands. Vaughn goes for a vertical suplex, but Kash drops out the back.

A kick to the gut doubles Vaughn over and sets him up for Kash’s fisherman’s suplex into a backbreaker. Kash rubs Vaughn’s face into the mat until “Heavy D” Don Harris rolls into the ring. Harris ducks what would have been a… handful of papers shot from Kash (?!). Don comes off the ropes with a Mafia kick. He whips Kash into the ropes and catches him in a tilt-a-whirl side slam, kind of a half H-Bomb. He puts Vaughn on top of Kash and Senior Official Rudy Charles counts a 1-2-3. We’re led to believe that somewhere along the line this became an actual match. A no-DQ match, given the interference from Harris, I guess. An approximation of “War Pigs” plays Heavy D and the other Black Shirts out.

Winner(?): Chris Vaughn
Grade: F, absurd overwrought filler

Quote the Gathering
Scott Hudson’s in the back with The Gathering now. Julio Dinero generally disrespects Hudson, but leaves the actual promo content in the capable hands of CM Punk. He promises a counter-surprise to Raven’s surprise. “Quote The Gathering… Nevermore.”

Raven vs. The Gathering Recap
We get highlights of Raven’s lost Holiday Wishlist Match with focus on CM Punk’s elbow drop off the top of the cage, crashing Abyss through two tables and The Gathering’s traitorous con-chair-to. After TNA went off the air on the 17th, Julio sent a message. “And there’s a lesson learned, Raven. It’s loyalty. You didn’t have it… and you sure as hell don’t deserve it.” CM Punk chimes in with “The NWA World Heavyweight Championship and your destiny… is nevermore.”

The Gathering (CM Punk & Julio Dinero) vs. Raven & ?
The Sandman stands in the crowd, revealing himself as Raven’s mystery partner. The announce team remind us of the bitter irony in this as Raven choosing to tag with Sandman rather than either Punk or Dinero helped cause this rift with his former followers.

Punk and Raven stand nose-to-nose. Punk slaps Raven. Raven blocks a right hand and pie-faces Punk then gives him a slap of his own and a slap for Julio as well. While The Gathering hold their cheeks in pain, Raven and The Sandman take gulps of beer and spit them on their foes.

Sandman whips Julio to the ropes and catches him on the rebound with a standing dropkick. Raven kicks a field goal between Punk’s legs. An Irish whip is reversed, then re-reversed into a teased Raven Effect DDT, but Punk pushes out and bails. Out on the floor, Julio is still selling the beer in his eyes while Punk is holding his yambag.

Sandman drinks some more, smashing the can against his head and spraying beer everywhere. Time for another Real Time Event, this time with Elix Skipper and Gollum, er I mean Low Ki doing squats. Ki does the Triple X gesture as well and storms off.

A collar-and-elbow tie-up between Raven and Julio starts things off proper. Raven easily muscles Julio to the corner and hits some rights before stomping a mudhole in his ex-protégé. Raven is fired up and trying to get the crowd likewise. He pulls Julio up by the hair and whips him to the ropes for a drop toe hold that sets him up for a top rope leg drop from The Sandman.

No tag, but whatever. Sandman puts Dinero in the corner and hurts his own palms with some open hand chops. A front suplex puts Dinero on the ropes. Sandman climbs up and leaps off for a leg drop across the back. A body slam puts Julio in position on the mat. Sandman goes out to the apron, but Julio dodges the slingshot leg drop.

Sandman puts Julio back in the corner for another open hand chop, then whips him across to the opposite corner. He charges in with a running elbow smash. Sandman hits some southpaw lefts to knock Julio down. He goes back up top, but Julio rolls out of the way of the senton bomb and tags out to Punk.

Punk immediately goes up top for a missile dropkick. He scrapes Sandman’s face with his boot heel, taunting Raven. Some knife-edge chops and a hard right allow Punk to throw Sandman into The Gathering corner. Now it’s Punks turn to stomp a mudhole. He walks it dry by repeatedly scraping his boot across Sandman’s face. Punk backs into the ropes and no-sells a Raven forearm from the apron, coming off in a baseball slide into The Sandman.

Dinero tags in. Punk whips Sandman across and drops flat for a Julio dropkick. Julio hooks Sandman’s leg for a quick 1 then straddles him, firing off rights until Raven boots him off. Julio drops a knee on Sandman and brings him up for a right… a left… a left… a left… juking and jiving (?!)… roundhouse right drops The Sandman. Julio hooks the leg for 2.

Sandman tries fighting back with elbows and fists, but Julio ducks a wild swing and hooks up a sloppy uranage/legsweep move. He tags in CM Punk, who comes off the top with a leg drop. Punk comes up holding his leg in pain, so he quickly tags back out to Dinero. Dinero scores with a moonsault, but aborts his cover before even the 1, tagging Punk instead. Sandman dodges Punk’s corkscrew senton off the top and makes the desperation tag to Raven.

Raven comes in a nest afire. A right for Punk… A right for Julio… Punk… Julio… A knee lift for Punk… A knee lift for Julio. Raven tries whipping Punk into Julio in the corner, but Referee Andrew Thomas finds himself sandwiched between the two Gathering members. Raven scores a superkick on Punk nonetheless. Raven runs in for a clothesline on Julio in the corner into a bulldog/clothesline on Punk combo. Nicely timed without being overly choreographed.

CM Punk begs off until a mysterious hooded figure appears. With all the juggalos in the house, my money’s on Vampiro. Raven has Punk in the corner and is up on the middle rope, holding Punk under his kilt (?!) and hitting him with right hands while the hooded figure sprays a towel with some ether or chloroform type chemical. A forearm knocks Julio off the apron, and Raven knocks Punk away with a right hand, but he leaves himself open to getting grabbed from behind by our mystery man. The hooded figure smothers Raven with the towel, leaving him gasping and staggering into CM Punk and his own Raven Effect DDT. Referee Andrew Thomas revives in time to count the 1-2-3.

Sandman’s late on the save with his trusty Singapore cane, giving shots to both Punk and Dinero, who promptly bail. The hooded figure stands with them on the ramp and reveals himself to be none other than Father James Mitchell. Bwahahaha! Good thing I didn’t bet on Vampiro like I was going to.

Winners: The Gathering (Punk over Raven)
Grade: B+, some botched work, but a fun brawl with some good spots

Up the NWA Political Machine’s Rear End?!
Scott Hudson is backstage with The New Franchise, Shane Douglas, Michael Shane, and Traci. Michael is manic, even interrupting Douglas to crow about his achievements. Douglas takes charge and bemoans “the NWA political machine.” He reminds us of the conspiracy to hold him down in NWA in his own youth and warns Michael Shane about being victimized by the same in a high risk X-Division title defense against three men. He wants Michael Shane to stick it up their asses and offers some advice for Ultimate X.2: Let Low Ki and Christopher Daniels beta the hell out of each other and concentrate on Ultimate X.1 veteran Chris Sabin. He fires Michael Shane up with a pep talk and promises to be watching.

Mister TNA 2003 Awards Ceremony
We cut back to the ring where Mike Tenay is with Erik Watts and Goldilocks to present the Mister TNA 2003 Award. The five nominees, including Sting, Raven, Dusty Rhodes, Jeff Jarrett, and AJ Styles were narrowed down to just Jarrett and Styles through the time-honored and trusted method of internet voting. We get duelling insets with AJ Styles pacing on one side and a confident Jeff Jarrett with Don Callis, Red Shirt Security, and Abyss in the other.

There’s a strong “AJ!” chant, and Tenay takes way too much pleasure in announcing Styles as the winner. Styles is the quintessential gracious winner, kissing fan ass until Jarrett and company come out, making some mystery cowbell noise. Jarrett yet again goes over his accomplishments: Destroying the Tennessee Titans (cheap heat since they’re still in the playoffs), Toby Keith, Vince Russo, Dusty Rhodes, and going all the way to Japan to El Kabong the immortal Hulk Hogan.

Despite the overwhelming certainty of internet votes, Tenay wants to settle this the old school way, the NWA way, and have AJ take on Double J, winner take all. Since when does Tenay book matches? I suppose Watts could green light it, but whatever. Jarrett quickly takes the NWA World Heavyweight Title off the table, but offers up a title shot if the team of AJ Styles and Erik Watts can defeat him and his partner Abyss next week. Buuuut, if Jarrett’s team wins, Watts is gone. Before he can consider this, Goldilocks answers for her man, saying “You got it… Bitch!” Ah… the jezebel sows the seeds of betrayal.

With next week’s main event set, we cut to an ad for the 2004 TNA Swimsuit Calendar featuring Trinity and Goldilocks, who doesn’t look nearly as cracked out as she does currently. Don West does what he does best, shilling merchandise from the announce position. He and Tenay also run down next week’s card.

Next Week:
Simon Diamond vs. David Young with Special Guest Referee Glen Gilberti
America’s Most Wanted vs. Red Shirt Security in a Rawhide Whipping Match (ah, it all makes sense now)
AJ Styles & Erik Watts vs. Jeff Jarret & Abyss: World Title shot vs. Watts’ job

Ultimate X.2 Hype
Time for Ultimate X.2, but first all the participants get to sound off one at a time. X-Division champ Michael Shane claims to OWN Ultimate X after winning the first and only one. Low Ki gives us his usual spiel, “It is not the size of the fighter, but the size of the fight he will bring” and “Tonight, all you can do is be ready.” Chris Sabin does his best, but his heartfelt childhood dreams stuff is falling flat as are claims of “I never pinned. I never submitted.” in Ultimate X.1. Christopher Daniels goes last, and with good reason, as his promo is the best by far. He questions how much the others would be willing to sacrifice to hold the X-Division Title, a title he has never held. He almost took out Low Ki permanently just for a chance at it. He spilled a pint of his own blood after that brutal bump against the ring steps last month. He says the title is his tonight, and “All you can do about that is say your prayers.”

“Four of the most amazing athletes in the world”
“are about to show you
” “the lengths they will go”
“to be the X-Division Champion of the world”
“The time has arrived”
“The wait is over”
“What makes TNA different from the rest?”
“Welcome to”
“wrestling reinvented.”
“Welcome to”
“Ultimate X.2”

Our X Factors:
“TNA’s Innovative, High Risk Creation is Back!”
“One Champion… Three Challengers”
“Capture the Belt to Win the Gold”

Ultimate X.2: Chris Sabin (Detroit, MI, 216 lbs.) vs. Low Ki (Brooklyn, NY, 202 lbs.) vs. Christopher Daniels (The City of Angels, 212 lbs.) vs. Michael Shane
If you’ve never seen Ultimate X.1, the concept is simple. Tall lighting trusses are attached to the outside of the ring posts, about fifteen feet tall. Cables are run, corner to corner, forming an X. At the center is hooked the belt. First to get the belt wins, provided it doesn’t keep falling off as in Ultimate X.1.

Tenay claims that Ultimate X is the most innovative match since the ladder match. He says the ladder match was made famous at Wrestlemania X with Scott Hall and Shawn Michaels (I was there!). He asks us to consider the irony that Shawn’s cousin Michael Shane is now making Ultimate X famous. Considered.

Low Ki and Michael Shane immediately begin to climb, but are pulled down by their opponents. Daniels and Ki exchange blows in one corner while Sabin pulls Shane out for an Irish whip. Shane reverses and throws Sabin up in a backdrop, but Sabin lands on his feet and pushes Shane into the ropes for a huracanrana.

Meanwhile, Daniels and Ki have traded places. Low Ki drops Daniels with a knife-edge chop and begins stomping him down. Sabin charges Shane in the corner, only to get backdropped face-first into the top turnbuckle. Low Ki and Michael Shane trade chops for punches until Low Ki hits the Mongolian chop to knock Shane to the ropes. A running clothesline sends both men tumbling to the floor.

In the ring, Daniels hits a jumping calf kick to drop Sabin. Low Ki hits Shane with another Mongolian chop at the base of the entrance ramp. Daniels scores a right on Sabin, then a knife-edge chop, and a head butt. He whips Sabin across, but Sabin hooks the top rope with his arms to avoid a clothesline. Daniels charges and gets backdropped over the top rope, but lands on the apron. He hits a forearm to the back of Sabin’s head and knocks Low Ki away with a kick.

Daniels slingshots himself to a seated position on the middle of the top rope, but Michael Shane hooks him around the calves. Chris Sabin slides through Shane’s legs to pull at Daniels’ arms, putting “The Fallen Angel” in a modified bow and arrow position. Low Ki interjects with a snap kick to Daniels’ ribs.

Sabin and Shane end their teamwork. Sabin tries a back suplex on Shane, but Shane flips and lands on his feet, scoring a rear waistlock. Sabin gets a standing switch, but Shane elbows out and runs to the ropes. Low Ki reaches in from the floor to trip Shane up and drag him out. The two proceed to trade punches out on the floor. Sabin runs to the far ropes and sprints into a somersault plancha onto both, earning our first replay of the match.

Daniels reverses an Irish whip from Low Ki, sending him into the railing. On the other side, Sabin also Irish whips Shane into the railing, then runs Shane face-first into the steel cable support. Daniels fetches a table from under the ring while Michael Shane folds up a chair.

Shane slides into the ring with the chair, but Sabin is there waiting on him. Sabin runs to hop on the middle rope and springboard off in a leg drop that drives Shane face-first into his chair. Tenay starts babbling on commentary, bringing up some “no ladders” rule that West tries to wrap his brain around. Sabin hits some rights on Shane and tries a kick, but Shane catches the boot and ducks the ensuing enziguiri. He spins Sabin around for a rear waistlock, but Sabin elbows out and hits a forearm. He whips Shane across, telegraphs the backdrop, and eats a boot to the face and a clanging chair shot.

It’s apparently taken this whole time for Daniels to set up his table at the foot of the ramp. He picks Low Ki up onto the apron and calls out for The Angel’s Wings. Even a forearm across the back can’t get Low Ki up as he tangles himself in the ropes. He tries going for his Ki Krusher, but Daniels also holds the ropes. The two former Triple X members trade chops on the apron. Low Ki hits a kick, Daniels an elbow, and Shane charges them, knocking Ki hurdling over the table. Daniels drops down, hanging Shane throat-first on the top rope.

Daniels springboards off the middle of the top rope, making a mad grab for the belt and falling far short. He tries it the old-fashioned way and goes hand over hand down the wire. Michael Shane drops him in short order with a waffling chair shot across the back.

Shane tries another innovative tactic, setting his chair up under the belt and trying to reach up for it. He is also resigned to the old-fashioned way and goes hand over hand down the cable. Tenay confesses utter confusion at the legality of using a chair in that way to get the title. Referee Mike Posey doesn’t seem to have a problem with it, and “The Professor” is really getting on my nerves with his ignorant overanalysis. Get the belt and win. It should be simple. If something’s not allowed, the ref will let us in on it.

Shane makes his way towards the belt, but Daniels is on the chair, grabbing at his legs. Shane can’t hold on, and pulls Daniels off the chair in a huracanrana. The chair’s all bent to hell now, and probably poses a danger to everyone around it.

Low Ki is in with a kick to Shane, who surprisingly no-sells it and promptly tosses Ki out to take a wicked bump with one leg bouncing off the table. Shane’s back up to climb, but Daniels knocks him clear off the top turnbuckle with a right hand. He wisely tosses the busted chair and fetches a fresh one, setting it under the belt. He bounces off the ropes, trying to use the chair to springboard up and grab the belt, but to no success.

Daniels tries again, but doesn’t see Low Ki slide in and springboard off the middle rope to catch Daniels inmid-air with a spinning heel kick to the ribs. That’s worthy of both the resultant “TNA!” chant and replay. Low Ki comes up holding his thigh, and he could be selling any number of spots thus far or legit hurt. He rams Daniels face-first into the seat of the chair and uses a Mongolian chop to the back to keep him there. He stands on Daniels and tries balancing on the back of the chair, but Sabin rushes in to hit a sweet shining wizard off of Daniels onto Ki. Replay that, please. Thank you.

Shane’s back in and clotheslines Sabin, causing him to roll back out. Ki and Daniels are trading chops until Shane approaches with the folded chair. They stop him with a double superkick and a double knife-edge chop. Together, they whip Shane chest-first into the corner. The announce team draws attention to the sudden and tight teamwork of the former members of Triple X. Daniels puts Shane in a seated position on the top turnbuckles. Low Ki hooks up a hanging dragon sleeper on Shane. Sensing opportunity, Daniels begins to climb and goes hand over hand down the cable. Ki releases Shane, shows amazing abdominal strength by just sitting up and double times it down the cable, also hand over hand.

Ki, hanging from the cable, hits a kick across the back of Christopher Daniels. That fails to drop him, so he hangs from one hand and hooks up a dragon sleeper with bodyscissors. Daniels finally drops, but Ki can’t get both hands up on the cable now. Sabin springboards off the middle of the top rope with a dropkick to knock Low Ki off the cable. We get a replay of that, and now Shane Douglas is coming down the ramp with a ladder and Traci.

Elix Skipper is out to intercept and sends Douglas fleeing with forearms to the face. Douglas and Traci hightail it with Elix in pursuit, but the ladder is left behind. In the ring, Sabin has Daniels in an over-the-shoulder backbreaker that he spins into a facebuster on the chair. Michael Shane is fetching the ladder, so Sabin tries a baseball slide dropkick into it, but Shane dodges and Referee Mike Posey gets taken out on the floor. Shane hits Sabin with the ladder then slides it in to set it up under the belt.

Ki runs and kicks the ladder into Shane, knocking him into a corner. Ki gets to his feet, still wincing and holding his leg, but manages to pull out a cartwheel. Instead of hitting the rolling koppo kick, he gets blasted in the throat with The Sweet Shane Music superkick.

Shane sets up the ladder and begins to climb. Christopher Daniels cuts him off with forearms to the back. Shane tries elbows. More clubbing forearms from Daniels help set up a uranage off the ladder. Tenay calls it “his own version of The Rock Bottom.” That gets a replay.

Low Ki kicks Sabin, hits a knife-edge chop, and a Mongolian chop, but his leg buckles when he goes for The Ki Krusher. Sabin stomps Low Ki down and climbs the ladder. Ki hits a STIFF kick to the leg, drawing an “Ooooh!” from the crowd. He hooks up a rear waistlock and release German suplexes Sabin off of the ladder. What, no replay?

Amid a surprising “Angel! Angel!” chant, Christopher Daniels folds up the ladder and uses it as a battering ram, hitting first Michael Shane, then Low Ki. He hits a uranage on Ki, drawing a “Rock Bottom!” chant. Daniels plays to his newfound crowd support, calling for the “Best Moonsault Ever.” The double jump moonsault connects on Low Ki. Daniels knocks Shane down and sets up the ladder.

Shane climbs up the opposite side and knocks Daniels down with a right hand. Daniels runs to the ropes and comes off to push the ladder over, hanging Shane throat-first on the top rope. Daniels picks Shane up and atomic drops him on the ladder’s legs. Daniels scores a step-up enziguiri on Sabin and sets the ladder back up.

Now it’s Low Ki climbing up the opposite side. Daniels pounds at his fingers, trying to knock him down. The two trade punches. Mongolian chop from Ki. Punch from Daniels. Snap kick to the head from Ki. Michael Shane topples the ladder, sending both falling to the floor near the announce position.

Referee Mike Posey is back in the ring and takes the ladder away from Michael Shane, making him furious. If Tenay had shut his mouth earlier, all of this would’ve played out logically enough. Black Shirt Security’s Chris Vaughn is out to confiscate the ladder and carts it off up the ramp. Michael Shane shakes his head in exhaustion and proceeds climbing up the hard way. Chris Sabin climbs up alongside him and kicks at him, knocking him off the top turnbuckles and sending him crashing through the almost forgotten table at the base of the ramp. Sabin goes hand over hand down the cable and hangs from the belt. After ten seconds of hanging, bouncing, and twisting, Sabin gets the belt free and falls to the mat victorious.

Winner: Chris Sabin wins the X-Division Title
Grade: B+, could have been perfect, but weak commentary and some awkwardness here and there brought it down

Jeff Jarrett Brings Us Full Circle
We end as we started, with Jeff Jarrett on the phone with Tom T. Stenenbaum. He brings Tom up to speed and reminds us of next week’s main event. Jarrett is the epitome of confident. Scroll Xplosion stations and live events… The End.

Next Week:
Simon Diamond vs. David Young with Special Guest Referee Glen Gilberti
America’s Most Wanted vs. Red Shirt Security in a Rawhide Whipping Match (ah, it all makes sense now)
AJ Styles & Erik Watts vs. Jeff Jarret & Abyss: World Title shot vs. Watts’ job
Probably Kid Kash vs. Don Harris in some capacity
Raven vs. CM Punk perhaps?
Elix Skipper vs. Shane Douglas with Daniels and Low Ki involved?

Loose Ends:
These are always good, provided the bookers and writers know how they’re going to tie them up.
1) Jeff Jarrett and Tom T. Stenenbaum are privy to some kind of big news that needs the perfect time to be revealed. Something about the Board, perhaps?
2) Erik Watts had a masked surprise of his own that went unmentioned the remainder of the night. A debut? Someone under a mask who can’t show his face until his WWE release? Hell if I know, but it should’ve been a bigger deal than everyone made it.
3) Sonny Siaki is being advised by a mystery someone, and I didn’t hear Vince Russo’s name mentioned among those ruled out. God I hope it’s not him. I need at least two months without Vinnie Ru to appreciate TNA.

Final Grade: C+, a lot of potential, but sadly much of it went wasted

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