But if you want more than the summary, here are the full segment-by-segment results from the just-completed WWE No Mercy pay-per-view [with editorial thoughts tacked on in red italics]:

• On Sunday Night Heat: they had a ton of hype and video packages, a grand total of two (2) exclusive interviews (with Booker T and with Billy Kidman), and a bonus match in which Mark Jindrak squashed Scotty 2 Hotty in under 2 minutes (using a punch as his finisher). Also, they closed with that same weak-ass music video that they showed at the end of SD! this week.  I mean, the SONG was weak; the clips and production were just fine, but I'm embarrassed on behalf of whoever conceived of the pile of audio poop that was going on in the background.
   
  
• Eddie Guerrero beat Luther Reigns via pinfall.  Luther was accompanied by Jindrak, but Eddie took control out of the gate after a diabolical eyepoke. He stuck on offense for a few moments, but that came to an end when Luther ducked a cross-body, and Eddie went flying out of the ring.  Jindrak got in a few cheapshots, and once Eddie was back in the ring, it was time for him to sell for Luther.  The whole first 10 minutes or so, the action was decidedly... I dunno, but we'll call it "disjointed."  No real flow to the moves, no transitions, and the stuff they were doing wasn't always crisply executed. Things kinda settled in a bit, though, when Luther took over and did a relatively nice job of keeping his focus on Eddie's lower back.  This built up to Eddie taking a few near falls, but kicking out, so Luther finally decided to bust out his finisher (that rolling neckbreaker thingie)... but Eddie used the ropes to reverse out of that, and started a little rally.  He built up to the Three Amigos spot, but on the third Amigo, Luther countered, and Eddie had to bail to the outside.  While out there, he noticed a nearby security officer had an "extension baton" in his belt, and Eddie managed to steal it and shove it in his boot without anybody (except for the 15,000 live fans and all of us watching on TV) noticing.  Then he did grab a steel chair, which the ref and Luther noticed; the chair provided a diversion (and also provided for a spot in which Luther tried to grab the chair, but instead only managed to whack Jindrak in the head, accidentally), and while the ref was finally getting rid of it, Eddie pulled out the baton, used it to KO Reigns, and then tossed it from the ring.  Once the ref turned back around, Eddie played just enough possum to sell it, then went up top, hit the Frog Splash, and got the pinfall win.  [Normally, you tell me "Eddie Guerrero in a 15 minute match," and I'm fricking THERE, dudes.  But here, the first 10 really didn't click. Or at least, it didn't feel like it to me.  The finish was solid, though, and brought this back up to about average...  which might be about as weak an Eddie match as you'll ever see, but for Happy Ending Value, it made for a really good choice of an opener, I think.]  
   
  
• Backstage: Dawn Marie is being interviewed and re-asserts her claims about being so much better in the sack than Miss Jackie that Charlie Haas is still banging her even though he's supposedly engaged to Jackie.  Except she says it all in a very TV-PG way.  Whee!  The Springer-caliber crap, you know I love it!  Dawn decides that just telling a mic stand like Josh Mathews isn't as much fun as telling Jackie to her face, so she barges into the women's locker room, where Jackie is topless (but again, does a very TV-PG job of covering up), and basically re-cuts the same promo about how Charlie REALLY digs Dawn.  The part of me that thinks it's nice for Haas to have a storyline applauds; the rest of me wants to pummel that part for being so easily distracted from the fact that this is unmitigated soap opera crap. 
   
  
• Spike Dudley beat Nunzio to retain the WWE Cruiserweight Title. Out of the gate, they do a deal where Nunzio wins the chain-wrestling/feeling-out process, and the announcers spin it as Spike starting to lose some of his confidence and swagger.  But oh, Spike'll make them pay for doubting the Littlest Dictator!  After Nunzio hits his big highspot (an uncharacteristic suicide plancha), the numbers game catches up with him, and Spike's 2-man back up is better than Nunzio's 1-man back-up, so Spike's able to take over. And sadly, here it went kind of flat, since I don't think fans (other than the freaks who watch Velocity religiously; or maybe a handful of other freaks, including me, who remember what he's capable of from ECW) have any reason to like Nunzio.  So Spike's hammering away for 3-4 minutes, but the crowd is out of it.  It's good stuff, but it's just got no sizzle.  Finally, Nunzio starts his comeback (to mild reaction), and then, once we get the cornermen involved, the crowd does perk up.  The final segment has some nice triple-layered interference from the Duds (Bubba does something right in front of the ref, which distracts the ref and allows D-Von to interfere behind his back, but Johnny the Bull is out there, and counters D-Von, but as soon as the ref gets distracted by Johnny and D-Von, Bubba hits the REAL interference, which is ramming Nunzio, balls-first, into the ringpost), leading up to Spike stealing another tainted victory.  After the match, Spike may be the winner, but he is literally dragged from the ring by Bubba.  Man alive, I'm digging this shtick!  [Maybe a little shy of 10 minutes, and really well-worked, I thought.  But again, Nunzio has been done no favors by the SD! creative team, so I guess I understand why the live crowd was dead and why I was the only one of my friends who cared.]
   
  
• Video Hype: first, we get a history lesson with a 1991 Survivor Series Highlight (Undertaker pinned Hulk Hogan to win his first WWF Title, a title he fights for again tonight).  Then we get the full story of Kidman/London in a nicely-produced video package.
   
  
• Billy Kidman beat Paul London with a Shooting Star Press. Before Kidman could even THINK about walking out on the match, London jumpstarted things, and pretty much dominated the hell out of Kidman for about 5 minutes.  Honest, I don't think Kidman hit an offensive move for that entire time.  London was really bringing it, too: I personally think he hit the move of the night (mostly just cuz I didn't see it coming and it surprised the shit out of me) when he did a double-jump inside-to-outside moonsault.  Think the set up for Jericho's cool little double-jump dropkick, but with a moonsault instead.  Wicked.  And in addition to bringing it with cool moves, London was just showing me why he deserves this storyline and push, cuz he was displaying an intangible level of intensity that you don't see out of a lot of guys much higher on the card than London is.  Anyway, I forget how exactly (I think it was an eye-rake or face-rake), but Kidman stole the advantage back, and once he took control, he focused intently on London's midsection and ribs.  Stomps to the ribs, gutbusters, various submission holds stretching London, the whole nine.  Very nice stuff.  This went on for a few minutes, but then London fired up... but sadly, he made a Critical Error. He forgot that YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB KIDMAN~!  And so London's comeback was short-circuited by Kidman's patented counter, the BK Bomb.  I was heartened to note (at some point around here) that the crowd was really into things after starting off kind of tepid; I was less heartened that they didn't seem to be reacting to London as the babyface and Kidman as the heel, but at least they were paying attention, so that was good.  Having quashed London's comeback, Kidman took control, and eventually put London down near the corner. And he turned to the crowd, and the crowd cheered him on. But Kidman said "Frick this crowd," and instead of doing the Shooting Star Press, he walked away. But he also knew that if he walked out on the match, he'd lose his job, so he got back in the ring at the count of 8.  London had recovered, however, and quickly put Kidman down.  And now, it's LONDON's turn to go up top. And Paul London's no pussy!  So he goes up, and jumps off, and hits a freaking GORGEOUS Shooting Star Press (the difference between his and Kidman's is even greater than the difference between the moonsaults of Victoria and Lita, if that helps you grasp things)... except Kidman saw it coming and got his knees up.  London took two knees to his already-scrambled guts.  Then Kidman decided maybe crippling his old friend might NOT be so horrible.  So he went back up top.  And this time, he didn't puss out.  He hit a (scary-looking) SSP, with his knees slamming into London's gut again (hey, give 'em credit, at least this way, the shittiness of the move can be said to be INTENTIONAL!).  Kidman made the cover, and got the pinfall win.  After the match, London was spitting up blood, in one of my least favorite, cheesy spots: the Blood Capsule of Internal Bleeding.  But anyway, Kidman grabbed a mic, and said that he didn't want to hit the SSP, but the FANS made him do it, and he hopes they are happy for what's happened to London.  The fans CHEERED this.  And then, when Kidman decided to punctuate things by going up top and hitting ANOTHER SSP (after London had been strapped to a stretcher by EMTs), he got cheered even louder.  Total dick move by Kidman, but he gets cheered.  Interesting.  [Maybe was maybe 12 minutes or so, and about as good as anybody could ever do with a relatively short timeslot. The way the crowd started getting into it should be ample evidence of that.  I'm also a big enough asshole that I was digging the  post-match stuff with Kidman.  That's as close to interesting as that guy has been in YEARS.... although I still think/hope that the ultimate goal of this storyline will be to introduce London to the mid-card singles scene.]
   
  
• Video Hype: another history lesson, in the form of footage from WrestleMania 13, where Taker won his second WWF Title by beating Sid Vicious.
   
  
• Backstage: Josh Mathews is with the WWE Champion, John Bradshaw Layfield. And goddamn him, JBL almost IMMEDIATELY launches into the EXACT observation that I'd just made to my friends: that it sure seems odd that they keep showing us all these Undertaker Title Wins, but we're getting NO JBL highlights.  Bradshaw manages to twist this into an appropriately-in-character rant about the lack of "fair and balanced" reporting in the "liberal media."  As he brings it home, JBL notes that he's guaranteed victory in all of his past title defense and he's paid off on every one of them...  but just as he is about to make another guarantee, he kind of gets cold feet.  He "guars" us a couple of times, but can't quite spit it out.  So instead, he changes gears and says that the only way the Undertaker will win the WWE Title tonight is "over my dead body."  Interesting tack with this promo....
   
  
• Kenzo Suzuki and Rene Dupree beat Rey Mysterio and Rob Van Dam to retain the WWE Tag Team Titles. You wonder why I thought Kenzo and Dupree would make a good team? Well, look no further than the pre-match antics here.  Not only is Hiroko looking like she's really fricking enjoying herself with a funny assortment of dual Japanese/French paraphenalia, and not only do the champs have a cool little remixed theme song (it's the La Resistance march, but with Kenzo's Japanese flute-y thing mixed in), but the interaction between an America-hating French guy and a pretend-America-loving Japanese guy is just too funny.  Kenzo belting out "Born in the USA" in off-key fashion was more surreal and, thus, much funnier than Sylvain Grenier's "O, Canada," if you ask me!  The match?  Pure formula, baby, but just like I'd predicted, it didn't matter because these four guys are all really ideal for their roles, and the crowd (and I) was eating it up.  After the Evenly Matched Chain Wrestling of Mutual Respect by RVD and Dupree, things broke down a bit, with the faces getting on top first (including Stereo Sentons) but then the heels isolating on RVD, rendering him the night's Face In Peril.  Hot tag eventually came to Rey, and once it did, he was en feugo for a few moments, and then RVD was back in good enough shape to join in for some four-way brawling.  It seemed like the barely-controlled chaos had benefited Rey, who was about to finish off Suzuki with a West Coast Pop.  But Dupree managed to break that up by hot-shotting Rey across the top rope.  When RVD made the save and got tangled up with Dupree, it was enough of an opening for Suzuki to recover and quickly cover Rey (using the rops for illegal leverage).  Champs retain in nefarious fashion.  [About 10 minutes, and absolutely nothing special about it. But again, there's a reason why certain formulas exist in wrestling, and that's because they can work pretty well when in the hands of the right people.  These four pulled off Pure Formula very nicely.]
   
  
• Video Hype: Taboo Tuesday is coming on October 19. And Big Show vs. Kurt Angle is coming in about a minute and 19 seconds, so let's get us a Video Package...
   
  
• Big Show beat Kurt Angle with a top rope chokeslam. My, my, these are two DEVASTATINGLY handsome men, aren't they? You know, when I made the decision to shave my head, it was because that look was about as unique as having hair halfway down to my ass, and I liked the idea of still being able to cut a wide swath, style-wise.  It loses its charm when EVERY balding dude does it, though; DAMN YOU, Show and Angle!  Right from the start here, we get the message that they'll be Telling A Story more than Wrestling A Match, if you get my meaning.  Lots of stalling and stuff to pad things, out.  And also, I'd be remiss if I didn't regurgitate my Line of the Night and tell you that Big Show was combining the Vague Homoeroticism of Heidenreich with the Egregious Misuse of the Word "Ass" of Goldberg with some of his early-match trash talking.  About 3 minutes in, they finally REALLY hook up, and Show just dominates.  It's not even close.  This goes on for maybe 2 more minutes, and then Angle decides "Screw this," and walks out.  He gets himself intentionally counted out, and starts leaving through the crowd.  Enter GM Teddy Long, who declares that Angle WILL come back to the ring and continue this match in good faith, or else he'll be fired from SD! forever.  So the match is re-started, and Angle eventually gets back to the ring.  But the song, it remains the same: Show just DOMINATES Angle for another couple of minutes.  Finally, Show has had enough of play time, and decides to finish Kurt off with a chokeslam...  but Kurt's Wrestling Genius rears its head, and he slithers out and rolls through and turns it into an Ankle Lock!  Show struggles, and finally kicks Angle off.... but Angle goes flying into ref Brian Hebner.  Uh oh.  Angle realizes he has an opportunity here, and goes out to grab a chair.  He uses it to further destroy Show's left leg.  As ref Hebner recovers, Angle ditches the chair, and resumes a more conventional attack.  Angle eventually gets to the point where he's ready to finish off Show; amazingly, he actually hits an Angle Slam!  Whoa.  But Show kicks out.  So Angle has to try Plan B.  He goes out and gets the Dart Gun from under the ring.  But that just makes Big Show angry; he Shows Up, rips the dart gun out of Angle's hands at the last second, breaks it in two, and then goes on the offense.  It all builds up to Show placing Angle on the top rope, and then chokeslamming him off.  Nice big finish!  Show wins via clean pinfall.  [You know, this might be an unpopular stance, but I REALLY had fun with this match.  I dare anyone to come up with a better way for Big Show to last for an entire 18 minute match without ever ONCE seemingly spent or winded or anything.  A little early-match stalling, some of the filler they added in with Teddy and ref bumps...  it was all very-well-conceived, and the end result was a very entertaining match.]
   
  
• Video Hype: Carlito Caribbean Cool is coming this Thursday (and although I think there's a certain retarded charm to this gimmick, I'm afraid that I'm of the opinion that just plain ol' "Carlito Cool" is a much awesomer name, and also that the background music from Carlito's early vignettes -- the one with the bendy bassline and that made no bones about being about as much of a Razor Ramon rip-off as the rest of the gimmick -- was also much better as a theme song than the generic, fruity island groove that they're using in this latest compilation package)...  and then we get the Full Story of the Best Of Five Series between Booker and Cena.  You know, distill it down to  3 minutes, and it's not NEARLY as disappointing and underwhelming as it's been for the past 2 months!
   
  
• John Cena pinned Booker T to become the "undisputed" US Champion.  They REALLY gave this one the "big match" treatment, with cameras backstage that followed the wrestlers from the locker room to the entrance area, and all.  But sadly, the match itself was an anti-climax to an already-underwhelming series.  I honestly don't remember a whole lot specific about the match, except for one sloppy crossbody/attempted-roll-through spot that I'm pretty sure was supposed to recall a previous match, but which didn't hit the mark.  Booker took control at some point, and when he hit the Book End, Cena was still able to kick out.  Booker got distracted/frustrated, setting up Cena's comeback.  Cena whiffed on his first attempted F-U, but after Booker briefly regained the advantage, Cena re-countered his way into the F-U, hit it, and got the pinfall win.  Huh, go figure.  [I dunno, maybe 8 minutes.  Possibly 10.  But for all the build up and stuff, they still just went out there and gave us Thursday night filler, it felt like.  The Cena win was a crowd-pleaser, and probably a smark-confuser, so points for the swerve, I guess?  I'd be shocked if Cena doesn't drop the title real soon.  Maybe even this Thursday soon.]
   
  
• Video Hype: yet more history, and still none of it is JBL's... this time, Undertaker wins his third WWF Title by beating Steve Austin at Over The Edge 1999.  I believe this is the first time in over five years that the PPV title "Over The Edge" has been uttered on WWF/E TV.  HOW DISRESPECTFUL TO THE MEMORY OF OWEN HART!  I MUST NOW RANT FOR 3 PARAGRAPHS ABOUT HOW THE HART FAMILY HAS BEEN MORTALLY WOUNDED BY THIS INSENSITIVE USE OF FIVE-YEAR-OLD FOOTAGE!  Or maybe not.  That's really more of YOUR shtick, you fucking douches.
   
  
• Charlie Haas, Rico, and Miss Jackie beat Bubba Dudley, D-Von Dudley, and Dawn Marie in a six-person tag match. A late addition, and clearly designed to just be a fun, harmless palate cleanser.  And mission accomplished.  After Haas started the match and fulfilled our quota for Actual Wrestling, it was catfight time for a minute or two, and then Bubba (magnificent asshole that he is) tagged in and was going one-on-one with Jackie.  Here, they did a funny spot where Bubba decided he wanted a kiss from Jackie, so he knelt down and closed his eyes.  And I don't even care that I saw it coming a mile away, but it was still high-fricking-larious when Jackie tagged out to Rico, and Rico came in and planted one on Bubba, and Bubba sold it like the plauge.  Rico played the Face In Peril from there, as D-Von tagged in and was having NONE of the shennanigans.  But Rico was still in his head, cuz when the Dudleys eventually had a chance to finish Rico off with the "Whassup" headbutt, Rico did some Broad Gesturing to indicate that D-Von's head in his crotch might be a pretty fun idea!  So D-Von got freaked out, and hesitated long enough for Haas to shove him off the top rope.  A little six-way brawling later, and we were back down to Rico and Bubba in the ring, and Rico hit the moonsault and got the clean pinfall win while the other four were out brawling on their own.  [Maybe 6-8 minutes, and fun in a forgettable kind of way.  Love to see Haas get out from under the "fun and forgettable" and into a situation where they can make use of his in-ring ability for more than 90 seconds at the start of a mixed tag match, but really, this ain't the time or place for those sorts of gripes.]
   
  
• Video Hype: Undertaker's fourth WWF Title win came at Judgment Day 2002, once again over Hulk Hogan, and we are treated to the footage.  Michael Cole's introductory comment, "Who can ever forget Undertaker's fourth title victory?"... and the funny thing is, of the four clips we got, I swear to you I have no real memory of that PPV, and it's the title victory I've come closest to forgetting.  Way to be a jackass, Cole~! Also, we get a five minute video package chronicling the many lowlights of JBL vs. Taker (including, much to my surprise, actual footage of the gay-ass limo-roof spot from SummerSlam, which I thought would have been best left forgotten, or at least, only mentioned tangentially and not actually replayed).
   
  
• John Bradshaw Layfield beat the Undertaker to retain the WWE Title. Hey, the champion enters second!  Too bad the fricking HEARSE entered first... Taker still gets the big, final ring entrance. But eh, I really don't care.  If SOMEbody has to take 5 minutes for a ring entrance, Taker still gets it done, if you ask me... JBL tries to jumpstart the match, but that doesn't work.  Taker immediate takes control, and doesn't let up for a good long time.  Just 6-7 minutes of sound thrashing for JBL, until Taker decides it's time to get a little creative.  But while Taker's setting up for some spot using the Spanish Announce Table, JBL is able to recover, and grabs the steel ring steps and blasts Taker with them.  From there, JBL exhausts his arsenal with a 5 minute offensive, but Taker's still kicking.  He rallies, and locks JBL into a triangle choke for a minute or two. JBL taps out, but there's no submissions here; so Taker just keeps the hold on until JBL is unconscious.  Then he drags JBL outside the ring, and decides to reprise his Unconventional Attack by using the ring steps...  in a cool-ass spot that actually looked like it probably hurt Taker more than JBL, Taker tombstoned JBL onto the steel steps.  Ouch.  JBL came up gushing.  The brawl continued on the outside, and JBL was actually able to stage a rally when he managed to get his hands on a steel chair and whacked Taker with it.  But Taker rallied again, and when both men were on the American Announce Table, Taker came around and suddenly hit JBL with a chokeslam off the US Announce Table through the Spanish Announce Table.  Nice spot.  Taker decided he'd probably done enough, and hoisted JBL up on his shoulders and carried him back to the hearse.  For the first time, somebody opened up the back of the hearse... and out pops HEIDENREICH~!  Heidenreich uses some chloroform on Taker, and tosses him in the hearse.  The hearse pulls out, but only goes 15 feet before it stops... somebody missed a cue, because I *think* we were supposed to have the in-hearse shot of Taker doing a Zombie Sit-Up.  Instead, we hit that shot an instant late, and Taker just explodes out the back of the hearse.  He goes after Heidenreich, and the two brawl for 20 seconds.  But now JBL has recovered, and he strikes from behind!  He nails Taker with the Clothesline From Hell, and he and Heidenreich team up to toss Taker into the hearse.  This time, the hearse pulls away, and "leaves the arena." So they ring the bell, and JBL is your winner and still the champ.  Heidenreich evaporates, and JBL grabs a mic to cut a promo about how everybody else might doubt him, but he is "unbeatable" and "immortal" and how nobody should ever bet against JBL.  [About a 20 minute brawl, and punctuated by enough unexpected highspots that it was thoroughly watchable. But as a firm believer in the main event being the hands-down Match Of The Night, I think this is pretty much JBL's ceiling, and am not sure how much longer we want to have him headlining PPVs.  A good fun match, but I actually did like Show/Angle better, and purely for work, London/Kidman was superior.]
   
  
• The Crap Hits the Fan. So in the middle of JBL's promo, we do a camera cut to backstage, where the hearse suddenly parks in an inconspicuous spot.  And out of the driver's seat pops Paul Heyman (in chauffeur's cap, no less).  So if he was driving, why'd he stop to let Taker to the Zombie Sit Up, anyway?  Or am I thinking too hard?  Anyway, Heyman pops out, and gestures across the parking lot to Heidenreich, who is manning a Ford Bronco.  Heidenreich revs the engine, gets up a nice burst of speed, and crashes into the hearse, causing a nice Hollywood Style Explosion.  Whee!  I know I endorsed a Vehicular Violence ending in my predictions on Friday, but this really sucked balls as the show's actual climax.  Heidenreich and Heyman bolt the scene with Heyman muttering "I can't believe we really did it."  Fade out, and that's your PPV.  [There were ways to do car crash stunt spots in this match, I TOTALLY agree with that.  This was not the right way to do it.  Just lame.  And I HATE it when shows end on a lame note.]

A surprisingly fun show for the most part.  A surprisingly sucky ending.  I'm not entirely sure how it'll all mesh together once I get some hindsight.

So check back tomorrow for more thoughts and fall-out in OO!